A Moment of Regret
I don’t know how long I just sat there, waiting in my tower. I thought about running, but I doubted that would’ve done any good. The teleportation spell Celestia had taught me would let me get out of the palace, but that was only the first step. Even if I could manage to hide from whatever divination magic Celestia used to try and follow me, she had the resources of all of Equestria at her disposal. I didn’t like my odds of getting away from the entire Royal Guard, the Equestrian Intelligence Service, the Magi Corps, and whoever else she could send out looking for me.
Besides, even if I could’ve gotten away, I wanted to face her. I wanted to hear what she had to say for herself, and there were things I wanted to say to her. Even if it ended with her casting me out as her student, I’d rather look her in the eye than run away.
I had just finished halfheartedly poking at my dinner when heavy armored hooves started pounding on my door. I opened it up and found myself face-to-face with two of the larger, more intimidating members of the Solar Guard—Celestia’s personal bodyguard unit. The senior of the two turned to me, his voice all business and devoid of the respect I’d become accustomed to. “Sunset Shimmer. Princess Celestia requires your presence. At once.”
My throat was so dry from nerves it took a couple tries before I could manage a proper response. “Yeah. Okay, I’m coming.” As I stepped out the two guards fell into place alongside me. On any other day it would’ve felt like an honor guard, but on that day it felt more like I was a prisoner being escorted to the gallows.
I was a bit surprised when they led me towards the throne room instead of Celestia’s personal quarters. That didn’t bode well for me; if she was using the throne room for a personal meeting, then she was almost certainly planning to lay down the law.
I slowly trudged forward into the throne room, intently studying the carpet at my hooves. Once we reached the steps of the throne, I came to a halt. After a few seconds the guards turned about, leaving me alone with the princess.
Once it was clear Celestia wasn’t going to say anything, I dug up enough courage to stop staring at my hooves and actually meet her eyes. Celestia was perched on her throne, glowering down at me with open disapproval. I shrank down against the carpet, but there was no escaping her now. It was all I could do not to break down sobbing and beg for forgiveness right then and there. “Sunset Shimmer, do you know why I have summoned you?”
I shuffled my hooves like a filly who’d been caught stealing from the cookie jar. “Yeah.”
Her scowl deepened. “Would you kindly tell me what you did?”
My voice came out as a small, ashamed mumble. “I burned Cadenza.”
Unsurprisingly, Princess Celestia didn’t find my barely-audible murmured confession satisfactory. “I cannot hear you. Louder.”
I spoke up. “I burned Cadenza.”
Celestia gave a slight nod to show that I’d at least managed an acceptable volume, though there was a long way left to go before I was out of the doghouse. “Yes, you did. Do you know how painful it is to suffer a burn wound, my student? A real one, like the one you gave Cadance?”
“Kinda,” I lamely offered. “I mean, I've burned myself a couple times, while I was practicing my magic. Never as bad as she got hurt, but...” I trailed off, realizing how utterly inadequate my own excuses sounded. I tried to think of something else to say, and the words spilled out of the mouth. “I didn't mean to hurt her! Well, I did, but I didn’t mean to hurt her that much! It was accident! I just got really mad and—”
Celestia cut me off before I could get any further. “An accident is when you're practicing a spell, and something unintended happens. What happened earlier today was no accident. You attacked Cadance. She offered you her hoof in friendship, and you answered her by burning that hoof.” Her tone hardened, and the glare she directed down at me intensified. “You used the very magic I taught you to launch an unprovoked attack on an innocent pony! I am appalled and utterly ashamed of the use you put my training to. I cannot imagine anything from our time together that would have made you think it was appropriate to attack another pony for any reason other than to defend yourself or another.”
I slunk down lower, until my belly was practically brushing the carpet. “I didn’t use my magic the way you taught me to.”
“Precisely,” she agreed, not letting up one iota with her condemning glower from atop her throne. “Please, explain why you thought it was acceptable to make an unprovoked attack against an innocent pony, in direct contradiction of everything I have ever taught you.”
“I lost my temper,” I admitted. “She said I didn’t deserve to be a princess and I just ... snapped.”
“Does that make your actions acceptable, then?” Celestia demanded. “Should I overlook everything you’ve done just because you lost your temper? Cadance will carry the scars from your attack for the rest of her life. Her coat will grow back over the scars on her body, but that’s not all that you hurt. She might be the same age as you, but she her heart is still innocent. You stole that innocence away from her. Her leg will heal, but a wound to the heart is a far more difficult thing to predict.”
I was starting to wish I’d decided differently on the whole running away thing. I’d wanted to face Celestia, but the more I listened to her, the worse I felt about everything that had happened. It sounded like Celestia hated me now, like I’d become some kind of complete monster. I’d made a bad decision, but that didn’t mean I was a bad pony, right?
A bit of the harshness left Celestia’s voice, replaced with quiet disappointment that hurt just as much. “Sunset, you are a pony with incredible magical talents. Perhaps you should think about what it would be like for other ponies to be around a pony who may injure them, severely, simply because you ‘lost your temper’? Think what might have happened if your spell had struck Cadance in the face instead of one of her legs.” I winced as I imagined the potential damage in vivid detail. “It’s the same reason ponies with your level of talent aren’t allowed to drink to excess: having power comes with an attendant duty to use that power responsibly. I’m sure I don’t need to explain just how much pain and suffering you could cause if you continue to use your pyromancy so recklessly.”
She slowly stepped down from her throne, approaching me. “I made you my student so that you could learn to fulfill your potential. Because I hoped that one day you would be able to take what I taught you to help the ponies around you, to make their lives better. You have the ability to do so, but you need to show wisdom in how you use your power and abilities. For all that you know about how to use magic, you still haven’t learned why.”
By this point I felt utterly miserable, so I said the only thing I could think of that might fix it. “I'm sorry, Princess Celestia. For misusing everything you taught me. For hurting Cadenza. Everything.”
Celestia finished coming down the stairs from her throne, standing directly before me. Then she extended a hoof and helped me back up to a proper standing position. “Apologizing to me is only the first step, my student. One on a long path we're going to have to take.”
I bit of the tension left my body at her choice of words. I still asked for confirmation, though. “I'm still your student, right? You're not gonna throw me out?”
