Doctor Elite
Joined 23rd Apr, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can safely say that the location is a breath of fresh air, as the east was getting pretty tiring. Hopefully, we will see a non-cliché villain as well, one that's not been covered. I would also like to see if any of the Mane Six, besides Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, survived. Or, maybe a princess?
5398068
I can safely agree, as well. Definitely an interesting location. What I'm wondering, is why is Arctic seeing Little Pip and Black Jack? Are they somehow connected? It makes me think and stories don't usually do that for me.
Hmm. I like the location, like the other two have said. Nice length for the first chapter, not to mention some pretty badass fight scenes. Nice job, please continue.
awesome. please write more.
Is there any chance that this story will have a princess? I want to see one.
5398099
Yeah, I want to see one too. It's highly unlikely, though. It's up to the author if there's gonna be one or not.
5398068
5398079
5398087
Well, I'm glad I went with the Crystal Empire, now.
5398092
Trust me, I intend on it.
5398099
5398106
We'll see...
Oh, shit. A fallout equestria story that didn't get any dislikes?
I need to read this now.
YES FINALLY FINALLY YES YES YES YAY YAY YAY I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT...I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT...THE COVER ART THE STORY...EVERYTHING
5398147 It's because it's one of the Good and New.
5398147
I'm quite surprised as well.
5398160
Thank you.
5398178
Thank you for calling it good. That's what motivates me to write. Feedback.
5398221 sure hope to see more in the future
5398552
I thank you for being honest and telling me how you feel about the story. You have an opinion and I respect it. Yes, I felt it was rushed myself and I'm going to improve that in the next chapter with careful pacing. The next chapter is going to be establishing and developing characters and I will make sure to have some background for them.
I plan on getting an editor, I just need to find one. I write on a phone, so it's alot more difficult then a computer or laptop. The grammar and spelling errors will be addressed.
I hope you give the next chapter a read, despite the problems I wrote. Constructive critism, hell even pure hatred, I welcomed to help me become a better writer and improve my writing.
Oh my god, this is one of the best FoE fics ever.
Bravo
5400921
Thank you so much for saying that, it means alot to me. I am currently working on the second chapter. Bit longer then the first.
5400921 I question your taste, sir.
1. Everything 5398552 said.
2. Proxy's narration is poorly constructed. The story is a whole lot of tell, Proxy has very little voice, the conclusions she jumps to are ludicrous, and she often seems void of emotion.
3. This story makes little logical sense. Nemesis (almost tricked me with that name) is apparently a good archer, good enough to shoot a Pony in the chest while getting bucked by said Pony (think about that a second), yet chooses to get close- multiple times- for seemingly no other reason than to get stabbed with a sword. Proxy also gets drained or something during this fight, but then isn't; this is explained by the fact that she has cyber-parts (I don't follow; did she just have to remember she had them?). She was also close enough to a grenade to lose her limbs, but not her hearing. She should be deaf- or have cyber-ears (Though I admit, this is a mistake I could see even a seasoned writer overlooking.) It is also mentioned that Proxy built the walls around the Crystal Empire, which are credited for the continued survival of the Empire (How old is Proxy!?). She also gets a knife stuck in her rifle, which just a few moments later becomes a shotgun. Then gets her horn broken, and moments later performs magic. And there are more such errors. What little information provided about the characters is often confusing. I have no idea if any single character is a good guy, bad guy, or anything in between because I plain do not know them; they and their motives have not been properly introduced. I feel like very important information has been entirely skipped over or, worse, was never thought of with which to begin.
5534096
I myself as the author have to agree with you and these problems will be corrected to the best of my ability, and some things will be covered in the next chapter. I wanted to get this story out as quickly as possible and I didn't think about it at the time, so I apologize.
As for the deaf thing, well. I kind of forgot to mention that Proxy has cybernetic ears, I overlooked it. I'll work on the second chapter and edit the first chapter soon. This story is On Hiatus for a reason.
5534124
Don't sweat it. Those who never make mistakes, never improve. One builds something, it falls apart, and they build it better. I am simply pointing out some structural weaknesses.
5534176
Thank you for the constructive criticism, I can't learn to write better without it.