Firetta Fireball floated through the air as she sailed over numerous shacks and tents of all different sizes and colors, part of the Shanty. The wind fluttered through the feathers on her wings.
Her sunny yellow coat stood out from the dark gray sky. Her mane and eyes matched the dark grey tone of the clouds exactly. Her short, shaggy mane flew in the wind as she began to descend.
Her cutie mark of a red and orange fireball gleamed in the reflected, grimy light of a dirty silver pan as her hooves hit the ground. The earth was soft and a bit muddy from the earlier rain shower. Ponies never knew when rain would come here. In the Society, rain schedules were given to everypony, but here in the Shanty, there wasn't even a weather team to contain the wild storms that hit sometimes. It was just another reason to live in The Society.
The Society. The place everypony here sought. They traveled for months to take up residence in this sprawling town of millions. Just for the chance to live in an eternal utopia. A worthy prize for a long and tedious journey.
Firetta's family had lived here for several generations since the creation of The Society. The Fall had happened over a thousand years before that even occurred, though.
Firetta trotted forward, moving away from a purple earth pony stallion hawking prices for an assortment of gems and other beautiful trinkets. Another stall's owner hawked prices for trinkets, too, only her's were shabbier then her competition's and also of a higher price. The red unicorn mare was obviously poor. Her body was wrapped in dirty cloths while the earth pony stallion, her competition, was dressed in a simple black suit.
Firetta moved on. She wanted to become a citizen of The Society, and not just for the easy living. Her parents owned a popular bar that raked in the cash, and they lived in one of the biggest shacks in the Shanty, a rich family among the rich of this place. No, it was to see her brother, Comet Tail.
Comet Tail had the white coat of their mother. His mane was the same color as hers and was cut very short. His eyes were green like their mother's, and his cutie mark was a comet with a tail that spiraled around itself. His muzzle slowly turned red and his hooves were bare of fur to reveal red hooves, just like hers and their father's.
She missed him dearly. He had been inducted into The Society two years ago, to the day. Today was the monthly Induction Ceremony, where a pony of each gender was chosen to become a citizen. Firetta was meeting with her friends New Leaf and Decadent Diamond. They would meet their parents there, who would meet them at the Square after work ended. And then the Ceremony would begin.
===
New Leaf sighed as he left behind the chaotic coal mines, his workplace. They supplied the coal for The Society and for the richer ponies of the Shanty like Firetta's family. Firetta's family. The richest in all the Shanty. New couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy.
Usually he would have to work for another hour, as long as his parents had to today, but he had worked an extra hour yesterday at the mines so he could leave early today and meet up with his friends.
New shook, his short leaf green mane that faded into a teal flying across his face and into his eyes. He had just thought of earlier in the morning.
New Leaf had been working, chipping away the rock with a power drill, when a red pegasus pony named Dusky Skies was trotting by.
Dusky had tripped on a large stone, and fallen in the way of a green earth pony's power drill.
By the time the medic arrived, Dusky was long dead. Blood was everywhere, spread along the walls and floor of the mine shaft.
It wasn't the green earth pony's fault. Just a pure accident. But he was still arrested and locked in The Cage. New shook again from the thought of The Cage.
New wiped some mud of his pure white coat, his neon green eyes darting down to his hairless hooves, his peach skin showing. He had been told it looked like the hooves of the legendary Big Macintosh, general of the seventh legion in The Fall.
But he had heard that from a drunken unicorn that had accidentally fell off a bridge and drowned the next day. Not a very reliable source.
New passed by a mirror, his single green birch leaf cutie mark gleaming. His gray freckles were paled out in comparison to the bright green cutie mark.
He sighed as he left the cracked sheet of glass behind. He passed a dirty alleyway that was holding a gang. That could have easily been New's life right now, robbing and murdering. If no pony found out about your crimes here, if you kept your criminal acts under the radar here, you could easily avoid arrest.
New hadn't gone down that road. One of his three brothers had, though. He was the middle one, older than New, but not the oldest. His name was Bright Branch.
When New was only starting school (School was rare for the poor, but New had been friends with Firetta and Decadent, and their families were and are rich, so they helped pay a large portion of the tuition) Bright had left them, thinking joining a gang was the better option. He was found dead a year later, killed by another gang.
New had vowed never to go down that path, and to help his younger brother Serene Sapling stay away from it ,too.
New could see the tilted clock tower of the Square peeking above the tops of the cottages. He was walking in the rich neighborhood. Firetta and Decadent were neighbors, but both had been out and about, so they were meeting at their special spot, a small ,concrete triangle. A small veil of water covered an opening in it, and they would gallop through to the other side, where no pony could see or find them. Total seclusion.
New wanted to live in The Society so badly. Well, he at least wanted Serene to live there, if he couldn't.
He was tired of being poor and having to work as much as an adult stallion. Meanwhile, he hated to sound mean, but meanwhile Decadent and Firetta were care free, barely having to work, if at all. Decadent worked at her parent's jewelry store a few days a week, but that wasn't daily work, back breaking work, unforgiving work.
New shook the dark thoughts from his mind as he saw the triangle standing in the distance. He spurred his speed and soon was full out cantering towards the triangle, breaking through the flimsy wall of water, his coat becoming wet and damp.
===
Decadent Diamond left behind the thick white walls that surrounded the Shanty, her pink eyes drifting over ponies and shacks. The wall was the only gift from The Society. It kept all bad and evil out. Kept everypony else in.
She had been escorting her cousin, Turquoise Fountain to the gates. He had gotten permission, after a waiting period of over a year, to leave and mine turquoise, which was one of the only things that couldn't be found inside the Shanty.
The wind blew through Decadent's two-toned, long and shaggy hair. She gently pushed the light purple and dark purple mane over, out of her eyes.
