'Oh, it's you. it's been a looooooong time. you know, since you Murdered me' oh look, cake...
Skyfire is declaired a triator by the enclave for refusing to kill a group of foals hidding in a ruin which he had been sent to clear with his squad. Only he had returned and thus lead to him being classed as a traitor. After escaping his death by his comrades he hides inside a cave that is half collapsed. Still in his hellfire armour, he stays there for a couple of days. However this caves secret shall shortly be revealed to him.
but where will this lead him?
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Fuck. Another one? *BANG*
Hahah!
4924745 As with your other story, I suggest you get an editor.
First and foremost, let me welcome you to the FoE community if nobody else has yet.
Secondly, let me say right now, you need someone to help, and you need to capitalize the story title.
Anyway though, if you want assistance, the FoE group has an entire thread dedicated to finding pre-readers and editors.
I wish you luck with your story.
4924893
thanks.
4924902
No need to thank me, just doing my part for the FoE community.
While I'm usually noone who rubs things like spelling errors in, it really is kinda... well, disgusting is much too strong. It just scares away readers when you don't pay much attention to the thing they see first: your description.
And now for the actual story:
- While I might disagree with 4924734 when it comes to the existence of FoE fics, I'll have to agree with him/her when he/she says you need an editor. You need one. I mean it.
- The first thing people see after opening your "chapter 1" before they even start reading is the rough structure of your text. And this wall of text they're facing right now might set many of them off. I don't know if there's a formatting guideline on FIMfiction itself, but if not I'll have to do this by hand:
- make a space line every time a paragraph ends.
- make a space line every time the speaker changes in dialogue.
- (optional): indent every new paragraph. You already did that, but do TAB instead of pressing SPACE one time. It just looks better.
- capitalization seems to be a problem too. Names (such as Skyfire or Enclave) are always capitalized. "I" is also capitalized and "I am" in short it's "I'm", not "Im". But that's stuff an editor is for.
- You shouldn't write numbers as arabic numbers. Always write them down as words. It's not 200 years, it's two hundred years. There're not 5 bandits, there're five bandits. Except if the number is connected to a name, such as AK-74 or something like that. An editor might figure that out too.
- there are also many careless spelling mistakes. Such as "fairst" or "ojt". You can use your browser's spellchecker highly effectively to eliminate those errors.
Now for the real actual story aka the plot and stuff:
- there's a lot of telling in this chapter. And while this isn't bad when nothing of importance happens, the matter of your chapter is of high emotional importance to Skyfire. From what I've read about him in this first chapter, I don't know anything about him as a person/pony. Just that he's an enclave pegasus and that his superiors are evil as in "running kittens over with a stolen steamroller"-evil
You should give us a bit more information about your main character. Keep that in mind.
- If you ever scrolled through the forums of the FoE groups, I'm that one author who likes the enclave pegasi more than any other fraction in FoE. And with that it always hurts me to see the Enclave being portrayed as evil for the sake of being evil. There's no reason for their a**holeish behavior and that's always a bit hard to come by. Although not many people seem to see things this way. The Enclave is always the evil fraction.
There has to be some work put into this story, then it can become something good. Please note that I didn't give this story a dislike, I never do, but in this state I can't given it a like either.
Just keep writing.
4924974 I like the Enclave aswell and in my opinion, the Enclave probably would have been better if they hag better leadership. If it wasnt for their leaders plan of, if it has been irradiated in any way wipe it out, and instead went diplomatic and peacefully negotiated then they probably would have suport from more people.
4924985
ok. Thank both of you for the advice. I shall work on it.
If you want I can be your temporary editor/proofreader. I'm writing two stories of my own, so if you want references just PM me and I'll give you access to these (since they are not published you need a password).
4936048
Thanks for the offer, but I think that seeing the finnished product at the same time as everyone else is fairer.
You can be the temporary editor if you want.
4936068 Prereading has nothing to do with "I get to read it first, lol!" but with giving critique with the text-flow, possible plotholes or inconsistencies.
I'd recommend using Google Docs to send me the chapter. If that's okay with you, then I'll send you my email so we can share it :P
4936200 ok. But I cant right now so I shall see what I can do later.
