***Day 1, Friday, evening***
“Are we there yet?”
“No, Rhino, we’re not.”
“Damn.”
Well that killed about five seconds, now what? Frankly after walking all day I’m proud of myself for even trying to kill boredom with conversation of all things since we pretty much ran out of things to say after the first few hours of mind-numbing walking. I suppose it isn’t that bad though. Wait, there’s something I need to do before anything else.
My carriage pulling partner looks toward me questioningly and I catch a glimpse of myself in his shades.
I'm a green unicorn more on the upper scale of height. My mane and tail are both black with a blue stripe running through them. My mane is short, what I might call a natural style, and the blue stripe runs vertically down slightly off center to the left. My tail is longer than most stallions' styles, but not really styled, just kept knot free. The stripe in my tail runs down the center of my tail, but horizontally and can be seen from both sides. My eyes are a chocolate brown, and as usual, I have on my watch. My cutie mark is a blue arcane circle with a heart in the center and veins coming out of the heart and reaching out to the edge of the circle.
I look away for a moment before a thought occurs to me and I turn back to him, “Hey Hydro, I’m gonna turn the radio back on since we’re probably far enough from Everfree to not bother anything that lives there.”
He nods as he faces forward again, “Oh yeah, I forgot we turned that off.”
Figures he forgot. Oh well, let’s get some music going. I clicked the power button with my magic.
What is love?
Baby don’t hurt me,
Don’t hurt me,
No more.
I love this song, plus it’s zone out music if I’ve ever heard it. Meh, it allows me reflect on why we’re headed to Ponyville in the first place. I suppose the simple answer would be jobs. Hydro Pump and I have been best friends since high school and kept in touch during college. We recently graduated from our respective colleges in our fields, him graduating with an Engineering degree and myself with a Biological Sciences one. After the semester ended but before the actual graduation, Hydro had approached me with an idea. He had heard of a job opportunity for him down in Ponyville, apparently there was a faulty dam in need of an on-site pony to maintain its internal workings, and had suggested I move there with him to look for a job myself since I hadn’t decided where I was going yet. I had thought of Ponyville as a potential location for me since I prefer small towns and they had a veterinary clinic I could apply for with my credentials. Add in having my best friend there and my mind was pretty much made up.
Thus I find myself and Hydro approaching Ponyville from Canterlot along the path we took around Everfree, hitched up side-by-side to a large wagon filled with furniture and other home essential items. Never before have I hated the fact that my furniture was wood until I had to haul it cross-country, though with his earth pony endurance and my magic we were doing pretty well for ourselves on the trip. The sun was just starting to set as we round a hill to see we weren’t that far from the town itself.
I admire the view of the orange bathed town as the last of sun’s rays begin fading, and then glance over to my longtime friend.
Hydro is a dark red earth pony of similar build to me, but slightly thinner. His mane and tail are black like mine, but don't have any other colors in them. His mane is pretty much the exact style mine is, while his tail is about half the length. His jaw is more angled than mine. While his eyes are orange in color, I can't actually see them at the moment due to his shades. Finally, his cutie mark is a water wheel with water flowing underneath it.
I gesture towards the town with my head, “I gotta say Hydro, I think you picked a real winner in this town.”
He nods, “It sure looks that way, but I hear crazy stuff tends to happen here.”
I refuse to let him kill my good mood as we make our way through the outskirts, “Well, the town’s still in one piece so it can’t be that bad.”
“You know you totally jinxed us right?” He raises up his aviators as he says this.
I cringe slightly as that thought occurs to me as well, “Yeah, I just realized that. Hopefully it waits until after we get all this to the house.”
Our trek through the town is noticeably quiet, as not a single pony is seen. Not completely unexpected given how late we have arrived. The sun is almost completely set as we pull up to our new abode. It's at a street corner so thankfully we can just park the wagon to the side of the house and don’t have to worry about having it just sitting in front of the building for two days until the return pony comes to bring it back to the rental place. It is a very nice home, then again I don’t ask for anything too fancy. The house is two stories, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, kitchen, living room… the works. It looks similar to most of the other houses on the street, but things like the color and personal touches tend to let houses like this still stay easily identifiable.
Hydro and I unload all the boxes and furniture and put them in the front room for now. I find us two glasses from one of our boxes, get some water from the tap, and levitate his over to him. I settle down in one of the chairs after deciding that it would be better to avoid the couch for the moment, given its rather famous reputation of putting ponies into power naps before they even know what hit them.
Ok, let’s see just how much more we are going to do today.