Princess Celestia shook her head and offered me a small reassuring smile. “Of course not. You have made a mistake; all ponies do, and I do not give up on my little ponies because they made a single mistake. If I did, I would have given up on all of ponykind.” I let out a relieved sigh, but that was when the other horseshoe dropped. Celestia’s smile vanished, and her voice went from gentle and understanding to firm and authoritative. “Though let me make it very clear that you are going to need to make amends for your actions. I will forgive you, but you must face the consequences of what you have done. I expect you to start by apologizing to Cadance.”
I answered that with a resigned sigh—I wasn’t looking forward to it, but it wasn’t a surprise that an apology was one of the things Celestia expected. “Yeah,” I answered. “Sure, I’ll apologize to her.”
Celestia noticed my distinct lack of enthusiasm, and the disapproving frown reappeared on her face. “And I expect a sincere apology from you, Sunset. Otherwise it is nothing more than a collection of empty, meaningless words. As part of your new assignment, you will attend to Cadance until she is fully healed. You will treat her with respect and with kindness, even if she treats you the way you treated her in the events leading up to your attack. Though I would hope she is better than that, I could hardly blame her for feeling bitter towards you. If she is, I expect you to address and resolve that problem as part of your penance.”
I tried not to show just how much I didn’t like that rule, but I’m pretty sure my ears flicking gave me away. Bad enough that I was gonna be stuck playing nursemaid, but I also had to just sit there and take any insults Cadenza decided to dish out? How was that fair?
Celestia interrupted my thoughts, her voice utterly uncompromising. “Do you understand me, Sunset?”
“Yeah, I understand.” I didn’t like it, but I definitely understood it. Before I could think better of it, a question tumbled out of my mouth. “Why does she get to be a princess? She never did anything to earn it!”
Celestia took her time answering me. “Cadance has done a great deal to earn her ascension. Just because you were not present to witness those acts does not mean they did not happen. And more so than her actions, she ascended because it was her destiny to become an alicorn and thus a princess.”
There was that destiny word again. Well as long as we were on the subject... “Is it my destiny to become an alicorn princess too?” I’d suspected as much for a long time, but after everything that had happened I wanted—no, I needed confirmation.
Celestia was quiet for so long that I was starting to wonder if I needed to repeat the question before she finally gave me an answer. “You have the potential to become that, yes. But you are a long way from fulfilling that potential right now, and you’ve taken the first steps on a path that might deny you that opportunity entirely.”
My jaw dropped at that news. She was thinking of taking away my destiny because of what happened with Cadenza? “Why? Why are you taking it away from me? Haven't I done everything you wanted me to do? Haven't I studied every day for years?” I’d planned on trying to keep calm and quiet, but pretty soon I was shouting at her. “Cadenza hasn't had to do a lick of work to earn her princesshood, and she doesn’t have a clue about how to be a princess! She doesn’t know anything about politics or magic, but you still made her a princess! I have to work my plot off for a decade, then you tell me I'm still not good enough! How is that fair?”
Celestia let a patient sigh, the way she did whenever I was having a hard time figuring out one of her lessons. “Becoming an alicorn is not something you can earn by studying books and learning spells. Ascension changes who and what a pony is on a fundamental level. It's as much about the journey as the final goal. Cadance has managed to finish her journey, and I plan on helping you to do the same in time. Do not compare yourself to Cadance; hers was a different road than your own, but one no less worthy of respect and admiration.” A slight frown crossed her face, and she added, “If you would judge her for lacking your skill with magic, I would point out that were the situation reversed, you would be a far poorer flier than her.”
Okay, maybe she had a point about Cadenza’s magic. That didn’t mean she was right about everything else, though. “Yeah, sure Cadenza took a different path or whatever. That’s why now I’m getting demoted to being her tutor and nurse.”
Celestia stepped over to my side and wrapped a wing around me. “Sunset, I’m not doing this merely to punish or humiliate you. I want you to make amends with Cadance for your own sake. Please, spend time with her. I think you will find that you have just as much to learn from her as she has to learn from you. I promise, it will help you on your own journey. In all honesty, that is one of the reasons why I brought her to Canterlot and had her live in the palace: to help you.”
I pulled out from under her wing, letting out an angry little growl. “I’m supposed to learn from her? You have to be kidding! She doesn't know a single thing about magic! I’ve seen unmarked fillies who knew more than she does! The only thing she knows anything about is love and friendship.” I let out a contemptuous snort. “Yeah, her love and friendship did a great job stopping that fireball I chucked at her.” An instant after the words left my mouth I regretted them, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to apologize or take them back.
Celestia frowned and let out an exasperated little huff. “Do not underestimate love and friendship. For they are far more powerful than you may realize. For all that you know of spellcasting, I’m afraid you still do not understand the more powerful forms of magic.” She conjured a ball of fire and let it hover in front of my face. “Do you think this is power, Sunset? I assure you, the ability to make a bit of fire is child’s play compared to what love and friendship can create.”
“That’s what I keep hearing,” I grumbled under my breath. “So far I haven’t seen much evidence for it, though. Just a lot of talk.”
Celestia let out a frustrated little huff. “Friendship isn’t something you can understand by reading about it in a book or sticking it under a microscope, Sunset. And it is something you need to experience if you ever want to fulfill your destiny. I’d hoped getting you out of your tower would help with that, but as much as I enjoyed having you at my side on a daily basis, the results were ... unsatisfactory. That was my failing; I can give you so many things to help you grow, but I cannot give you friendship. That is something you have to discover for yourself, though I had hoped Cadance might be able to help you.”
I still wasn’t sure whether I believed her claim that she’d hoped elevating Cadance would help me, given what an obvious slap in the face it was. Though I guess Celestia hadn’t seen things that way. “If all that’s true, then why did you adopt her?”
“A few reasons,” Celestia answered calmly. “First and foremost is that she does not have any family—she was an orphan, raised in a small earth pony village. There were many ponies who loved her and whom she loved in return, but she never had a proper family.” She paused for a minute to let that sink in. I guess I was supposed to feel sorry for her, now that I knew she was orphan. I mean, being an orphan was sad and all, but everypony has problems they need to deal with. You don’t see me running around demanding everypony feel sad for me just because my parents didn’t do a very good job of raising me. I just dealt with it and moved on.
“Furthermore,” Celestia continued, “I believe it would be best if all the alicorns remain tied to the royal household in some way. It will help the ponies of Equestria accept her and give her the authority she will need to help rule Equestria. ‘Princess Cadance, niece of Princess Celestia’ commands respect far more easily than Cadance could in her own right.”
