Twilight Sparkle sat in the library frowning down at a small pile of ash. “Dammit!” She screamed angrily at yet another failed attempt at the spell.
“Twilight, are you ok?” Spike asked as he came running in from the kitchen. Twilight pointed her hoof at the ash, still frowning at it.
“It happened again! I just don’t understand why I can’t get this!” Twilight yelled. Her horn lit up as she levitated an old tome in front of them. “I’ve read this passage a hundred times and practiced even more yet I still can’t get this spell to work!”
“Maybe something’s wrong with the spell”, Spike offered, “what’s it supposed to do anyway?”
“There’s nothing wrong with the spell, I’ve seen others doing it, I just can’t seem to get it right. Basically the spell is a form of fragmentation; using it correctly I should be able to break down any object into very specific parts.” Twilight explained. “For example, I’m trying to separate an apple into four parts, the stem, the skin, the solid inside and the juice.”
“Sounds like you’re just tearing it apart,” Spike said, with a small chuckle.
“It’s a little more complicated than that, Spike,” Twilight groaned, “and so far all I’ve done is completely incinerate the apples, I can’t seem to get the frequency of my magic right.”
Spike stepped over to Twilight’s side and rested his claw on her shoulder, “don’t worry Twilight you’ll get this, you can do anything you set your mind to.”
Twilight smiled down at her loving assistant and gave him a small hug, “thanks, Spike, I needed that. How about I give this one more try and then we’ll go down to Sugercube Corner for a snack break.”
“Sounds good to me” Spike said hugging back. “I do have one question though, why exactly do you need to be able to do this spell?”
“Oh it’s just for fun” Twilight giggled, turning back to her testing area and levitating a new apple into position.
“Right, fun, of course” Spike mumbled, rolling his eyes.
“Ok, here we go” Twilight said energetically as she lit her horn up once again.
In the air, just outside the library, Rainbow Dash was practicing her maneuverability. “Ok, gotta take these turns exactly right” she told herself as she shot through the air. She drew near her destination, “just another second”, she arrived at a group of clouds clustered close together and weaved through them at an incredible speed, avoiding even the smallest of contact with cloud. “Yes yes, almost got it” she narrowed her eyes and focused on the increasingly small gaps between the cloud. She was almost at the end, just a few more clouds.
“Hi Rainbow Dash” Pinkie screamed from her newest flying contraption that came out of a nearby cloud. Rainbow Dash, surprised by this, swerved to the side and went through the cloud. She lost her bearings and began to spiral out of control towards the building beneath them, “dammit Pinkie!” She yelled up to the giggling mare.
This is gonna hurt, she thought just as she was about to crash through the window.
Twilight crouched down, readying herself for one final test. She shot a rainbow coloured beam out at her target, however before it could make contact something came crashing through the window and into the beams path. From the sounds of the screams, it was Twilight’s friend Rainbow Dash.
“Oh Celestia, what the hay is happening!” Rainbow Dash screams barely audible over the sound of something being torn into several pieces. Smoke came from the end the end of the beam, covering the room in a thick fog.
Twilight quickly stopped the spell and called out into the fog, “Rainbow Dash! Are you ok?”
Twilight could hear what sounded like several ponies quickly moving throughout the fog. Each set of hoof steps sounded different, some were slow and soft, others were rough and heavy, one set sounded almost like pinkie pie’s bouncing. The library’s front door burst open, Twilight could just barely make out several pony shaped silhouettes leaving.
“Spike, are you ok?” Twilight called out.
“Yeah I think so, where’s Rainbow Dash?”
“I don’t know, but I saw a few ponies leaving.”
“A few?”
“Yes it’s strange… hold on a moment.” Spike could make out a small lavender glow amongst the fog, and suddenly it all started to clear up around him.
“Another one of your fun spells?” Spike asked sarcastically.
“Not now, Spike, Dash could be hurt,” Twilight barked at him.
The fog cleared and with Twilight now able to see around the room, she spotted Dash curled up on the ground next to the apple.
“Rainbow Dash, are you ok?” Twilight asked as she galloped to her friend’s side.
“Physically… I guess,” She moaned.
“What do you mean?” Spike asked, joining Twilight by Rainbow’s side.
