- Member Since 12th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen April 16th
Fillyfooler
I am Group admin of 'The Fillyfoolers', I write stories about candy colored ponies making and desiring love. Appleshy is my OTP.
Fillyfooler
Joined 12th Nov, 2011 ·
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Too early to judge yet... but this could be interesting.
I agree with FascinationUnlimited, I feel like I can't really make a conclusive judgement on this as of now, but I will say that I really like how you've tried to justify the idea of mare-mare pregnancy in very tasteful, almost artistic way. I've seen way too many fics where the act is turned more into a gag than it is something to be taken seriously in order to move the plot forward. For that alone you get a fav and a thumb. I'll be looking out for this.
i third the responses of the previous comments. following.
I saw a few minor spelling errors such as:
>> ( White pink for Lyra and Seaform Green for Bon-Bon)
>>Seafoam?
Otherwise, I await more eagerly!
Mares having foals without the use of a donor...
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/299/453/1e9.gif
572578 eeeeyup. MAGIC.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png
Their curse was not being cool enough to make their love of the same sex justifiable to me! I'M IN COMMAND HERE!
The mare-mare pregnancy thing is why i'm tracking.
definitely not bad. It could flow a bit better at times (on occasion it seems a bit blocky) but that isn't an easy thing to do. Regardless, tracking
I will watch and see where this goes.
This seems really cool, especially with the reasoning and all for the mare-mare pregnancy.
Can't wait to see how it goes after this.
Too early to judge, but there are hints of a good story here reminiscent of Two's Company, Three's a Crowd. You do have issues with grammar and mixing up words here and there, though.
You've got me curious, though.
572578>>572474
Looks like neither one of you have read Two's Company, Three's a Crowd. One of the most well-known Vinyl/Tavi shipfics that have this situation as the very thing the plot revolves around in its entirety.
574109
Could you explain these grammar issues and mixing up of words?
Oh so thanks to all who faved I should come up with a new chapter soon but for now you all receive 5 moustache
*foal*Hey mom where do foals come from?
*Mom*A combination of love, magic and heaps of bits.
*foal*....neat.
580219
No technically its love, magic and moonstones, diamonds, a pomegranate and a 5 petaled hearts desire.
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I guess but do ya think you could hold a kids attention long enough to go through the list. I know at a young age I couldn't concentrate. I'd be distracted by something shiny.
So re-added the page because I didn't fell right with the page last time for some reason and because I fixed most of the spelling.
Thanx FF
The story pic went from cute to BAH HUMBUG!
775005
I find the pic to be an almost direct link to the spell used in the fic.
How?
Celestria?
782565
Fixed
Great Job so far
Hope ther is more coming soon
797960 yes when is the rest coming out cant wait
Fillyfooler my friend, you know I like you and you know I like your group. But this needs... a bit of cleanup. At the very least, it's "Bon-Bon's curse." It looks better spelled right. Other than that, the suggestions above were spot on.
979558
Thanks
Interesting, will watch to see progression
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
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.
Then you and everyone else will be waiting a while, I have no idea where to go on from here
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So be it, I have much to read.
Wish I could help but the internet fluctuates heavily, as well as my lack of having a clear understanding of current "footholds" from which you could go from - there seem to be quite a few, they are however, tenuous at best due to my lacking of your "vision" for the story.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png
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Edited it everybody. Sorry for the wait.
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
I find myself in a bit of an odd position here readers. You see romance stories and I have a bit of an unstable history. Sometimes they've led me on a grand adventure through strange new worlds, and other times they've tied me down and seared my ass with a branding iron, and I don't mean in the kinky clopfiction sorta way either.
I've never been against romance stories, although I do suck at writing them. Seriously, if a gun was held to my head and my only two chances of survival were to chew my own thumbs off and use them as my personal dildos, or to write a decent romance story, my ass would be buggered so fast I'd be in danger of choking on the opposable limbs.
So as you can probably imagine I'm a little hesitant to write a review in the romance genre, but as I’m still fairly new to this reviewing shtick as a whole, I must find ways to challenge myself to attain new heights and better my style, plus this story is less than three thousand words long and definitely belongs to the branding iron camp of romance stories, so who cares how badly I fuck this up! So now in the words of my dearly beloved, and overly loud father.
'My turn now, shove this up your ass you dirty cunt!'
If there’s one thing good I can say about ‘Lyra’s Gift and Bon-Bon’s Curse’, it’s that the title page perfectly encapsulates the theme of the story. Lots of romantic situations and actions with little to no substance for them what-so-ever. That’s really the biggest problem this story has actually, Lyra and Bon-Bon are supposed to be this close tightly bound married couple, but they feel more like fuckbuddies.
