Discovered
I used my powerful new magic to teleport to the cloud. I saw that he was still there, but he was fast asleep, his headphones sliding down his face. I giggled, which woke him up.
"Oh, hi," he said, giving me a lazy smile as he pushed the headphones back in place.
"Thank you so much! My cutie mark is perfect! It's such an honor to have it," I said as I laid down next to him and nuzzled his chest affectionately.
He wrapped his hoof around me. "I would only give my own cutie mark to somepony who really deserves it." He breathed into my ear.
I then realized something. "Wait... Nopony can have the same cutie mark, right?" I asked.
"That is correct," he replied.
"Then how...?"
"I never said that cutie marks couldn't be extremely similar." He winked. "Turn towards me."
I did as asked, and he touched my flank where the cyan and navy brofist was.
"See how your brofist is outlined with yellow like your coat?" He asked and I nodded.
"Mine is outlined with a light grey, if you'll see." He gestured to his, and sure enough, it had a grey outline.
"So, it is impossible to have the same cutie mark, but it is not impossible to have an extremely similar mark." He explained.
"Wow," I said. "Still, it's so great to have a cutie mark almost exactly like my lifetime hero's!" I exclaimed, making him turn a very light pink.
"So, anyways, want to get going for the castle?" He asked awkwardly.
"Of course! Should I just, like, try to teleport in with all that new magic you gave me?" I asked. "Oh, yeah, what kind of magic is that? I mean, I don't know any kind of magic that can make a little filly like me so powerful!"
"Questions, questions." He chuckled playfully. "I'll answer them all when we get there."
"Okay... Now, seriously, do I have to teleport in?" I asked again, tail flicking slightly in excitement.
"Oh, you can't, because it is impossible for anyone other than me to teleport to its location. Of course, I can configure that when we get there, but for now, we have to actually travel there." He said.
I nodded my head.
"Are you ready to have fun?" He asked, his eyes shining.
"Yay-uh!" I held out my hoof for a brofist, and he eagerly gave one back.
"Hold on!" He said as he crouched into a ninja - like stance. He then encased the cloud in a bright blue light, and we immediately started to speed through the air. I laughed and screamed as if I was on a roller coaster - this wasn't much unlike one. We then hit an air bump, causing him to topple over onto me. We both laughed as he sped it up; now we were going at least as fast as a jet. I then thought of the unknown blue Pegasus that I had met earlier, creating a sonic rainboom. This made me smile, and it gave me an idea. I lit up the air with my own green magic, and created a rainbow shooting from the back of the cloud.
Pewds saw this and beamed.
"Nice!" He shouted over the wind.
After a few more minutes of laying there, he slowed down the cloud, causing the rainbow to disintegrate.
"We're here," he told me as a huge shape came into view, blocked by some clouds.
"Screw you." Pewds muttered as he whisked the clouds into nonexistence.
Now, we could see the whole frontside of th castle. It was made of a crystalline material, maybe quartz or amethyst, and it was at least 8 stories tall with huge tinted windows. There were small garponies* on ledges here and there; gruesome, twisted faces sneering down upon me.
I processed all of this with a look of wonder dominating my features. "Felix, this is beautiful!" I whispered, biting my lip to keep from smiling; I had used his real name!
He gave me a grin as well. "Glad you like it, Midnight Ember Shine."
You could practically hear me turning bright red. "How do you know that?" I asked, lowering my voice at the end so it sounded more like a statement than a question.
"Um..." He tried to search for an excuse, then shrugged.
"I could call you by your full name as well." I threatened, giving him a look as if to say, You're on, bro.
"Hell, you don't even know my full name." He said, pressing his lips together and raising a single eyebrow.
"And whopony ever said that, Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg?" I said in a sweet - as - sugar tone, dragging the vowels.
He rolled his eyes and punched me playfully. "Fine, bro, you got me there."
We both giggled like schoolponies, which, technically, I was. We collapsed on the cloud in sweet bliss; euphoria crashing upon our minds. I thread my hoof through the soft material of the cloud; bits of it broke away and disintegrated.
"You can call me Felix if you'd like," he murmured, running his hoof through my mane.
I nodded and smiled sheepishly at the cloud as he massaged my back. "You have a really cute name." I admitted quietly, the tip of my ears folding over a bit in embarrassment.
He gave me a small smile, his ocean tinted irises piercing me with their gaze. "As do you, m'lady," he said with a terrible attempt at a Bridletish** accent.
This made me chuckle, and then I gave him a short embrace, feeling the soft fur of his neck. "I just realized that we've been sitting here for almost ten minutes, your colossal, breathtaking kingdom of quartz or whatever the hay it is just sitting in front of us."
He stared straight ahead for a moment until time seemed to catch up with him, and his leg jerked. He bit his bottom lip while smiling, suppressing a laugh.