“Oh you know,” she sighed “just thinking about how I’ll never achieve any of my dreams and I’ll probably just die some lonely old mare, wishing she was a wonderbolt while remembering all she did was clear clouds… just the usual stuff.”
“Rainbow Dash, this doesn’t sound like you at all, what happened to you?” Twilight asked, concerned she may have really done something terrible to Rainbow.
Rainbow Dash uncurled from her position and sat up, reveling her previously unseen mane and tail, which were no longer rainbow coloured, only cyan. Rainbow was slouched over and wore a sad look, giving off none of her usually bravado.
“Rainbow Dash! Your hair!” Twilight screamed, pointing a hoof at Rainbow’s head.
“I know it’s hideous,” Rainbow sniffled, tears starting to form in her eyes, “not even my hair can do anything right!” She cried, covering her face with one foreleg and mane with the other.
“No no no, I didn’t mean it like that,” Twilight said as she wrapped Rainbow Dash in a hug, resting Rainbow’s head on her shoulder.
“What happened to Dash, Twilight?” Spike asked from behind Rainbow.
“I don’t know, the spell must have done something awful.”
Spike scratch his chin in thought, “you said you saw a few ponies leaving right?”
“Well only silhouettes, but yes, they went through the door in a hurry,” Twilight gestured over to the library’s front door which was now almost off its hinges.
“Maybe the spell split Dash into multiple ponies” Spike offered “… would explain the tearing sound.”
“I don’t think it would do that… at least it shouldn’t,” Twilight looked down at the sobbing pony in her hooves then back up to Spike, “but your hypothesis does have some merit. Ok, I’ll grab the girls and we’ll take a quick look around town for any other Rainbow Dash’s.”
“Wait… what I’m supposed to do?” Spike asked.
“I need you to look through the book I was using and see if there’s a reversal spell, and take care of… uh… Sad Dash.”
“Sad Dash?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Just for easy reference, if needed,” Twilight said.
“I’ve never seen Dash this upset about anything, so why’s this Dash crying over everything?” Spike asked.
“Well assuming you’re right, this Dash can’t feel anything but sadness,” Twilight explained. “When normal ponies are sad they can be cheered up, since Sad Dash is nothing but sadness, she must be some kind of extreme form of that particular part of Rainbow… I’d hate to see what the others will be like…”
“Just talk about like I’m not even here… like everyone else” Sad Dash sobbed.
“Um Spike… would you mind?” Twilight asked, gesturing at the pony wrapped around her neck.
Spike stretched his claws out wide, “ok, come here… Sad Dash,” he said before being tackled to the ground by the sobbing mare.
“Ok looks like you’ve got everything handled here, see you later” Twilight quickly galloped out the door.
“Twilight… help” Spike squeaked as he was being crushed by Sad Dash.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I didn’t suck? No? That’s ‘cause it never happened” She sobbed.
“Oh Celestia help me,” Spike sighed.
Twilight stepped out of the library and quickly scanned the area around her. “None here” Twilight said to herself, “guess I’ll go grab the others and-”
“Hi Twilight!” Pinkie yelled, jumping out from nowhere.
“Dammit Pinkie, stop doing that.”
“Sorry Twilight, I was just floating around on my flying bike then saw Rainbow flying around and I said ‘Pinkie you go surprise your friend’, so then I did and Rainbow was all like, ‘dammit Pinkie!’ Then she I fell I said ‘Pinkie you’ve really done it this time, go apologize to the girls. That’s when I saw you and I said ‘Hi Twilight!’ and you said-”
“Pinkie! I know what happened then, I was there” Twilight grumbled.
“Oh right” Pinkie giggled, “so is Rainbow Dash ok? I would feel awful if she was hurt.”
“She’s fine Pinkie, well… relatively speaking,” Twilight said, causing Pinkie to tilt her head in confusion. “I’ll explain on the way, right now we need to get the other girls, and keep your eyes out for Rainbow Dash.”
“Wait…” Pinkie began, even more confused than before, “but I thought Rainbow was-”
“Like I said I’ll explain on the way, come on,” Twilight began trotting off in the other direction, towards the center of town.
“… and now we need to get our friends and track down all the other Dash’s,” Twilight explained. “Hopefully Spike will be able to find the reversal spell.”
