2 decades ago in the Ponyville Schoolhouse there was a colt who was endlessly bullied by everyone in his class because he not only had a blank flank but an incredibly feminine face. Eventually somepony stood up for him but by then it was too much. The taunting and teasing angered and depressed him so much he suddenly lost it. Nopony knows what happened then but when Celestia arrived the sky was pitch black over Ponyville even though it was the middle of the day, Schoolhouse was made of chocolate, the students all had carrots for legs and there was a huge crater where the colt was. Skip forward 15 years and you come to this.
This is my first fanfic and i know it's terrible but people told me to put it up so *sigh* i guess i will.
Enjoy... if you can
Edited by Flagstar101 go check them out :D
I like the idea of this. I haven't read all of the first chapter yet {gonna put if in read later} But I read the description and it sounded good. You made me hungry at chocolate, lol. This has some mistakes in the writing of it though. I hope that sentence didn't sound mean, because I'm not trying to be. If you would like, I could act as an editor for this story. It's up to you though.
One word can be said about this.
Punctuation.
Or, I suppose I should say the lack of punctuation.
I'm a big supporter of new users. The old and popular users are harder to befriend, since so many ponies are commenting.
So, Imma recommend you throw in some periods when necessary, some exclamations when ya need 'em, and some question marks in their places.
4919210 if you find any mistake tell me and i'll corect them :D
4920394 where abouts?
oh look 5 people here have some sense xD
4921917 I can't go through and tell you everyplace. I'd recommend you go to the "Looking for an Editor" group and start there.
4919210 what have you been editor for before??
4922296 thanks I'll keep it in mind :D
Here's a concept: capitalizing your story title.
4923467 i litterally just realised xD i'm such a noob
4922777 No. But I'm learning through others helping me edit, and I have learned a lot, so I could help with most of it, if not, all of it.
Chapter 0:
1.
You need a ! mark.
2.
This is on the second one. Put a , after SPIKE.
3.
Put a . between hopeless and he.
4.
Put a , between by and considering.
5.
Put a , after suddenly.
6.
Instead of putting opening, put open. (just my thought)
7.
If should be if.
8.
Put a , between him and but.
9.
I think it would flow better if you took out but and put a . there, thus starting a new sentence.
10.
Period at the end.
11.
Put a , after Rarity.
12.
Put that between helped and Rainbow.
13.
Put a , between earlier and causing.
14.
Put a , between while and but.
15.
Put a , between read and her.
16.
Put a , between read and trying.
17.
Put a , between Twilight and what.
18.
Put a , between Schoolhouse and there.
19.
Put a , between flank and but. Add had between but and an.
20.
Put a , between Ponyville and even.
21.
Put a , after castle and another after armour. Also armour should be Armour.
22.
Put a , between struggled and due.
23.
Put a . instead of a ,.
24.
Put for between except and wings and a , after wings.
25.
Put a , after on. Switch which with though and put it after re-use.
26.
This sentence is extremely confusing. I would suggest redoing it a tad, but that's just me.
Put a . after Spike.
27.
Should be: Mr. Super Pony.
28.
You need to backspace at by and press space. To simplify it is should be written as: (“1: he’s an alicorn with bat wings. 2: he’s a dark teal colour 3: he can summon darkness either by magical ability or by his darkness boom and)
29.
Put a , after eyes and is after which.
30.
Put a , between So and what.
31.
Put a space after ".
32.
Put a , between floor and his.
33.
of should be off.
34.
Press enter again so it would be:
of his head...
And yellow marks flashed in his eyes.
These are all the mistakes that I found. I'll do the next chapter tomorrow or Monday. I hope I don't sound mean with all of these, but it's what I found.
You also forgot to indent both chapters.
4928535 bloody tartarus i'm terrible at grammar xD
4928528 ok done i also re-wrote that bit you told me about so fingers crossed it's a little better. This is me so it's hardly gonna be a masterpiece. When you've done chapter 1 i'll probably upload chapter 2 or do you wnat me to send it to you first to go through before it's published?
4931481 what ever works for you. I sadly can't edit until later, for my internet is down. (I'm using my phone). But I read chapter one and its really good story line wise.
4932467 ok as soon as you can id love if you can do the mistakes for chap 1 :D but I understand if you can't
4932551 Oky doky. I just have to do some emails and then I'll get to work
4932785 yay thanks oh quick question do you have any artist friends??
4932830 No that I know of, sorry.
4932851 ok don't worry then thanks :D
Chapter 1:
1. You need to space out each individual paragraph/speaking line.
2.Again, no indenting in this chapter. Every good story needs indenting.
3.
is should be his.
3.
