At the base of what was once canterlot mountain a small encampment of heavily armoured pegasie is just waking to the dawn of their first day in a new squad. Their radios tuned to recieve orders while they gather their suplies, they will be shortly heading out to eradicate a bandit encampment 2 clicks from their current location.
"We are moving out in 5! These bandits are theorised to be working a trade with the Brotherhood! These trades need to be stoped, permanently. Leave none alive!" A stallion in hellfire commanded through the radio, pronouncing brotherhood with obvious hatred.
Shortly after this there is nothing to show there was ever a camp there, the group of 5 Enclave elites marched towards a ruined building. It is a factory building, five floors and filled with bandits.
The small squad of Enclave elites, led by their commander in hellfire armour, stopped at a nearby ledge and observed the situation.
"Possible Brotherhood intervention, sir!" One of the elites says while looking through a pair of binoculars.
"From what direction?" The commander asks
"South, only scouts by the looks of it. 1 click from the objective, Skyfire sir." The elite replies.
"Probably about to make a trade. We intercept the Brotherhood caravan, then move on to the bandit scum." Skyfire orders.
The group take to the air and fly towards their unsuspecting foes. By the time the Brotherhood caravan notice the Enclave soldiers they are allready under attack. They pull out 10mm pistols and machine guns, to face power armoured Enclave elites with plasma rifles. Within a minute the Brotherhood caravan is dead and searched for any usefull infomation and ammunition before being left as they were.
The Enclave elites make their way to the front of the factory doors and Skyfire holds up his hoof to signal the squad to halt. "These filth may nave been taught how to wear power armour, be ready for anything!" Skyfire says and places his plasma rifle onto his back and quickly replaces it with a customised gauss rifle. Even though he hasnt adapted it majorly, its easy to tell it apart from the rest of the gauss rifles. His gauss rifle is a dark blue colour and the magazine has a black slodge with a cresent moon in the middle. On the side of the barrel is a picture of his cutie mark, sparking gears with two crossed gauss rifles behind them.
"You love those, dont you, sir?" One of the elites asks Skyfire as he equips himself with a basic gatling laser.
"At least im accurate with mine." Skyfire responds with a slight chuckle.
"Well lets see who will get the first kill then, sir." He says to Skyfire wjth obvious mirth in his voice.
"Challenge accepted, but I will win and you know it!" Skyfire retorts.
They burst through the doors and are met with two Brotherhood Paladins with miniguns aiming at them. Bullets tear tnrought the ground as the take cover besind the door.
"Looks like I get first kill, maggot!" Skyfire laughs as he turns the cornerand takes the first paladin down with a lucky shot. The head of the paladin rolling through the door leaving a blood trail on the ground.
"Nooo! You bastard! You wont live for taking breeze from me!" The last Paladin shouts as he proceeds to run through the door and get turned to green sludge from the three elites with plasma rifles.
The squad of Enclave elites then start clearing ojt the whole building, luckily al, the bandits in there were at the bottom of the building and are left in peices or as piles of green sludge.
As they reached the top however, three more Paladins fired of rocket launchers and killed one member of the squad. The rest pile in and behind cover. Voleys of fire are the sent back and forth until one paladin goes down screaming in pain as he stares at his sethered foreleg. Two high explosive rockets then kill three of the elites who were hiding behing a overturned table, all of which were allready badly injured as it was.
Yelling, Skyfire poped out of cover and blew the head of one of the last paladins shoulders. "If you leave now you can die with dignity! If not then your men will not even be buried!" The Paladin yells and fires a rocket at Skyfire. Seeing this comming, he leaps to the side and finnishes the last Paladin by making a hole through her neck with a well places gauss round.
"Are they gone?" A small voice whispers a group of seven earth pony foals crawl out a vent and look around for anypony that survived.
One of them, a larger red one with a pink mane, look round the overturned table that Skyfire is currently hidding behind and squeaks. As he starts to run back to the vent he feals the barrel of a gun against his head. Turning around slowely, he comes face to face with the gauss rifle. Pannicking he bowls over and cries, through his cries Skyfire hears the young colt begging for his and his siblings life.
