After surviving the bloody slaughter of his platoon at the hands of the invading Human forces, one stallion of the Equestrian Day Guard is put to the test as he finds himself hunted by an invisible but deadly foe. A sniper follows his every move as he tries to escape the silent and terrifying opponent.
PS: I hit the 'Popular' section for the first time, yay!
(Thanks to Darwin4 for offering to be the editor for the story, you're the best! Also, if anyone is interested in making some cover art for me, then go ahead! Until then its staying as it is. If you do, I'll credit you and make sure my readers know of your contribution.)
Chapters (4)
This is just.....PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep it up!
Amazing so far, well thought out.
Would love a prequel.
Maybe other point of views?
I'm rooting for solar bomb and moon barrage.
Keep going.
I'll be waiting.
Don't disappoint me.
Now I must ask, what is the reason humanity (most likely the US) is at war with Equestria?
11/10, good job.
Will we get to find out WHY humanity invaded? Doesn't seem like there would be justifiable reason to. You'll need explain that. It has to be a good reason, too. You don't invade Carealot/Candyland without a very good reason.
Saw the end of the short description. Here is what came to mind:
i.ytimg.com/vi/oh0zBMyr3CA/maxresdefault.jpg
I can now see why the sniper is described as a true natural killer.
Not bad at all! Definitely a step above some of the other Humanity v.s Ponydom. Though, I wonder why the humans aren't using AC-130's or B-2 Bombers. Doesn't seem like they're taking prisoners. Also, don't most modern snipers use spotters?
5284336 That's what I was wondering, it would make more sense to ask them to surrender, rather than chase them through the ruins for days on end. but I'm guessing keeping magic wielders prisoner doesn't always work out. As for the spotter, technology might of made spotters not strictly necessary by then, hell, the tech is already there!
"Pointless MiE fic" checklist:
1) No adequate reason for the conflict (or proper immersion in the conflict to make sure we don't care): check
2) Half-assed descriptions of military hardware, tactics, and overall behavior: check
3) Crappy writing overall: almost check (compared to the MiE standard, this is almost passable)
The list goes on, but I think you get the picture. We have enough military-wank already. There is a way to make this subject tolerable, instead of just rehashing the same kind of stuff over and over again.
Bottom line: this could use a rewrite.
nice story so far, sjould have a bit more detail on the story behind the war( why it started, who started it), and the sniper should be more charatizated(sorry for my bad english)
What era of human warfare are they in?
At one point you mention they have LAV's and another is says that they are using propeller planes.
5284137 Such a professional...
5284623
1) For your information, there was a reason behind me not using specifics when it comes to the military hardware. I'm not sure if you noticed, but not all people in the world know OR care about it. If I start naming a bunch of weapons like M4A1, L85A2, M82A1, someone with little to no military knowledge is not going to have a clue what that means. The story id aimed towards the wider audience and I don't want to start littering the pages up with pictures. This is a story, not a picture book. Plus, the story is wrote (Mostly) from Flood's POV, and I'm pretty sure that the ponies don't know all the specifics either.
2) Unlike most MiE fictions, this is a short two chapter story focusing on a very small amount of time and a specific event through specific eyes. If you properly read the description then you'd know this. I personally haven't seen this exact idea done before, so I thought I'd write it. It covers one event in a shit ton of detail instead of following a life story to create a novel. That's what sets this apart from other stories.
However I do recognise that some people may think that all MiE fics are over-done, whether the specific concept is unique or not, and that's fine. But if you don't like it, don't read it.
5284935
They're mentioned at two points to be helicopters.
5284935
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5284137
5284336
5284571
5284889
Since you asked so nicely, I guess I'll start on a prequel when I'm done with this. i do like this idea and I do want to develop it further, so if the prequel goes well then maybe I'll make a sequel to this story. Who knows. Thanks for the support as always.
5285283
Word of advice: this is the worst kind of defense to use for any kind of argument. If we go by that kind of logic, then, by extension, if you don't like people giving you a bad review, don't submit it to a medium where they might see it and decide to read it.
