Three friends, Firetta Fireball the pegasus, New Leaf the earth pony, and Decadent Diamond the unicorn live in the outer town of The Society called Shanty.
Each month one pony of each gender is chosen to be inducted into the dream-like world of The Society. Their life will be filled with joy and happiness for the rest of their days.
Or so they have been told.
The three friends embark on a journey together to find out the Society's secrets and to bring justice to all.
Inspired by the story "The Giver" by Lois Lowry.
AN: Not a ponified version of The Giver, just inspired by it.
Chapters (7)
This was a good read.
Like, fav, and follow!
4876234 Thanks! I'm heading back to school tomorrow, so updates should be every few days. Next update should be today or tomorrow!
4876285
Hello Lyra,
I am Robbieagray91 and I am here on the behalf of the Authors helping Authors to review your story:
Washed Away Review
Grammar: 8
For the most part I found very few grammar issues with your work. Sure there were a few areas were the word off was missing a “f” (this is the only example I can remember) but other than that I didn’t notice much.
Pros:
1. Firetta’s name is very unique compared to other OC names I have read and her description kind of reminds me of a certain Wonderbolt. Perhaps a connection will be drawn out later. I also like her character as she appears to be humble as it is not her section that mentions her family being rich but New Leaf’s section instead.
2. Your world building is very elegant. I like how it is your own world but also refer to elements that we know from the mlp universe. The weather team for example that is mentioned in the beginning and showing how the absence of one can affect a society (I am referring to the society in the Shanty mind you).
3. I like the symbolism of the triangle (perhaps there was/wasn’t any symbolism meant by it but I found some). Each of the characters is of one of the pony tribes. A Pegasus, Earth pony and unicorn. They are three close friends which can make the shape of a triangle, which is a structurally sturdy and safe symbol. Which makes it sad (This is good! Making the reader feel such emotions are good!) we the readers know that since only one male and one female will be selected that either Decadents or Firetta will be left behind.
Cons:
1. The statement concerning Bright Branch was a little confusing. I would recommend mentioning his name before mention that he is the middle brother. Also mentioning the names of the gang he joined might be good for future references.
2. Sadly each character seems to be introduced with details left unanswered before the story rushes on to the next character. I would recommend embellishing on each of the sections just to make them more rounded.
3. In addressing the con mentioned above I feel that Decadents’s background could have been drawn out more since a portion of it seems to just flesh out the other two characters. The only thing about her personality we notice is that she loves her friends and she has something for New Leaf.
Thoughts:
Note: These thoughts are just my personal opinions to be taken as you so choose.
I was kind of surprised how much this story reminded me of the Hunger Games. Not that that is a bad thing if that is what you were going for. However there were only a few similarities so if that wasn't what you were going for then don't worry about it.
One thing I noticed is that you contrasted the work the Firetta and Decadents do compared to what New Leaf does, which puzzled me about how they could be friends. In most societies individuals of “higher status” don’t like to intermingle with individuals of “lower status” and vice versa. So how they came to be friends kind of intrigues me. I would recommend explaining the reason behind this, or if you plan on doing that later hint at there being a reason behind this.
I also like some of the humorous moments thrown in like how a drunk unicorn that drowned isn’t a reliable source or the Decadents hits them all like bowling pins. I honestly did laugh at these moments.
Now while it is a little to early to review the whole story I will grade this chapter with 3 (out of 5) crazy pinkamena faces:
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Well, I hope the review was to your liking. If you could please review my story: The Mirror-Stone Wasteland (you don't have to review the whole thing just pick a chapter and I will be fine with that).
I will also be following you since I am curious about the what journey these three protagonists will be taking in the future.
Looking forward to reading more.
Fear not I will try to do another review for this chapter. However it is getting late (like really late) here so I actually need to get some sleep. I will try to review this for you tomorrow.
I am looking forward to reading it.
Washed Away review
Chapter 02 induction
WARNING! THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!
Grammar: 8/10
If did notice a few things. I will try to send a message to you concerning the few grammar issues I saw so you may change them.
Pros:
1. I like how you were able to show how our three protagonists became friends despite their varied backgrounds.
2. I enjoyed how you brought up that dilemma I mentioned earlier about how only 1 or 2 of these three friends could make it into the Society. It shows that the characters aren’t ignorant and saying things like: “Of we will all get in. They will make an exception for us.” They are all going into this knowing that one of them could end up being alone.
3. Despite actually watching the Hunger Games movie I was surprised by what happened at the end of this chapter. For a few reasons. First I thought that Firetta was the main character so to learn that it is actually Decadents (at least I am fairly sure she is the main character now… I will have to wait til the next chapter to see if I am wrong) was shocking. Even the fact that out of the three only Decadents gets picked was shocking because ever since I started reading chapter 1 I predicted it would be Firetta and New Leaf. I am serious I was so shocked by this twist that I actually ran around my house yelling: “What just happened! I was caught off guard (I generally am good at predicting how a story will go)! THIS IS AMAZING!”
Cons:
1. In the scene where Firetta’s dad saves new you had him use a shotgun. Now that is necessarily bad it just seems sort of convenient. Now I know you explained in the previous chapter that the Shanty can be rampant with crimes at times but seriously who takes a shotgun to their foal’s playdate? Perhaps if there was a story behind why the father carries a shotgun around with him all the time it would seem more believable.
