Join Soarin' as he tries to express his feelings for a certain rainbow haired tomboy.
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- Member Since 31st Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Apr 13th, 2022
PersephoneSunSpark
Hi there! Call me Persephone or Seph! Want see some art? Visit my deviantart: http://robotmonkeygirl91.deviantart.com/
PersephoneSunSpark
Joined 31st Dec, 2011 ·
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This was a fun story. I'm going to go ahead and give it a thumbs up, assumming that you'll go back and fix some of the glaring grammatical issues. Specifically, the ones pertaining to your dialogue. Remember, if a quote has a dialogue tag, then the dialogue itself is not a sentence fragment, and should not end in a period, nor should the following fragment be capitalized. Also remember: not all sentences surrounding dialogue should be used as dialogue tags.
For example:
Should be: “Still having trouble?” came the voice of his best friend as she came to sit across from him. "Came the voice . . ." is not a complete sentence, and is therefore a dialogue tag, and a part of the sentence before.
"Spitfire rolled her eyes" and "She giggled goodheartedly" are complete sentences, and should not end in a comma.
Again, "Rarity said firmly" is not a complete sentence, while "The boy is obviously . . ." is, so this sentence should read: "Yes," Rarity said firmly. "The boy is obviously having trouble writing something and he hasn't even put music to it."
Another thing I would do, just for aesthetic appeal, is take out all your unnecessary "filler words". Referring back to the examples above, I would change the "still having trouble" sentence to something like: "Still having trouble?" came his best friend's voice as she sat across from him. See what I did there? I took out the words the, of, came, and to without losing any meaning and making this a clearer, stronger sentence.
Also, an ellipses consist of three consecutive periods, not two, not four. You had a lot of ellipses in here, most of which were done correctly, but several that weren't.
I could go on, but that's enough for you to look over for now. If you need any help, there are plenty of groups that are literally dedicated to helping people fix their grammatical errors. They help big time, trust me.
Great story Really enjoyed it. You need to work on 'showing not telling' but otherwise very well done.
I loved it! Just the grammatical errors and you should be fine.
That was a great shipping fic. I haven't seen many good one lately. Probably just me. Anyway, great job, and for a first fic, that was very well executed. Hope to see more of you in the future.
(Only problem: the cover art. People see ponies on cover art, they assume that it's a pony story despite the tags. People see humans on the cover art, they assume that it's a human story despite the tags.)
I love how you used Calm Wind's characteristics for the Wondercolts.
It was also really cute how Misty wasn't deaf, but just really quiet.
5239596
Haha~! Thank you~! I totally didn't mean for them to come out that way but they did (as I'm still working on my own headcanons for them) And yeah, personal headcanon for Misty is she's quiet/acts mute because "You'd be surprise at how much work you can get out of if everyone thinks you can't talk~!"
Misleading picture. I thought it was horses XD. I know it was in the tags but there are a lot of people who jump right into it.
Awwwwwe!!! So sweet!!!
Sort bad sweet and simple!!!
5240741
Yeeah...I don't have a proper cover yet,
5240898
Haha, that was actually the inspiration song XD
5241170 dont worry though this is my oppinion. Plus this is a great story :D. Try deviantart. They have a ton of soarindash pics.
That Was So Cute !
5244672
Thank you~!
I am pretty awesome
(Hasn't read)
SO TRUE
I made a poem for my crush
I couldn't help it
So silly yet I love it.
sweet and short and a bit mushy but hey just came to say nice short story, I see that lot's of other ponies (people) have already told you that it's similar to Ross Lynch's song called Not A Love Song
OMG I love the story!
Can u put a part on when they have their first kiss if you are making a sequel?
Well.......... It's declared that dating Rainbow Dash makes sure you have plenty of drama......
5993052 They kiss only a few lines before the end of the story. Twice, if you count the peck on the nose that Rainbow gets afterward.
THIS IS SOO KEWL
OMG! 
MAKE A SEQUEL PLZ
OML. that was amazing.
Yep, rarity is TOTALLY a soarindash SHIPPER, just like me