My ears perked up at that. She’d adopted Cadance because she wanted all of the alicorn princesses to be part of the royal family, and since she’d already said I would be a princess too one day... “Does that mean you'll adopt me once I become an alicorn?”
If she really did that, then as wrong as things had gone over the past couple days, it would still be okay. Every family has problems, right? And honestly, half of why I wanted to be an alicorn and a princess so much was that it would ensure me a place at her side. Plus—well, you know what they say about foals wanting to grow up being just like their parents...
Celestia dropped down until she was eye-level with me, and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Sunset, you are my student, and I love you dearly.” She closed her eyes, and voice turned firm, though no less gentle. “However, you need to accept that I am your teacher, not a replacement for your mother. I don’t want you neglecting your real family to chase after some fantasy where I replace your parents. It’s not a healthy desire.”
I flinched back as if she’d slapped me across the face. All this time I’d assumed she felt the same way I did. Sure, she’d never said it, but that was because she didn’t want to insult my parents or was hoping I could work things out with them. I had never dreamed that it was because she just didn’t want to be my mother. “Why are you doing this to me? Why don’t you want to ... to ... Why don’t you want me!?”
Celestia sighed and pulled me into a hug. “Sunset, as your teacher it is my duty to do what is best for you. Even if you don't see it at first. Even if it hurts you. Please, calm down. I see now there is much we need to talk about.”
“Calm down?” I shoved her back, freeing myself from her grasp. “You reject me and cast me aside like yesterday’s trash, and then you ask me to calm down? You expect me to just calmly accept the insults you’ve heaped upon me ever since that Cadenza nag showed up? You’ve demoted me from your protégé to a mere trainer for the pony you really care about! But apparently I should just ‘calm down’ because no reasonable pony would be upset by something like that!”
“Sunset, listen to me!” Celestia grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to meet her eyes. “You are still my student. That hasn’t changed, and it will never change. The only thing that’s different is what I want you to learn about. You are not being demoted, replaced, cast aside, or anything of that nature.”
“You say that, but we both know it isn't true!” It felt like my entire world was crashing down around me. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t think of any way to fix it. Hay, I could barely even remember how to breathe, let alone actually think things through rationally. “What did I do wrong? I thought I was a good student! Do I need to study harder? Did I mess up on one of your tests? Did I say the wrong thing one of the times we were out in public together? Tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it! Please! I can still fix it, and then you can adopt me and everything will be fine! Just tell me what I need to do!” I planted my hooves on her chest. “It’s not fair! How can I fix it when you won’t tell me what to do?”
“Sunset, calm yourself. Please.” Celestia squeezed my shoulders. “You don’t need to do anything right now. You are still very precious to me—you always have been, and you always will be. You made a mistake with Cadance, but you haven’t failed me. If anything, I have failed you.”
I snarled and slapped her hooves away. “If that were true, then why am I going from a future princess to a tutor and a nurse for the pony you really care about? You say I’m important, but she’s the one you adopted, the one you made into a princess!”
Something fell into place for me, and I realized what she must be building up to. Sure, she wasn’t getting rid of me yet, but she was laying the groundwork for it. Why else would she need a spare princess around unless she was thinking of getting rid of me? I felt some wall of inner restraint within my mind collapse as I realized what was happening. “You can't take my destiny, my princesshood away from me! You promised it to me! It's mine!”
“Sunset Shimmer!” Instead of gentle concern, there was iron-hard authority in Celestia’s voice now. She wasn’t looking at me like I was just an angry little filly throwing a temper tantrum now. She was worried. Maybe even scared. Good. She should be scared. I wasn’t some filly she could jerk around without facing any consequences. “I have taken nothing from you, Sunset. Once you are worthy, you will become a princess. Nothing has changed if you do not make it change. Losing your temper and yelling at me does nothing to help your chances.”
She still thought she could lecture me? After everything she’d done, everything she put me through? “I've worked for a decade to earn my destiny. A decade. Every single day, for ten years. I studied hard. I remembered every single thing you taught me, even the thing like your lessons about friendship that didn’t make any sense! I've earned princesshood! I deserve it! More than that nag Cadenza ever did! Give it to me!”
Celestia drew herself up to her full height and broke out the tone she usually only used whenever she needed to assert her authority as supreme ruler of Equestria. “That is enough, Sunset Shimmer! I am certainly not going to make you a princess just because you throw a temper tantrum like a little filly who isn’t getting her way. You will return to your tower at once and remain there until you can conduct yourself with the level of basic maturity I expect from a mare your age.” When I didn’t immediately run off to obey her orders, she stomped a hoof hard enough to crack the marble floor beneath it. “Now, young lady!”
I almost obeyed on pure instinct. The sheer presence and force of personality Princess Celestia could exert when she wanted to was almost physically overwhelming. Thankfully, I knew her well enough that I was used to dealing with her, even when she was throwing around her royal authority. “No!” I shouted at her, and my horn flared to life as I instinctively conjured more fire. “I won’t let you treat me like a bucking two-year-old! Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? Everything I've done, every single moment of my life from the day we met, all I've ever wanted to do was to make you proud! I studied every day, practiced my spells until I was ready to drop from exhaustion, just so I could get your approval! If you take that away from me I have nothing! I am nothing!” I lashed out at her with a wild blast. “See how much I've learned! Are you proud of me now?!”
Celestia was no Cadenza; the instant she saw my attack, she deflected it upward, where it slammed against the ceiling without harming anything more than mural painted on the throne room’s ceiling. Her eyes narrowed, and when she spoke the sheer volume and power of her voice nearly knocked me off my hooves. “Sunset Shimmer! You will stop this at once, or so help me—”
“I’m not taking any more orders from you!” I snarled as I gathered every bit of heat I could, until frost covered the windows and icicles began forming on the ceiling. “If you have anything left to say, then tell me how proud you are!” I unleashed the fire, hammering futilely against Celestia’s unbreakable defense. “Tell me how much you love me!” Glass shattered as I followed the flames with a dozen daggers of ice, which she brushed aside with a flick of her horn. “Tell me about the great destiny you’re going to help me fulfill!” I telekinetically grabbed the window shards and hurled it at her, to no more effect than any of my other attacks. “Tell me how I’m the daughter you never had!”
