Chapter 3: The Mind of a Mare
When Big Macintosh came to, he was lying in a bed of moldy hay covered in a thick wool blanket. The view through the tiny window said he was in his own hayloft; he was fettered.
"Alright, who done this?" he asked.
"So you do prefer girls with wings," a voice like garlic scraped across a rusty cheese grater said from somewhere to his right.
A sky-blue pegasus mare with a wind-swept white mane trotted into view. "I've been watching you, Big Macintosh," she said. "Ever since the festival where we first met." Her fuschia eyes glistened in the soft light; she batted her eyelashes at him with a sultry smirk. "You're definitely the stallion for me."
"Eeenope," Big Mac replied with a frown.
"Do you know who I am?" the mare asked. "I'm Fleetfoot. I'm one of the elite Wonderbolts. I'm known all across Equestria!"
"So?" Big Mac grunted.
"So I'm a prime mare!" Fleetfoot rasped, flaring her wings. "I can give you so much! We could have an awesome life!"
"Lady, yer nuts," Big Mac rumbled. With a little effort, he shattered the fetters binding his legs and pushed himself to his hooves. "An' whut's th' big idea, hidin' me out in mah own barn?"
"Well..." Fleetfoot said, visibly alarmed at how easily he'd freed himself. "You're...really heavy," she said. "And...I didn't..." She faltered. "Ponyville's not my town, okay?"
"You should go now," Big Macintosh said sternly.
"Big Macintosh?" a soft voice called from outside. "Are you here? Apple Bloom said you never made it home last night..."
Fleetfoot growled. "Her," she spat.
"Ah'm up here, Fluttershy," Big Mac called out.
"Oh, what a relief!" Fluttershy called from outside. She fluttered into view, peering through the window. "I was so worried, and—oh, um...hello..." She withdrew hesitantly, ears wilting. A small frown appeared on her face. "I...didn't know you had...a guest..."
"She ain't no guest," Big Mac said.
"He's right, I'm not a guest," Fleetfoot said, smirking confidently. "I'm his future bride."
"Oh," Fluttershy whispered. "Oh. Um...congrat—"
"SHE KNOCKED ME OUT AN' FETTERED ME!" Big Macintosh thundered.
Fluttershy's eyes narrowed. "She...did...WHAT?"
Fleetfoot rolled her eyes. "Puh-LEEZE, Fluttershy. I've seen you fly, if you can even call it that. You really think a weak, wimpy mare like you deserves a strapping hunk of stallion like him?"
"Get out of that barn before I drag you out," Fluttershy whispered.
Fleetfoot laughed. "Reality check! I'm a Wonderbolt. You couldn't—"
The side of the barn exploded, splinters and slivers flying every which way. Fluttershy plowed into Fleetfoot, grabbed her around the barrel, and tackled her through the opposite wall.
Big Macintosh sat wide-eyed in the hay, staring at the huge hole in the wall. He blinked several times.
Outside, the sounds of violence disturbed the tranquility of Sweet Apple Acres.
After several harrowing minutes, Fluttershy returned to the loft. Her mane was in disarray, her coat was mussed and matted with blood, and she had a shiner blossoming around her left eye. Several feathers in her wings were bent and rumpled. She smiled at Big Macintosh. "So, um...take you to breakfast?" She asked brightly. "Maybe...after I...pass out?" With that, she wobbled on her hooves and collapsed to the hay.
"Fluttershy!" Big Mac cried, rushing over and squatting beside her. "Why'd you hafta go an'...an'—"
Fluttershy's eyes fluttered weakly, and she smiled up at Big Mac. "I...guess she just rubbed me the wrong way," she said with a gentle, musical laugh.
From out in the orchard, they heard Rainbow Dash cry, "Fleetfoot?! What the hay happened to you?!"
Big Macintosh trotted over to the hole and looked out. Down below, Fleetfoot lay on the ground, completely trampled, her wings bent at odd angles. He looked back at Fluttershy, eyes shrunk to pinpricks and ears flat.
Fluttershy giggled sheepishly. "Did I mention I wrestle bears?" she said weakly. She then passed out.
* * * * *
Flash Sentry stared at the youngest alicorn princess in Equestria in complete and utter shock. "You wanna WHAT?!"
He had to have heard wrong. There was simply no possible way Princess Twilight Sparkle had just asked—
"I want to measure your penis," Twilight said.