Also, my beef was that the narration simultaneously tries to be vague and specific. The descriptions of the humans' tools don't come across as a pony's attempt to describe them (who have barely any idea what all the vehicles and weapons and whatnot are supposed to be), nor do they come across as an expert's who knows exactly which tool is which and what they do. Instead, it's a weird mix of the two that ultimately comes across as the usual "I saw it in Call of Duty" type of narration. To be fair, though, compared to the average MiE fic, it's still infinitely more tolerable.
And just because you want to appeal to a wider audience, that still doesn't mean you have to fall for the usual tropes, such as the "lone wolf sniper" thing. If he came across as this machine-like killer who just aims at a target, makes a few calculations, pulls the trigger, then moves on to the next one without any emotions or thoughts whatsoever, it would make this a truly dark fic. But if you have a scene where he flips off a helicopter for "blocking his next frag" or whatever... Yeah, immersion ruined...
As for the story itself, if you want to go for this type of one-shot, then I suggest you do away with the attempts to "build the setting" (i.e short and rushed attempts to give some backstory) and just focus entirely on the primary chain of events. You can expect (most of) the audience to understand what the military hardware being mentioned is anyway (even if it's from a pony's perspective), and, if done right, intentional vagueness (i.e "why are they at war anyway?") can still work if done right. In other words, if I'm at the edge of my seat because this pony is desperately trying to dodge this sniper's bullets, I won't give a crap about all the other details.
All that said, your premise has potential, but the execution suffers from the exact same pitfalls that almost ever other MiE fic does.
5285344
Well mate, you've got me on some parts, but on others, not so. I don't think the exactness of military tech should be implemented in order to preserve the desired effect. Remember this isn't finished yet, and I still have a chance to slither in a few features to right a wrong or two before the end. And thanks to your stubbornness to make sure I'm notified of a few issues, I am now aware of things that can be added in. I have gathered some ideas as to what I should add in on the next chapter:
1) Have Flood wonder why there is fighting, and explore some possible reasons that may be behind all of it before the possible prequel to make sure there is some why in there. However I don't want to ruin the sense of mystery as giving too much away stops the reader from thinking creatively.
2) Go over my work and think about how the technology used by humans is portrayed through the eyes of Flood.
3) Revise my sniper's position, he's a bit rough. I was going for the Enemy at The Gates style sniper, so I'll need to give his frustration section a small review as well as add a spotter.
4) Action, action, action, ACTION! Ok maybe not going too overboard, I want there to be suspense as well as bullet dodging as I want to get the sense of fear in some scenes. It is basically the entire point of writing about this concept.
5284623
I always find it strange how people jump down a writer’s throat when a story has just come out the door.
Everything doesn't have to be explained in the first chapter! How about people give it a chance to get on its feet before you slap it down?
God help the poor sod who tries to write a mystery, or build pacing.
5285501
There are at least five other comments that all praise this fic. I don't see what's wrong with balancing that out a little.
5285501
I'm glad at least one person gets it.
Looking through it, it's not too horrible. Giving a pony's POV in this kind of story, one where it isn't purely 'Magic is unstoppable' kind, is interesting. The amount of description given is pretty nice. The feelings of fear and confusion seem accurately played out, so I can feel like a realistic war is going on. Nor did you go all out and name/show a ton of hardware just for the hell of it. In fact, I'm actually going to disagree with a few others on here in that it's fine with just that. If I had to choose, I wouldn't want to see AC-130s or jets, tanks and IFVs, dozens of soldiers, etc etc. I'd suggest keeping it strictly between this sniper and guard, with a few pieces mentioned in passive ways here and there to add to the scenery.
But there are some big negatives. There's a lack of dialogue that makes it a chore to read; and I have to admit I started to skim halfway through. In fact, there's only one line of thought. If he feels something or notices something, or whatever it is, have him think about it. It gives the reader a refreshing break. And there's the absolutely massive problem of not explaining why this war started; from that alone you'll get a lot of hate, with the threat of careless CoD fadfic looming till you do. Even if it's supposed to be a mystery, give hints to why it started, some heavy ones; wars don't just start for no reason. Say for land, resources, hell they even had one about some dude's ear; just give something.
