A Pony of Particular Taste

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Nugget

Nugget #1 · Jul 31st, 2014 · · ·

Pony of Lore,

While the "Mass Murder on the lose" in Ponyville isn't exactly new (yet it still can be pulled off), I hate to admit this... But the constant grammar errors, missing context, and overall pace doesn't exactly give the proper justice to the story. To which I will highlight some parts...

Twilight awoke slowly in her bed to the sound of some pony pounding frantically on her door . As if it wasn’t hard enough to get used to sleeping in this darn castle, she had ponies banging on her door every other hour and at all hours of the night ~~that needed things~~. Most of the time they weren’t even anything important and that above all really bugged her; she needed a request box.

Now this is one thing that I have had to struggle with as writer myself. However past and present tenses don't really mix, especially when it's part of your narrative.

Also, you keep switching between first person and third person (First person marked by the ~~cross out~~) throughout the entire paragraph. While the error isn't exactly present in the rest of the story, it can be distracting and often very annoying. Therefore if you are going to describe how she feels in the first paragraph (and throughout the rest of the story), just be aware of that and make her feelings flow with the story. Like:

- She woke up groggy an irritated by the door knocking.
- She slumped out of bed and mumbled that she needed a request box.
- She stomped over the to the door and slowly opened it up.

To which if it's done that way (flown into each other), you can fill in where your missing context is and not have it be a point "A" straight to "Z" type of writing here:

Twilight rose from her bed, fixed up her bed head, grabbed her crown and made her way to the door.

Also, there was a lot of commas around your quotes. Past tense errors in Red.

“I am sorry to disturb your sleep Princess Twilight, but this is a matter of utmost importance and we felt that you should know about it immediately,” Sheriff Gold Star said while he lowered his head.

“It’s in town square. We must hurry and document it before the rest of the town wakes up. I don’t want them to see this,” said Gold Star as he began to trot towards the town square.

“Sweet Celestia what is that putrid smell. Oh I think I’m going to barf,” she said while she tired to hold it back.

Anyways, I do hope you find this quite helpful since I'm not wanting to bash on you and your story. To which I hope you continue to write it in hopes of improving upon your skills as you grow as a writer while taking in some helpful criticism from the Bronies on this wonderful site.

Don't ever quit writing buddy! /)

- JR Black Wing

Pony of Lore

Pony of Lore #2 · Jul 31st, 2014 · · ·

4777727 not only do I appreciate this, I welcome it. I could actually use and editor if you wouldn't mind.

Nugget

Nugget #3 · Jul 31st, 2014 · · ·

4777896 You're welcome, but I afraid I'm going to have to decline on the offer. However, I would recommend you check out the groups on site and see if you can find someone that would be willing to help you out, buddy.

Other than that, I wish you good luck!

- JR Black Wing

Pony of Lore

Pony of Lore #4 · Jul 31st, 2014 · · ·

4779028 Still I thank you for your input. Truth be told I am usually more careful with things like spelling errors and missing past and present tense. Was just an all around bad day but because and few others around me think so, I shall continue to write.

QuietBrush