Oh Celestia's hairy hiney, she DID.
"I'm compiling a list of your desirable qualities as a boyfriend," Twilight said. "I thought it would be more efficient to get the tangibles out of the way quickly, then move on to the more esoteric traits." She smiled brightly, a tape measure, a notebook, and a quill floating around her. "So I want to measure your penis. I mean, that's a pretty important factor in a relationship, right?"
"I...guess?" Flash ventured, taking a nervous step away. *Is she insane?!* "Umm...I don't know if I'm really...comfortable...with that idea..."
"Oh, don't be silly!" Twilight said. "It's just a measurement."
"That's..." Flash swallowed. "That's not really the point. I mean, that's...an awfully...personal..."
Twilight cocked her head. "But isn't a relationship all about getting personal?"
"There's personal, and then there's personal," Flash said. "And...I don't know much about dating, but I'm pretty sure measuring...things...isn't normal."
Twilight laughed. "That's just silly talk," she said. "See? I have a checklist right here! I've carefully considered all the possible traits a mare such as myself would look for in a potential love interest. A very important consideration is physical compatibility."
Flash cowered. "Maybe...like...third date?"
Twilight rolled her eyes and flipped a page on her clipboard. "Negative traits: big baby," she said aloud as she wrote.
"Hey!"
"Let's move on to the interview," Twilight said...
* * * * *
Spike entered Carousel Boutique in search of Rarity. He called out for her, and heard her reply from her workroom.
He trotted in. "Hey Rarity. It's almost time for that movie."
Rarity looked up from her sewing machine, adjusting her sewing glasses. She smiled apologetically. "Oh, Spikey-boo...I'm ever so sorry, but a very sudden order came in, and I won't be able to go to the movies with you."
"Oh. Okay." Spike shrugged.
"Actually, though..." Rarity said. "I could really use a favor."
"Sure, what's up?" Spike asked.
"Would you mind taking Sweetie Belle to that movie instead? I know she's been wanting to see it, and her little friends are otherwise occupied today..."
"Yeah, okay," Spike agreed. "I don't mind."
"Oh, Spike, you are an absolute gem!" Rarity said sunnily. "Sweetie Belle?" she called out.
Sweetie Belle trotted into the room. "Yes, Rarity?"
"I want you to go with Spike to the movies. We were going to go see that new musical, you know, the one you want to see so badly? Only I've become quite busy suddenly."
Sweetie Belle turned to Spike, tilting her head. "Well, I do want to see that movie pretty badly...are you sure you want to?"
"Sure," Spike said. "It'll be my treat."
"Okay!" Sweetie Belle agreed.
Rarity smiled. "You two run along now, don't want to miss the show..."
As Spike and Sweetie Belle left, Rarity grinned. "Rarity, you are an absolute genius..."
* * * * *
Applejack was staring in horror at the damage to the hayloft when she heard soft wingbeats behind her. "Hey Applejack," Thunderlane said. "Just thought I'd drop...by...what happened here?"
Applejack shook her head. "It's been one crazy day," she said. "From what Ah've been able t' piece together, Fluttershy got in a catfight with one'a them Wonderbolts over mah brother. She's pretty banged up, Big Mac's inside lookin' after 'er, they scraped Fleetfoot off th' ground an' took 'er to th' hospital a little while ago, an' now Ah gotta deal with this mess."
Thunderlane scratched his head. "Need a hoof?"
Applejack grinned. "Sure."
* * * * *
Rainbow Dash was pacing nervously in the waiting room at Ponyville General when Soarin and Spitfire arrived. "We came as fast as we could," Spitfire said. "What happened?"
"Fleetfoot got creamed in a fight," Rainbow said glumly. "The doctors said she'll be out of commission for at least a month."
"Fleetfoot got in a fight?" Soarin asked, eyes wide. "Who with?"
"Fluttershy," Rainbow said.
Spitfire blinked. "Fluttershy?! As in your timid friend Fluttershy?"
"I still don't know exactly what happened," Rainbow said. "All I know is Fleetfoot did something to tick Fluttershy off, and she just...took her apart."
"Fluttershy. The most gentle pegasus in Equestria. Took a Wonderbolt apart."
"Fluttershy can be pretty scary when she's mad," Rainbow said.
