Now this is my first ever My Little Pony story. So I would like all of you to love and tolerate my template at this. I would also like to thank a few people for their help and kind words. The names are in no real order so no one is better than the other, also they all have really good stories, and they’re all better than mine, so if you have the time go and read them.
Time in Equestria
Chapter one
Dear Princess Celestia,
I still can’t believe that it has already been more than a year since I came to Ponyville.
My friends and I have learned a lot about the magic of friendship and we have had so many adventures, but I enjoy the nice quiet times I get to spend with them, and those are memories I will carry with me longer.
Twilight's quill hovered hesitantly above the letter as pondered what next to write. She wasn't composing a friendship report, per se, but it had been a while since she had sent something to the princess. The unicorn's gaze wandered to the world beyond her library, towards the day blessed by the sun of her mentor. A light breeze eased itself through the open window, carrying with it the scent of crisp and clean air, the product of a light rain by the weather pegasi. Sticking her head outside, the librarian took a deep breath, savoring the smell.
She sighed contentedly contentedly. 'Nothing smells quite like fresh rain,' she remarked to herself. “I wonder how long it will be before the Crusaders try and earn puddle jumping cutie marks.” Looking down, she saw another pony already hard at work splashing through every puddle she could find. Twilight smiled, “That is, if Pinkie leaves them any.”
With a happy smile, Twilight turned back to continue the letter when she heard a light rustling of leaves right outside the window. She walked over to the window and once again stuck her head out, inspecting the bright orange and yellow leaves that filled the tree, but she found nothing that could have made the noise.
That was, until the leaves exploded with the bright cyan face of Rainbow Dash. “BOO!”
Twilight gave a panicked shriek and fell backwards into her room as Rainbow Dash began to laugh hysterically. But, unfortunately for the laughing pegasus, Twilight's horn started glowing in her panic and the next thing Dash saw was a burst of stars from being hit the face by the closing window.
A short time later, a still-grinning Dash was sitting in the library holding an ice pack on her forehead. She looked over to the violet unicorn and her smile only grew. “It was so worth getting a bump on my head. Your face was priceless!”
Twilight gave Dash an indignant look before letting out a short, sarcastic laugh of her own. “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed yourself so much, Rainbow Dash. So, did you come over just to scare me? Or did you need something?” The unicorn was smiling warmly now. She never could stay mad at any of her friends, especially Dash.
“Well…actually, there was something that I wanted to talk to you about.” Rainbow put down the ice pack, making Twilight wince at the purple knot that Rainbow was now sporting. “AJ and I want to do the Iron Pony thing again this year, and were hoping you would judge it for us. I even got Spike and Pinkie to do the play by play again.”
“I don’t mean to sound pessimistic or anything, but are you sure that’s a good idea? Look what happened last year; you and Applejack almost killed each other during the Running of the Leaves.” Twilight's horn started to glow and before long a plate of cookies floated in and settled on the floor between the two friends. Dash wasted little time shoving a cookie into her mouth, munching on it happily. Everypony knew that Spike’s cookies were the best in all of Equestria. The Cakes had tried time and time again for get his secret recipes, they never succeed
“That was a one-time thing Twi. Applejack and I already talked it over. This one is going to be a fair contest with no hard feelings, and then we go on to the Running of the Leaves. And that’s also why I want you there…” Dash looked around the room to make sure they were alone. “You can help keep me in check and help me keep my cool.”
Twilight smiled as she remembered what Rainbow Dash had once asked her. After last year's Running of the Leaves, Rainbow had come to Twilight asking for an honest assessment of how badly she had been stepping out of line during the race.
Twilight was unable to deny such a request, and the two friends talked long into the night, ending with Dash asking Twilight to help keep an eye on her temper. Twilight was unsure how to tell her friend yes, that she had indeed stepped out of line a few times that day, but she did it to the best of her abilities.
So they spent long into the night two of them went over everything, and by the end of it all Dash had asked Twilight to help her keep an eye on her temper. It was something the purple unicorn was more than happy to do, even if it had turned into a full time job.
Smiling at Rainbow Dash, Twilight crossed her front legs and took a small bite of her cookie. “I will be happy to be the judge. Are you going to do it tomorrow?”
Nodding her head Dash smiled “Yeah, Applejack and I are trying to start a new tradition so we need to keep it on the day before the running of the leaves. But hey, look on the bright side, we gave you a little more time to get organized this time!”
“Well it’s still not enough to do what I want. You said you want to make this a new tradition?” Rainbow Dash nodded, “Then I think we need to open the competition to the public and let others join in. That way more ponies can have a chance and will want to keep it going longer.”
Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight with wide eyes; the huge grin on her face told the Unicorn all she needed to know. “Twilight, you’re a genius! Letting other ponies compete will prove just how great I am really am!”
“Easy Dash, you haven’t won yet. And remember Rainbow, nopony likes a sore winner.” Twilight smiled and stood up from the floor. “Now follow me upstairs, so we can get your paperwork out of the way.”
Rainbow Dash unfolded her wings and stretched them out a bit before following the purple unicorn, “Paperwork? What paperwork?”
“Well if you want this to be as big as it can be we're going to need rules, regulations, and proper record keeping. Not to mention a proper registration form.” Once she was at her desk Twilight's horn started to glow, making some papers move about until she found the one she was looking for. With a quick strike of her quill she floated it over to Dash.
Glancing at the still-wet ink, Dash sent Twilight a worried look. “Do you seriously keep registration forms at the ready? That's like…really creepy Twi.”
Twilight looked away with a slight blush. “It’s not creepy, it’s called being well prepared. Now if you’re going to compete you'll have to fill that out.”
“Fine, fine, whatever you say Twilight.But you know your such an egghead.” Rainbow Dash flew over to the desk and started filling out her form, “What the? It’s asking for my marital status?” Dash looked over her shoulder to Twilight, who was looking away. After a little bit Dash looked over her sheet to check everything. Satisfied that she was done she popped the quill out of her mouth.
“Thank you Dash. Now, can you do me a favor? After you leave can you go to Sweet Apple Acres and tell Applejack that she needs to come by and fill out her registration form as well? Oh! And please spread the word about the competition.”
“Sure thing Twilight. I’ll go and tell her right away – without AJ it would be way too easy to win!” Rainbow took off through the open window before Twilight could chastise her for boasting.
Shaking her head with a small smile, Twilight went back to the desk to finish her letter to the Princess.
Do you remember last year when I wrote to you about the Iron Pony competition?
Well I just learned that we are hosting it again tomorrow! And even better, we are opening it to the public this year. It just goes to show you that even the things you have already done can still be fun and exciting.
Always your faithful student.
Twilight Sparkle.
After reading over her letter once more, making sure every T was crossed, and every I was dotted, she rolled it up. “Spike! Spike! Can you come up here please?”
Soon she heard the patter of little dragon feet climbing up the stairs. “What’s up Twilight?” Spike poked his head through the door and saw the floating scroll. “Oh, do you have a letter for the Princess?”
Twilight had to stifle a laugh as Spike walked into the room. He was wearing a pink apron that read ‘Kiss the Dragon’ on the front of it. Rarity had given him for his birthday, so of course he never really took it off unless he had to. “Yes please, I need you to send it out while I go find Pinkie Pie.”
Spike hopped up and plucked the scroll out of the air before walking to the window. He inhaled deeply and spouted out a bit of green fire to ignite the scroll, the magical smoke whisking it away to the Princess.
“Why do you need Pinkie? …Twi? Twilight?” 'Spike looked back to his friend. The purple unicorn's unfocused gaze was on one of the papers on her desk, her mind a thousand miles away. Walking over and peering at the paper with Rainbow’s name on top, “Just tell her Twilight. You’ve never seen her going out with anypony, she might feel the same way about you.”
“What! No.” Twilight looked back to Spike with an expression that looked a cross between embarrassment and fear. “What if she's not into mares? What if the others think I'm weird, what if… What if she hates me...” Twilight's ears drooped as she hung her head low.
“Twilight, you've been moping for months now. And you know full well that Rainbow Dash is literally the embodiment of loyalty. She would never turn her friends, and if anyone else thinks it’s wrong, then they’re not really your friends.”
Spike was suddenly levitated off the ground and Twilight kissed his cheek before hugging him. “Thank you Spike, you always know just what to say. Well, most of the time anyway.”
“That's what I’m here for, sister.” Spike puffed out his chest and poked himself with his thumb.
“Well then, maybe my number one assistant would like to go over to Sugar Cube Corner and ask Pinkie to spread the word that tomorrow the Iron Pony games will be open to anypony that wants to sing up?”
“Can I get a snack while I’m there?”
Twilight levitated three bits off her dresser and in to spikes open claw. and this time it was Spike’s turn to jump up and give Twilight a big hug. “I'm already there!” Spike took of his apron and gingerly folded it up before setting it in his bed before running out to complete her errand.
