Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters

by WanderingPuffin

Exploring the Town

One hour later

If you know where to look you and who to talk to you can find anything in this city if you are willing to pay a price. The name given to me by the bitch that gave birth to me is Applebloom. That was all the bitch had to give unfortunately. I grew up in the shadows corruption casts on this city and now I make my living walking the grey area where the laws have no meaning. Places where ponies are not afraid to leave you for the parasprites if they think you are going to snitch on them. The sun beat down hard as if the Weather ponies had decided to go on strike. Since not even the scum likes to be out in the heat the streets were as clean and empty as a nun’s plot. I was keeping an eye out for my quarry; a hired gun who went by the name of Hawkeye.

“Um, Applebloom who are you talking to?” Scootaloo asked worried.

Applebloom turned pink. “Oh, sorry…for some reason I felt like monologing.”

“What do you mean shadow of corruption? We only have the one elected official and I don’t exactly see Mayor Mare leading a crime family.” Sweetie bell said grinning.

“Well what about all those “mares of easy virtue” in nurses’ outfits we passed by on the way here?”

“Those were actual nurses. The hospital lets them out for lunch at one.”

“Oh,” Applebloom looked almost disappointed at learning how safe the city she called home actually was. The trio of young fillies continued their search for the bounty hunter. They had wandered into the downtown edge of Ponyville which was as seedy as the town got. It was a very low level of seedy though. The three had wandered around the area looking for any sign of the bounty hunter. They were currently in front a bar called the “The Thirsty Griffon”. It had clearly seen better days as the sign was dented from rocks and cigarette butts littered the ground in front of the entrance. Nervously the three fillies entered and by some stroke of luck saw Hawkeye standing at the bar.

“Did you see him or not?” He said gratingly at the bartender a huge specimen of pony with an eye-patch covering one side of his face and hair cropped as short as it could be.

“I didn’t see nothing,” The bartender shot back more focused polishing his bar’s counter.

“So you did see something?”

The bartender snorted. “What are you an English teacher?”

“No, I’m a dentist. I use a sledgehammer to remove the teeth of ponies dumb enough to lie to me.”
The bartender looked up from his polishing and both ponies aimed death glares that could level buildings at one another. The three fillies looked around the bar. It was early enough in the day that it was mostly empty. The walls were plastered with a collection of band posters, political flyers and accumulated filth from years of operating. A pool table and a wooden table occupied by three muscled earth ponies playing poker filled up the bar’s space.

“Okay, maybe we can take them if we have the element of surprise,” Applebloom said intimidated by the huge ponies in front of them.

“…Um Applebloom,” Sweetie Bell said nervously as Applebloom ran over to a rack of pool cues. The little pony wasted no time in grabbing one.

“Hawkeye,” She shouted the pool cue brandished like a spear between her fore hooves. Both Hawkeye and the bartender turned to the source of the shout the bartender reaching for something hidden underneath the bar. The previous tension between them dissolved into a stream of gut busting laughter though as they saw the filly accusing them. Applebloom was trying to look menacing but the size difference between her and the pool cue made her less like a wild and crazy action hero and more like the advance guard for the lollipop guild.

“Daww,” that bartender said, “Did you bring your little sister along to help out?”

“She isn’t with me,” Hawkeye tried to protest.

“Whatever, she breaks anything and you’re paying for it.”

“What?” The bounty hunter looked scared for the first time. This seemed appropriate as Applebloom decided to try advancing on them. Unfortunately, the pool cue caught on her feet and caused her to trip and fall against a side of the poker table tipping it and spilling chips and beer everywhere. The little filly’s friends gasped.

“I’ll get a rag,” Sweetie bell said running behind the bar causing the bigger bartender to jump back against the rows of liquor bottles behind him. This broke the shelf sending dozens of bottles to the cement floor and breaking about half. Scootaloo on the other hand chose to go to Applebloom her hoof catching on an extension cord connected to a neon Clydesdale beer sign snapping the chain holding it up. The sign fell to the floor breaking on impact into hundreds of little glass fragments.

“Oops,” the three fillies all intoned at once. Hawkeye looked like he was on the verge of running away in panic. The bartender meanwhile seemed almost gleeful at the destruction of his bar.

“Looks like I get to close early today,” He said looking over the wreckage.

“What makes you think you are going to get me to pay? They aren’t mine.”

