A dark twist on the LOHaV format: 2 years ago an anti-brony with electrokinisis went on a rampage throughout Equestria. Now he has been found...as the broken, insane plaything of a malevolent sorcerer.
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story? Will Twilight be badass in this story? Is this an Evil Celestia story? is this a Luna's a Prick story?
To be honest, you're going a little fast. The story is called "crippled, beaten and broken". I get that the elements purged him of his insanity, but he's still been living in a sewer for a year, and he's still as skeletal as a pile of sticks. He seems a little too..... normal. He's just sad, not really damaged or empty. If anything, the story functioned a lot better while he was insane. I kinda miss fucked-up Ryan.
Hmm. I've got to say that your depiction of madness is probably one of the best I've ever seen on this site. You're brave enough to actually write from the crazy person's POV and include his delusions in your writing instead of just having ponies point at him and tell us that he's crazy. The backstory is pretty interesting as well, although I doubt somebody would go on a thunder-rampage simply because he doesn't like the people he's round. I'm going to guess there's an ulterior motive here as to why he got all hostile towards the ponies, though. Further on the backstory; the brony thing is kind of weird. His drunkard dad and him both concentrate their fury on a group of people who like cartoon ponies? It just seems a little strange, is all.
The writing style is actually pretty admirable. Your prose comes together well and the whole 'king of rats' thing you had going put a big smile on my face. It's rare that I see metaphors that good. However, as good your writing is, I'm afraid that in this case quantity does kind of equal quality. The chapters taking place in the hospital could have all been merged into one and the general length of the chapters is going to be off-putting to some. Making them a little more meaty (I'd say 2-3,000 or above) could solve this. Sure it'll take longer to write, but I'm not exactly one for time constraints (just look at the time gaps between my chapters )
Overall I'd say that this is pretty good. It's well written, original and interesting to boot. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter
5038950 Thank you so very much It feels good knowing that I can entertain someone successfully, as for the length, don't worry, the chapters should be getting bulkier as time goes on, at least, once I add more POV's per chapter.
As for Ryan;s hatred for bronies, I just think his hatred is the only thing that kept him going throughout his depression, allowing him to obsess over them and making it his rock as it where. And his dad hates everyone who doesn't fit his definition of masculine, so male cheerleaders and male ballerinas go in his hate category too.
5039163 Just one more question: are we going to find out how and why Ryan got his powers in the first place. Most fics just take the 'just because' route, but I think it'd be a nice touch to add a reveal or specific reason as to why the main character shoots lighting out of his hands.
Dude! You should have told me that you did a shout out to my story in this! This was actually sitting in my Read Later-list and I would have gotten to it sooner had I known that you had done that. I am honored that my story inspired you to start this. Writing a review is the least I could do, though I'm not all that good at it I think, I'm a bit too nice to give criticism, even constructive ones, and I tend to be a little bit colored by my personal opinions and tastes. But since you asked for it, here we go.
Normally, I try to steer clear of stories about anti-bronies showing up in Equestria, or even humans-acting-as-villains-stories in general because so many of them are just about assholes starting a lot of crap because the author didn't like this-or-that in the show or some such and they just use their story as a mouthpiece, with all characters being as flat and uninteresting as blank paper. You on the other hand have intrigued me.
Ryan can easily be seen, on the surface, as just a dick with a chip on his shoulder, but we get to see just enough of what's underneath his shell that hints to things that go so much deeper than that. I can't remember who said it, but I once heard a quote that was something along the lines of "everyone's the hero of their own story", nobody sees themselves as "the villain" really, they don't do things because they're "evil", there is always some reason behind what they do, whatever that reason may be. The breadcrumbs you give us about Ryan's past without giving everything away is brilliant, it makes me curious and sympathetic towards him.
Though taking his anger out on a group like Bronies may seem like an odd choice, it doesn't sound impossible to me. People direct their angers and sorrows at other groups as a way to place the blame and channel their negative emotions all the time; the smaller and, in a sense, more "vulnerable" the group is, the easier.
The chapters could perhaps be a little longer, but that may just be because I want more. The writing in itself is excellent, I personally only spotted one single little mistake.
I’m not that interesting and I can be quite, so you won’t even know that I’m here.
I believe you meant "quiet". But you have a wonderful vocabulary and I feel myself drawn in by the way you write. I especially enjoyed Ryan's internal insane ramblings; that is not something that is done well easily, but you pulled it off impressively.
There, I tried. Hope I managed to say something worthwhile. I really enjoyed this. And one final thing:
I love your work, of that there can be no doubt, and I thank you for the fave. As for the story, I am glad that you like it and I am super-mega-excited to see the next chapter of NMN.
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story? Will Twilight be badass in this story? Is this an Evil Celestia story? is this a Luna's a Prick story?
5032767 Maybe, probably, no, and super-no.
Short chapters are short.
5032822
5032824 what? Is it time for a face off? Cause' no pony/one has ever beat me innone of those.