The gauss wavers then leaves the foals head. "I, I cant kill a harmless foal... only a monster would do that. I, I'm sorry, I wont harm you or your siblings again if I can help it. I promise!" Skyfire says and quickly gathers the dogtags of his squad and leaves. His fairst squad, on their first mission together and allready they died on him.
"What do you mean you let them live! You do understand what you have just done, DONT YOU SOLDIER! YOU DISSOBEYED DIRECT ORDERS FROM-"
"I FAILED TO DO WHAT ONLY A BANDIT WOULD DO! I SPARED THE FOALS! WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE GENERAL!? KILLED THEM LIKE SOME SORT OF HEARTLESS MONSTER OR SPARE THEM AND PROVE THAT WE ARE NOT THEMONSTERS THE WORLD THINKS WE ARE! PROVE THAT WE WILL NOT STOOP AS LOW AS THE BANDITS OR THE MUTANTS!" Skyfire cut off his General and glares at him as the general is left speachless.
"This is not over, Commander." The general growls and stalks out the office, his office.
The next day, while Skyfire is on patrol around the cloudlayer, a group of Enclave soldiers headed by his General march up to him.
"Commander Skyfire. You are under arest for failing to complete your mission and have been marked a traitor. You have 3 hours until your execution. Have a nice 3 hours Commander, they will be your last." The General says with a smirk.
"I will, thank you General. At least I will die knowing that I died loyal to the pony race as a whole be sparing those foals that you would of had me kill like the heartless monstrocity you are." Skyfire reponds with a snear.
Skyfire flies as fast as his wings will carry him to his room, there he picks up his gauss rifle and as much ammo as he can carry. Along with 45 stimpcks he takes a few freshly picked fruit from the ground bellow the cloud layer. Having done that, he proceeds to dig at the clouds bellow his floor.
The door to Skyfire room is knocked down by a group of Enclave elites, who find his room completely empty and the tracker in his armor in a bookshelf.
"General, hes gone. The tracker in his armor has been removed and is on his shelf. It apears he has dug a hole in the cloud layer and taken all of his equipment with him. Sorry sir we lost him." A hellfire armor waering pagasus says through the radio.
"Luna curse you and you incompitance! How did you let him escape!?" The General yelled.
"Sir, he wasnt here when we arrived." The commander points out.
Skyfire landed just outside a cave that he is sure is out of sight of the Enclave fortress in the cloud layer. He walks inside and heads to the very back of the cave, where a giant rusty steal cog blocks his path. The cog hasthe number 15 in yellow in the front and a yellow pannel next to it. This is the enterence to vault 15...
Fuck. Another one? *BANG*
Hahah!
4924745 As with your other story, I suggest you get an editor.
First and foremost, let me welcome you to the FoE community if nobody else has yet.
Secondly, let me say right now, you need someone to help, and you need to capitalize the story title.
Anyway though, if you want assistance, the FoE group has an entire thread dedicated to finding pre-readers and editors.
I wish you luck with your story.
4924893 thanks.
4924902
No need to thank me, just doing my part for the FoE community.
While I'm usually noone who rubs things like spelling errors in, it really is kinda... well, disgusting is much too strong. It just scares away readers when you don't pay much attention to the thing they see first: your description.
And now for the actual story:
- While I might disagree with 4924734 when it comes to the existence of FoE fics, I'll have to agree with him/her when he/she says you need an editor. You need one. I mean it.
- The first thing people see after opening your "chapter 1" before they even start reading is the rough structure of your text. And this wall of text they're facing right now might set many of them off. I don't know if there's a formatting guideline on FIMfiction itself, but if not I'll have to do this by hand:
- make a space line every time a paragraph ends.
- make a space line every time the speaker changes in dialogue.
- (optional): indent every new paragraph. You already did that, but do TAB instead of pressing SPACE one time. It just looks better.
