(I don't know how to label this so I put adventure and comedy as tags. Pic is Grim reaper commission by n deed-d5ivirq. What a weird name.
I also know that this concept has usually been overused, but the idea is partly inspired by Rebirth of The-Pony-Librarian)
Twilight Sparkle has been stricken with grief since her friends passed away so long ago and has been longing to get them back. To her regret and remorse, they have yet to reincarnate anywhere, leaving their old rainbow keys grayed and dormant. Only Twilight's has not been covered with dust and cobwebs.
After searching through ancient catacombs for lost magic, she comes across a particular tomb that would allow her to cheat death and bring her friends back at the cost of eleventh months of her own well-being. But there are consequences to defying death, and who better to explain them than the Grim Reaper itself?
Hmm, I enjoyed it. It was a bit fast but besides that Grimm Reaper makes for a interesting character. Would read more.
4836955 I can't see it. Any area of example you can give me so I can see it and fix this accordionly? (
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4837713 I actually like how I viewed this version of the Reaper. It makes it seem rather cool.
4839540 Then I'll pull it temporarily and reform everything with proper details.
4836955
4837713
There. See if it's better now.
4840952 Well, I really like it now. The added details are nice, and it feels better to know what's going on. Also, your take on Grimm is good, if you do ever get the inspiration I would read a story about his travels. *not kidding would defiantly read* well hope your having a good one.
4866647 Well, luckily for you I'm going to keep this iteration of the reaper. I love how I made him.
This story has potential, but I feel like it's not actualizing it, mostly due to focusing on various aspects of the story to degrees that are either too minor for their impact, or giving too much emphasis to areas that aren't impactful enough. In other words, as Samaru163 pointed out, there are pacing problems. They're not fatal problems, but they are holding the story back.
Leaving aside the intermittent spelling and grammar issues, I felt that the opening of the story was the best part. The focus on how Twilight has outlived her friends was rather poignant, especially in light of just having watched "Tanks for the Memories" (season five, episode five). It helped that how they went felt very true to who they were. The problem here was the heavy emphasis on exposition. While I normally applaud expository material, that's as a counterbalance to stories that tend to be all dialogue and action, with nothing to expound upon the impact of what's happening. This part of the story, by contrast, goes too far in the opposite direction. Long tracts of narrated history - within the context of a fiction story, at least - can feel like a chore to get through, even when the subject matter is interesting. I suspect that this would have worked better as a series of vignettes, perhaps followed by a much shorter summary of anything that had been glossed over.
I do have to give props for the way in which you got Twilight to find the magical book, however. Using a plot device whereby she tried to contact spirits through a medium, and could only summon an ancestor of hers, who then pointed her towards an "adventure hook" was quite brilliant, and felt like a natural outgrowth of the plot, serving to direct the story in an organic fashion without feeling put-upon to do so.
The weakest part of the story, to my mind, was Twilight's extended interaction with the Grim Reaper. This brought up issues with the cosmology of Equestria, as there's nothing to suggest that they have things such as psychopomps, angels, or even any particular philosophy on the idea of life after death (let alone know what reincarnation is), etc. That these should all be taken as a given by Twilight feels rather awkward. On a related note is the idea that her spell is going to reincarnate her friends by "giving up eleven months of her life," which I presume is an awkward reference to becoming pregnant with their reincarnations? Because she keeps referencing that - also, talking out loud with no one else around, and no other reason given for why she'd talk when she's alone, is a very heavy-handed technique - and it's rather awkward, since the idea of her being pregnant after casting her reincarnation spell isn't intuitive.
Those are minor points, though. Far more germane is that this entire story seems to deal with themes of loss, loneliness, and desperation to recapture the past. Having an extended talk about the mechanics of reincarnation is giving far too much prevalence to an overall minor point - what's important here are the themes being examined, not the technical aspects by which Twilight is trying to overcome them. Given that this is a single-chapter one-shot story, the overall conversation should do more to showcase her state of mind than to talk about exactly how reincarnation works.
To be fair, that conversation does fit within the overall framework of the story, as it's trying to drive home the point that what's lost is gone forever and cannot be brought back. Even if Twilight does reincarnate her friends, it won't be the same as if they were suddenly there again; no matter what she tries, that simply can't happen (kudos to you for bringing up, and then smartly dismissing, the use of time travel as well, in that regard). Ultimately, what Twilight is trying to learn here is to let go and move on, and that's a point that's trying to come through here, even if it is muddled.
Ultimately, this story is a good effort that needs more polish.
5916477 Honestly, it was an experiment I wasn't expecting to be a tremendous success. I was experimenting with a more 'dialogish' type of writing. As for the Reaper, it is the aspect of death here. Its appearance is only made to intimidate Twilight and to have her immediately understand what it is. The Reaper doesn't have a singular form. Thanks for this, though.
Also, I thought you were only going to look at my adventure stories.
5916500 Well, this one has the "adventure" tag.
That said, I realized that I was limiting myself too much with regards to your selection. You've got dozens of stories on your page, so it seemed kind of silly not to at least look at the overviews for the others.