“I’m sure he will,” Pinkie affirmed, “it’s so sad to hear about a pony who can’t be happy at all, you sure there’s nothing I could do for Sad Dash?”
“the best thing we can do for any of the Dash’s is restore them to their original form,” Twilight replied.
“So where should we start?” Pinkie asked, bouncing at Twilight’s side, eager to help out her friend.
“I think the best place to try first would be around the market stalls,” Twilight answered. “Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy might be there buying and selling whatnot, and I’m sure at least one part of Rainbow Dash would be hanging around there, so it seems to be a good place to start… hopefully if there is a Dash there, it’s not a bad one.”
“A bad one?” Pinkie asked, a little perplexed, “I didn’t think any part of Dashie was particularly bad.”
“Like I said before, these Dash’s aren’t going to be just like our friend, they’re each the extreme form of that particular emotion because they’ve been separated from all other emotions,” Twilight explained, “so for example, if one of Rainbow’s negative attributes is out there, no matter how small it may have seemed in Rainbow Dash, it will be very sinister alone.”
“So does this mean we could see some kind of… super ego Dash?” Pinkie asked.
“Actually Pinkie an ego and superego are two different things, you see-”
“Twilight,” Pinkie cut Twilight off, “do we really have time for this?”
“Right, later. For now, let’s go save our friend.”
The ponies shared a quick nod and sped off towards the market district. They kept their eyes sharp for any of the ponies they needed to find, weaving through various ponies scattered through the street, making their way there.
I’m sure it’ll be fine, Twilight told herself, I mean, how much trouble could a hoof full of Dash’s get up to anyway…… oh dear Celestia, we’re doomed.
LOL, this totally needs to be an actually episode xDDD
Why not refer to them by color?
You require a proofreader sir. But the story's concept is sound.
4819056 I concur with your hypthosis.
I'm surprised, though pleased, that Pinkie Pie wanted to apologize for making Rainbow Dash crash into Twilight's window. Luna Eclipsed and other episodes showed just how willing to apologize she really is.
The narration is readable but nothing to write home about, like the idea of a character being separated into separate emotions. At least Rainbow Dash's hair makes for easy reference.
I suggest you explain why Twilight, the element of magic, can't make her spell work, especially that she's seen others - most likely less skilled than her - succeed.
Also go read the guide for said tags. Yours leave a little to be desired.
Corrections;
'Accidents and Explainations' should be 'Accidents and Explanations'
add a comma after 'Twilight Sparkle sat in the library'
'She screamed angrily' should be 'she screamed angrily'
there's no need for a comma in 'Spike said, with a small chuckle.'
'and rested his claw on her shoulder, “don’t worry' should be 'and rested his claw on her shoulder. “Don’t worry'
'a small hug, “thanks Spike,' should be 'a small hug. “Thanks Spike'
add a comma after '“Sounds good to me'
samewise after '“Right, fun, of course”'
samewise after 'gotta take these turns exactly right'
skip to the next paragraph after '“Hi Rainbow Dash” Pinkie screamed from her newest flying contraption that came out of a nearby cloud.' since the two paragraphs are about different people
'beneath them, “dammit Pinkie!” She yelled up' should be 'beneath them. “Dammit Pinkie!” she yelled up'
'into the beams path.' should be 'into the beam's path.'
'Rainbow Dash screams barely audible' should be 'Rainbow Dash screamed, barely audible'
remove one 'the end' in 'Smoke came from the end the end of the beam'
there's no need for a space in 'hoof steps'
add a comma after '“Oh you know,” she sighed'
'reveling her previously' should be 'revealing her previously'
'giving off none of her usually bravado.' should be 'giving off none of her usual bravado.'
'She cried, covering her face' should be 'she cried, covering her face'
change the comma in 'they went through the door in a hurry,' to a period
'multiple ponies” Spike offered' should be 'multiple ponies,” Spike offered.'
change the comma in "at least it shouldn’t,”' to a period
'Spike, “but your hypothesis' should be 'Spike. “But your hypothesis'
add a comma after '“Just talk about like I’m not even here… like everyone else'
samewise after 'That’s ‘cause it never happened'
incidentally, find a way to avoid repeating 'she sobbed' after those two lines
add a comma after '“None here'
and
capitalize 'the' in '“the best thing we can do'
Comments;
I'd say this is a hyperbole... but this is Twilight we're talking about.
