- Member Since 2nd Nov, 2012
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Admiral Biscuit
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Admiral Biscuit
Joined 2nd Nov, 2012 ·
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*Grins* Sweet and gentle.
It is with grave importance that I must know...
...Was it sexy?
What is this? He didn't even catch Spider-Man.
Liked and favorited now, will read later.
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4945841
Depends on who your spider man is.
s2.dmcdn.net/Efr4N.jpg
This was really sweet, actually. But I think my favorite part was the human stumbling over cultural differences and reacting to Mac's comments.
i liked the narration style.
I really like this.
(I know, so constructive...)
Man, I dunno what they were drinkin', but it'd have to be some strong shit to make me blather all that out in a bar.
That said, this was sweet and amusing. I think even fics like Xenophilia tend to make cross-species, uh, 'first contact'
go a lot smoother than it probably would, so it's always nice to see someone take a stab at what it'd really be like. Kinda like he took a stab, amirite??? 
Anyway, huzzah for embarrassing fumbling and intimate exploration! 
I had that damn song playing in the background of my mind throughout the entire story...
This was awkward and cute. I liked it, though I can't say that I care much about the narration, though.
4945824
Of course it was.
4946710
Thanks! I had some fun with that (especially the 'chasing tail' bit).
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4947638
I was expecting a mixed response to the style. I wanted first-person, all dialogue, but not as formal as a letter or a diary entry. It's probably not a narrative technique I'll use much, but I do enjoy trying new writing techniques.
4946807
4946885
I probably wouldn't, either, but I have friends who do, and they don't even have to be drinking.
Totally agree. Even in real life, it doesn't always go smoothly at first.
It's a little hard to tell with the past tense, but he's still together with Minuette right?
4948441
Yeah. I didn't say in the story, but I was imagining this taking place the day after.
This was pretty darned good.
4949015
Thanks!
4949217
You're welcome.
I really like this style of first person narration as I love imagining the two "simultaneous" scenes of the narrator semi nervously sharing a story with a good friend and an eavesdropping bartender and the narrator sharing time with Minuette. (Which I can't describe further due to site restrictions/my own inability to talk about these kind of things without sounding stupid. I did like it though.)
The unwritten responses to the narrator feel definite enough that you have a very good idea of what was said with the exception of a few intentional jokes. (What was Mac's reaction to the narrator's number of encounters? Disgust? Suprise? "That's it?" What does a mare weigh in apples? What was the generous offer made by Berry Punch? Or was the offer made by Big Mac?)
I guess my only gripe (which could be completely valid or not) was the end broke up the whole bar setting and just reverted to a first person narration, although I guess it could be interpreted as everyone else getting quietly engrossed in the narrator's ending.
I like how the story turned out though, reminds me of my cousin from when he had his occasional moments.
I constantly have this feeling that I have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm usually better off silent, so feel free to disregard anything I've typed. Also I think I like parentheses and micro text a little too much.
4949415
Thanks! It was kind of an experiment.
The weight of a mare was a joke at my own expense; if you look on my user page, there is a blog entry titled "Science!" down at the bottom which details my attempts to determine how much a pony might really weigh. The answer is in the comments.
What I was going for was that at first the narrator was hesitant--he's bursting with a desire to tell someone his story, but at the same time he doesn't want to sound like he's bragging. So he frequently goes off on tangents, and uses a lot of euphamisms. As the story goes on, he's more drunk, less inhibited, and is detailing the whole scene. At that point the interruptions begin trailing off--in part because he's getting to the 'juicy bits' and in part because he's not stopping the story. After he gets done describing the first encounter, he's beginning to get sentimental, changing from specific details of the act to how it made him feel.
Whether or not I did that well is of course up to the reader, but that was my intent.
I had friends in college just like that . . . hell, even now I still do. Last weekend one of my buddies was describing just what happened when he hosted a party and drank too much of 'the blue drink.' I am both disappointed and thankful that I missed that party.
The end feels rather abrupt to me, not because of what's left open ended, but because that last sentence just doesn't feel like an ending sentence. It could just be me, though, so don't worry about it unless you get more comments on it. Other than that, it was very good.
