- Member Since 9th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Ponyess
I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP
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Okay, this is an interesting concept, but it's quite... abrupt. The "jigglies and nibbles" part seemed out of character for Chrysalis, and a few other sentences were confusing ("the hooves of my thumbs"?).
5093387 in what way is it abrupt?
She is a female and as a Changeling she could take on the form of others, in this case Anthro.
miniature hooves in place of nails, hope this idea isn't a problem.
I would need to read considerably more stories to see how large any one concept is.
I chose these scene to introduce the story, by introducing the Stallion into the Hive.
Would it have been better if I invented a new Hive and Queen for this story?
5093437
Oh, little hooves for nails. I haven't seen that done before, but that's a perfect example of what I meant by abruptness---try putting in a few more lines here and there describing the setting, environment, and the unique things you chose to put in this story. Having a Changeling as a main character gives you a lot of room to play; why not a bit more description when she's transforming, maybe? That way you could describe the new forms she takes and have some fun doing so.
5093449 This is exactly why I enjoy having a few comments early on, I sometimes get too excited over an idea.
I have a few stories with this already, since I found it fascinating when someone mentioned the idea.
Slipping in these details here would be the best way introduce the situation. I think these changes is part of being Changeling. Just as important as the need for Love.
In this case, it was Chrysalis herself who designed the means of acquiring the required Love for her hive.
I just added a paragraph on her changes, but added a few small changes that felt right, while I was at it.