2. Later in the chapter you describe the parents and while I appreciate that you described how the parent’s appearance I think some of their background should have been discussed as well. Boosy Banjo for example: you give us her appearance but never really described why she is called that. Sure her cutie mark has something to do with it but what about her personal life. Is she drink every chance she gets to the point of drunkenness or is it that she can drink alcohol and remain sober?
3. Decadents reaction to Scripted Scrolls talking about the past. It came as such a downer to me because it left me going: “Wait yeah you know this but I don’t! I don’t live in the Shanty and I don’t know your history! I want to know this!” *Robbie goes and cries in a corner. 10 minutes he returns.* Even if you had her doing some bored thought we she speeds over the whole thing that would be enlightening for the audience.
Personal thoughts:
One thing I keep on noticing are ponies with white coats. So I am a little puzzled why we keep seeing this. Because if there is a reason I am looking forward to finding out what it is later in the story. Otherwise I think it might be better to give some (not necessarily all mind you) of the white coated ponies some different colors instead. However if like I said earlier there is a mysterious reason for this that you plan on revealing to us in the future then ignore this statement.
Again I love the story and I am looking forward to seeing more. Just keep in mind that this is your world and unlike the ponies in it we the audience don’t know anything about it or its history.
Thank you and I hope you enjoyed this review of this chapter.
4885636 I just skipped the history because I want to make you wait
. Oh, and I got your message.
Setup is pretty okay
I'm likin' what I'm seein'!
4920717
4959241 Thanks! Trying to get the next chapter out in a few days....
I apologies that it has taken me long to review this chapter for you. I have been busy both with my story as well as a youtube MLP reading project that I have been working on.
Washed Away review
Chapter 03 outside and inside
WARNING! THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!
Grammar: 9/10
I only noticed two grammar issues in your story. I will try to send you a message showing them so you may address them quietly.
Pros:
1. I am glad that you covered how Decadent’s friends feel after the events of the previous chapter. Also the emotions you convey them having was expressed very well. When the reader feels the exact same emotions as the characters you have done your job well.
2. I also like how you embellished on Decadent’s background and kind of explains here feelings towards New.
3. I am also glad that once Decadents enters the society that our other two protagonists don’t go forgotten (in most stories like this the characters that are left behind are generally forgotten until several chapters down the line). The fact that details about the events that both parties are experiencing are good and I hope this continues on in future chapters.
Cons:
1. The environment inside the Society is interesting but I think it could use some more details.
2. In one section of your story Firetta and New are being chased, the next section takes place afterwards the two are safe in a cave. Personally I think more details could have gone into the chase especially the section with the gultch. I think it would have been better for you to “show” this happening (to the reader) rather than having it mentioned later.
3. The last section of the story was a little bit confusing as you stated they were trapped outside with no weapons, but weren’t they already outside of the society or is it that they are outside the Shanty in some other unknown terrain?
Personal thoughts:
What you did with the title was very interesting as you did “Outside and Inside” as opposed to something like Inside Out.
Is the pink mare with the cannon supposed to be a reference to Pinkie Pie? It almost sounds like something she would do.
Now I know this sounds like a broken record but I really do enjoy your story. I award this chapter with 4 out of 5 crazy pinkamena faces.
4965880 Thanks! I love to read your reviews! Oh, and Firetta and New were stuck outside the walls of the Shanty in an unknown terrain. Next chapter should be out in the next two days.
Hmm… I think I'll give my review as a PM. My thoughts on this are complicated, and there's no reason to make them public.
Sorry that I haven't reviewed this chapter yet. Things have been busy. I will try to do a review for you soon.
5033515 It's okay. I just put the second chapter out there because I had a whole day to work on it yesterday.
Washed Away review
Chapter 04 Shacks and Stacks
WARNING! THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!
Grammar: 9/10
I only noticed two grammar issues in your story. I will try to send you a message showing them so you may address them quietly.
Pros:
1. I like that when creating the buildings you only used a few members of the Mane Six and reframed from doing all of them. Just because that idea has been used way too much in other stories. It is also interesting that you picked Chrysalis to have her own building.
2. The world you have made within the Society has some great details. Smells, tastes and great imagery for the reader to think about. You also elaborated on Decadent’s character making her more interesting. Before this I thought of her being an awful lot like Rarity and now I can’t be sure whither to stick with that notion or if she is also like Twilight (perhaps it will be revealed that either Rarity or Twilight were one of her ancestors).
3. The scene with Firetta and New is also very well done. The atmosphere of them being outside is established pretty well and you actually worry about what they may find inside the shack.
Cons:
1. I think there could have been more details on Storm. So far it has been very lacking in information on him. We know he is a male pony that is pretty much it. We still don’t know his back story or what his desires are and I think this could have been a great time to do it.
2. I am a little puzzled as to why the pony New and Firetta met is a drinker. The only reason I have an issue with this is that it sounds like this area outside of the Shanty is very dangerous, so drinking could be a liability. Of course you could end up proving me wrong in a later chapter.
3. Personally I think the part of the story when New and Firetta inside the shack could have been a bit better. I am certain you could have provided a few more details inside the shack or given a reason for the lack of details, like perhaps the shack is still a little dark inside despite there being firelight.
Personal thoughts:
I am actually going to have to send you a PM on my personal thoughts because they may contain spoiler subject matter.