In The Beginning
If you are reading this then you already know how this is going to end. A bad beginning to start everything off, one of many different ways to get sucked into equestria, an epic journey of a funny/serious nature, a few bruises and cuts here and there, and finally they get the mare of their dreams and live happily ever after. If you not here for one of those kind of stories, then this story might not be for you. But, if you are looking for a story with ups and downs then stick around it might be interesting for you. You might be wondering how I'm speaking to you now if I'm in equestria... Well I'll get to that later but for now. I always was kind of a closet brony and maybe a little... Really shy. So Rather then continue rambling on I'll give you the story I promised by publishing this. The story that I became Blazing Ember.
It was a fairly normal day on the Wii U gamepad writeing stories like this one. I had just gotten done with an update to one of my stories.
I smiled and sigh in relief I did it without incident.
'That was some fairly ok writing I did. Looks like at least a few people like it. Its not everyone's cup of tea but I like it "Concealed light to a new world" I need to get to writing and drawing other stuff. I got like two other Ideas. one for the black queen Red King universe, the gatekeeper universe, but I can't act on it at the moment, and an escaped griffon from the griffon empire story,' I sighed again and shook my head. "Hey little bro!"
My little brother popped his head around the corner. "What."
"What do you want to eat, mom is not coming around until later."
He rolled his eyes, "We got pizza for tonight forget?"
"Its friday already?"
"*groan* Yeah it is friday," He glared in annoyance at me.
I nodded and he left from room as leaned back into the couch. My fingers drumed upon the top of the Wii U gamepad as a thought came to mind.
'How are my E-mail is doing? I haven't checked it in a few days,' I thought as I picked up my stylist.
I quickly went to msn and logged into my account. the normal things were there a bit of junk mail being deleted, a few ads for new games coming out and a few newsletter from online companies I may never open until I get access to a computer. There was one strange blank email though that made me curious. I clicked into mail and almost sqeed.
Would you like to go to equestria?
That was all that was written but it was enough to get me excited. I thought a moment and realized that it might have been a troll who sends letters like this to bronies just to get a laugh out of them. I was disappointed for sure that it most likely wasn't true. Equestria was not a actual place, it was all just fiction created to entertain little girls. It was still fun regardless to think of what their society would be like. And alicorns were alright as long as they had a good story and reason behind them like my favorite oc Dangerfang which was an ok alicorn with a long history I'd been filling in. I mean come on you just can't just say that an oc lived a two thousand years and not give a reason why. That was like base creation stuff right there!
I lived in fear of being ridiculed for long enough, time to go in strong and screw the haters. I'm a brony and I'm proud! I write out a simple yes as a reply and sent it back to the sender and waited patiently. After a while I decided that it was dumb to even entertain the idea that it might have been a real invitation to equestria. Suddenly the t.v and the Wii U shut off for no reason. I yelled in fustration that I let a virus infect the t.v and Wii U. How was I going to explain this to my mom and guardian that I did this?!
My little brother walked into the room to see me panicking and walking back and forward.
"Hey, HEY!" He had to shout to get me to face him. "What is wrong."
"T-That!" I shouted and pointed at the television. He just raised his eye brow and looked curiously at the t.v. "That is not suppose to happen! It just suddenly turned off! ohh I'm going to be in trouble."
His eyes turned to those of concern as he looked back at me. Suddenly the t.v screen glew a ghostly blue light drawing our attention. I walked up cation and tapped the screen twice and nothing of note happen.
"See you were worried fo-"
A black hole suddenly open on the t.v and began to pull me in. Not the Wii U, the couch, my brother, or anything in the house, just ME. I scrambled to grab something close to me. My little brother jumped into action and grabbed onto my arm. The force that was pulling me increased and I started to slip from his grip.
"No no no no no no no no no no," I repeated in fear. "I don't want to go like this." Tears streamed from my face.
"C-Come o-on!" My little brother said as he pulled harder.
All at once I slip from his grip and into the inky black darkness of the black hole. I saw my little brother reach for me in vain. A feeling of vertigo pass through me and I fainted.