“You are going to pay because they know you and because you want the info I have on the pony you are looking for,” The bartender said a smug smirk on his face. “You can start by buying a new round of beers for my friends.” The bar tender said gesturing at the three ponies who were now surrounding the bounty hunter. The bounty hunter reached into a pocket in his vest and felt around for the black jack he kept hidden in there. The three ponies behind him were big but they looked like farm ponies so probably not a lot of combat training between them. The bartender looked like an ex fighter so that was going to be trouble. This was going to be a tricky job. His best bet was to cause confusion with a level of violence beyond what they were expecting and then run. He braced himself to be able to buck harder.
He narrowed his eyes. “I am going to give you plotholes one chance to…”

“Did you know that this license back here is expired?” Sweetie Bell said still behind the bar. The bartender lost his grin.
The bounty hunter looked a little less forlorn, “Okay, new plan you give me the information and I don’t inform my friends in law enforcement about you. We both walk away happy.”

“Damn, kids” the bartender said shooing the Sweetie Bell out from behind the bar. “Okay, idiot comes in last night. Real lightweight he started shooting his mouth off after only a few beers. He said something about pulling the biggest job of his life and going to see an old flame of his called Punky Pie.”

“Okay, kiddies follow me. Apparently I’m now responsible for you idiots.” Hawkeye shouted walking out into the sunlight the three fillies followed him bounding happily knowing they had succeeded in getting a clue. Once out of the bar Hawkeye turned to face his charges. “Okay, who are you morons and why are you following me?”

“We are the CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” The three fillies shouted. “I’m Sweetie Bell and this is Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.” She pointed to her two friends. “We are all trying to get our cutie marks and we heard about the criminal in town and we are hunting him down for the reward so that we can get the bounty and then we are sure to get bounty hunter cutie marks.”

“It doesn’t work like that you idiots.” Hawkeye said facehoofing as he cursed in some sort of tongue. “Look, I can’t just let you guys wander around here. Where are your parents?”

“No idea,” said Applebloom.

“I’m staying with my sister,” said Sweetie Bell.

“Chicken coop,” said Scootaloo.

The strange answers stunned the bounty hunter.“ …Well, then let’s go to them.” The bounty hunter said hopeful that he could pass the three to somebody.

“Well Mr. No Name, we could do that or we could take you to Punky Pie,” Scootaloo said. The bounty hunter looked pained as he weighed his options of getting paid and or not having to spend another moment with these talkative natural disasters. Eventually his desire to keep his apartment and eat won out.

"Fine, lead away,” he said hanging his head. The three fillies did not seem to get the message that the pony did not want to be around him and walked in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner continually asking questions and running in circles around him. Hawkeye ignored them but they didn’t seem to get that message either.

“So how did you get your cutie mark?”

“Have you heard of Rainbow Dash? She is like the greatest flyer ever!”

“What is Manehatten like?”

“Have you ever shot anypony?”

“Do you have a special somepony?”

“Why are you wearing only blue? Can I get armor like that?”

“Isn’t it hot wearing all of that armor?”

“Do you have a sword?”

“Do you like apples?”

“Do you know any dragons? Spike is a dragon I know but we hardly ever get to hang out.”

Eventually he couldn’t stand it anymore. “Kids, you are drilling a hole in my brain. How do ponies put up with you?”

“They usually mutter something about our sisters being friends with Celestia.”

He sighed, “Are we close to Punky Pie?”

“Right in there mister,” Scootaloo said pointing at Sugar Cube Corner. The bounty hunter ran flat out to the door hoping to ditch the three problems behind him. The three problems on the other hand chose to stand against the wall next to entrance and cover their ears with their hooves. “Three…two…one” Scootaloo counted. A loud boom was heard and Hawkeye came flying out of the building covered in confetti. The three ponies went over to the side of their new friend.

“What… the heck… just happened?” Hawkeye asked wiping himself with his hooves trying to piece together the pink blur that had shot him with a…cannon? Who shoots somepony with a cannon? He had never had to deal with one before.

“Pinkie gets excited when she meets new ponies.” Applebloom said trying to explain.

“And people say Manehattan has the crazies,” Hawkeye picked himself up trying to shake off the glitter.

“Oops, I’m sorry about that new friend. The cannon is new! And I needed a party because I don’t know you and I know everypony…” Pinkie said running out of the shop. She jumped up and down next to Hawkeye as he continued to try to clean himself up.

“Hey Pinkie, did you once go by Punky?” Sweetie Bell asked the pink pony. Pinkie upon hearing the name immediately began to break out into a sweat.

“Of course not girls, I have never heard of Punky Pie” her eyes began to dart around.

“The girl asked about Punky how did you know it was Punky Pie?” Hawkeye said surprised he actually got to use the old trick. He hoped that he could convince the pony to play poker with him before he left. He had never seen such a bad bluff.

“OH, okay I admit it,” Pinkie said collapsing into a puddle. “I swear that if you girls tell your sisters about this then no more cookies EVER! That was a past life.”

“What’s the story?” Hawkeye asked raising an eyebrow. The CMC crowded around Pinkie It was juicy enough that even the dire threat of no cookies couldn’t stop them from being interested.