I kept pounding uselessly against her defenses until I could barely manage more than a few feeble sparks of magic. It didn’t help that all the fire I’d thrown at her had probably used up most of the oxygen in the room, leaving me gasping for air. More than that, I just felt ... empty. Drained. Like after I’d hurled all of my rage at her, there was nothing else left. Just a huge, gaping hole in the middle of my chest that I had no idea how to fill.
Celestia stepped forward, her horn glowing, conjuring golden chains of pure light. Even if there had been anything left in me to fight back with, I would’ve been as helpless against her as Cadenza had been against me. Instead I just sat there and let the chains bind me. One smaller chain wrapped around my horn, containing my magic just as effectively as the rest of the chains trapped my body.
Celestia slowly strode forward, a steady flow of magic coming off her horn to hold me in place. Her voice trembled as she spoke. “Sunset ... my beloved student.” She came a halt in front of me, one hoof rising half off the ground as if she wanted to caress me or pull me into a hug before she remembered why she couldn’t. “What madness has overtaken you? Please, talk to me. I want to help you. I never wanted to hurt you or make you think I didn’t care. Have I truly been so blind to the troubles growing within your heart, that this is the only way you could reach me?”
I wanted to be mad at her, but I couldn’t find the energy for it anymore. All I wanted to do was go back to my tower, curl up in my bed and cry. “You don't want to help me.” I struggled against the chains, but it was a token effort. Even if the chains weren’t there, I don’t think I could’ve summoned the energy to make it more than five steps before I collapsed.
Celestia froze at my words, and her hoof slowly dropped back to ground. “Of course I do. More than you realize. I love you with all my heart. Sunset, if you could just see yourself as I see you—you have the potential to do so much good, bring so much joy to so many ponies.” She concentrated and teleported an adamantine inhibitor ring to her side. “That was what blinded me. All I saw was your potential for greatness, and all I could think about was how unbelievably proud of you I was. I loved you too much to see the darkness growing in your heart. I have failed you, but I promise that I will do everything in my power to make this right.”
Despite all her kind words, my eyes were fixed on the inhibitor ring. Those were only used when a unicorn’s magic needed to be locked away for a substantial period of time. “You're going to put me in jail? Why not send me to the moon instead? That’s what you do when ponies you say you love let you down, isn’t it?”
Celestia recoiled at the words, and the flow of magic to her binding spells halted. “You attacked me, Sunset. Yesterday, you badly burned Cadance. You need help, and I can’t risk you hurting anypony else while I’m trying to find the best way to help you. I need time to understand what went wrong and what measures I must take to correct it. I swear to you, I will make this right, but first you let me help you. Please, Sunset.”
“By putting me in prison?” The despair that had all but paralyzed me vanished, replaced by pure terror and the animal instinct to escape. “No! You can’t lock me up in your dungeons!” I threw everything I could, both magically and physically, against the spells holding me down. Normally, I wouldn’t have had a prayer, but her concentration had already broken. Without maintenance, any spell can eventually be overpowered, even Princess Celestia’s. I was one of the strongest unicorns in Equestria, after all.
Celestia jumped in surprise as her chains shattered. “No! This will not happen again! Never again! I am not going to lose you too, Sunset!” When I realized what she was talking about, I grew even more terrified. I could see her readying her magic once more, and I knew she wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. If I didn’t get out of here now, I would be spending the rest of my life in the palace dungeons. Or worse—I knew how that story with her sister had ended.
“You’re right.” I prepared the only spell I could think of that might give me a chance of escaping. “It won’t happen again. I won’t let it.”
I teleported out of the throne room, and back to my tower.
I knew I needed to keep moving. I’d learned that spell from Celestia, so it wouldn’t be shocking if she had some way of finding out where I’d gone. And even if she didn’t, my tower would probably be the very first place she looked. It was my home, my refuge. Plus, all my things were here. I didn’t want to go on the run without taking so much as a coinpurse with me. I didn’t want to go on the run at all, but what choice did I have? It was that or familiarize myself with the inside of the palace dungeons. Assuming I didn’t just end up keeping Nightmare Moon company.
I tried to focus on what I needed to pack, but I just had no idea. Yesterday, I never would’ve considered what I might need to live as a fugitive. Pretty much everything I’d ever needed had been provided by Celestia. I wasn’t completely sheltered, but I was used to having things taken care of. I’d never had to worry about whether I would still have a roof over my head, or where my next meal would come from. What would I do once I ran out of bits? Pretty much all I really knew how to do was use magic, and showing off the full extent of magical talents would make it easy to find me. But I couldn’t just do without my magic either; it was who I was!
I needed to calm down and think this all through rationally. Easier said than done. I’d just attacked Celestia! What the hay had I been thinking? Something clamped down on my chest, and I could barely breathe as the world swam around me. I had attacked the mare who was, in everything but blood, my mother! What was wrong with me? No wonder Celestia wanted to throw me in the dungeons!
I started grabbing whatever I could find and frantically shoving it into a garbage bag. I should’ve used a suitcase, but I couldn’t remember where I’d put mine. There wasn’t any time to think about it, Celestia would be here any minute now! I had to run! Run and find somewhere so hidden and so far away that she would never find me.
Did I even deserve to get away, after everything I’d done? Maybe I should be locked up in prison, or sent to the moon. That’s what I would say should happen to anypony else who had attacked Celestia.
No. I couldn’t afford to think that. I couldn’t afford to think. I needed to run!
Then I heard the fizzling pop that Celestia’s personal teleportation spell always produced, and saw the flash of light that accompanied it. Too late to run. Celestia’s hoof dropped onto my shoulder. “Sunset, stop this. You aren't behaving rationally.”
I growled and shrugged the hoof off. “Leave me alone! I never want to see you again!” I went back to shoving everything I could think of into my impromptu luggage.
Celestia let out a huff and used her own magic to rip open my bag, spilling everything I’d packed up back onto the floor. “I am not going to let you run away like a child who wants her parents’ attention.” She sighed and dropped down to eye-level with me. “Sunset, I understand you’re upset, please believe me when I say I understand that. But this is not the way to handle this. Please, just calm down and talk to me. I’m not mad about what happened back in the throne room, and I’m not going to lock you up or send you to the moon. I just want you to calm down. You’re scared, hurt, and you’re lashing out in a way that makes you a danger to everypony around you—but most of all yourself.”