Change and into to.
4.
Put . instead of a ,.
5.
Put a , between loony and handing.
6.In paragraph two, After: A purple unicorn; put , instead of ., so then it won't sound so choppy.
7.
Put a . instead of a ,.
8.
Put a , between did and he.
9.
Put a , between otherwise and judging.
10.
Replace , with a ., take out but and make a new sentence.
11.
Put a , between mind and I'd.
12.
Put a , between did and Proteans.
13.
Replace the . with a ,.
14.
Put a , between him and but.
15.
Make anyway anyways and add a , between anyway and picking.
16.
Take out and, then make a new sentence.
17.
Put a , between it and he.
18.
Put a , between agony and he.
19.
And a . and make a new sentence.
20.
Put a , between the two.
21.
The two parts of this sentence seemed, forced together. Try rewriting it if you could. A suggestion from me would be. After laying there for hours, he woke up to a surprise welcome.
22.
Put a , between the two.
23.
This need some redoing. I'll leave that to you though.
24.
Put a , between the two.
25.
Capitalize the.
26.
Period at the end, and try to sum this up a bit please. Make it a couple sentences, make sure to get rid of unnecessary words.
Well that's all. Good job. You have less mistakes, which is really good.
Sorry if anyone's wanting the next chapter I've got up to chapter 4 writing wise but my editors kinda vamooshed and I haven't got round to finding a new one yet so yeah... If anyone here is an editor and feels like editing a crime against mlp in general then msg me or if you know someone who's an editor or you just wanna chat or send me hate :D
Ugg.. Alicorn OC, that is talked about, not shown doing stuff. SHOW NOT TELL. People randomly talking about back story, is not good way to introduce someone, especially, if they have no reason to.
Well good luck trying to write anyway.
5068748 finally someone who agrees how terrible this is
1.Proteans walked into the shop (or boutique as the sign outside said.) and his legs where getting better at moving. ~ A bit of a choppy sentence. where should be were
2.He was still covered in blood and cuts which caused some ponies to look at him weirdly but he was finally here and he wished he could soon go. ~ put a , after cuts and another one after weirdly. and wished he could go soon- I would rephrase that part.
3.you how ~ Period in between and new sentence please.
4.Rarity I heard ~ After Rarity, put a period for a new sentence.
5.Black is SOO ~ Black should be black. Lowercase, not upper.
6.of that maybe ~ Another new sentence here, though I do believe a , would work here too.
7.that you’re ~ put a , between the two words please.
8.y divine I bet once he ~ another , between divine and I.
This is all I have so far, I'm just not in the mood and really tired. I will finish tomorrow after my homework. (dang homecomings, making me so tired)
5070628 :O YOU'RE BACK DOING IT AGAIN *jumps on you holding you tight* I LOVE YOU YOU'RE AMAZING
5073438 Hisses in annoyance. "I'll cut you. Don't get used to it buddy, it's just until I disappear off the sight again."
5075099 Sorry, site.
9.came after him he assumed ~ Put a , between him and he.
10.Oh yes here you go your hat. ~ Kinda an awkward sounding sentence. I would change it up a bit like: Oh yes, here’s your hat.
11.as he was so lost in thought ~ No period?! Dun dun duuuuuun. (Better put one there before the spelling police come.)
12.at yourself you’re ~ Put a , between yourself and you’re.
13.been mauled
by an ursa major!” ~ You need to press space here and delete the ENTER.
14.blood off. There came ~ switch . with , otherwise it ain’t a complete sentence.
15.coming through the door. ~ Take this out of the sentence. It seems unneeded to me.
16.party EVER we got games, ~ After ever, put a ! and make a new sentence.
17.“Hey Rarity I’m having the biggest party EVER we got games, drinks, food, and even music from Vinyl Scratch!”
Proteans’ eyes widened when he heard this. He dried as well as he could and with his mane still dripping bolted down the stairs before his bad leg kicked in and he was forced to hobble the rest of the way. ~ Put an extra enter after Pinkies speaking part.
18.I just noticed that you forgot to indent!
19.still dripping bolted ~ put a , after dripping.
20.minute did you ~ Period between middle and did so you can start a new sentence.
That’s all I’m doing for now. I was planning to finish, but I’m getting bored and I don’t want to skim through it at all. Till tomorrow.
5075115 *hides* please don't kill me
5078124 I won't (yet)
5079384 *pulls out stick* I'VE GOTTA SHOTGUN!
5082522 ok how many times must i say I DON'T DO INDENTING... idk how ;(
5083157 See that sign with an arrow pointing towards the lines, and the two middle ones have gone into the paragraph a bit? That's the indenting button.