I don't think Twilight ever realized how much trouble she'd caused with that single statement. "Sexual experimentation," did that just mean she wanted to have a little fun, or did she actually feel the same way as I did of her?
like what I'm reading so far. I just really hope this does not somehow lead to an "incomplete" pile of dead dreams for me.
Pacing is superb, and Fluttershy is in perfect character. I really like how you've made her seem eloquent in her mind, while showing that she is aware of her social difficulties. I rarely see that perfromed as admirably as it is done here (often people have her as shy and restrained "oh, dear" in her head [I'm Guilty of it as well, but I like this better])
It's not terrible, and the premise is more sane than most. My two biggest problems with the story, however, make it hard to enjoy.
The first one is the fact that you have Fluttershy turn to the audience to say things like
Anyways, I don’t want to bore you.
Which is a completely flow breaker, not to mention telling the reader how they are probably feeling (if they aren't they'll feel like that afterwards) which is never good for the immersion in your story.
Secondly, your description, while pretty good in most places, suffers from a little bit too much attention to detail where it isn't needed. Everyone that reads the story will (hopefully) know that Fluttershy has a lot of feed for her animals which makes spending almost a paragraph on that a little tedious. Such things should only be brought up if something interesting happens to them.
4828707 I've always found that the personality of a character is much more important than the story itself. Since this is from Fluttershy's perspective, I don't want to completely destroy her personality just so it "flows" better. I just feel like she would say something like that. So I put it in. As for description, people either complain that there is too much or too little, so I do what I feel is best.
4828431 Thank you very much. It's comments like yours that keep me writing. I'm glad you're enjoying her personality. I myself am shy in person, so I know how different the mind of a shy person, or pony in this case, is then what they display to others.
Hmmm, when I read the words "not just clop" I wasn't expecting much more than "porn with a plot." What I found was an incredibly detailed description of Fluttershy's thoughts and feelings while tending to her animals and herself. I am impressed, keep up the good work.
I got to say this before reading it. Vinyl Scratch looks like she is looking over at Fluttershy and Twilight thinking "I like where this is going."
4825286
Maybe she wants in on the action.
Anyways, great story so far.
I like where this is going.
An interesting start, and I sure do like TwiShy.
A quick question, will this be entirely in Fluttershy's point of view, or will it alternate between her and Twilight?
4826209
Good question. I think I'll be sticking with Fluttershy's perspective.
4826269 Good plan. I look forward to reading more.
Yup, this is gonna be good. Looking forward to more!
HURRAY!
More TwiShy
like what I'm reading so far. I just really hope this does not somehow lead to an "incomplete" pile of dead dreams for me.
Pacing is superb, and Fluttershy is in perfect character. I really like how you've made her seem eloquent in her mind, while showing that she is aware of her social difficulties. I rarely see that perfromed as admirably as it is done here (often people have her as shy and restrained "oh, dear" in her head [I'm Guilty of it as well, but I like this better])
Please accept this like, fav and follow.
Cheers.
-T
It's not terrible, and the premise is more sane than most. My two biggest problems with the story, however, make it hard to enjoy.
The first one is the fact that you have Fluttershy turn to the audience to say things like
Which is a completely flow breaker, not to mention telling the reader how they are probably feeling (if they aren't they'll feel like that afterwards) which is never good for the immersion in your story.
Secondly, your description, while pretty good in most places, suffers from a little bit too much attention to detail where it isn't needed. Everyone that reads the story will (hopefully) know that Fluttershy has a lot of feed for her animals which makes spending almost a paragraph on that a little tedious. Such things should only be brought up if something interesting happens to them.
Just my 2 cents.
4828707
I've always found that the personality of a character is much more important than the story itself. Since this is from Fluttershy's perspective, I don't want to completely destroy her personality just so it "flows" better. I just feel like she would say something like that. So I put it in. As for description, people either complain that there is too much or too little, so I do what I feel is best.
4828431
Thank you very much. It's comments like yours that keep me writing. I'm glad you're enjoying her personality. I myself am shy in person, so I know how different the mind of a shy person, or pony in this case, is then what they display to others.
4828807
Then I shall say no more. Good luck with the rest of the story.
Hmmm, when I read the words "not just clop" I wasn't expecting much more than "porn with a plot." What I found was an incredibly detailed description of Fluttershy's thoughts and feelings while tending to her animals and herself. I am impressed, keep up the good work.
Magus Neon