“I don’t believe you!” I shrieked at her. Spells had done nothing, and trying to hit her with my hooves would’ve been just as useless, so I hurt her the only way I could. “You never loved me! Never cared about me! I was just some tool for you to use in whatever political destiny game you’re playing! You’re worse than my parents! At least they were honest!” I took a deep breath, and then screamed at the top of my lungs. “I hate you!”
Celestia stepped back, and to my shock I saw unshed tears in her eyes. Her words came out slightly choked, as if she were struggling to keep her emotions in check. “I know you don’t really believe any of that, Sunset. I know you’re just saying it to hurt me.” She wiped a wing across her face. “And it worked. You’ve hurt me. Does that at least make you feel better? You can say whatever you want, as long as you just stop and listen to me once you’re done.”
It didn’t make me feel better, if anything it made me feel worse. I’d reduced her to verge of crying, and I’d done it on purpose out of pure spite. I wanted to rush up to her, hug her, and apologize for everything. Tell her how sorry I was for all the terrible things I’d said, for hurting her, everything. But I couldn’t do any of it. I felt almost like an observer, watching helplessly from outside the scene, screaming at myself to stop this and go back to her while I still could. Instead, I just snarled and turned away from her. “I'm done listening to you. I don’t know why I ever did in the first place.” I left behind everything Celestia had spilled out of my bag, just grabbing some bits and a simple robe, then heading for the door.
Before I’d gotten more than halfway across the room, a shield of golden light blocked the exit. A look out the windows confirmed that they were blocked too; the whole tower had been enclosed. “I'm not done speaking with you, Sunset.”
I tried teleporting, but nothing happened. Of course Celestia wouldn’t leave that escape route open. The only reason I’d gotten away with it the first time was how quickly everything had escalated. I fell back on the option I had left; talking to her. “If you're gonna attack me, then get it over with. We both know I can't beat you.”
Celestia didn’t make a single move, but everything about her changed. It was a subtle thing, there was no one part of it that really stood out, but suddenly she looked ... old. Normally she looked timeless and unchanging, like all the years had slid off of her with no effect, but now I could see every single one of them in the sag of her shoulders and the way her head bowed down. As if all the centuries of her life and the massive responsibility of watching over Equestria had worn her down, and all that was left was a tired, broken-down mare who had lost everything she cared about, and only thing she had left was her sense of duty.
“Fighting you is the last thing I want, Sunset.” She slowly stretched out a hoof to me. “Do you remember when you were still a filly, and I would read stories to you? I kept reading them even when you said you were too old for bedtime stories, because I knew that deep down you still secretly enjoyed them. Or that time you tried to bake a cake to celebrate the one-year anniversary of becoming my student. It was terrible, but when you looked at me with your big, innocent eyes and asked me if I liked it I couldn’t bear to tell you the truth. I ate the whole thing even though it made me sick for a week afterwards. And you were there for me every day, doing anything you could think of to help me feel better.”
The memories came flooding back. All the good times we’d shared together. I’d almost forgotten about them, and now I wondered how that could’ve happened. I’d always told myself Celestia was like a mother to me, but somewhere along the way I’d forgotten why she’d earned that title. “I remember it.” I wiped at my own eyes. “I remember every moment.”
“So do I.” Celestia’s hoof remained extended towards me, her eyes pleading with me to take it. “I will always remember it. Ten thousand years from now, if I’m still alive, I will remember and cherish those moments just as clearly as I would if they had happened yesterday. Please ... let’s just forget about everything that’s happened today. We can deal with it tomorrow, but right now I just want to hold you, like I did when you were still a filly who needed somepony to hug you.”
I wanted to go to her. More than almost anything in the world, I wanted to go to her, and let her hold me like a mother. The mother I’d always wanted, the mother I’d deserved. But I couldn’t do that. Too much had happened, and I couldn’t just turn back the clock and pretend we were still in the good old days. I took a deep breath. “I’m leaving, Celestia. I know you can stop me, but you’ll have to either put me in your dungeons or lock me up in a spell like the one you’ve got right now. However, you can’t hold me forever. The more you try to keep me here, the further I’ll run and the deeper I’ll hide when I escape.”
Celestia’s face crumbled. “But ... but why, Sunset?”
“Because I need to get away from you.” Remembering everything we’d once shared had finally done what she’d wanted; I had calmed down—but at the same time it had brought things into focus. Instead of being consumed by wild panic that bordered on madness, I finally understood what was going on in my own head. “It’s like I said, all I’ve ever wanted was to be a good student for you. My whole life since that day we met has revolved around that. Being your student. Pleasing you. Earning your approval.” My eyes dropped down. “Earning your love.”
“You never needed to earn that, Sunset.” Celestia shifted closer to me, cautiously wrapping a wing around me. I didn’t shove it away, but I didn’t press any closer against her either. “You had my love from the moment I met you. And no matter what happens, you will have it until the day I die.”
“It’s not about that.” I sighed and shook my head. “It’s ... I can’t keep living my life trying to do whatever it is I think will impress you. As you said, it’s not healthy, constantly hoping that if I work a bit harder or push myself a bit further I’ll finally get everything I want from you. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to be the pony I think you want me to be.” I pulled her wing a little bit tighter around myself. “You said everypony with my kind of destiny needs to walk their own path, right? If that’s true, then I don’t think I’m even gonna find my path as long as I keep trying to force myself to follow yours. Being a princess is about being a leader, right? Well how can I learn how to lead by blindly following you? Even becoming a princess is something you’ve always told me was my destiny. Would I really be a princess because it’s what I want, or would I just be doing it for your sake?” My shoulders slumped down as I delivered my conclusion, "If it is my destiny to become an alicorn, then I think the only way I can ever find it is to do it by myself. As long as I’m with you, I’ll never get it right.”
Celestia stiffened, and a note of genuine fear entered her voice. “Sunset, the path I have set for you will lead to your ascension in due time, I promise you. It’s hard to explain to somepony who hasn’t ... who doesn’t have an alicorn’s perspective on the world, but I give you my word that you will become an alicorn, so long as you remain at my side.” She sighed and shook her head. “You were right earlier, though. I don’t ... I can’t keep you imprisoned in your tower. After Luna, I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that to another pony I loved. Not unless I had no other choice. But if I let you leave...” She trailed off, and took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Destiny is a fickle thing at the best of times, and the road you would walk down without me could lead to very dark places.”