And of course there's the other points, one of which would indeed be the 'don't read if you don't like it' response. Honestly, it just makes you look more arrogant than anything, so tread carefully in your response.
So in short, it's not as bad as some people are claiming. But it's not as Godlike as others are claiming, either. There are a few original ideas sprinkled about, but none to make the entire thing original. The writing is ok, but not stellar. Basically, I won't give it a like or dislike. I'd have to concur with the idea of giving it a re-write and trying again.
BTW, asking for a custom cover art on the front page isn't the best way to get it; more than likely someone isn't going to come up and say 'hey, I'll draw you an awesome cover'. It'd be best to get a commission instead.
5284623
It's a tad harsh on the story itself, but this and the above reasons given are probably the best description already on here. Though I won't condone the fashion it's put in.
5286180
I wish all critics were as clear and reasonable as you, it would help this site's writers out a lot if there was. Thanks for the advice, I shall go through and make the suggested improvements.
Much better then 'hurr durr magic is fucking strong and blast every fucking human metal craps because magic'
No, seriously. It's much better then those shits.
Alright, lets see where this goes, shall we?
>inb4 lordofmyth
An alright story though
+1 Like
Interesting
5286572
One of FiM:Fiction's biggest and most well known haters.
5286612
He's more than a hater, he is the embodiment of all the combined faggotry and headconon-fodders the Internet has to offer. When he talks a bunch of shitty, garbled computer code flys from his mouth and anus.
5286572 Oh great now he's gonna show up.
5286732
Don't worry, I've fought him off before. Just show him logic and he'll evaporate back into his hovel.
I find this interesting.
5286619
Are you sure he's even sophisticated enough to know binary?
FINALLY!!! afic where we humans could finally get back a these horses. i'm tired of those T.C.B. shit
5288096
That's, UH... A good question.
Interesting. I've always enjoyed reading a story where it focuses on the silent killer of the military: The sniper.
Although I found that part of him where he gets mad at the helicopter blocking him to be a bit off character for a sniper. From a friend of mine who is one, they are trained to expect something like that in the battlefield.
Still good story and I hope to see why humanity had invaded besides the whole 'we're better because we're human' thing.
All the editions and revisions have made this story even more enjoyable to read! Keep it up! Also will we ever get any other stories that show things from the political and social side of things? As well as points of views from other types of soldiers?
Here's some poor technologically inferior pony with zero to negative one chance of escape and the military is just blowing through like24.media.tumblr.com/d2187674ba9ec35dd729f09c8a6c7060/tumblr_muiz0cwRIq1snt8zso1_500.gif
I'm liking this story, I'm looking forward to more :).
5290881
Let me simply say that I'm planning a sequel that runs through a shit tone of back-story me and Darwin4 spent nearly 5 hours preparing and figuring through.
It will follow the adventures of the good old mane 6 to stop these atrocities.
5289303
There is so much backstory to this that me and Darwin4 spent ages (nearly 5 hours) revising. We have a Google Doc with 11 pages of discussion about it. So trust me, if and when I get a sequel out, all will be explained.
Had those flashbacks of that frustrating segment with the sniper in CoD: WaW. That was when I knew that I would never qualify as a soldier after how many times I screwed up. . .
5316237
Killing the hotel sniper in one go after tons of practise is so satisfying.
Perfection!!!!!!!!!!!
5330625
Nah, not quite.
Americu--- er, Equestria! Fuck yeah!
Only to face an infantry man and get a bullet to the brain.
5330657 It isn't america...
An american would keep his body armor on, and shoot the pony in the head with his sidearm before he came around the stairs!
It was obvious that the guard was going to win melee combat, another thing humans nowdays do not have honour when they fight, they always have a back up plan when the original didn't work. If I was Alexis I would have brought a pistol and shot him on the head if he was winning
5331463 I'm aware it isn't America, it was Russian soldier, but I made the joke as a perspective from the Royal Guard.
5330637 He should've shot that stupid horse.