“Ok Hydro now that we have a second, how about we decide the pertinent question of how much unpacking we’re doing right now.”
He answers bluntly, “Depends on how much you got left in you.”
I mull the query through my head before answering honestly, “I’m thinking I have enough left for one last burst of productivity, after that I’m crashing.”
He smiles teasingly at me, “Fair enough dude, honestly I’m surprised you got this far.”
I roll my eyes at him, “Oh hahah, I did it didn’t I? To be frank though, my legs are most likely going to be a little sore over the next few days but it won’t be that bad. Just don’t expect me to go running for anything short of my life, and even then I’ll have to think about it.”
“Yeah, because you do so much running normally.” He rolls his eyes. “Alright, how bout we just get the furniture moved into the rooms, set up the beds, and then use them?”
“I approve this plan.” I raise my glass and drink the rest of the water.
I discuss it with Hydro and I end up with the bedroom next to the side street, he gets the one down the hall, and the upstairs bathroom between us. Next comes the worst part of moving, even worse than the move itself, bringing large and heavy furniture up stairs after an already tiring day.
“Are you even listening Rhino? I said move it clockwise!”
“You didn’t say which one of us it was relevant to so I took a guess!”
“Well why didn’t you ask?”
“Because I’m concentrating on not letting my freaking huge bookshelf squish me if it falls! I’m trying to get this done and having this conversation already makes it more difficult to react!”
“Just levitate it to me so I can take it, you pansy.”
Hmph. Let’s see you focus enough to lift furniture with your head while feeling like just falling asleep where you stand.
A bit of grumbling from the long day and a few small scratches on the walls later, Hydro and I set up the beds. Mine being just the usual frame and mattress set up and his requiring running the hose through the house because somepony likes water beds.
Come to think of it it’s a little funny how a pony who works with water so much for a living ends up sleeping on what is essentially his work every night, maybe it’s just comfortable for him. Whatever, too tired to care all that much right now.
I yawn, “Alright, did we forget anything?”
“That depends on if you plan on freezing me out with the air conditioner.” Hydro appears to be starting to wear down as well.
I chuckle and respond teasingly, "It's not my fault you can't take the cold like I can."
His counter is equally teasing, "Hey, if you make threats with the air conditioner, I can make threats with the heater."
I cringe at his threat to my inverse temperature intolerance, "Touche. Middle ground?"
"Glad we can agree."
“Alright in that case, I’m going to go pass out, night dude.”
“Night bro.”
I fall asleep under Princess Luna’s shining orb with my last thought,
‘Note to self: invest in shades for windows.’
First
I think I'm going to really love this story
461169 Glad to hear it, thanks for the comment This was actually probably the most mellow day these guys will have for a while, especially once Volt shows up.
Me at the radio scene: "Of course."
Oh and *ahem* your in my fic, so...
461214 yeah gotta love radios, glad to see you liked it atom. I'm shooting for ch 2 later tonight
461368
Like a baws! Is this like your birthday present to me?
Bro ponies! YEAH! tracked!
gettin a shout out LIKE A BOSS!
Rhino I finally got around to reading you story and so far so good
909881 Gotta make at least a decent first impression!
909894 you got me hooked now I'm determined to finish it before I sleep I'm on ch.7
ambion here, and I’m the WRITE reviewer for your story, “The First Steps of the Rest of Your Life.” Please note that I follow a loose and casual style of reviewing - key points and thoughts will be reiterated near the end for conveinance! As part of my just now started effort to reduce my caps absue, I will be dearly avoiding full capsing any words. Also, this will be long, I assure you
Without reading one word yet, I’m liking what I see - the description is polished, and the cover art is an encouraging touch. The premise is one that easily connects to this strange - oh so strange! - fandom of ours of ponies. Oh, and the ‘=’ signs you will see mean that I have read further on in the story since the last scribbled word here.
Mood going in - pleased, positive, confident.
Chapter 1 - (not that I’ll be doing it chapter by chapter, just thoughts and observations as they appear)
=
Two lines and then a wild character description appears! Before anything’s established we’re getting information thrown at us, which generally isn’t a smooth operation at all. There are places for such dumps, but not as the opening lines. Generally, information is best bled across to the reader through actions, thoughts, dialogues and all that jazz. On the upside, Rhino’s colour scheme is interesting and memorable.
=
‘What is love? Baby don’t hurt me....don’t hurt me....no more!’ Indeed, I do love this song.