I opened my eyes and noticed something distinctly wrong with my surroundings. There were hooded figures all around me. something was at me feet but I ignored it and looked to the sky. The moon was high in the sky with stars littered everywhere. On the ground were strange signs I couldn't read any of them. Before I could check anything else a hoof turned my head to one of the hooded figures. the glowing white eyes gazed into my own as if searching for something.
"Are you our warrior?" The figure asked.
"W-What?" I sputtered out the question.
"Are. You. Our. Warrior," He asked with more force.
"I don't even know what I am fighting for."
"You are fighting to rid the throne of the one unworthy to possess it."
"Who is the one that is unworthy?!"
"The one who moves the sun." The cloaked figure said simply.
My eyes widened in shock that they wanted to take out someone who could move the sun. But the only one I knew could do that was...
"STOP IN THE NAME OF THE ROYAL GUARDS!"
Suddenly stallions in gold armor sprang onto the scene. My eyes shrank to prinpricks when I realized where I was. The cloaked figure was a stallion and he and his group had just asked me to help take down Princess Celestia, the ruler of equestria.
[Don't your dare start to panick.] Something in my mind threatened me that only made my heart pump faster.
Blood splattered on my face as a cloaked figure died in front of me. A hoof reached for me and I snapped. I grabbed the hoof and flipped him over me and kicked him in the gut away from me. I snatched the thing at my hoof and ran away from the area.
"After Him!" I heard somebody shout.
My hearing was getting worse just like my sight was becoming blurry. Things were moving left and right as I instinctively swerved through trees. I could hear thumps behind me signafing that there were ponies behind me. I turned my head to look and saw an orange blob with a blue one in the air. I somehow knew that there was no outruning them as I turned my head back forward.
'Don't get caught, Run as fast as possible, take out blobs as safely as possible without hurting them too badly.'
[Don't do it!] The voice warned.
I jumped and span in midair to face my persuers. A scream rang out in my mind as I just pulled on something and let it loose at the one in the air. It seemed to work as the next second the blob ran into a tree. My body reached over and I placed my right hand onto the dirt and flipped back over. I made a sharp turn at a tree and continued to run. I could hear the orange bolb right on my tail as I jumped branch. I raised my hoof and stuck something into the ground as I slid on the ground. The instant I heard a thud on the ground an explosion and a slam into another tree.
I could hear my frenzied breath as I struggled to keep moving. The edges of my vision was quickly darkening. Movement behind me kept me running forward to find safety. It hardly crossed my mind that I was faster on both my hands and feet. I didn't even notice the twitches on my back.
[Calm Down!] The voice commanded.
I continued to ignore the voice as I ran through brambles leaving scratches all over my body as I breathed heavily. A wide open grassy field came into view as I parted from the trees. I darted up a hill and was about to continue moving when I noticed blobs moving out of the tree line. They were different from the golden white ones as the were a dark blue and blackish color. I turned to run the other way to find the other blobs there. No matter where I looked there either was a gold blob or a dark blue one. They were still in a circle around at the base.
I pointed whats was in my hand and growled at anyone that tried to walk up the hill. A few braver ones tried to rush me as the same time.
The one In front of me got to me first. It hit my hand away and I purposely slipped down to use my feet to kick Its hooves from under him. it fell over as I used the upper half of my body to aim my Item toward a blue blob and fire something into it. I Ignore another earshattering scream and kicked out my right foot into the gut of the first one as the second one fell to the ground. A third one appeared as I rolled away from the first. I got up in time to reflexively block a hoof and moved back away. I rolled away from another strike and placed another one on the ground. I jumped back as they chased me and an explosion of magic threw both of them into the tree line.
I took my place back on the top of the hill and notice the circle was closer then before. They hurriedly backed off as I shot off a few warnings. Sobbing echoed through my mind as I attempted to glare at everything at once. I heard ponies gasp in shock before they spread apart for the newcomer. My nose flared as I tried to focus on the new challenger.
"Shh... There is no need to fight anymore," a gentle and calm voice came from the new white blob with three color variants on the top and behind.
I gave a threatening growl but it didn't stop the blob from advancing. It pause a moment when I fired my weapon at its hoof. The golden white blobs tried to move in to protect the white one but it stopped them. The white one continued up the hill as if I wasn't shooting at it.