5032835
To be honest, you're going a little fast. The story is called "crippled, beaten and broken". I get that the elements purged him of his insanity, but he's still been living in a sewer for a year, and he's still as skeletal as a pile of sticks. He seems a little too..... normal. He's just sad, not really damaged or empty. If anything, the story functioned a lot better while he was insane. I kinda miss fucked-up Ryan.
5032862 Don't worry, there WILL be some....problems in the near future.
5032839 if you send another face I will aniollate you with my ultra combo death move that I have only used once! For a very extreme battle!
5032921 Interesting....dare I? Hmmmm.... Yes!!
Wonder if the princess are going to be judgmental or notice somethings is up with him at first notice.
5033387 Wait and see.
Hmm. I've got to say that your depiction of madness is probably one of the best I've ever seen on this site. You're brave enough to actually write from the crazy person's POV and include his delusions in your writing instead of just having ponies point at him and tell us that he's crazy. The backstory is pretty interesting as well, although I doubt somebody would go on a thunder-rampage simply because he doesn't like the people he's round. I'm going to guess there's an ulterior motive here as to why he got all hostile towards the ponies, though.
Further on the backstory; the brony thing is kind of weird. His drunkard dad and him both concentrate their fury on a group of people who like cartoon ponies? It just seems a little strange, is all.
The writing style is actually pretty admirable. Your prose comes together well and the whole 'king of rats' thing you had going put a big smile on my face. It's rare that I see metaphors that good. However, as good your writing is, I'm afraid that in this case quantity does kind of equal quality. The chapters taking place in the hospital could have all been merged into one and the general length of the chapters is going to be off-putting to some. Making them a little more meaty (I'd say 2-3,000 or above) could solve this. Sure it'll take longer to write, but I'm not exactly one for time constraints (just look at the time gaps between my chapters )
Overall I'd say that this is pretty good. It's well written, original and interesting to boot. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter
5038950 Thank you so very much It feels good knowing that I can entertain someone successfully, as for the length, don't worry, the chapters should be getting bulkier as time goes on, at least, once I add more POV's per chapter.
As for Ryan;s hatred for bronies, I just think his hatred is the only thing that kept him going throughout his depression, allowing him to obsess over them and making it his rock as it where. And his dad hates everyone who doesn't fit his definition of masculine, so male cheerleaders and male ballerinas go in his hate category too.
Do you have any other non-spoiler questions?
5039163 Just one more question: are we going to find out how and why Ryan got his powers in the first place. Most fics just take the 'just because' route, but I think it'd be a nice touch to add a reveal or specific reason as to why the main character shoots lighting out of his hands.
5039526 He got the thing at comic-con, beyond that, well...just wait and see, though it isn't very important anyway.
Dude! You should have told me that you did a shout out to my story in this! This was actually sitting in my Read Later-list and I would have gotten to it sooner had I known that you had done that. I am honored that my story inspired you to start this.
Writing a review is the least I could do, though I'm not all that good at it I think, I'm a bit too nice to give criticism, even constructive ones, and I tend to be a little bit colored by my personal opinions and tastes. But since you asked for it, here we go.
Normally, I try to steer clear of stories about anti-bronies showing up in Equestria, or even humans-acting-as-villains-stories in general because so many of them are just about assholes starting a lot of crap because the author didn't like this-or-that in the show or some such and they just use their story as a mouthpiece, with all characters being as flat and uninteresting as blank paper. You on the other hand have intrigued me.
Ryan can easily be seen, on the surface, as just a dick with a chip on his shoulder, but we get to see just enough of what's underneath his shell that hints to things that go so much deeper than that. I can't remember who said it, but I once heard a quote that was something along the lines of "everyone's the hero of their own story", nobody sees themselves as "the villain" really, they don't do things because they're "evil", there is always some reason behind what they do, whatever that reason may be. The breadcrumbs you give us about Ryan's past without giving everything away is brilliant, it makes me curious and sympathetic towards him.
Though taking his anger out on a group like Bronies may seem like an odd choice, it doesn't sound impossible to me. People direct their angers and sorrows at other groups as a way to place the blame and channel their negative emotions all the time; the smaller and, in a sense, more "vulnerable" the group is, the easier.
The chapters could perhaps be a little longer, but that may just be because I want more.
The writing in itself is excellent, I personally only spotted one single little mistake.
I believe you meant "quiet". But you have a wonderful vocabulary and I feel myself drawn in by the way you write. I especially enjoyed Ryan's internal insane ramblings; that is not something that is done well easily, but you pulled it off impressively.
There, I tried. Hope I managed to say something worthwhile. I really enjoyed this.
And one final thing:
s2.quickmeme.com/img/5a/5a594c30c37db765a820796ab96b94d3283cbd143afe0af99ba0480d6ae0f7c8.jpg
5068569 You, good sir, have truly made my day .
Here, have a JonTron.
I love your work, of that there can be no doubt, and I thank you for the fave. As for the story, I am glad that you like it and I am super-mega-excited to see the next chapter of NMN.
Oh...and the next chapter will be out today.
See ya.