Soarin shook his head. "What the heck could Fleetfoot possibly have done to—"
"I dunno, but she messed with the wrong pony," Rainbow said. "Both her wings are broken and she's got a split hoof. And a busted lip. And I think Fluttershy broke her tail, too."
"Yikes," Soarin said.
Spitfire winced. "What about...what about Fluttershy?" she asked.
"Yeah, I checked up on her before I left Sweet Apple Acres," Rainbow said. "She passed out, but she's mostly just got a black eye and a few bent feathers. Applejack and Big Macintosh are looking after her." She scratched her head. "Fleetfoot doesn't have any friends in Ponyville except me, so I decided to stick close until you got here."
"I just don't get it," Soarin said. "Why would those two get in a fight?"
"I dunno, but Fleetfoot must've really done somethin' messed up," Rainbow said. "I've...I've never seen a pony get pasted like this before."
A nurse came out. "Fleetfoot's resting comfortably," she said. "We've given her some painkillers. Whatever mauled her must be a real monster."
"Uhh..." Rainbow said.
"I'll go sit with her," Spitfire said. She looked from Soarin to Rainbow. "You two should get out of here. Maybe catch a movie." She smirked. "You are dating, right?"
"Are you crazy?" Rainbow demanded. "One of my best friends just went nuts and beat one of my idols into a pulp! I can't just—"
"There's no point in all of us sitting here with Fleetfoot," Spitfire said. "Not if she's doped up on meds."
"Yeah, but even so, Fluttershy..."
"Is in good hooves, right?" Spitfire asked. "You said it yourself, two of your other friends are looking after her." She smiled. "I know you're worried about both of them, but there isn't really anything you can do right now. Why don't you get out of here and go have some fun together?"
Soarin looked at Rainbow, frowning. "I...won't twist your hoof, but...I don't really like hospitals."
Rainbow frowned. "Me neither," she said. "And...much as I wanna know what the hay happened...if I go back to Sweet Apple Acres, AJ'll probably make me help her fix those big holes in the barn. Which is not awesome." She sighed. "I guess goin' out to a movie is better than sittin' around worryin'."
Spitfire smiled. "That's the spirit! You two have a good time now."
By the time they arrived at Ponyville's movie theater, Rainbow Dash's mood had improved somewhat. They'd chatted on the way, and the promise of a good action flick had Rainbow buzzing with excitement.
Rainbow flitted back and forth between the posters hanging outside. "This one looks awesome...oh, but this one looks more awesome!" She turned to Soarin. "Which one should we choose?"
Soarin shrugged. "They both look cool to me. You decide."
Rainbow thought. "Well...this one sounds cool and all, but...this one has Samule L. Jackass in it..."
"Samule L. Jackass is one of my favorite actors!" Soarin said brightly.
"Mine too!" Rainbow agreed, fluttering her wings. "So, we're watching this one?"
"Yep."
Having decided on their movie, the two pegasi got in line for the ticket stand. "Man, I hate waiting in line," Rainbow grumbled. "Waiting in line for stuff reminds me of cider season and how I never get to the head of the line in time."
Soarin chuckled. "You just need to learn a little patience," he said. "I take a laid-back attitude toward things like that."
"I'm laid-back!" Rainbow said. "I'm super laid-back! I just hate lines."
As they waited, Rainbow hovered up above the line to do a little pony-watching. "Hey, I see Spike up there," she said. She frowned. "Huh. He's not with Rarity. He's with...Sweetie Belle?!" She dropped down. "Hey Soarin, hold my place, okay?"
Without waiting for a reply, Rainbow zipped up the side of the line. "Hey Spike."
"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash! Are you here to watch a movie too?"
"Yeah, I'm on a date with Soarin," Rainbow said. "Are you here on a date with Sweetie Belle?"
Spike spluttered, looking back at Sweetie, who turned red. "We're...I just...Rarity asked me to take Sweetie Belle to a movie because she was busy with work, that's all!"
"Oh, okay." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Well, have fun, you two." She flew back to her place in line, gears turning in her head.
*Don't tell me...Rarity's trying to sabotage the game? That little...!*
* * * * *
Two sets of hooves thundered down a wide, paved trail as Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich beat a hasty exit from Hoofston.
"You think...we...lost them?" Pinkie asked.
Cheese risked a glance over his shoulder. His eyes bugged out. "Oh crap, they're catching up to us!"