- capitalization seems to be a problem too. Names (such as Skyfire or Enclave) are always capitalized. "I" is also capitalized and "I am" in short it's "I'm", not "Im". But that's stuff an editor is for.
- You shouldn't write numbers as arabic numbers. Always write them down as words. It's not 200 years, it's two hundred years. There're not 5 bandits, there're five bandits. Except if the number is connected to a name, such as AK-74 or something like that. An editor might figure that out too.
- there are also many careless spelling mistakes. Such as "fairst" or "ojt". You can use your browser's spellchecker highly effectively to eliminate those errors.
Now for the real actual story aka the plot and stuff:
- there's a lot of telling in this chapter. And while this isn't bad when nothing of importance happens, the matter of your chapter is of high emotional importance to Skyfire. From what I've read about him in this first chapter, I don't know anything about him as a person/pony. Just that he's an enclave pegasus and that his superiors are evil as in "running kittens over with a stolen steamroller"-evil
You should give us a bit more information about your main character. Keep that in mind.
- If you ever scrolled through the forums of the FoE groups, I'm that one author who likes the enclave pegasi more than any other fraction in FoE. And with that it always hurts me to see the Enclave being portrayed as evil for the sake of being evil. There's no reason for their a**holeish behavior and that's always a bit hard to come by. Although not many people seem to see things this way. The Enclave is always the evil fraction.
There has to be some work put into this story, then it can become something good. Please note that I didn't give this story a dislike, I never do, but in this state I can't given it a like either.
Just keep writing.
4924974 I like the Enclave aswell and in my opinion, the Enclave probably would have been better if they hag better leadership. If it wasnt for their leaders plan of, if it has been irradiated in any way wipe it out, and instead went diplomatic and peacefully negotiated then they probably would have suport from more people.
4924985
ok. Thank both of you for the advice. I shall work on it.
If you want I can be your temporary editor/proofreader. I'm writing two stories of my own, so if you want references just PM me and I'll give you access to these (since they are not published you need a password).
4936048
Thanks for the offer, but I think that seeing the finnished product at the same time as everyone else is fairer.
You can be the temporary editor if you want.
4936068 Prereading has nothing to do with "I get to read it first, lol!" but with giving critique with the text-flow, possible plotholes or inconsistencies.
I'd recommend using Google Docs to send me the chapter. If that's okay with you, then I'll send you my email so we can share it :P
4936200 ok. But I cant right now so I shall see what I can do later.
4936217 No hurry :)
I would like to see where this goes, but like most other people are saying an editor would make it a bit better. Besides that though it seems interesting.
5033130 I will bring out the next chapter as soon as I can.
Sorry about the wait.
I must admit, I like it so far. Especially the name of your main character, Skyfire is a personal fav of mine. Looking forward to the next chapter!
But I will admit that you need to work on the spelling, and spacing to make reading it easier.
Keep up the good work!
5240125 thank you!
I will be writing the next chapter tommorow. Hopefully the spelling will be imroved in that chapter.
Was this your first story?
5287827
...
No. My first storh was a failure so I deleted it. 2nd story is war machine, 3rd is Ruin, 4th is wizzard in equestria, this is my 5th. Only one of these stories is complete.
5289550 Do you plan on updating this anytime soon? Because I liked it.
5289628 I will update this soon, if you can answer a question for me.
in foe do deathclaws stay as the lizard like abominations we all know and love or are they altered? Like are in ponified forms or something.
5290104 No, they are not like the ones in Fallout 3 or New Vegas. They are called Hellhounds, and yes, they are altered. They look like this.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120219130939/falloutequestria/images/thumb/c/cb/Fallout_equestria_by_felixattchar-d4m7ljs.png/1000px-Fallout_equestria_by_felixattchar-d4m7ljs.png
5290484
Thats sad.
I wanted deathclaws not bipedal puppies.
5292757 I know, no clue what the puppies are about there.
5293559 they will be cute and play fetch until you die.
The horror!
5293810
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