Struggling to live with a crippling case of impaired motivation.
They say that necessity is the mother of invention; when Twilight Sparkle is faced with dire necessity, she creates the mother of all inventions. But is it what Equestria really needs, or will Sparkle's creations cause more harm than good? Find out, as Twilight Sparkle builds herself into... Iron Mare.
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Oh wow. I truly enjoyed this. I hope you continue it! It's hard to find a good Iron Man/MLP crossover nowadays and this one was one of the best I've read.
Other than my previous but severely miscommunicated, by my part, complaint about the lack of space between each paragraph, I really don't have much problem with it overall other than a few question.
How do you intend on expanding the story? Will it follow the Ironman storyline (movie/comic) with a few pony twist or will it be completely separated with a very few Ironman twist sprinkle in occasionally?
For what reason is Coal imprison alongside Twilight? There is almost no mention WHY he is imprisoned other than just BE there to die, kinda like Flash Sentry
Why Bipedal? I ask because it add more complexity than what is necessary for a escape plan and not to mention it is incompatible to pony bone structure, yes, it is possible for a pony to walk on two legs but it will be VERY awkward to do so simply because they are NOT build to do so constantly/normally. And what does the front legs do while she is doing her thing other than punching?
How does Twilight 'yank' something from her back?
Do you have a reliable editor? Cuz some of the part are a bit confusing like "Twilight fastened the face-plate to the back portion of her helmet", does that mean Twilight put the metal face/mask thingy, where she can see stuff, to the BACK of her head?
How long was Twilight imprisoned?
And now a question to the other commenter, do you see the same thing I see when you read the story, as in the lack of spacing between paragraph? Cus I tried to copy and past two paragraph from the story and when I did that, and there IS a spacing between the paragraph. Another thing I notice is the inconsistent spacing at the start of a paragraph.
Not bad so far. You do know you can type [ hr ] (no spaces)
instead of using the ~'s as a transition.
Overall, it's great. I'll probably wait until you complete it before I continue reading.
5260852 Sorry it took so long to reply, you asked a lot of questions and I needed some time to sit down and answer them.
(1) I have decided not to pursue this story; the community has not shown enough interest to make it worth the effort. However, my original plan was to make the story sort of a halfway point between Iron Man and MLP. I did take a peek at some other Iron Man crossovers, and was amazed to see that they all cast Rainbow as the Iron Mare. I think this is because they were taking Iron man and trying to squeeze it into a pony mold, as apposed to taking ponies and making an Iron Man story out of them. I was planning on a plot very loosely based on the first Iron Man movie.
(2) I hope that Coals didn't really seem like Flash Sentry to you. It's true that perhaps he was not absolutely necessary, and it's also true that it's generally a good idea to minimize the number of OCs in a story, but it's also true that every Iron Man story must have it's Yensen (sic?), and that's what Coals is.
(3) Bipedal makes more sense to me; bone structure be damned. Without magic, being a quadruped without any manipulators suddenly is very inconvenient. My head-canon (which I believe is affirmed by the actual canon) is that ponies are quite compatible with two-legged functioning.
(4) Magic.
(5) I'm just too metal for editing.
Iron Man had a face-plate which can be lifted, as well as static portion of the helmet which covers the non-face parts of the head. Sorry if that was unclear.
(6) I thought about two weeks, counting the time she was comatose. As for why nopony came looking for her... idk.
5260736 I'm glad you enjoyed it! That's the only praise I aim to achieve. Unfortunately, I can't spend dozens of hours writing something which only a few dozen people are interested in reading.
5267788
I don't actually mind Flash Sentry and Yensen, but the difference between them and Coal is that they have a REASON to be there. Yehsen is a brilliant scientist all on his own and Flash Sentry is a guard to the Crystal Empire. Coal? He is just there. I find that a reason, no matter how big or small, add more character no matter their significance. Most OC's at least have a REASON to exist, no matter whether they should exist in the first place.
Can you try explaining further on the manipulator thing, in which I believe magic can substitute? Also, have you tried walking on all four of your limbs? I mean both hand and feet (not knee) touching a even ground and try to just move from there, now imagine that keeping that posture in a hostile environment where hostiles WILL try their very best to MAIMED YOU.
Possible, yes, but it messes with your perception, awkward to do and completely different from what you usually do without extensive training, which is a very dumb thing to do or experiment in an active hostile environment.
Ironman is bipedal because he IS Bipedal. No matter how many different suits and functionality he make, the basic template is that it is Bipedal because that is what human like Tony Stark is build and comfortable for, and that is why Tony Stark build Ironman suit like a Bipedal. Ponies like Twilight, forcing herself to a suit build for bipedal, does NOT make sense.
I can accept that, although you should mention it in the story. I mean, when I read that passage, I thought Twilight just turn her head and yanks it with her mouth, then I realize she is bipedal now and can't reach her back.