=
Reflecting on Going To Ponyville bit - again, a bit exposition heavy - so far the only thing to actually happen in the story --at all-- is they say a few words and a song is turned on. Perhaps not the most engaging and subtle of openings, but its ok.
=
“I admire the view of the orange bathed town as the last of sun’s rays begin fading, and then glance over to my longtime friend. “ - My ship senses are tingling
=
Chapter One Overall consideration - I tend not to notice technicalities and punctualities, grammar and that sort of thing, but even looking for these things I didn’t spot anything, which is a very nice thing indeed.
As for the story itself, I can see you did establish the essential information, and the latter half brought the movement and dialogue that it needed. All in all, it’s pretty good.
Chapter two, hoo!
=
I wander out into the hallway to the top of the stairs. Ah yes stairs, we meet again and I know you are plotting against me, you shall not prevail! -- This sentence nearly snuck by, but it caught my eye all the same and hints at a minor problem. The second sentence quite naturally is a funny sentence, and yet the reader (being me) feels left without substantial context.
Does he not like stairs on principle?
Is it that his legs are sore and he’s tired?
That he’s recalling the struggle with the furniture? We are left unknowing, and his silly mental outburst seems vapid for it.
You are, thus far, relying a lot on character thoughts as the medium of fleshing out your story, but so far all these thoughts of Rhino’s have been very linear, a narrow line kind of thing. I’ve yet to see a particular sentence that -shows- very much at all, rather than -tells-.
=
Whilst I do this Hydro comes downstairs, looking pretty much how I feel right now which can be effectively described as blah. Not good, not bad, just meh. -- Admittedly, I’m not decided if this is bad or just something to fit into the stylings and musings of the characters, but it COULD have been where the description of them both from the first chapter could have worked into the progression of the story, rather than something tagged on and feeling unnecessary.
I like it, I do, but ‘bleh’ and ‘meh’ are not descriptive qualities. ...well they are, but they work for characters mindframes and moods, not to describe the tangled hair, the bags under eyes, that kind of thing. On the other hand, bleh and meh certainly put me in the mindframe of tangled hair, tiredness, all that imagery without you ever having had go into tedious physical descriptions, so it works in that regards.
=
Time for Res, a spell I had invented one day that lets me control friction in air and on surfaces. -- my first feelings are instantly wary, which in prereading and reviewing I hope is a natural and forgivable response. I must wonder, though, if this spell is plot relevant or you shoehorned it in just ‘cause. I’ll be keeping an eye out for it.
=
I recall seeing something I assume to be the veterinary clinic while I was out but by then I was preoccupied with not dropping any of the groceries. -- I’m gonna be bold and outright call this a bad writing decision. Only a little bit bad, mind you, but still bad.
You essentially retconned something from a few paragraphs ago. In a way, it’s kind of a tiny yet unsettling slap that says What I Read isn’t Quite What Actually Happened. Why tell us that he saw it and couldn’t deal with it After The Fact when it would have been better to show us it happening when it actually happened? Things like this dry out a story.
=
a pair of blue eyes attached to a very pink pony. I gulp nervously. -- as you should! This is a bit I like. It’s consistent with Ponyville -and- hangs the good ol’ foreshadowing over the story. Now we the readers have something to look forward to.
=
“I know you’re logical about these things but that can be a major buzz kill sometimes.” -- Ship Senses tingling again.
=
“GAH!”
*crash*
*facehoof*
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm............ I wanna say ‘nope’ on principle, but this kind of faux-scene-event-thing HAS been consistent this far and sorta-kinda-maybe works for the characters. Even so, plenty of reviewers would stomp down on it as not being writing. I, for one, am kind of liking it. But I’d still err you to caution on using such a thing.
=
I might be getting too good at casting Res if I’m doing it on reflex to stick to ceilings now. -- I’m not even gonna touch this one. Magic Ain’t Gotta Explain Jack. I am please to see the spell relevant in some capacity though.
=
I lessen Res so I detach from the ceiling but turn it up again once I flip so I don’t hit the floor too hard. -- This is a nope. Not the event, sure why not magic, but how it’s written. It’s the difference between saying “I got a cup of tea.” and saying “I went and put water in the kettle, boiled it, then poured it on a teabag in the cup and steeped it for four minutes or thereabouts.” Unnecessary details are clunky and boring.
=
5. Nope. Nope. ‘five’ good sir! FIE. pardon my pun of fun, yes, but numericals under 10 are written alphabetically, with the exceptions of proper nouns like C-WhatI’mDoingRightHere-3PO.
