I bear no name. I hold no rank. I am no one. But not to my master. To my master I am his. And he treats those that are his well. I will not speak of my tale here. Come with me to the shadows below and hear my tale told of how my master shall reclaim what was taken from him.
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Alright, here is my verdict.
Not the worst I have ever seen, but far from good. You need to add correct punctuation, and learn to structure sentences better. Read your own writing out loud, and see if it sounds right. Or else you get something like this.
Make sure to read you writing over, and over, to catch all the mistakes. Or, better yet, have somebody you know read it over, to tell you if something looks particularly funky.
You tend to jump around alot when it it comes to tense. You mostly wrote this in past tense, but a lot of times in here, you slipped into present tense, which can break immersion and be very disorienting.
This is a debatable thing, but we live in a world where paragraph indentation is no longer needed. So, you really don't have to indent your paragraphs as long as there is at least a line of space in between them.
Overall, not a bad fic. Keep writing.
4989309 Thanks for pointing these things out for me. I'll go back through it to fix the stuff you mentioned and get someone to proofread to help me see what I can't. Also, thanks for your ending comment because I hadn't realized that I left this as "incomplete" in its status. This was just a "what if" scenario I hadn't intended on taking past the initial chapter. Again, thank you for your advice and I'll get started on this as soon as I can
4997048
No sweat, friend.