"You're right," he said, dumbfounded. He immediately got up and offered me a hoof. I took it gratefully, and we stepped off the cloud, into the courtyard. He led me up to the huge double doors, and his horn flared, causing the doors to slam open.
"Welcome to my castle."
*Gargoyles.
** British, but bridle-tish, you get it? No? Okay then 
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Let me have your babies!
Still getting that creeper vibe
(Side note: That doesn't sound like a believable pony name)
Still getting that obsessed fangirl vibe
I'm going to be blunt with you: This is only the first two chapters and I can already tell that this is going to be a Mary Sue wish fulfillment. While your writing skills certainly hold potential, I question if this is the proper way to utilize them.
The characters aren't interesting and don't really have any personality, so I'm not driven to read this story.
I'm not even going to bother with the fact that they have YouTube and Sweden. Someone else can have fun with that.Another OC who is a ripoff off Fluttershy.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/179/f/1/fluttershy___bridlemaid_by_moongazeponies-d3kd5zc.png
I absolutely love this story. Keep it up!
How do they have YouTube? Where is Sweden?
Also, I'm getting a really weird feeling reading this. Like you're outside Felix's window right now, and you look like
data2.whicdn.com/images/34512745/original.jpg
Anyway, there's not much else I can say. It feels creepy, it sounds creepy, it is creepy, and the grammar itself is great.
Maybe this is just creepy stalker fiction. Maybe this is your dreams for the future expressed in words. I don't know.
5437974 It's always the cute one.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/323/d/b/fluttershy_the_batmare_by_emedina13-d5keoi5.png
5439313
I'm not sure if you have a proper definition of hate. Just by searching Google, here's what comes up:
None of the comments here express that, and while there is a dislike bar, I doubt anyone had any intense or passionate feelings regarding this story. At most, I felt displeasure.
But hey, you're not whining or raging, so you're being pretty mature about it. That's always good.
5438078
Thanks!
5437963
Thanks for your opinion! This is not going to be a Mary Sue, btw, I'm going to do a major plot twist and stuff. Were there any certain phrases / sentences / whatever that you thought were Mary-Sue-like? (Well, other than the first part XD) I want to make this story interesting for everypony, and I would love it if you told me what to change / fix. I will fix those weird sentences you underlined (I didn't even know those were there I was like wtf) and yeah. Thanks for your feedback!
5438321
...
It's not meant to be creepy or whatev XD If you'd tell me which paragraphs / sentences / whatever gives you that stalker vibe.... Thanks lol
5437974
...What makes you feel that way? Not trying to be rude or anything, but just wondering
5440514 Sorry, can't help you there. It's not certain paragraphs as much as the entire thing. If I'm being blunt, no harm intended.
5439382
Heh, I guess I need to change my definition of hate XD
Well, what I meant was this story got a bunch of dislikes, and idk why...
It makes me feel kinda sad bc I've been working on this for the past few days day and night; editing and revising and typing and stuff.
5440523
Heh okay XD I'll work on some massive editing right now and try to fix the major "stalker" parts ;3
OMG I love this so much!! KEEP IT UP!!!!
5440521 The base of the character looks just like Fluttershy, except recolored and a horn added to it. Which is a rip-off off Fluttershy.
5440527 Because it's an OC story! Can you get that through your head! Nobody likes OC stories, with an OC that is a rip-off off other characters!
5440508 I'm glad to offer some assistance. In all honesty, it isn't specific parts so much as it is a general thing.
Mary Sues aren't exactly characters that don't have flaws, though that can be a major component, and it is unfortunately present in this story. Mary Sues are characters who are treated unfairly by the fictional universe they're in; everyone likes them, everything they want is practically handed to them on a silver platter, and they don't face any real challenge. Essentially, they don't have to work hard to achieve their dreams or goals, and any obstacle they face is easily overcome. These are extremely important parts of storytelling. If a character doesn't face a compelling conflict, why should I be interested in a story?
With this story, she's automatically chosen to live with Pewdiepie, her hero, in his new sky castle for no discernable reason. He also gives her her cutie mark. She doesn't work to achieve her dream, and Pewdiepie likes her for no discernable reason. The problem is that the main character didn't do anything to earn this or her cutie mark, so the reader doesn't get a sense of satisfaction.
I probably didn't cover every point about Mary Sue, so you might benefit from doing a bit of research into it yourself. Anyways, I hope you found this useful.
Wow! This is a great story idea! Please keep it up!
5441795
Okay... Maybe I should just rewrite the whole thing. I'm not trying to act like a Mary Sue, but I see your point. I'll just start on a brand new story; even I thought that the first part was a bit rushed.
I'll make it under the same name and everything...
Thanks so much for helping me realize what I was doing wrong!
To everyone that like this story, I'm starting a new one.
It will be under the same name, and I will rewrite it so it doesn't sound like a Mary Sue. (I've gotten a lot of feedback on that!)
I will make it better - written and more detailed.
Thanks for understanding!
~ Midnight Shine