XXX
“So what yer tellin’ me is that Twilight wants to make the competition open to anypony who wants to enter?” Applejack asked her rainbow-maned friend as she moved things around the barn.
“Yeah, she said it will make it more fun and keep them coming back next year. But being the egghead that she is, she want all competitors to fill out some lame form in order to enter, I think she said something about keeping records or whatever,” Dash answered, with a shrug of her shoulders.
“I reckon that makes sense, all games need rules. Like no wings,” Applejack snickered, as she ignored the Pegasus’ fake laugh. “But anyway, does that mean I need to go over there and sign up?”
“Yeah, its sorta creepy, did you know Twilight keeps a stack of random registration forms just laying around? I swear, that pony’s brain would melt if she forgot to put her breakfast in chronological order.”
Applejack smiled and tipped her hat up so Rainbow can see it. “Chronological order? Should I tell Twi that she’s rubbin’ off on ya there, RD?”
“Ha ha, anyway you don't have to sign up if you think you don't stand a chance, in that case I have a spot in my cheering section with your name on it,” Dash sang out with bravado as she hovered over the orange pony.
“Simmer down sally, you ain’t the only one in the competition after all.” Walking out of the barn Applejack looked like she was heading into town. “Y’know, neither one of us could win.”
“Are you kidding? You and I are the best athletes in Equestria, there is no way we can both lose! And besides, the competition is tomorrow. It’s not like anypony will have time to sign up or even know that they can for that matter. So chillax AJ, it’s in the bag.” Rainbow landed and began to follow behind Applejack, only to end up walking right into the earth pony. Dash was about to ask why she stopped in the middle of the road like that when she saw Applejack’s face. She was looking upwards with a big grin on her face.
“I don't think it will be that easy, sugar-cube.” Applejack pointed up to the sky.
Following her friend’s gaze Rainbow looked up, her mouth falling open in shock. There, in the sky, was Twilight's hot air balloon, a huge banner hanging from the basket to letting all of Ponyville about the Iron pony competition. It was then that both Rainbow Dash and Applejack saw a lump of pink dancing about in the balloon’s basket.
“Is that Pinkie Pie, and is she? Is she dropping candy form the balloon?” Dash asked, still in shock.
Its was at this time Big Macintosh walked by them and blow a bubble with his gum. “Eeyup.”
Applejack watched her brother walk back to the farm before looking back up to Pinkie. “So, who do you reckon will sign up now?”
XXX
“Wow Twilight, you already have five competitors signed up for tomorrow! It’s going to be a real show!” Spike spoke excitedly as he read over the registration forms, his smile faltering for a moment, “I still can’t believe you let her sign up, you know she will just start trouble.”
Twilight was busy reading her copy of ‘All Things Sports-Rules and Regulation’ when she spoke, “Spike, you know was well as I do that we can’t leave anypony out just because we don't like them. And she did say she was sorry, and that she wanted to make it up to everypony. And if she becomes our friend I can write to Princess Celestia about how giving a second chance can be the key for making new friend’s.”
“That would have been a fine letter; though it is quite a shame that I have spoiled it for myself.” Twilight's body went rigid, her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.
Ever so slowly Twilight Sparkle stood up and turned around, her eyes roaming across the books scattered on the floor, the dirty windows, and the papers strewn on her desk. Slowly, her eyes fell on the source of the voice. “ Pr.. Pr... Princess Celestia... Princess Luna...”
Twilight's eyes slowly rolled in up to the back of her head, and a second later she passed out.
XXX
Okay, everypony, this is a cleaned up first chapter. I know it's still a bit short,but I can’t go changing it to much as it is. Thanks to my proofing team, Jcel4569 and Valaris
Hmmmm... I like where this is going. There are a couple of grammer mistakes, and you might want to put Twilight's letter in italics. Its a little confusing of a transition. Keep it coming!
dido keep up the good work
21382
thank you for your kind words, Sadly my Grammar is not the best, if not for my proof reader it would be a lot worse
But I will do what I can and keep trying to give all the Bronies and all the Awesome Fillies the best story I can!
This is really really cool. Please write some more
21394 In response to your message, i think Big Mac should be in the games. Maybe have him win. Or be hilariously stupid and have Twist win. I think you were hinting at the return of Trixe as well, so that could be interesting. I have no idea why the princesses are there right now, though. Keep doing what your doing, and see how it turns out! I'm currenly writting a fan fic that i make up as i go, and its doing pretty well. Its called Battles of Another, give me your criteque on it!
...
That was one big mess of thoughts...