A distant look clouded her eyes, as if she was remembering something from long ago. “You know our history; every single pony who tried to become an alicorn without my guidance met a bad end. Most became so consumed by their lust for alicorn magic that it twisted them, and if they finally found some spell or ritual they believed might accomplish the task it merely stripped away the mask and revealed the monster within. If you go down that path, the pony that comes out the other side might be one none of us will like.” Her eyes slowly hardened. “You might become something that I will have to stop, Sunset. No matter how much it breaks my heart, you might force my hoof. If need be, I will protect my subjects from you.”
She was right. I’d done enough reading to know how badly things could go wrong. That didn’t change my resolve. “Maybe that’ll happen. I might fail if I try to go it alone, but if I do, then at least it’ll be my failure. It’s tearing me apart just trying to live up to your example, and the harder I keep trying the worse it’s going to get. Maybe you’re right, and this could all end with me turning into a monster, but at least I’ll only have myself to blame if that happens. I’d rather live and die on my own terms than live out the rest of my life as an alicorn princess who gave up every scrap of herself just to get a set of wings.”
Celestia kept her wing firmly in place around me. “Sunset, you don’t understand. I’ve seen too many ponies go down the path you’ve traveled, and no matter what happens it ends in misery. The last mare I knew who tried to walk this path eventually became so twisted that a mare who loved her as a daughter had to kill her to end the threat. I can’t watch you go down that road, and I won’t let that happen to you too.”
I finally gave in and pressed against her side. She was just as warm as I remembered. “How will I ever find my destiny if you won’t let me walk my own path? And if you’re afraid of me becoming a monster...” My ears dropped, and my voice dropped as I confessed, “I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that today, even with all your guidance. At least this way, whatever happens, we’ll both know it’s all on me. If I fail, you won’t have to blame yourself for it.”
“I have already failed you, just in letting things come to this point.” Celestia’s wing tightened around me. “I don't want you to go, Sunset. I am sorry if I did anything to hurt you. If you give me the chance, I will do what I can to make it better. But you need to give me time. Please, just give me a week to find some other way to help you. This isn’t a decision you should make on the spur of the moment. Besides, you still need to talk to Cadance before you leave. And you parents too. It would give you time to properly prepare yourself.”
I reluctantly began pulling away from her. “Celestia ... if I stay for a week, it would be that much harder to leave. I don’t think I’d be able to manage it.” From the way her ears drooped ever-so-slightly, I think she’d been hoping exactly that would happen. She didn’t want to help me leave, she just wanted more time to find a way to convince me to stay.
“Will you at least give me time to make some arrangements, then?” Celestia pleaded. “If you feel like you need time away from the palace, I could arrange to have you study with somepony else for a while. You would learn things I can’t teach you, and you would have enough distance to gain some perspective on your life.”
I won’t deny it was a tempting offer. It gave me almost everything I wanted, without having to make that painful final separation. Except making that break was the whole point. Even if I went to study under somepony else for a while, I would still be doing it as Celestia’s student. I would still be trapped in that cycle of trying to remake myself in her image.
I had to go. To hay with staying for a week, every minute I stayed made it harder to actually follow through and leave. Sooner or later she would make an offer that would tempt me enough, and I would give in. Then we would be right back where we started. “Goodbye, Celestia.” I gently removed her wing, rose to my hooves, and started for the door.
“Wait.” Celestia called out after me. Despite everything I’d just told myself about the necessity of acting quickly, I paused in the threshold. Celestia strode to my side, and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Sunset, I know things have been difficult, but you are always welcome back here, my student. You will always have a home here. No matter what. And if your journey is as dangerous as I fear it might be, then I will find a way to save you. No matter what it takes, or how far you fall, I will find a way to bring you back. That’s a promise.”
For a moment, I tried to tell myself to just keep walking out the door. I couldn’t let her words affect me, or I would start doubting my decision all over again. But not letting what she’d said slip past my defenses would’ve been impossible. I cracked and all but galloped back to her, latching onto her and hugging her like I was still that scared little filly. “I love you! I'm sorry for everything! I’m so sorry!”
Celestia hugged me back, every bit as tight. “I’m sorry, too, Sunset. I wish I could do more to help you. I wish I’d seen how much you needed help before it was too late.” I trembled in her embrace, and before long I could feel tears trickling down my face. Celestia nuzzled my shoulder, and left it damp as well. “Please don't do this.” Her hold tightened around me. “I don't want to lose you like this. I’ve already lost so much, had to say goodbye to so many ponies I cared so much for. I don’t know if I can bear to lose you too.”
“I have to do it.” I gave her as reassuring of a squeeze as I could. “You’re strong. You’re the Princess of Equestria. It hurts, but you’ll be okay. Having me walk out on you can’t be the worst thing you’ve ever had to deal with, right?” I tried to smile at her, but my heart wasn’t in it. “Maybe ... maybe some day I can come back. Once it’s finished, or once I’m ... better. Once I’m settled enough that I won’t blow up every time I feel like I’m not being the perfect student.”
“Please do.” She pulled me closer, holding me like she used to when I was a sad little filly who needed a mother, so she clung to the closest substitute she could find. “Use the lessons I have taught you for good. Be yourself, but try and do what is right for your fellow ponies. I know your heart is troubled, but I also know that deep down, you’re a good pony. Never forget that: for all your pain, confusion, and mistakes, you still have the capacity to do so much good. And I still believe that one day, you will become a truly wonderful mare.”
I sniffled and wiped my eyes on her shoulder. “Y-you always saw the best in me. Even when I didn’t deserve it. Even when I didn’t deserve you. I—I'm sorry for everything.”
Celestia took one of my hooves in hers, holding onto it as if that would be enough to keep me by her side. “If you ever need anything. Anything at all. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. My door will always be open to you. This will always be your home, and you will always be my student.” She paused, frowned, and shook her head. “No. Student ... that’s not the right word. It’s what you were to me at first, and what I always told myself you should be. But no matter how much I told myself that, the truth is that somewhere along the line...”
She couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence, but she didn’t need to. We both know the truth. “It’s okay ... Mom.”
My mother—not the mare who bore me, and whose blood flowed in my veins, but my mother nonetheless—shivered at the word, giving me one final, desperate squeeze. She kissed me on the forehead, and then very slowly and reluctantly, she let me go. “Be safe, Sunset. And come home to me, when you’re ready.”
“I will,” I promised her. “Goodbye, Mom.”