"This is so stupid!" Pinkie declared. "What the hay are they so mad at us for, anyway?"
"I think...it was...the red balloons..."
"Why wouldn't they like red balloons? I love red balloons! Red balloons are the ballooniest balloons!"
"But...the party...was for...a bunch of bulls..."
Two dozen bulls chased two panicky party ponies across the praries.
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Samule L. Jackass
Honestly didn't see Fluttershy coming!
(Probably should have though. 
); Samuel L. Jackass? That's friggin hilarious; Of course AJ got stuck with the work; How is taking Sweetie on a date gonna help Rarity at all?; Red balloons? 
Seriously?; And last, but certainly not least: Here's my reaction to Twilight: resguru.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/implied-facepalm.png
All rightie, let's look at the progress of this matchup!
Fluttershy starts off with a mean, protective streak that takes out Fleetfoot and a wall of barn! Bonus points for mentioning the bear, but she takes a small penalty for passing out. She will move on to the next round with spending more time with her potential beau!
Twilight goes full analytical crazy mode, taking several personal penalty points. She is likely not passing to the next round unless the Royal Perogative Clause is invoked! (Where he's basically... ordered to go.
This will likely increase the explosive backlash of embarrassment to the lady equine.)
Applejack, slow and steady with inviting her potential beau to help in repairing the barn, is my clear favorite in this contest! But Rainbow Dash is pulling ahead with a movie date with Soarin'!
Rarity is attempting to bend the rules of the game with a distraction for her intended, using her own sister to try to get out it! We shall see if Rarity's play gets flagged.
Pinkie is once again a bit of a wild card. But it is still anyone's game folks!
I've read a lot of 'swears' using Celestia's name but by her hairy hiney? That is a new one.
Well, this continues to be a hoot. The best part by far is the characterization. Everything is proceeding from reasonable reads on everyone involved, and it's hilarious. Definitely looking forward to more.
5218578 If she can get Sweetie and Spike to become involved, Spike will count as taken, and Rarity may not have to continue the game.
You, Princess Twilight Sparkle, have earned a facehoof. Have it.
Never suspected Fleetfoot, however. Someone in the Wonderbolts has to have the big head, I guess, since Spitfire and Soarin are pretty chill (at least in "The Best Night Ever").
Twilight, why do you have to be so analytical? Don't you know that that is the fastest way to send stallions running?
5218578
When it comes to Twilight, that picture is my thoughts exactly.
Why can't I thumb-up your comment twice‽ WHYYYY‽
Yes! An update! Fleetfoot, huh? My money was on Luna. But seriously Twi...What the actual fuck?
Called it
Also, appearantly there aren't many bronies that read the comics. That's sad
Flash Sentry is in shock.
Usually it's the stallion who 'experiments' on the mare but the other way around kind of ball-dropping.
Science!
Oh lord. You'd think Pinkie would know better than to couch this in the form of a game. Rainbow hates losing.
Way to take the Romans out of a relashenship Twilight. Also DAAAAMN Fluttershy. I know Fleetfoot had that coming but damn. I think I in love
Good
The pun on the celeb name was well worth the wait.
Fluttershy going psycho on Fleetfoot is a new one and it looks like Rarity doesn't wanna play the game anymore.
Have to agree that Applejack's and Rainbow's dates are starting strong.
Golden opportunity wasted, Flash.
"A very important consideration is physical compatibility."
"I guess you're right. So, I should probably test your vaginal depth while we're at it, huh? If only there were some way to conduct both our tests at once..."
If nothing else, she might understand how off-putting she was being.
I can't decide if Twilight is actually that out-of-touch with proper behavior, or if she's purposefully trying to sabotage her date with Flash. But if I had to choose, my money would be on the latter.
5219919 That is a perfect idea. have to say that whenever a girl asks if she can do that to me
In other news loved the chapter worth the wait liked the pinkie scene, I kind of wanted to see the cat fight or hear the name of the musical that spike and sweetie are going to. I also want to see whats going on in sweeties head as she goes to the movie with spike if you dont mind writing that I feel theres more then meets the eye with whats going on there
5218732 ...That sneaky wench!
5218756 Sometimes I get lucky.
Rarity you idiot
And I take offence to the movie title BC my name is Samuel
Oh when Pinkie hear's about what Rarity's trying to pull, there's going to be consequences...