Interesting. There were some grammar errors here and there, but it was otherwise ok. My only real problem was this particular phrase:
"her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates."
A rather gruesome phrase and one that brings back bad memories for me.
Still, I'll keep an eye on this.
Very nice keep it going I can't wait for chapter two.
If this was a test chapter then consider it a successful test, please continue.
Errors aside, I like it. A lot. I look forward to reading more. If you need a secondary proofreader I think I might be up for it, just let me know.
Small world. Well, Great chapter. I look forward to the next one. =)
22602
small world?
make c2!
hmm...so far I can tell you that your in that akward middle ground of not enough and just enough detail. I struggle with this a lot, what I do to combat this is after I finish writing a chapter I go back with another person and re-work every section either me or the other person thinks is lacking or sounds weird until it both of us are satisfied. It may take longer but it delivers an amazing result.
This so much reminds me of my chapter drafts its almost comical.
like here is an akward part:
Spike ran out of the room only to come back immediately and took of his apron before running out again.
It might make sense if you change the words a little into something like:
Spike ran out of the room only to immediately come back and take off his apron before taking off again.
or you can edit words with similar words to get a similar more descriptive result.
Spike dashed out of the room only to run back in a moment later to take off his apron before sprinting off to make up for lost time.
Remember to let the reader breath also, even if your reading in your head, your brain will still think in terms of speaking aloud so adding commas occasionally instead of and will make your sentence flow alot faster and increase excitement. Also the opposite is true, a longer sentence will add suspense and increase the drama leading up to a point of emphasis. This is particularly important to remember when writing comedy or shipping which are highly emotional topics because whether it be a punch line or a small comment, you can change how the reader will react depending on how you write the buildup.
Try and develop a narration voice. As easy as it is to jump from character to character in the story, sometimes the comments from an omniscient source make things a lot clearer for the readers. (I obviously took this to the extreme in my story by making the Narrator an actual character that interacts with the ponies but this is beside the point because he is an idiot and only really appears when things don't make sense to make things make even less sense)
Also remember that there is a difference between writing dialog and then adding descriptions of what is happening during the talking and Writing what is happening. This can come out choppy and disturb the flow of a chapter. If you write so that the paragraphs interlock with each other then you can get a steady, constant and smooth train of thought.
For example:
“That would have been a fine letter; it is quite a shame that I have spoiled it for myself.” Twilight's body went rigid, her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.
Ever so slowly Twilight Sparkle stood up and turned around, her eyes roaming across the books scattered on the floor, the dirty windows, and the papers strewn on her desk. Slowly, her eyes fell on the source of the voice. “ Pr.. Pr... Princess Celestia... And Princess Luna...”
Twilight's eyes slowly rolled in up to the back of her head, and a second later she passed out.
This has a slightly choppy feel to it, but it is one entire joke. However if you were to smooth things out and connect your ideas it could sound like this:
"That would have been a fine letter, it is quite a shame that I may have just spoiled it for myself, isn't that right sister?" Twilight's book fell to the floor as her mind suddenly sputtered like a machine running out of fuel, her eyes the size of saucers.
Scrambling to retrieve her reading material, Twilight slowly spun around. Her mind had kicked into overdrive as it registered each thing her eyes focused on. 'Books, Dirty Window, Messy Desk, Princess Celestia...'
"P-Princess Celestia?!? Princess Luna?!?!?!" Twilight's world suddenly became very dim and started spinning violently before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed onto her side.
Luna snickered. "Ha, Out like a light! That was quite cruel, sister" Celestia only smiled.
I admit that is kind of rough but I hope it gets the point across. Anyway I like where this is going so I'm gunna be tracking it
And feel free to ignore my advice, personally I think it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But my brain operates in really funny ways and this is the best that I could explain it.
I liked what I've read so far! It's pretty well written, and I like where it's going. now to read the next chapter!
I'm randomly mulling around, looks promising though.
I spotted a blurb in this chapter though:
"to anyone that wants to sing up?"
Pretty sure it's an iron pony competition, not karaoke competition.
I think Celestia broke Twilight.
This is a good start.
wow even better than pinkies GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!!!!!!! I am loving this story I always like a Twidash story.
troll.me/images/rainbow-dash-on-cloud/rainbows-dont-mean-im-gay-but-i-am.jpg
Kinda seems like you changed your mind and went with a different line there, but forgot to delete the older version. Otherwise, smashing first chapter mate!
sign
Wait...Twilight passed out because the Princesses came? Weird.
10936027
it's interesting that you phrased it that way