Corrupted Souls

by Flame Blade

The offer

Apple Jack suddenly awoke to a voice in the cave, "so, your awake, I have been awaiting your arrival" said a wingless dragon, who looked just like spike.

"Who are you?" asked Apple Jack, completely discombobulated by the dragons presence,

"I am spikes father, he is my son, stolen from the nest by a white pegasus in armour and I knew a pony would come someday, to take the offer" said the dragon, glaring at Apple Jack, who thought she was going to get ripped to pieces.

"What offer is that now?" said apple jack a little less confused.

"Why the offer is power, the power to be an alicorn at will" said the large purple dragon.

"Are ya sure I could turn into an alicorn?" questioned apple jack, another rush of greed creeping through her body.

"Yes, try it" said the dragon, clicking his fingers and instantly Apple Jack let out a scream, as a pain seared through her head and back. A pair of orange wings formed on her back and a orange unicorn horn grew from her head.

"Wow, what else can ya do?" asked apple jack intrigued by the powers of the beast.

"lots more all you need to do, is give me you soul" said the dragon with a grin.

"Give ya me soul? Sure, it was difficult getting up this darn mountain anyways" said apple jack, who was very scared, to the dragon, who clicked his fingers and said "Your wish is my command" which was followed by an evil laugh, then Apple Jack felt her wings grow, she felt all her teeth become inch long fangs, her mane grow almost touching the floor of the cave and changed from blond to gold. The feathers on her wings became golden tipped, her horn grew longer and also became gold tipped. She became taller and thinner, the magic beginning to starve her. She realised her cutie mark had become one shiny golden apple and then a rush of pain engulfed her and her soul was ripped out of her body.

Then the greed subsided and she said faintly "Why?"
Apple Jack realised that she was standing in front of a castle guard, who was starring at the monster she had become. Then she lept onto the pony and violently pulled his head off and sucked out his soul. Apple Jack lept into the sky and flew towards Ponyville.

The flight to Ponyville was quite quick, apart from eating, ten pegasi and one unicorn along the way, but she still wasn't full. As she landed in Ponyville, she saw Pinkie Pie bouncing through the dim lit streets of Ponyville. Apple jack lept onto the pink mare, not even giving her time to scream.

As the sun rose, Apple Jack returned painfully to her earth pony form and woke up in bed thinking it was all a dream, but she could never be further from the truth.

Author's Note:

Discombobulated means confused

Comments

[RavenFire2908]

I like this ;D

[DerpyNate]

Well, I liked this chapter, it was far from bad, but even further from average.

This is by far my favorite part.

"Wow, what else can ya do?" asked apple jack intrigued by the powers of the beast.

"lots more all you need to do, is give me you soul" said the dragon with a grin.

Applejack would nev-

."Give ya me soul? Sure, it was difficult getting up this darn mountain anyways"

...

Wait... what? She just, like, gave her soul like that. K.

[Sauron]

*Groan*... second time today. Today is going to long.

Judging Fics by Their Covers: My Impression of Your Description
Part 6 of 9999: Corrupted Writing

You know, this is the first one of these reviews where the title was good and the story wasn't "Alicorn OC" level cliche. This could actually be good.

Now let's talk about what's bad:
The description is too short. It's only one sentence, and not a long one at that.

The chapters are too short. They're only 500 words. Many have said this before, and I say it now: 1000 words minimum. I recommend at least 2000 words a chapter. (I've broken this rule.)

Grammar: Your description is a run-on sentence with bad grammar and no punctuation.

"Fobids" is not a word.

Characterization: Applejack doesn't act like Applejack. She doesn't seem like the character in the show.

Impression: 32/2563

[Flame Blade]

4973839 don't tell me to do that if you broke the rule then

[Dragonborne Fox]

5480229 Hey, everyone can be a hypocrite now and again. I used to do the same thing myself.

[Flame Blade]

5480299 k...

[Dragonborne Fox]

5487600 I take it you draw?

[Flame Blade]

5487609 yup i do cover art

[Dragonborne Fox]

5487610 Digital or hand?

[Flame Blade]

5487611 hand http://www.fimfiction.net/story/240442/becoming-the-myth

[Dragonborne Fox]

5487630 fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/228091.png?1418017992

Could you do a hand-drawn rendition of this image, please? I'll provide more details in PM.

[Flame Blade]

5487661 yea?

[Dragonborne Fox]

5487663 :D