“Oh look at this!” the story says. “Lyra and Bon-Bon are tonguing each other after a hard day’s work, they must be in love! And look, they call each other cute nicknames and get playfully annoyed at each other for doing so, they must be in love! And look again, they shag each other constantly and can never seem to keep their hooves off of each other whenever it’s possible, did I mention that they’re in love!” First rule of romance, the characters must use their mouths to talk more often than their dicks… or cunts in this case.
They did manage to momentarily break this trope during the few moments when the story focuses on the main plot, I.E. Bon-Bon attempting to get impregnated, which were some of the few moments that actually managed to draw me into the relationship and made Lyra and Bon-Bon seem like a proper couple, but these moments are small gems found scrambled amongst the diarrhea of a horribly diseased dog, with a fucked up eating disorder.
I hope you have some blankets and a nice soft pillow available when you read this because the dialogue is going to tuck you in and lullaby you to sleep. From the very start of the story I was under the impression that this was taking place in a strange alternate universe where everyone’s speech patterns are designed to be as boring and robotic as possible. Even when Pinkie Pie came bouncing onto the set it still fell flat, because it sounded off like every mediocre fanfic portrayal of her does. Spontaneously appear out of nowhere, unfunny fourth wall joke, lazy introduction of what could’ve been an interesting plot device. It’s really sad when you can list the random antics of Pinkie off a checklist.
Now moving on to the grammar. Normally I don’t like to bring up spelling or grammar in a review unless… you know what no, I can’t do this. I’ve been in danger of chewing off my own face from seeing so much of this shit lately, I’m not going on until I’ve addressed it.
I fucking hate it when Pinkie is used as a plot device instead of, oh you know, an actual fucking character! Whenever you need to shoehorn in some random plot element in the most hilarious and over the top means possible, don’t resort to silly wit or cleverness, just unleash this pink ball of crazy on your fic and watch the praise roll in. Have her state the most random thing that pops into your head, because random is always funny, always! Have her bluntly state the fact that she’s in a fictional story while remaining completely oblivious to the fact that fourth wall humor is only good when it’s maliciously mocking the piece or genera it’s in. You can never go wrong with this hyperactive mental patient.
Honestly, I’ve lost count of how many brain cells I’ve burst while watching authors resort to cop out bullshit like this to drive their story along instead of actually putting some bloody effort into being funny. In this case, why not have some douchebag of a doctor check them up only to dismissively tell them Lyra is the one who’s pregnant before slapping a bill in their face, or maybe have Bon-Bon suddenly realize when Lyra’s cravings kick in and she starts guzzling down full jars of pickle juice with a side order of toothpaste. Wit and timing is the key to humor ladies and gentlecolts, not Pinkamena ex Machina.
Okay, got it all out, now where was I with the review? Oh yes, the grammar.
Normally I don’t like to bring up spelling or grammar in a review, unless it gets in the way of reading the story. You see grammar is truly like raising little girl. Give her love and attention and she’ll blossom into a sweet little angel who’ll always be well behaved and quiet around guests. Ignore her however, and she’ll turn into a rebellious little bitch who’ll scream obscenities at your dinner party and fling shit in the chocolate pudding.
The main point of dysfunction in this case is paragraphs. The second chapter in particular reached a new low. I couldn’t even tell what the fuck was going on because the paragraphs are just spliced in so randomly and sporadically that I wouldn’t be surprised if a lobotomized chimp had banged on the enter key a few times while the author wasn’t looking.
Is it truly that hard to use proper paragraphs? You use them to separate one subject from another, and you use them to separate a character’s dialogue in conversation. Also, if you’re going to use two spaces for scene transition then make sure it’s the only thing you use it for. Otherwise you’re just making a confusing mess for your audience to sort through in order to tell the difference between the characters suddenly teleporting to a new location, or just some random ass space put there for purpose of… of… Why the hell are those spaces there?
You know it’s actually tragic that this story is so bad, because the core idea of it sounds like it could’ve been interesting, and Satan knows it would’ve been interesting had it been pulled off with a bit more skill. As of now the story is unfinished, but unless Mother Mary descends from the heavens to breath life into the dialogue and add some fucking believability to the relationship, then I probably won’t be here to continue reading it.
It saddens me that an idea with such potential was wasted, in fact now a feel a little guilty leaving off on such a negative note. Maybe I should add one more bit of praise just clear my conscience, let me think a moment… Okay I’ve got one.
Lyra’s Gift and Bon-Bon’s Curse, at least it’s not a Party.MOV reference.
i.imgur.com/tObrJZB.png?1
4271554
Jesus... what's with you and twitterdick writing all these really disgusting sex analogies lately?
Normally I'm not that squeamish when it comes to this sort of thing, but... ugh...
(NOTE: this comment was written by a person with a slight hangover)
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I don't know about Twitterdick, but I'm just morally bankrupt.
cdn.iwastesomuchtime.com/July-25-2011-00-51-21-aa.jpg
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A different characters actions should also get a new line.
(Story added to Read It Later in hope of its being completed; although it looks pretty conclusively abandoned.)