4936217 No hurry :)
I would like to see where this goes, but like most other people are saying an editor would make it a bit better. Besides that though it seems interesting.
5033130 I will bring out the next chapter as soon as I can.
Sorry about the wait.
I must admit, I like it so far. Especially the name of your main character, Skyfire is a personal fav of mine. Looking forward to the next chapter!
But I will admit that you need to work on the spelling, and spacing to make reading it easier.
Keep up the good work!
5240125 thank you!
I will be writing the next chapter tommorow. Hopefully the spelling will be imroved in that chapter.
Was this your first story?
5287827
...
No. My first storh was a failure so I deleted it. 2nd story is war machine, 3rd is Ruin, 4th is wizzard in equestria, this is my 5th. Only one of these stories is complete.
5289550 Do you plan on updating this anytime soon? Because I liked it.
5289628 I will update this soon, if you can answer a question for me.
in foe do deathclaws stay as the lizard like abominations we all know and love or are they altered? Like are in ponified forms or something.
5290104 No, they are not like the ones in Fallout 3 or New Vegas. They are called Hellhounds, and yes, they are altered. They look like this.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120219130939/falloutequestria/images/thumb/c/cb/Fallout_equestria_by_felixattchar-d4m7ljs.png/1000px-Fallout_equestria_by_felixattchar-d4m7ljs.png
5290484
Thats sad.
I wanted deathclaws not bipedal puppies.
5292757 I know, no clue what the puppies are about there.
5293559 they will be cute and play fetch until you die.
The horror!
5293810
5293832
I'm going to just correct the description, title, chapter names, and the picture.
The picture is of Pride, one of Calamity's older brothers. Might try finding a better generic Enclave soldier.
Title should be capitalized and probably be formatted better:
Should also be noted that that title is a bit unwieldy, but that's minor.
The title of Chapter 2 should be capitalized.
Declaired: Spelled wrong, I suspect you meant Declared
Triator: Spelled wrong, probably meant Traitor
By: Should probably be Of
Enclave: Proper noun, needs to be Enclave
Hidding: Not a word, probably meant Hiding or Hidden, depending on the tense
Which: Sounds better if it doesn't exist.
Only he had returned and thus lead to him being classed as a traitor: this entire sentence is clumsy. I'd write it like this, Only he (had) returned from the mission, thus leading him to be classified as a traitor.
He hides: Should be Hid or Hiding. Also needs a comma before He.
Hellfire Armour: Hellfire armor didn't really exist within the original. Maybe the Wonderbolt's armor, but keep that in mind.
Stays: Should be stayed if it's in past tense.
Caves: The cave is possessing secrets, and thus this should be Cave's.
Shall: Should Will if it's in past tense.
But: But should be capitalized.
5298016 thank you for showing me these errors. I will fix them as soon as I can
5298125 No problemo.
I like it, but why so short??? Your driving me crazy! On a side note I am loving the amount of detail
5372666 sorry about the length, however, I hope to bring out a new chapter soon.
Its great to know that you like the detail part, but I dont think it is as detailed as I would like, so maybe I can improve that in the next chapter.
anything special you want to happen in the next chapter, or future chapters?
5374733 To be honest I was looking for a fic to read and the name Skyfire popped out to me, he is my favorite Transformer, so I started reading it. Ideas, I'm all out, I too am working on a FoE fic that failed originally rather badly so I find myself rewriting it and hopefully adding more to it. Detail is always a hard thing to get into because you don't want to drown the reader in specifics, you could go into it a bit more, like his surroundings, and what he walks over or around when he is being escorted and such. I'd like to see where you are going with this one in particular!!! Keep up the splendid work
5380159
Good luck with your foe fic!
5381241 Thanks, I'm going to need it, lol. Just keep up what you are doing and yours will be magnificent!
The story's likely dead seeing as how the last update was a year and a half ago, but I'll leave my thoughts anyway:
It's pretty decent, got a good story arc and motives, although the pace for the story was a bit too fast and their could be better grammar/spelling correction. Also it seemed like there's a few holes in the story itself so far. All in all, it could be better, but I've definetly seen worse. This does have quite a bit of potential
7355475 writers block is annoying. i'll write a new chapter when i get my imagination back
7356331 Can't wait :)
7356362 thanks for being patient