I hit something of its head as my exhaustion grew with each shot. By the time it was right in front of me all I could do was glare and growl at it. The white blob calmly took my hand and gave it a light squeeze. My heart calmed as I dropped what I held in my hand. I fell forward at an angle toward the ground but I was caught by the white blob. The white blob pulled me into a warm furry embrace. I felt a hoof run up and down my back soothing the nerves on my back.My ears twitched as my eyes droop to a close. The instant they did I promptly went to sleep.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Ribe_FireRain · 112k words · 128 12 · 6.3k views
- Alchemystudent · 66k words · 229 18 · 5.8k views
- Diablomuerte2 · 2.2k words · 95 8 · 3.2k views
- RuinQueenofOblivion · 2.1k words · 100 6 · 5.1k views
- Broneyofnoel · 23k words · 266 19 · 6.7k views
- Noponythere · 47k words · 321 21 · 6.5k views
- DarthSylar12 · 1.8k words · 79 2 · 3k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.09 seconds
Total duration
974 users online
1,559,391 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Didn't read, because there was a major problem before I even got into it:
This is not how you make a story description.
A description is supposed to be like a book blurb. Tell us something that happens, or the impetus of the plot. Don't just try to apologise for making too many references. That's not what should go in the main description. It should only be a note underneath the actual description.
Also: please get a proofreader. "Decide" is not spelled with two I's.
5298248
I wrote the description as if I wrote it and that at some point someone was going to point out it was a self insert and that I was kind tired of people hating something before they read it and that they hate any and all references that are going to be made towards better stories. I'm not apologizing to them I'm kinda saying If you don't like the story and its references please find something else to your tastes.
Some descriptions are not descriptions at all. Some just feel like someone is sitting in front of you, telling you their story.
Where was that mistake?
...Oh.
5298401 "Some descriptions are not descriptions at all."
See, this is the problem right here. If your description isn't a description, then it means that people will have very low expectations for the actual story. If you can't or just can't be bothered to make your description a description, then what guarantee does anyone have that you made your story a story?
5298544
When you ask one of your relatives for a story they don't give you a description of what happen they just tell you the story. they might point out some things before going into the story but that is all they are doing, pointing out things. If people are curious about a story with no description then they read the story if they like it they tell others and then it doesn't quite matter what was in the description. people read the story for the story, even if they don't know the person who created it.
5298603 It's clear I'm not getting through to you at all, so I'll try one last time:
It's not like asking your relatives for a story on this website. Not in the slightest bit. People use the descriptions to make an educated guess about whether they're going to like a story or not. If you don't actually tell them anything about your story except that it contains original characters and movie references, and a whole lot of badly proofread rambling, then they're going to assume that the story contains badly proofread rambling and too many references for the good of the narrative flow (which is why I still haven't read the actual story yet; your description put me off it before I even started.)
So at the very least, get a proofreader, but if I'm still not getting through to you why you have a bad description, then I seriously do not know how to help you. That is what I'm trying to do, just so you know.
5298611
I know you are trying to help me that much is very, very clear and I want people to help me out that is the only way that I will get better. I want people to read the story for the story, Sure some descriptions are not descriptions and thats a problem but those who read descriptions like the one I did some might go 'hmm why didn't he include anything from the story or give an over view about it? I'm going to read what that is about'
I might change it later and add more to it. I already planned to get an editor and/or a proofreader. I'll most likely need both. the relative thing wasn't a good comparison...
5298636 'hmm why didn't he include anything from the story or give an over view about it? I'm going to read what that is about'
No.
Nonononononononononono NO.
What people will think is that you're being obtuse for no reason, or that you have no confidence in your story. They are not going to think what I just quoted from you. Ever. Trust me.
5298668
alright, ok... then how do you think that I should change it then. I'll listen to what you have to say and try to met you half way while keeping it a description I am proud of.
5298690 Honestly, I don't really know how to improve the description you have now without making it totally different, but the description on your other story is actually pretty good. You put the author rambling in a separate paragraph to the blurb in the long description, and your short description tells basically what happens in the first few chapters without spoiling too much.
The last sentence of your long description on this one would actually make a good short description: "Equestria may burn in my wake before I am done or will it continue being the paradise that it is?" Typesetting isn't perfect, but it at least says something about the story itself rather than just being author rambling.