I teleported outside of the castle and ran off into the night.
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And now we see where Sunset went. To be honest, I rather like this ending, and not just because it leaves things open for further adventures from Sunset. The show proper has a bit of a tendency to have ponies fix things for Celestia, and for once it's a bit of a refreshing (if melancholic) change to have things blow up in her face without it being fixed for her. Maybe things will turn out for the best later, and maybe not--but for now, this feels like a good end. No bridges permanently burnt, but still a more down-to-earth and bittersweet parting.
Solid job!
There's so much bullshit in that once sentence they could have used it as fertilizer to end the famine after the Lunar Rebellion!
static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/About/General/2013/7/17/1374076483577/Gordon-Ramsay-shouting-010.jpg
on an unrelated note, your 'end author's note' note is still there, right above your author's note.
Damn you and your beautiful writings. My heart isn't supposed to feel anymore!
I didn't like Winning Pony, but I like this.
The fact that this didn't end on a note of hatred like I expected to makes this fic all the more surprising, and all the sweeter. I really like it.
Yes, Sunset is a budding megalomanic here with sociopathic tendencies . . . and she just attacked Cadence over hurt feelings . . . but you hear her heart CRACK when Celestia turns down her hope of them becoming a family.
And she just digs herself in deeper and deeper. And then just goes NUTS.
I think Celestia can see at this point IMHO or SHOULD SEE at this point that Sunset has lost her marbles.
“Tell me how I’m the daughter you never had!”
And that sums it all up.
, I would’ve been as helpless against her as Cadenza had been against me.
Hint hint Sunset.
The mother I’d always wanted, the mother I’d deserved.
I hate to say it, but that's the first time her entitlement has been right.
Didn't expect that ending.
Is she talking about midnight sparkle? I recall it having it be mentioned in the phoenix empress story that she was in danger of becoming a villain or something.
Also:
Considering that Cadence is a alicorn, does this mean that Celestia was subtly influencing her progress every step of the way?
So, will we see a sequel?
4839886
I don't think this refers to Sunbeam or Midnight Sparkle, just from the way Celestia phrases it. For starters, Midnight Sparkle is Sunbeam's biological daughter, so if it were she, why would Celestia say "like a daughter"? And if it were Sunbeam herself... the only pony to love her "like a daughter" would probably have been Celestia, so why not just say so?
Plus there's the time differential. Celestia's most likely referring to somepony more recent than 800-900 years ago. Maybe still 200-300 years, but still...
Just FYI, a regent is a person who temporarily runs a monarchy when the actual monarch is unavailable.
I really enjoy reading your story :3
This is, without even a subatomic particle of doubt, the most beautiful story I have ever read.
And the fact that it is about Sunset Shimmer makes it even better.
I just hope that Freeport Venture will be just as beautifully written as this story was, while having a happier ending for both Sunset and Celestia.
Also on that note, I think this would fall better under the Sad category, rather than the Tragedy category. That's my honest opinion.
This was an amazing story, and I enjoyed every part of it.
Has Sunset´s mother really given up on her daughter so easily? If it´s that so, the I suppose Sunset was right about her parents.
I really enjoyed this! I'm also happy to see a bit more explanation of Celestia's whole Destiny Sense thing and the ways it's at best incomplete. It actually dovetails nicely with my own time loop headcanon. Celestia's always been able to sense the potential good a pony might do and tends to overlook the bad, making her a bit naive. Luna is exactly the opposite in that she can see the potential evil much more clearly than the good, which makes her a little bit paranoid. There's a reason they used to take on joint apprentices back in the day.
By the way, when can we expect the next chapter of Tales from the Phoenix Empire to come out?
Why is it that every story I read about Sunny makes me think she's the most tragic character in MLP? Even the comic made me feel sad for her.
Except Phoenix Empress, Sunny is just adorable in that.
4840563 Sunset's opinion is obliviously a bit biased. But just looking at her mother's words and actions when she tried to reconcile, there's clearly some very real issues there.
Not the ending I expected and all the better for it. Great story!
4841371
Celestia gambled and lost. Sometimes anger and jealousy don't fade, but morph into a bitter hatred that claims the remainder of ones life. That's what caused Nightmare's creation, after all. I guess Celestia misapplied the lessons learned from that incident an tried to head off such a transformation on Sunset's part.
I'll admit the only reason I like this story is becuase of the promise of a sequel
4840178
Considering she's a Princess and not a Queen... I think it fits.
what a good story!
i enjoyed reading it. i felt that maybe sunset went from super-angry to repentant too soon but hey! i liked it and that is bottom line.
Amazing. I loved this. It was very emotional. I'm looking forward to the sequel!
And then she turned into a Bloodletter.
Amazing. Simply AMAZING!
…Huh. That was a much happier ending than I was expecting. I wonder what happened to--
[reads author's note]
Oh, nice! We get the answer to that question and more information about Freeport. :D
Argh! You sir are a phenomenal author. It almost makes me want to push you beyond horse words, but then I would never find out what awaits my favorite colorful horses. So, it is at this impasse that I will just give you my praise for this story.
Sunset Shimmer is such a complicated character to write correctly. She needs to be both good at heart and have an awful attitude. To write her sympathetically requires a skill that isn't necessary when compared to say, Twilight Sparkle. With Twilight, she's a bookish nerd who panics a lot, but when the chips are down pulls through for everypony. Its not exactly easy to write her, but there is a lot of ways to make it work.
Sunset on the other hoof is about a cycle of mistakes culminating in a catastrophic mistake. She has to learn her lesson, but also not. Until she finally becomes so bad that she cannot deny the monster inside her. To make the readers understand and empathize with such a character is extremely difficult while they are making those mistakes. Even I went the easy route and am just writing the clean up of her character, after all the mistakes are made. I think you far and away succeeded in showing the beginnings of this cycle with this story. I eagerly await the next installment.
An interesting and unexpected look at Sunset Shimmer. In all honesty, had she fled the throne room and escaped through the mirror it would have worked wonderfully as a backstory to the show and film. I thought the first person perspective worked well to show Sunset's motivations, making her somewhat sympathetic while still highlighting the complete lack of empathy she had for anyone else (save the very end, where she does finally show some small amount for making Celestia cry.)