The IDK thing is not a very good indicator of a good story. I seen and read most story who the author just do for the heck of it, most didn't even managed to finish it regardless of the quality or effort. Usually because they lack commitment or hit a road block. Most of the greatest story I HAVE read the author have a very very rough idea of a beginning, a middle and the end. It just refining it, clearing it and explaining it as well as the most important question of all, is it rational?
For example, this of the Mort takes a Holiday the author, long story short, makes a few chapter worth and find that he didn't like it because it would lead to something he didn't like or to something irrational where a reasonable-minded person find easy to resolve.
Only this time, you replace Rainbow Dash/Tony Stark with Twilight. You replace most of the beginning scene of Ironman with what you think are a pony equivalent. Not a very good indicator of a original idea if you ask me.
Try sticking to one-shot for practices and ideas. Whatever ideas you can think of, try writing it down and refining it and see how we will react. And maybe try sticking to MLP-FIM, cause its simpler to manipulate a story you want that way.
5268475 Coals does have to be different from Yensen, though he is still necessary. With Iron Man, Yensen does have to be very intelligent and skilled, because it requires some outside-the-box thinking to bury a magnet in a guy's chest. He also has to be technically skilled, because the Iron Man is very technically complex. Coals doesn't need to be as skilled. His main purpose for existing is to repair Twilight when she first arrives. He is also there to help Twilight, but the Iron Mare is almost entirely built around the ideas of Aurum and The MAS Capacitor, both of which Twilight can make by herself. Coals doesn't need to be a technician; he just needs to be a smith. As for the 'nopony comes looking for Twilight' problem: in a magical world, you can't really hide a high-profile person in a cave and not be found. So if you're going to make an Iron-Man/MLP crossover, at least one with the origin story as we know it, the options are either to make a story with a small plot-hole, or not write it at all. I chose the former. Believe me, I hate plot holes more than anyone I personally know, but we all have our tolerances; yours is evidently lower than mine.
Ponies do sometimes adopt a bipedal posture. It's not the default, but it doesn't seem to be uncomfortable. So the analogy of a human walking on on all fours isn't fair, because we humans never do that.
In order to make an Iron-Man story, your Tony Stark has to have the skills to make Iron Man. He does not necessarily have his particular personality; Iron Man can exist without it. That's why my use of Twilight is different from other people's use of Rainbow: although Rainbow does have an approximation of Tony's personality, she does not have his skills. The author has to change Rainbow to make the story possible. I, on the other hand, don't have to change Twilight at all. I can make her Iron Mare and just not have a protagonist with Tony's personality. It will be different, yes, but the character is the same one we all know and love, and thus the story seems more plausible and (hopefully) enjoyable.
5270997
People CAN walk on all four limbs, that does NOT necessarily means that we do it ALL the time. Babies in their first few years walk on all four limbs, granted they do use their knees, and Adult tend not to do so unless it is needed such as repairing or go into small places. The reason why we don't do it ALL the time because it tend to be uncomfortable if we do so for a long period of time
Ponies is the opposite, unless it is needed for a pony to go bipedal, they don't do so. Just because its not uncomfortable the first few moments doesn't mean it stays that way
But you do stated that it more or less follow the first Ironman movie, right?
Do you at least have a different idea for the middle and end? Because other than Ironman going on a rampage against their kidnapper, destroying weapons of war, uncovering conspiracy, a secret benevolent spy organization, a greedy and evil betraying mentor/friends and such that makes Ironman a good drama, its not much originality.
Its less of a plot-hole and more of a too-damn-obvious. I noticed it the FIRST time I read it, it tend to ruin the experience for me. I would at least appreciate it if the plot-hole is extremely subtle, or something else big enough to COVER it.
5271572 I did have a plan for the middle and end that was fairly different from the movie.
5272210
If you do feel strongly about this story, try writing about it, don't post it or anything, just write. While you do so, write about something else to post in fimfiction. Write something short, or a continuation of something else, whatever, as long as you write something other than what you want.
Try to listen to what other people will think of your story, try learning something from them. Heed, ignore or challenge whatever critism, do as you feel appropriate, as long as you learn something.
Then, you decide whether it is worth it to continue this story. If you continue, take what you learn and try to apply or rewrite whatever you written. If you don't, no great loss, continue to the next idea that pops into your head.
5272860 Thanks for the advice, and thanks for your feedback. I would continue to write this story if it was fun to write, but I didn't really enjoy writing it; it's a bit too serious. Of course, I'm keeping it here and on my computer in case I change my mind. I will continue to write. In fact, I'm already thinking of new ideas.
I would really like to see more of this.
6508016 Good! I think this story deserves more attention. I've been inspired in the past few days to finally write a second chapter, and I have a pretty good idea of a plot for it. You might end up editing it!