“Well before I came to Ponyville I lived in Manehatten. I was a filly fresh off the farm. It seemed like a good place to start out and full of parties. I found a busted up apartment with a bunch of other girls and a day job in a bakery. We were all broke and the only way for me to party with any regularity was to play with a band. We would go out and play some gig and in exchange we were allowed to stay and party. None of us could really play or sing so we stuck to punk rock.”

“Huh?” Sweetie asked.

“All you need is three cords and the truth,” Hawkeye said stealing that one with a smile.

“DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS!” Pinkie said slightly panicking and bounding straight up in the air somehow. “Pinkie Pie didn’t sound tough enough to be a punk rocker so I became Punky Pie,” she cocked her head. “How did you guys find out about Punky? I haven’t gone by the name in years.”

“We’re Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters!” Scootaloo said punching a hoof in the air.

“This is not going to end well,” Pinkie said flatly.

“Really? I thought the pinkie sense only worked on immediate things.” Sweetie Bell said curious.

“I don’t need the pinkie sense for this. Not after that fireworks incident.” Pinkie said rolling her eyes.
Hawkeye cut in, “Miss, I’m Hawkeye. I’m a bond recovery agent for Sunshine Bail Bonds over in Manehatten. A mister Crabapple missed his court date and I’ve been assigned to bring him back.”
Pinkie lost her perpetual grin. “Luna take that jackass. He was one of the reasons I left Manehatten.”

“Did you date my cousin?” Applebloom said brimming with the idea of what the gossip could do. Pinkie’s expression however gave another meaning to the words that the Cutie Mark Crusaders would not understand until much later in life.

“He was a mistake. Biggest one I had ever made.” Pinkie focused on the bounty hunter. “Why are you letting little fillies follow you on this job?”

“Sorry, that isn’t how this works, you answer the questions of the well-armed pony first and then you get to ask me questions. It’s cleaner this way,” Hawkeye took a seat. “When did you last meet Crabapple?”

“He showed up this morning. He acted like I was an old friend and asked to borrow my friendship wagon.”

“Did you let him?”

“No way, I aimed the cannon at him and told him to leave. I got chewed out by Mrs. Cake for threatening customers.”

“You shoot every stallion that comes into your bakery with that thing?” Hawkeye asked raising an eyebrow. He was somewhat surprised at the lackluster quality of Ponyville’s justice system.

“I don’t usually stick the silverware in the cannon first.”

“You know what he was going to do with the wagon?”

“I didn’t want to know.” Pinkie frowned.

“Fair enough, and as for your question the idiot squad decided to try busting up a bar to threaten me. I didn’t want to leave in that part of town so now I’m looking for someone to take them.”

“Ahh,” Pinkie said softly.

“Thanks for the pity,” Hawkeye said sarcastically. “If you are so close with them could you point me in the direction of the ponies responsible for their wellbeing?”

“It isn’t pity. It is just so cute that you think you can stop them from causing havoc. Let me know what the final damage is before you leave town,” Pinkie said bounding back into the shop. Hawkeye felt his legs turn to jelly.

“Kids, what exactly was the fireworks incident she referred to?”

“It was nothing we swear!” Applebloom said going from zero to panic in three seconds flat.

“I mean compared to the time we brainwashed our teacher and she almost ended up married.” Sweetie Bell said quickly, “or the time we were exposed as the gossip columnist who managed to find dirt on the entire town. “

“If you look at it side by side with that time we set Discord loose it was barely a blip,” Scootaloo added. The three took a second and suddenly realized what exactly they were saying. This caused them to all spout off new explanations at once.

“You have to understand it wasn’t really all our fault. Rainbow Dash was trying to win a bet that Fluttershy actually could herd cats…”

“…Those bunnies made a full recovery...”

“Celestia seemed okay with being covered in chocolate pudding …well sort of…”

“Stop,” Hawkeye shouted cutting them all off. “Apparently, you guys cause more trouble than dime cider nights. So, here is what is going to happen. You idiots are going to take me to the nearest adult who is responsible for you. You are going to stay with them and think nice happy thoughts. Then you are going to grow up, find some nice colts and spend the rest of your life avoiding me. In exchange I will buy you all cookies. Deal?” he asked trying to figure out why no one had decided to ship them to a boarding school somewhere far far away.

“Deal,” the CMC agreed.

Hawkeye sighed, “And if I find myself married through whatever voodoo you do when I leave Ponyville I will find you guys and…” He reached a blank trying to figure out a punishment that was bad enough to scare them without causing unneeded trouble from the police. He shoved his face right next to the CMC, “convince your parents to feed you nothing but broccoli for the next five years.”
The CMC gulped.