"After all their crusades, all the failures from which they walked away, it was easy to forget they weren't invincible. Fate was a cruel mistress to take one of them from us at such a young age..."
Even Equestria's powerful magic can't heal every sickness. But years after Sweetie Belle passed away, an enterprising young bat uses her final brain scans to give the little unicorn a second chance.
Kaes says she has been running for her entire life. But was their something before that that she hasn't told? It seems impossible to know, but something seems oddly familiar about her to Rarity. Could she..? No, she couldn't be!
Um... what's going on? you jump straight into something, that we don't even know about i'm beyond confused. god forbid can you tell me what's going on? thought there was a happy ending that i couldn't make sense of. not hating just confused
This actually seems like the setup for a really cool darkfic take on Sweetie Bot, but it's just the setup. There's no lead-in and no conclusion, just a brief exploration of a premise. The story is given no time to develop, and the second chapter just dumps exposition on us without clarifying anything. I don't know what KAE's deal is. I don't know what the kenshin are. I don't know why robots are involved at all.
Work on your pacing, spread out your exposition, and develop your ideas further, and this might become something really interesting.
I just can't make sense of this.
Well you jumped straight into that didn't you? not being mean just saying
Wow that could have fit on one page and i was confused most of the way. But... i like tea and wine... with cheese so you know good job i guess?
Um... what's going on? you jump straight into something, that we don't even know about i'm beyond confused. god forbid can you tell me what's going on? thought there was a happy ending that i couldn't make sense of. not hating just confused
This actually seems like the setup for a really cool darkfic take on Sweetie Bot, but it's just the setup. There's no lead-in and no conclusion, just a brief exploration of a premise. The story is given no time to develop, and the second chapter just dumps exposition on us without clarifying anything. I don't know what KAE's deal is. I don't know what the kenshin are. I don't know why robots are involved at all.
Work on your pacing, spread out your exposition, and develop your ideas further, and this might become something really interesting.
Good premise for a story, but it just seems like you're just putting one scene in and making it like a chapter.
I think I get the story.
An interesting way to spend 5 minutes of your life.