I'd like to see a sequel/additional chapter with Minuette's point of view, especially if you think you can add anything new to the story.
4950044
For some reason the first thing I thought of when I read this was "Pepsi Windex," which is weird, because I've never been a big fan of soft drinks other than root beer, and I don't think I ever even saw any Pepsi Blue firsthand.
4952294 I miss Pepsi blue...
I found this rather amusing and sweet at the end- I like how you framed the adult content within a social/cultural/moral conflict. I may be imagining it, but I can see the narrator's conflict about getting involved with a talking horse as being a subtle reference to the (often unspoken) crush a lot of fans have for the characters and the attraction/repulsion of "They're really cute and nice/It's a four-legged animal/It's got big cute eyes and does cute stuff/It's a miniature horse." etc etc.
I can see how you were aiming to have the end be the narrator getting caught up in needing to tell, but on review, do you think that he might be staying a bit too clear for someone who's supposed to be increasingly inebriated? I'm not sure myself, but I certainly like the turn at the end- not a stereotypical climax (snrk), but a bit of a letdown that is taken in stride. THAT detail is what made me leave this comment- it's rare I leave a post on any story with content like this, but this yours breaks away from the standard formula in a multitude of ways, and was simply an enjoyable read.
I particularly like how you approach cultural differences in an oblique manner- the discussion about dangling brings up some important possible differences without coming right out and saying it, and I thought it was very clever. Highlighting differences like that without being explicit (snrk) is HARD... dammit, I'm not trying, I swear. Anyway, it's difficult to do smoothly, as you've done here.
I'm tired. I forgot what else I was going to write. I read this on a plane with my screen as dim as possible because I didn't want anyone else to see it, but it was so funny I couldn't put it down. How's that for an compliment?
4952294
It was a little longer in the first draft, but it just wasn't working for me. The unpublished ending just kind of broke the mood, I thought, and this read better.
I won't make any promises, but the idea's certainly not off the table.
As I'm sure you guessed by context, the 'blue drink' was a fishbowl full of alcohol and who knows what else. I do remember the blue Pepsi; I liked the clear Pepsi better. They ought to bring that back.
4956499
I miss clear Pepsi and Josta.
4956954
I find it hard to believe that an average person could find themselves in Equestria, fall in love with a pony, and begin a physical relationship without there being significant physical and mental obstacles. That's a topic which is so rarely explored.
I personally don't tend to experience a significant drop in the ability to speak clearly with consumption of alcohol, although it lowers my inhibitions and internal filters, and I'm a lot more likely to say something I wouldn't otherwise. I also tend to loose the thread of a conversation and go off on wild tangents, but had I reflected that in the story, it would have been practically unreadable.
Thanks!
In this story, I wanted to bring up a lot of questions without having to provide an answer--let the reader make guesses, or mull it over for him or herself.
I hope you weren't the pilot in command . . .
4958169
Haha, no! Not this time, I was deadheading.
Altho... I've done a lot of reading in cruise flight. What do you think we do when the plane's flying itself? Sleeping is kinda frowned upon, so you don't fly past your destination.
4959401
Pity I can't do that when I'm driving to work. Van's got cruise, but it won't steer for me.
4959973 I honestly try not to too much- you get lazy about the basics and everything gets harder. I make myself do at least a bit of handflying in cruise every day.
And of course all the terminal environment is by hand- our A/P isn't that sophisticated (S-TEC 30, does heading, tracking, altitude hold and bank angle, but no vertical rate or attitudes).
Autothrottles? What're those?
[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AZU5hRPjJgo]
4948441
Related: I just published a sequel, although it's not tagged as such, continuing his relationship with Minuette. It should shortly be out of the approval queue.
I dunno. Guy started out as if he had a problem he wanted to discuss with another guy.
Then - there's no problem.
Revisiting old feel-good fics. Need feel-good sources currently. Lots of them.
*sigh*
This still delivers. Sweet, funny, sexy and wholesome. An evergreen.