Twilight had to have done that on purpose...
Dang Flutters, you whooped flank!
Rarity... why u gotta be so rude?
AJ, good.
Rainbow, good.
Pinkie... Well, she seems pretty happy.
5219919 She's just being Twilight.
5219487 Rarity's still playing, she's just found a loophole to deliberately lose the first round...
5220753 (a) It was an actor's name, not the movie title; (b) It's a pun on "Samuel L. Jackson".
5220817 Yeah. She'll make Rarity play round two.
5221104 Ooooooooooooooooooh then I love the pon
Fluttershy . . . . . ?I didn't know . . . . . . . .
Really, Twilight!? Really!?
Rarity, you're gonna have to start over the next month if you don't get Spike to be your boyfriend! I think she's gonna force him to do it by the end of the month
Rainbow and Soarin, I have faith in both of you.
AJ and Thunderlane, you too
Pinkie Pie? Bulls? Cheese? Red?
I am posting this a bit late because I had trouble with the neighboors next door, having laughed so loud due Twilight's, huh, cartesian approach. After some explaining, I had to send then the link, and, since I can't sleep due THEIR laughs, I can write this.
Boy, last chapter was great, but this was ... epic. Fleetfoot and Fluttershy, my....
And Twilight... boy, this is so in-character and hilarious. Well done. i do hope that, if there's a second round, she gets Discord:
"It's any size you want, my dear Twilight."
"No. I mean, for real, without magic"
"It's any size I want."
Keep going, this is comedy gold!
5223606 Glad you enjoyed it.
Scary Fluttershy and Hilarious Twilight? Best chapter yet. Also, i'm so glad someone discovered Rarity's scheme. That little vixen.
Most Excellent.
Man, fuck Twilight. Who even does that?
I wouldn't be surprised if by the next chapter Flash is just so weirded and creeped out he just calls it off with Twilight, (or more likely tries to hide from her because he likely fears saying no to a Princess is a career ending move.), if your girlfriend brings out a notorized clipboard and begins interviewing you for your positive and negative traits, its time to bail the fuck out.
Also hot damn, Fluttershy.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/12/26/507064/thumb.png
An amusing story so far. I can't really blame Rarity for her attempt to weasel out of it, though; Spike as far as I know is still underage, so Rarity entering a relationship with him feels awfully like pedophilia. It's why so many stories that put them together wait until they're older to do it.
Also, obligatory mention that bulls don't go after a matador because the cape they brandish is red (bulls are colorblind); they go after it because of the way the matador moves it. So bulls going after Pinkie and Cheese because the balloons were red doesn't really work. Yeah, I know, I overanalyze jokes. Though I will say that the degree to which the two in tune is rather amusing.
Twilight and Fluttershy's parts in this chapter were the funniest, though.
Ugh, sorry MythrilMoth, I can't , I just can't... I'm sorry, I tried, I really did....
5230767
Twilight "checklist" Sparkle does that. I can absolutely see the obsessive-compulsive, checklist obsessed, socially-impaired Twilight Sparkle wanting a full record of all a potential suitor's physical traits. That being said I absolutely won't blame Flash if he decides it's time to GTFO.
I can't stop laughing! Not at any of the other ponies fortune or misfortunes, but at Fluttershy and Fleetfoot! HILARIOUS!
Quick Summary Twilight and Flash in this chapter:
rainbowdash.net/file/sweetiederelle-20130222T224158-2b5qagn.png
5775487 when epic stupidity requires an epic response
5261496
Well aren't you a Mr Good Guy
You scheming, devious, underhnded, beautiful, magnifecent mare!!
Rarity, I adore the way you think. It's about time Spike had his affections transferred to someone more...suitable. And who better than lovely, kind, smart Sweetie Belle?
.........
New Fic Idea: Twilights (of both the Science and Princess variety) actively engaging in the measuring of dude's packages to determine source of varying lengths among the two combined species.
Indeed you are, Rarebear! Because in NO CONCEIVABLE WAY could this backfire in a beautiful display of carnage and destruction of private property!
Again, NO CONCEIVABLE WAY this could horrendously and beautifully backfire!
Well, at least one of them is having fun.
Hopefully Fluttershy realizes she may be in trouble, I bet the penalty for assaulting and crippling a wonderbolt is prison.