You can do the things
That can't be done
Twilight Sparkle
You can win the fights
That can't be won
When you're on a mission
You see it through
'Cuz this savin' the world thing
Is what you do
That's the way it has to be
It just comes so naturally
It's just you
Doin' the impossible, it's you
You're practically unstoppable
It's you
Totally unstoppable
It's you, it's you, it's you
You're Twilight Sparkle
Been there, Didn't do that.
I've always enjoyed the personality split idea. It really shows some psychological humor and poses a fun read. If I weren't reading this from my nook, I'd do a mini split in the comments with colored yext!
Good thing what Twilight intended for the apple DIDN'T happen to Dash, in both ways.
I'm thinking that would have been a bit... permanent.
Needs work, like, a decent amount of work.
Solid idea, and acceptable execution so far, but lacking.
Also, Twilight saying 'damnit' feels really, really odd. I suggest removing that/changing it.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I want to like this story. I really do. But there are multiple problems.
1. Your characterization is very flat and lifeless, as if you're doing the "fanfic of a fanfic" thing.
2. The idea (which is cliche, but usually fun to read) could have been handled a LOT better in general.
3. This story needs a second editing pass, preferably by a different, more skilled editor. These are the errors I caught just in passing:
Explanations
Pronouns (such as he and she) aren't capitalized in attribution. (Applies to every instance of this.)
Always spell out "okay" in prose. (Applies to every instance of this.)
That comma should be inside the quote mark.
It'd be better if that was a period after offered, and start a new sentence with “What’s.
Period should be a comma.
Again, you should have a period after shoulder and capitalize Don't.
Same thing here.
Sugarcube
Missing comma.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
This is a massive run-on with several grammatical errors.
Missing punctuation again.
And again.
This SHOULD be:
She lost her bearings and began to spiral out of control towards the building beneath them. “Dammit Pinkie!” she yelled up to the giggling mare.
You've either got a tense error or a missing word in that second sentence.
Wrong verb tense.
Capitalize please.
Missing punctuation.
Capitalize please.
revealing
usual
Missing comma.
Dashes
^me
Missing comma.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Just...what?
Missing comma again.
And again.
Missing capitalization.
You disrupted my suspension of disbelief from the word "Go." Well, actually, from the word "Dammit." I'm not asking that ponies keep to the TV-Y vocabulary, but Twilight cursing just doesn't feel right.
As for the story... yeah, you lost me halfway through the first chapter. It's just kind of generically lackluster. Sorry, but not my cup of tea.
4823955 I second that. I like the concept, but am not gone on this execution of it
In the words of MC Pinkie: "Hmm, I'm intrigued." *record scratch*
Fantastic premise but near impossible to read. Transitions are snappish and blunt, leaving any of the potential background a mystery to anybody who might not have any clue what Pony is. Aspects of Dash are wonderful thought, and I'd like to see more, but your writing style looks unseasoned right now. Good luck, though!
No offence but your writing skill is that of a ten year old.
4820782 - Would have turned this story into a grimdark, that's for sure.
This most definitely has some grammatical issues, but it seems really good so far, and I remember you talking to me about it forever and a half ago.
4824217
The concept is hella sick
but I agree as well, the execution could be tonnes better.
4819056
agreed here too,
IMO, it would have been better for them to dwell on the topic a bit further, with a nice dose of input from Sad Dash and some more stuff thrown into the mix.
again, just my opinion.
onward!
4826483 Prefacing an offensive statement with "no offense" doesn't, in any way, excuse you from actually being offensive, you know...
That'd be like walking up to someone and saying, "Hey, no offence, but you have a face only a mother could love and your massive buck teeth make you look like an inbred redneck."
A bit of an...extreme example, but it conveys my point well enough.
This is just like Ravenous Teen Titans Go when she got split into her 6 personalities
Frequency... In your mind, do you think of Magic as a radiation or something along those lines?
I want to like this story. I really do. I really like the concept of it, but I don't like how you wrote it. A lot of the characters in it are acting a bit out of character, and your grammar usage isn't that great. If I were you I'd suggest getting an editor. Heck, I'd even edit for you if you want me to. Now, after reading the description, I realize that you have an editor. Your editor either isn't that good, or he didn't really give a look-over. But anyway, I hope you can improve this story.
