I can't dance, I can't talk... and draw, and sing, and write, and study and do everything else.
It was the greatest discovery. New homeworld of sapient species. It was the first event of such kind for the whole millenium. So the Planetology Institute of the Union immediately equipped the expedition, and soon research teams arrived on the planet. They made avatars for themselves, infiltrated local societies and began to do their work. And this work turned out to be very, very interecting and full of adventures and surprises.
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Ok. I liked it. But I have several quips. I understand english isn't your first language, as you have said Authors helping authors group, and I understand it was a tad difficult to write in such a complex language, but the grammatical errors triggered my ocd. Also, where is the plot? Main character(s)? I read all of chapter one and I still have no idea what is going on; who are these people? Are they ponies? Are they humans? What species are they? The character at the beginning, Kepo, I had no idea he was an AI until you brought it up later on during the meeting. Your characters need developement; describe what they look like, their personailty, what they do for a living. That kind of stuff.
Secondly, back onto the plot. You need to describe the setting. During the beginning of the chapter, I was confused as to where these two unknown characters were at. Where they aboard a space shuttle of some kind? Were they on their home planet? I understand that can be a bit difficult, but do understand that you need to describe the situation. I, as the reader, have no idea if they were looking to settle on a new home world, or if they were just searching for new planets just for the heck of it. You need to describe what is going on.
Thirdly; character developement. During the council session, several unknown characters popped up. Most of which the reader never knew existed. The races of these people, what are they? You said their names plenty of times, but we don't know what they are or their role in the story. For all we know, they could just be random background characters that throw in their opinion when the situation calls for it.
*sigh*
I'm not hating. Don't think of this comment as degrading, but encouraging. I'm not saying your story is bad, not by any means, but it could use a LOT of work. Proof reading, editing, etc. But even with all that, I liked it and I do hope you continue it.
Sincerely, Undead Parchment 0900
Before you say anything I should note one thing: you are reading a story written by person whose native language is Belarusian. I uderstand that my English grammar and punctuation aren't perfect. But I want to make the story better. So, if you want to help, here is the ZIP-archive (with docx, odt and txt files): https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0jqKRMwYG7TQktiQXRienBMX00/view?usp=sharing or you may send edited parts and chapters me here on this site - I check mail here every day. Thank you.
I have a little trouble keeping up with all the characters. I even lost count how many different species there are. Good thing they're all ponies. Well, at least around Ponyville.
I think this one would have been better by splitting it into multiple chapters and then explain a little more about what is actually happening. This entire dialogue made it look like the chapter was just thrown down and uploaded.
Bad metaphor on my part.
How should I put it? I know you put a lot of effort into it, but it seems rushed. And I know, I'm going into nitpicking now, but Fluttershy seems a bit out of character, by welcoming so many new ponies at once, without acting at least a little more cowardly. And where's angel? There was a great opportunity missed with him getting it on with one of the aliens.
It's hard to keep up with the overall story. The first chapter is okay, but a lot to take in. Later those dialogue "boxes"...well, let's say, they're not helping. It feels rushed from time to time and in this chapter a few things were really rushed, like those mind scans. It would have been better, if you included the results of the scans. I'm sure they'll come next chapter, but summaries would have been helpful.
This story is going well so far. I like it already. :)
Sorry, but I have to stop here. In short, this was really hard to read. You seriously need an editor. One that can sort out all those alien words because they are so jumbled together with the bad grammar that no one can tell if it's a name or a term or a world. The plotline is interesting and could be promising, but you really need to find some one that can edit for you.
6741064
It would be wonderful to have an editor, but... the story is quite specific and big, and it's hard to find someone who will agree to edit it. I had been trying for a year.
I appreciate any help. I will be very grateful for each advice and recommendation.
Cheese on a cracker, you seriously need an editor!
I mean, I was only just able to force myself to keep going. Ugh, I'm still cringing...
Sorry, but I'll have to get back to this later...
First and foremost. It's over 140k words. Second. It only has twelve likes, and eleven comments.
WHAT. HOW.
How has no one read this? You seriously need to start putting your story in some groups man, just from the description alone I squeed out loud. It just sounds so cool!
I'll definitely be willing to give this a read, despite the disparraging comments.
And seeing as theres so few comments, I'll try to leave one per chapter~
There is to much talking... Not bad! Just keep falling asleep
This is really hard to read... Like what are the aliens like? I know a few are human but still would be nice to know what the others are.
Ok, up to this chapter, I had read the odd Grammer as an attempt to make the researchers culture seem alien and futuristic.
But now that we are on equestria and the mane six are also speaking in that same odd way, it suddenly hit me. Your writing this in Spanish or some other language and using a translation program to convert to english.
Story wise I'm following along and think I see what your trying to do, but some of the odder alien effects seem a bit forced especially as they see surprized by features of their new bodies. Yet have such advanced technology to grow new , to them, alien bodies based on a simple scan.
Shouldn't that mean a the alien carry over parts was by design?
For a non native speaker? Damned impressive. I know far too many who were born with this language who couldn't write their way out of a sack of potatoes.
That being said, yeah. I agree with the comment you had on the newer chapters, getting an editer, especially one who will actually stick through with you is tough. Trying to get one to come in after the story has already passed 100K? They probably look at this story like it's an unclimbable mountain.
That being said, I wish you luck in your endeavors, and shall continue reading. Hopefully this promising start hides a deep and interesting story.
7083825
Thank you, but... this story is quite an odd one.
7082325
Look in chapter 3.
7082330
Speaking about translation... Yep, I use translation programs for orientation (I speak Belarusian and Russian, the languages where there is no such this as word order at all and, well, it has some bad effects).
Speaking about scan... I meant the scanning where each atom is registered. Knowing features of each particle and having experience of several million years, well, it's possible to create new DNA. Odd features are the consequences of the combining of DNA - to make the adaptation easier, new body must have some features of original one.
And that episode when researchers get surprised with features of their new bodies... well, it is not the best. I'll make a little addition to make it clearer and more understandable.
I remebered what I had forgotten. Now I added it to the text.
I rather enjoy this story quite a bit. I understand it's the English as a second language kind of thing is holding back the work from gaining wider appeal, and there are some idioms that just don't translate over well, but it's still been an enjoyable story to read. I would be up for reading more, if it updated again.
7607208 I'm glad to hear it! I hope, I'll manage to write new chapter on the last week of October.
W...wh-what.....? A story with over 160k words with only 16 likes?!
And it's on exploration of Equestria by extra terrestrials?
Good sir, this story has been added to the group New Horizons, and we love exploration and discovering the unknown here!
I'm really surprised their story of being Europonians is managing to hold up against scrutiny. Especially since ancient ponies such as Luna and Celestia keep being surprised by their wide breath of knowledge and experience. While it's true that they are peers without the disguise, could mortal ponies without technology extending life be anywhere near their level?
7879482 I know, many situaltions here look silly, but the very idea of the story was that it will be primarily a sci-fi adventure comedy (I just can't do without humor in my stories). But, unfortunately, I could choose only 5 genres, so... I chose the ones you see.
Twilight's a Princess and the former Element of Magic and she sucks at cleaning?
Nice chapter!
I just realized that this story only has 19 likes... how does it only have 19 likes?
9136910
English isn't my native language, and I'm not good (for a writer) at it.
9138344
It's an interesting story regardless. It's a shame it doesn't have more likes.
...
...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THE END"?!
But, fantastic story A_Guy_From_Earth, I thoroughly enjoyed it!