Using Cadance as the catalyst for Sunset's fall was clever, and worked quite well. (Although the relative ages in "Equestria Girls" will always give me headaches. It's a bit confusing here too, since Sunset's mom calls her an adult, yet the early foal-sitting Cadance we've seen in the show was clearly not a full-grown mare and yet she is portrayed as Sunset's age here. Not a big deal either way, but it did leave me wondering how old Sunset was supposed to be at the end of this story.) It seems that even in world, an Alicorn out of nowhere upsets some. Since Celestia never denies it, I take it that Sunset's accusations are correct and Celestia actually decides/makes one an Alicorn rather than just sensing and being there when one ascends?
The one major question I am left with over all is why does Sunset want to be an Alicorn and a Princess now? The motivation had been the bond it would make between her and Celestia, never understanding that she always had it (being borderline sociopathic sucks.) now she's cutting those bonds as thoroughly as possible in order to pursue her destiny of being one... But why does she want that destiny? What does it mean to her now?
I'm glad that there is a sequel planned.
4839886
I imagine the key word there is "tried". I don't think that Cadance ever aspired to being an Alicorn.
Dammit. This story.
Also that author's note makes me so many kinds of happy though.
Well, that was sweet.
Too bad Sunset will be almost immediately replaced by Twilight, who'll ascend and Sunset is left with nothing. Oh well.
Dropping hints at the fate of another potential alicorn in another story I see.
4844202
Yeah, working out a clear timeline around Sunset is a bit of a headache. The best explanation I've heard is that time passes faster in Equestria than it does in the human-verse. Otherwise, we end up with a Sunset who's still hanging out in High School when she's in her thirties.
I imagine a big part of why she wants alicorndom by now is that she feels entitled to it, after all the hard work she did as Celestia's student. I would say it's actually one of the reasons she's not ready to be a princess yet: she has no real reasons for wanting to become one beyond a belief that she's entitled to it. She doesn't have plans for what she would actually do with her princesshood, she just thinks she deserves it.
Damn when I read this chapter I was listening to this song
. Talk about perfect fit.
Alright. I'm invested. Bring on the Shimmerverse, or whatever this will be called.
Are you seriously starting up another verse already? Oh hells yes! The only concern is that this might make Rebellion come out a bit slower, but i've always enjoyed your stuff. Looking forward to more.
I actually almost cried. Well, nearly almost actually cried. It's one of the best Sunset Shimmer fics I ever read.
4846414 4846441
Well, what's written thus far for Freeport Venture would put it in the Winningverse, or at least drawing on some of its established elements (like Freeport, obviously).
That said, I suppose one could compare it to Guardians of the Galaxy in the Marvel films. It's part of the same overall mythos, but so removed from previous stories that it's effectively a standalone entry.
Didn't know there were quite that many Sunset fans, but this fic seems to be a hit with them! Congrats!
While I can certainly empathize with a lot of Sunset's motivations in this, having faced similar situations, there's something about how she handles things that makes it hard to sympathize with her. Maybe it's the haughty attitude, the ego, or the fact that she keeps burning ponies.
But she's not completely unlikeable and you did a great job 'humanizing' what was one of the more shallow villains and bringing out the potential that was introduced in EQG, but never explored.
So kudos!
Awesome work thanks for sharing
The way this was written makes me really feel for Sunset Shimmer, actually. Celestia didn't spare the time to think about what making Cadence an alicorn would do to her student's psyche, which proves that she still hasn't learned her lesson. If Celestia truly wanted Sunset to learn about friendship, she would have sat her down and had a very long talk with her and EXPLAIN why it is so damned important, rather than leave it for Sunset to figure out on her own when she can't even grasp the basic concept! She hadn't even made peace with her parents yet, had come to view a majority of ponies she associated with as assets rather than friends, and Celestia expected her to buddy up with a pony that she was virtually guaranteed to dislike? Celestia pushed her too far too fast and threw her into a situation that severely destabilized her. I can completely understand and sympathize with Sunset's point of view on this.
Still... this was a great story, Chengar! Sunset Shimmer has been one of my favorite headcanon characters for a while, now, and I'm really impressed and glad that you managed to write such a perfect story for her character. Well done! I wish you luck in all your future writings!
4840138 4839886
Well, we do know that an "avatar" of Nightmare Moon will play a part in the Lunar Rebellion at some point.
4845745
My theory's been that Equestria Girls is set in a perpetual highschool parasite-universe where time loops back to the beginning after graduation.
4848574
I would consider this to be the worst universe.
4844837 Well according to the very well written and not at all full of plot holes EQG, it is shown that Twilight and Sunset are about the same age. So we're to assume Celestia was teaching them both at the same time without either of them knowing each other's presence. That works right? Ok good!
4846559 Does that mean this Sunset might return in Winningverse, or is the Sunset there different?
I would love to see this story continued, sending Sunset throught a pilgrimage across Equestria and beyond to learn what it really takes to become an alicorn (as Cadence proved, the answer isn´t "magic"). Screw Equestria Girls.
4848501 that was waaaaaay before this story.
Awesome story the ending was sad though
. Is the part when Sunset shouts at Celestia to tell her how much she loves Sunset and is proud of her a reference?
4848376
Sunset Shimmer was the picture-perfect portrait of a sociopath. Unstable, bent on a single goal that she'd try and attain through her twisted logic.
Be honest - a regular person doesn't need to be taught what friendship is. It's something you feel, something you eventually grow up to. Being aloof in your life, an introvert or plainly misogynistic can hamper your way to getting there, but everyone sooner or later understands what a friend is and why such a term exists.
Sunset's world-view was focused around her and her fantasy. She was lonely, and the hole in her heart was too huge for Celestia to plug. She had issues regarding her parents, her self-worth, her identity. Such people hollow themselves out, and typically can't be happy no matter how much they inhibit or gain.
Another matter entirely is blaming everyone around you rather than having a long, hard look at yourself. Sentient beings are blessed with introspection, a self-regulating mechanism that helps us adapt, helps us survive as a social species. Some of us have that mechanism broken, never stopping to think about who they are. They live in someone's shadow, blame others for who they became in the end, simply because they were unable to see their own path.
It is regrettable, but this Sunset Shimmer was very life-like. There are people out there like that. They hurt themselves and others in their confusion, unable to understand that any, any problem in their life starts and ends on themselves.
Not to say I don't understand what she means and feels. But from an objective point of view, she was broken beyond repair. Celestia gave her all she could, all the opportunities and chances. Still, it is her herself that made all the wrongs steps.