-bathroomstahl
This... is sorta freaky, but I like it!
Good story, but I think you may need an editor, you have multiple spelling and capitalization errors.
I agree with everybody else that you need a better editor, there are several grammatical errors which should have been easily rectified by a second pair of eyes. And while I do love the concept, the execution is a bit off. For example, I don't believe Twilight would have this much trouble with what she herself says is a relatively simple spell. Also, As much as I love Twilight, I've never seen her just jump to the right conclusion immediately, much less Spike. Even if she has a suspicion that she believes is correct, she'll never put her whole faith in it right away without some form of irrefutable proof, that's why Feeling Pinkie Keen was such a hard episode for her. Having said that, I'll reiterate that I really like the idea for this story and look forward to updates and editing.
Hee.
Hee heh ha.
Ha hahahaHAHAHA!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
it seems a bit rushed and quickly explained between characters.
I never knew Rainbow had a romantic side as well.
Anyway, awesome story!
BTW, Roomy.
sounded [the fic uses past tense verbs, so this verb needs to be past tense].
____________________
take care of
___________________
Not bad, looking forward to the rest. Although you do either need an editor, or a good pre-reader.
apostrophes are to denote possession, not plural.
maybe get a proofreader?
writing issues aside, a promising fic. The writing's not great, but that can always be changed later, if you're feeling ambitious.
Overall, your story's not bad, and it has a very promising premiss. However, you do have several grammatical, tense and word errors; people have already extensively commented on that, so I won't go into it. I will say, that you should definitely question your profanity usage, however mild it may be. It's too jarring, honestly, because it doesn't fit the characters very well, and it just comes across as forced. I'm not saying that profanity can't work, but this might be a situation where it's unneeded. Also, watch for redundancy issues, for instance:
We don't need to know that it's Rainbow who is thinking in this paragraph, instead you could say:
By changing the order like this we are already able to see that Rainbow is the subject of this paragraph, so we don't need to tell anyone that Rainbow is doing the thinking when its already clear that this paragraph is all about her. I also shortened it by a bit, remember: always try to condense your writing as much as possible, you want to cram in everything you can without leaving any empty space. Also, remember: when you have a new subject (Person, place, etc.), you start a new paragraph. Always. Also, notice the hashtags (###); these indicate to the audience that the writer is changing scenes.
Another redundant line is:
Again, we already know that Rainbow Dash is about to crash into the window, due to the previous scene, so you don't need to repeat it. Instead, say something like:
I did embellish it a bit at the end there, but nevertheless, you've probably heard the phrase "show don't tell," right? Well, don't just tell us "oh, btw she's Twilight's friend," instead, let the character's actions and words show that to us naturally. The way Twilight talks about Rainbow and how she acts around Rainbow will do the job of conveying to us that they're friends, as well as how close of friends they are.
Again, you've got a really solid premiss, it just needs a little fixing up, so proofread and rewrite, it will always make your writing better.
Btw, your story reminds me of that Raven episode from the Teen Titans on CN.
So far, way to fast paced, executed too abruptly, and why is everypony saying "Dammit." I don't see the Cast as being ones to swear.
This needs a LOT of editations.
The T in 'thanks' should be capitalized. When you continue a sentence from previous dialogue, then it shouldn't be upper-case. (Aside form obvious exceptions; like "I" and the first letter of someone's name.) When you finish the second half of a sentence in dialogue, you should still capitalize it.
Also, you should put your comma inside the parenthesis.
I think these are correct, but I'm no expert in proof-reading. You should probably get a talented editor.
Lastly, I love your concept. Maybe a little too quickly paced, but an enjoyable read.
-Kitty Pony
5063816 I think you need some, "editations" as well sir!
...Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Fabulous! I cant to finish the story! I am excited to see what happens next. Is it ok to do Fanart when im finished? I'm eevee adopt mart (the person who tried to guess their personalities) and will post some there! :D
This is too hilarious!!!
“Did I ever tell you about the time I didn’t suck? No? That’s ‘cause it never happened” She sobbed.
I feel your pain Dashie. I feel your pain
Ok, this needs some editing, but it's good! Really good!