Maybe you can move it up to the start of the long description, move the rest of it to a separate paragraph, and extend on the quoted line a bit more. That'd be a good start, anyway.
I don't even know how you got your description past the mods.
5298712
Yeah, I can do that It doesn't seem too hard seeing as how I have how the story will go in my mind. hmm then I guess this might work better.
A shy closet brony finds himself thrust into a conflict that he fails to understand and has to adapt as best he can to his new surroundings. There will be romance, loss and danger as he is tested to his very limits in a game that spans all of equestria.Will Equestria may burn in His wake and doom everyone that exist or will it continue being the paradise that it is?
5298762 That's good. Not sure if I'm up to reading the actual story, but if I can help you get more readers who aren't turned off by bad descriptions, then that'll help you out at least.
It's always nice to be able to help a fellow writer, considering how most people who read my stuff only made their accounts to favourite and follow stories rather than write their own.
5298772
To change and grow we need to take any and all criticism to heart. To keep an open mind is all well and good, but there will always be those who hate your work regardless of what you do. listen to those who care and you will find your way to the path you were ment to take.
thank you is what I suppose I want to say in that little snip bit. It does feel nice to help others doesn't it.
Guess I don't need to read it, then! Thanks for saving me the trouble.
P.S. You really, really need an editor. Your language skills are horrendous.
Edit:
Are you kidding? It would take me far too long, as there are tons of them.
5299392
Ok then name a few and be done with it you don't have to point them all out.
5299470
I'm going to level with you, this story is pure, grade A shit. I'll ignore the typos and grammar and lack of storytelling and go straight for the heart of the matter. It's a self insert where you are totally awesome, potentially the savior of Equestria and are a Gary fucking Stu to end it off. There is no redemption after this. You've shot your wad way too early, played your hand and there's nothing left to look forward to.
It's bad enough that he's a brony but a Gary Stu is just too much to handle. A regular HiE, while potentially flawed, can be okay. A BiE is never good and when he's uber fantastic, like he can fight trained guards when it's never been established that he's able to fight in the first place breaks any hope for this story.
5299634
Not really, a reason why he was able to fight will be explained later in the story. Sometimes fear makes people change in a way unknown to them. Or that a being unconsciously gave him the means to fight.
5299660
Knowledge and how to use that knowledge are two different things. Simply giving somebody the "means" to fight means you have a person with the knowledge and nothing else.
Let me put it to you this way. Suppose that right now I give you the knowledge I have on fighting. Been doing martial arts for possibly longer than you've been alive so I know quite a bit. Then you and I get in a fight. Who's going to win? That would be me because you lack the training and the muscle memory. It takes practice which nobody can teach you. So you being suddenly super awesome makes no sense.
Seriously, you need to take this down and rework it.
5300386
Sure you gave me the knowledge And I can't use it efficiently but I can still use it to have an edge against those who don't know to my own benefit. I may not be able to do it all as that fight was still very sloppy to a trained fighters eyes but it shows that with time and proper training I can do it as well as person who has been doing it a long time. I just didn't create that chapter yet.
5300408
Are you naturally stupid or just doing this for a laugh?
The answer is you wouldn't be able to do it at all. Your form would be off, there'd be no power to your strikes, you'd overextend or wouldn't be able to do certain movements. In short you'd fall flat on your face and get your ass kicked.
But it's obvious that you don't care and you're going to write your story as you want to do. So I'm not going to bother with continuing this. You'll ignore it and the mass of thumbs down will only serve to keep readers away.
Congratulations. Welcome to mediocrity.
5300817
I do care it is just that you do not see the angle I am trying to work at and judging me on the only chapter that I published.
I am sorry that the first chapter is not to your or anyones liking, but I will get to the reasons as long as everyone is patience.
Very boring.
5347990
What you say is true but a bad chapter doesn't make a story... unless it is a one-shot.
5349929
Yep you should strive for the best made chapters. It is just that even though I know how I want the story to go, how it to end, the start is kinda how I want it to be. I don't know how to improve this chapter but all the others I know can be made to have better sense and flow to it. Even explain this chapter... Sometimes I think I should have held off untill I made that chapter...
5349939
That helps a bit thanks.