Decadent jumped over a large, muddy puddle, seeing her gray coat flash across its surface. She wiped some dirty water from the puddle off her cutie mark. Her cutie mark was a teal diamond with a green laurel over it.
She took a brief glance at some stalls that were hawking food and other wares before galloping as fast as she could. She didn't want to be late.
She galloped as fast as she could, her hair flying behind her, getting caught on her horn. She weaved in between ponies, knocking down a snobby unicorn mare one time, but otherwise everything went okay as she saw the triangle in the distance.
She knew she wouldn't be the first there. Or the second. Firetta was the fastest running and flying (well, she was the only one who could fly, of course.)
And New Leaf, well, he had so many thick muscles, and his lean yet muscled body rippled when ever he ran...
Decadent got herself in check. No need to be oodling over New right now. She looked at the triangle again. New was galloping towards it, hard. He hit the curtain of water, the water spraying everywhere, his handsome face putting on a show winning smile.
Decadent galloped faster. She heard two yells as New probably collided with Firetta. She heard loud laughter coming from the triangle as she burst through the sheet of water, tumbling into her friends. She knocked them over like they were bowling pins.
Decadent tumbled into New's forelegs. She looked up in longing at his handsome features, his cute gray freckles on his nose inches away from her nose. She started to lean in when all of the sudden he got up, her falling onto the muddy ground. Decadent glared at New as she wiped large amounts of mud off her side. Firetta and New fell over, giggling uncontrollably as they got mud all over their damp coats.
It was Decadent's turn to giggle when the pair got up, covered in mud. The both sighed as Decadent laughed, and then shook, most of the mud flying onto Decadent.
Decadent gasped and ran through the water, the other two right behind her. They ran through the water a few times before they were all totally clean. But now they were dripping wet.
They ran and shook as they headed to the Square, the water flying off their coats. The clock tower was in the distance, chiming that it was 12:00 p.m. The Induction Ceremony would begin in a half hour.
All three laughed as they reached the Square, not knowing what they would soon face.
===
A figure with wings sprouting from her back and a horn on her head paced in the shadows of her large office, looking down on the population of The Society, who were all gathered around the door, all thousand of them, waiting for the new arrivals. The dark alicorn hissed in pleasure. It's body morphed and changed, its features ever changing. She looked at a monitor, the only source of light in the room. On it were three young ponies, galloping, dripping wet, and laughing. She hissed again, this time in displeasure. She shook her head and shut off the monitor before leaving the room. The light of the hall shined on her body, a mixture of all evil ever to grace the land of Equestria. She was unstoppable.
This was a good read.
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4876234 Thanks! I'm heading back to school tomorrow, so updates should be every few days. Next update should be today or tomorrow!
4876285
Hello Lyra,
I am Robbieagray91 and I am here on the behalf of the Authors helping Authors to review your story:
Washed Away Review
Grammar: 8
For the most part I found very few grammar issues with your work. Sure there were a few areas were the word off was missing a “f” (this is the only example I can remember) but other than that I didn’t notice much.
Pros:
1. Firetta’s name is very unique compared to other OC names I have read and her description kind of reminds me of a certain Wonderbolt. Perhaps a connection will be drawn out later. I also like her character as she appears to be humble as it is not her section that mentions her family being rich but New Leaf’s section instead.
2. Your world building is very elegant. I like how it is your own world but also refer to elements that we know from the mlp universe. The weather team for example that is mentioned in the beginning and showing how the absence of one can affect a society (I am referring to the society in the Shanty mind you).
3. I like the symbolism of the triangle (perhaps there was/wasn’t any symbolism meant by it but I found some). Each of the characters is of one of the pony tribes. A Pegasus, Earth pony and unicorn. They are three close friends which can make the shape of a triangle, which is a structurally sturdy and safe symbol. Which makes it sad (This is good! Making the reader feel such emotions are good!) we the readers know that since only one male and one female will be selected that either Decadents or Firetta will be left behind.
Cons:
1. The statement concerning Bright Branch was a little confusing. I would recommend mentioning his name before mention that he is the middle brother. Also mentioning the names of the gang he joined might be good for future references.
2. Sadly each character seems to be introduced with details left unanswered before the story rushes on to the next character. I would recommend embellishing on each of the sections just to make them more rounded.
3. In addressing the con mentioned above I feel that Decadents’s background could have been drawn out more since a portion of it seems to just flesh out the other two characters. The only thing about her personality we notice is that she loves her friends and she has something for New Leaf.
Thoughts:
Note: These thoughts are just my personal opinions to be taken as you so choose.
I was kind of surprised how much this story reminded me of the Hunger Games. Not that that is a bad thing if that is what you were going for. However there were only a few similarities so if that wasn't what you were going for then don't worry about it.
One thing I noticed is that you contrasted the work the Firetta and Decadents do compared to what New Leaf does, which puzzled me about how they could be friends. In most societies individuals of “higher status” don’t like to intermingle with individuals of “lower status” and vice versa. So how they came to be friends kind of intrigues me. I would recommend explaining the reason behind this, or if you plan on doing that later hint at there being a reason behind this.
I also like some of the humorous moments thrown in like how a drunk unicorn that drowned isn’t a reliable source or the Decadents hits them all like bowling pins. I honestly did laugh at these moments.
Now while it is a little to early to review the whole story I will grade this chapter with 3 (out of 5) crazy pinkamena faces:
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Well, I hope the review was to your liking. If you could please review my story: The Mirror-Stone Wasteland (you don't have to review the whole thing just pick a chapter and I will be fine with that).
I will also be following you since I am curious about the what journey these three protagonists will be taking in the future.
Looking forward to reading more.
I'm likin' what I'm seein'!