On the back of that, OC’s getting dragged into the mane six...I am wary. A lot of OC fics attempt this, and most fail. Now Pinkie’s welcoming party is perfectly welcome and consistent and all things good, but... well, I’ll read on and see...
=
Brash and confident. I don’t usually like boasters but judging by her speed just now I’m betting she can back it up. -- This is a dangerous pitfall I’ve seen a lot of OC’s Go To Ponyville, Meet Mane Six Stories fall into, where it, because the OC’s are new to the scene, basically rehash everything that We The Readers already know about them. We know Dash is brash and confident. We know she can back it up. The reader does not gain from this in the slightest.
Now, the way I’ve seen these work is that the OC’s themselves have to bring something to the table - which more often then not they fail to do. If we look at Gilda and Lightning Dust as psuedo-OC’s (in keeping with our Dash example) they both work by A) bringing something unique, a character and personality all their own to their stories, and B) use these character traits and personality to warrant some kind of conflict/connection/relation from the established character.
OC’s have a stigma against them, I’d say it’s vital for them to survive that they have a presence in the story beyond that of a reader vector to ‘see’ the known characters with - they need to engage and relate in ways that distinguish them from others.
=
“Those two just race off every chance they get, well dear, as Pinkie said earlier my name is Rarity and I run Carousel Boutique so if you’re ever in need of clothing be sure to let me know.” -- this is a run on, plan and simple. Other faults in the words? Nothing is shown of Rarity here: not a smirk, a smile, a frown - no inflection is given, no gestures made. She just conveys information, a sure sign of Talking Heads Syndrome. I’ll be wary if it crops up again.
Oh, and Ship senses tingling!
=
Well she certainly seemed to gain a bit bravado when she spoke about her animal's problem. -- and again, you are using the thought sequences as crutches for elaborating context.
Don’t have him -Think- for our sakes that she gains bravado, have him -See- that she stands up straighter, presses forwards, maybe widens her eyes, speaks louder.
And yes, I’m starting to see the italicised bits, as you use them, to be something of a crutch.
=
Chapter Two Overall consideration - The story is certainly erring towards the black holes a lot of similar stories go inevitably into.
The mane six are very strong characters, both within their universe and in the minds of the readers. If we look at every exchange, and I mean -E v e r y- exchange between your OC and them, it’s like he suddenly became flat and unthinking and boring. Rhino makes bland and obvious observations, is appropriately decent and good guyish and quite normally thinking himself awkward.
OC’s need to really step up and find their niche and their own ways of interacting with others and the world. Part of what makes the mane six so strong and liked as characters is that Each Single Every one of them is unique and manages the full spectrum of this differently - making each entirely their own self and nobody else.
=
=
=
=
Right, I think I’m alright to call it here, with the arrival of Surgio -
So - the review in condescended form: Your story sets out to be the everyday shenanigans of OC’s arriving in Ponyville, and that’s precisely what it does. Admittantly, this isn’t my favourite style or genre, but that’s neither here nor there.
Technicalities are more or less nonexistent - I noticed a few typos in the latter chapters, but otherwise nothing I’d even bother remembering
The two things I’ve mentioned before in the rambling above and would have attention called to here is your dependence on italicised thoughts instead of actual expression, dialogue and all general means of ‘Showing’.
Secondly, the mane six drown out the characters. When it’s the boys on their own, things are well and good. As soon as a canon mare shows up, it’s like they become blank, hollow, unitneresting, drab dull generic things that prompt a few lines of talk and action, without really bringing anything their own to the exchange.
Of course, this could change further on in the story, but it doesn’t do well to start on what unavoidably are unbuilt. For instance, if you asked me to describe the characters of Rhino and Hydro....I’m not sure how I’d do that. There just sort of there, a lot of the time. The man six continuously outshine and overwhelm their chances at development.
On the positive side of things, there’s a commendable pace and smoothness to the overall progression of events - things happen and lead into other things without often feeling contrived or jarring.
So yeah - the story’s doing what it said it would do, but lacks a certain flair in integrating the OC’s into the wider scheme of things. It’s normal guys, doing normal things and there’s nothing at all wrong with them being normal, or doing normal, but they get overshadowed by the manic delight that is canon Ponyville and crew entirely and seem all the flatter for the comparison.
All in all, a fair story, I feel, but perhaps not one for my interests.
2605148 *Facehoof* I can't believe after how many times I've gone over that chapter that was never caught. Thanks!
As a green earth pony myself, I approve this protagonist.
Okay, I read the first chapter, so I'm allowed to fave now!