Just an aspiring MLP FanFic Writer.
Rainbow Dash envisions a horrible disaster, in which everyone close to her, including herself, is killed. When she forces her friends away from the disaster, they originally consider themselves lucky. Until death hunts them down, one by one.
Edited By Derpy Defense Force
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The Twisted Brony,
While the concept isn't original (like you stated), besides the some of the grammar issues, "The Premonition Scene" wasn't exactly well executed since I think it lacked (but wasn't missing) in hints towards what might possibly go wrong and how each pony might die in the opening scene. Therefore, you missed the chance to build up the suspense of what is going to happen and making your reader guess the series of events that occur during the opening major accident that kills the Mane 6.
To the story's credit though, it does a fine job with writing the scenery and mood (although brought on a-bit harsh) of the atmosphere.
Overall, it's not a "terrible" attempt, but not exactly "good" as well. To which, I say you need to find an good editor to help you out with this story. In the meanwhile, it's going to get hit with down votes for "lack of originally" and "unnecessary character deaths..." sadly.
I would like to help by writing my own comment of criticism, but JR Black Wing pretty much covered everything for me. Since its your first story, and it does look like you've put effort into this, I won't downvote it. I'll just simply leave this comment suggesting you take what JR Black Wing says and learn all you can for it.
There's certainly hope for you yet. Keep writing and take criticism seriously, and you'll eventually get better and better. Good Luck.
ouch
slicing me up on this edge m8
Alright...this isn't that bad at all. Granted the train premonition here is cliche in the MLP horror world (trust me my second fic was a Final Destination fic with a very similar premonition). Some helpful advice is to take the deaths and add a lot more detail. Where Twiligt gets sliced in half, add in things about her internal organs falling out and the blood. Also try I extend the deaths further, maybe making them more ironic or unexpected than simple. Maybe with Twilight instead of having her simply sliced in half, maybe have it slice partway through her to where it keeps her alive until whatever blew her upper torso into Derpy happens.
I'm not saying change it, but I'm saying extend the scenes and making the deaths more ironic and greusome . Other than that I am kinda looking forward to what you can come up with...all I really came up with for mine is killing Pinkie with a mirror ball...so I hope that ou can think of awthimg better for the individual deaths, and remember to keep the "deaths list" and cheating death aspects alive!
Grammar. Other than that, it's not too bad. Revise and improvise. :)
Your short description is
That is completely useless to people who haven't seen Final Destination.
4822142 I definitely understand what you're saying. I should have thought harder about that, but I didn't think at the time that it would be so important. . . don't ask me why, but I didn't. So, I appreciate the criticism, thank you for the line about good scenery and mood, and I'll take what you said to heart, and make sure I use it.
4822240 I will, and I do take criticism seriously, so I will make sure that I use all the advice I can get.
4822502 I know that it's not exactly original, but a train is the most ideal place for a disaster in Equestria, since other possible means of disasters, like what happened in the 5 movies, for example, don't even exist, or at least are never mentioned. I'm definitely adding more detail in the individual deaths, since I'll have more to work with that could be more original, and focusing on only one pony at a time, in most cases. And don't worry. "The List", and cheating death are definitely going to be woven into the plot of the story.
4823189 That's true, but I just figured everyone has seen it. I don't even know why I wrote that. Cause if I'm a reader looking for a good story to read, and I read that description, it definitely doesn't scream READ ME. But I see you're point about people not seeing the movie before being confused.
A couple spelling errors (No. I'm not talking about Applejack's lines.), but other than that, it's good. Very interesting read.
4843742 Thanks
4844192 You're welcome. ^-^
When you end this story, do not, and I mean DO NOT end it the same way as the movies, as in everybody dies in the end, and Death wins! It's predictable and it's why the movies aren't so great! I know the moral of the franchise is you can't cheat death twice, but it's stupid and cliche!
You've made the classic mistake of mixing up your there, their, and they're, but other than that this seems enjoyable to me and I can't wait for more.
Have a nice day. You have talent, and I can't wait to see you progress as an author.
4844453 I'm not going to give any thing away, but that's not what I'm planning to do with this. I intend to put my own personal spin on it, and to make it more original, rather than cliched and repetitious. It may not come off as such right now, but I'm going to be more creative as the story progresses and more chapters are added.
4844702 Thanks, and I'll make sure I keep an eye out for there, their, and they're.
Well, so far it's good and faithful to the original material. The deaths are tragic, quick and gore as hell, so the spirit of Final Destination id definitely here.
About the MLP side, well. Rainbow is mostly well characterized, a bit quiet but none too far from canon. The rest need more characterization, I guess we'll see that in further chapters. Also, Derpy and Trixie need a reason for being there beyond being just 'cannon fodder' for dying. For example, how did Derpy managed to get into the Gala? Why is Trixie around the Mane Six as if nothing happened between them? Where is Dinky?
One final thought: I can't help to think that Fluttershy's death would be more fitting for Trixie, you know, a wheel.
blogs.mydevstaging.com/blogs/dadabase/files/2014/04/jLZz4Na.gif
Hmm.
In narrative terms, this is a good chapter. The actions and emotions seem to be in the right place. The characters are a little bland yet, and Rainbow Dash seems to be a little off. I suppose that the last one is due to the whole 'I just saw our deaths' thing.
Still no much reason for Derpy and Trixie being around.
I'll follow this, for now, to see where it goes.
Why was this canceled?