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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Short chapters that give the reader an idea of what this world is like which is good as some writers have problems getting that right so good job also your grammar and sentences are done well to with that also I hope you'll make the chapters longer as the story continues also I can see this expanding into a good story to so I'll stick around to see where this goes. I like the story and will say good luck to you.
Good first start but what is a "sabrathanian"?
A bit of info on what is a sabrathanian and a little description
of the location would help readers see/feel this place.
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His light armor underneath his cloak, chaffed his skin the more he walked.
chafed
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Pick a tense, Past or Present and stick with it.
It gets confusing to read past and then its present tense.
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There she is. he thought. Sunset Simmer.
Sunset Simmer or Shimmer?
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If you are doing thoughts, use italics or she thought or another way.
Do not mix.
Since its in italics its a thought, adding she thought is overkill.
I like this
or
She thought she liked that
or
I like that, she thought
You can google up how to show thoughts.
There is a lot of depth to the subject.
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I don't really care about length as long as the story works.
Your story does work.
I wish you well on your project.