When Life Gives You Lemons...
Alexis adjusted her sunglasses before pressing the button on the console in front of her. She had waited almost a year for this moment. Soon, the world would be hers. With the Earthquake Beam at her command, the world would gladly accept her ultimatum of handing all of Earth over to her to prevent annihilation. The Cold War would end, Capitalism and Communism would stop warring with each other, and everyone would be united under her rule. The world would love her, and she’d finally have the adoration she deserved. And if they didn’t accept… Well, that’s why she was testing the boosters for the rocket. To deploy the satellite with the doomsday weapon, she’d have to have working thrusters, just in case the world said “no”.
Humming evilly to herself, Alexis pressed the button, and the dead volcano’s crater was filled with arcing electricity as her loyal science minions monitored the status of the boosters. The thrusters started to work, but she’d need a full minute of non-stop firing to be sure they wouldn’t fail to launch the rocket.
Suddenly, she heard a commotion from inside the crater: more accurately, in the southeast corner, where the completed satellite was being stored. She chanced a glance at the satellite, and her blood ran chill: the one man who she just couldn’t defeat was sabotaging the satellite!
“Steele,” she growled before barking orders. “Men! Seize him! Make sure S.A.B.R.E. knows not to trifle with me! Not even with their so-called ‘super agent’!”
The man in a white tuxedo coat and black slacks looked up and saw her glaring right at him.
“You’re insane, Alexis!” John Steele shouted as he tried to fend off the martial artists who swarmed him. “The world is too big for one woman to rule!”
At that moment, time seemed to slow as a stray arc of electricity sped towards the sabotaged satellite. If it struck, who knew what would happen? The Earthquake Beam used alien technology stolen from Roswell! What would electricity do to it?
Alexis and her entire base soon found out.
As electricity struck the tampered satellite, it exploded, creating a massive tear in time and space that started to suck the entire island into it.
“Curse you, John Steele!” Alexis screamed as the island fell into the abyss. “If I ever see you again, I’ll make sure you die!”
The super agent said nothing as he stared in horror at what was happening. All the minions started to run around in panic. Even the technicians didn’t know what to do to fix the satellite, if fixing it would even help at all.
After what felt like an eternity, the island stopped falling, and it shook as it landed somewhere with a loud crash.
Alexis was the first to pick herself up off the ground, holding her head as she tried to regain her balance.
“What happened?” she muttered. “Eli! Status report!”
Eli Barracuda stood up and started combing his Afro with one hand as he pulled out a walkie-talkie with the other and spoke into it.
“Matron!” he barked into the radio. “Something funky just went down! Alexis wants the sitch!”
After listening to the radio, Eli walked over to Alexis and said, “sister, no one knows where we are. Some serious funk is messin’ with the control room! We got no signal!”
“Then we’re probably not on Earth anymore,” Alexis stated simply. “Nothing to hack, I presume.” She looked around, and noticed that someone was missing. “Wait, where’s Steele?”
“He just disappeared!” Billy Bob, one of her bodyguards said after looking around. “One moment he was here, next, he’s gone! Poof!”
“Okay, we’ll worry about Steele later,” Alexis replied. “Let’s build a surveillance satellite, and use the rocket to put it in space. I know that means we’ll have to make another rocket for the Earthquake Beam, but we need to know where we are!”
“On it, sister!” Eli said with a salute. “We’re gonna get outta this funk!”
Meanwhile, John Steele found himself in a castle. One he didn’t recognize.
“This isn’t Buckingham Palace,” he muttered to himself as he walked through a hallway. “I’ve been all over S.A.B.R.E. territory, and I’ve never seen this place before. Maybe I’m in S.M.A.S.H. territory? This sure doesn’t look like anything I’d find in P.A.T.R.I.O.T. territory, that’s for sure. And H.A.M.M.E.R. and A.N.V.I.L. don’t have any palaces of this style.”
As he turned a corner, he bumped into something. After picking himself up off the ground, he blinked, but what he saw didn’t change… And it was staring right back at him: a white horse with a horn, wings, a flowing mane of pastel colors, and… What seemed to be royal regalia?
“What the bollocks? Did Alexis catch me and drug me?” he said while the strange horse spoke at the same time.
“What the buck? I really need to lay off the hard cider,” it said in an obviously feminine voice.
“Okay, this is making even less ruddy sense than before,” John said with a hand on his temple in preparation for the migraine he was probably about to have. “This is all kinds of impossible.”
“Either I had a lot more hard cider than I thought last night, or I’m dreaming,” the equine stated with a hoof to her own temple.
Wait, horses’ legs can’t bend like that! John thought, starting to feel the beginnings of the headache he was expecting.
“Okay, this is getting stranger and stranger,” Steele groaned. “First, horses can’t speak. Second, equine limbs can’t bend that way. Third, those wings and horn are impossible. No horse has those. And finally, where on Earth is this supposed to be?”
The equine just stared at the super agent for a few seconds before clearing her throat and addressing him directly.
“First, I’m a pony, not a horse,” she replied. “There’s a large difference between us and them. That’s why I can speak and bend my limbs in ways you claim are ‘impossible’. As for my wings and horn, I’m an Alicorn. And as for your last question, I don’t know where ‘Earth’ is, but you’re in Canterlot Palace in the nation of Equestria. Does that clear everything up?”
Now it was Steele’s turn to stare. “But, how wouldn’t I be on Earth? I can’t just have…”
He trailed off into silence for a few seconds before slapping his forehead and saying, “of course! The explosion! It created some kind of hole, and the island fell into it!”
“Wait, what?” the pony said, still not fully comprehending what was going on. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ll explain in a bit,” Steele replied, his headache vanishing in an instant. “First, this is the first encounter humans have made with extraterrestrial lifeforms, so on behalf of the entire human race, allow me to say that I’m honored to make first contact.”
“So, you’re saying you’re from another world?” the pony asked.
John nodded in the affirmative.
“Well, on behalf of Equestria, I, Princess Celestia, welcome you to Equus, Mister…”
“My name’s Steele, Your Majesty. John Steele,” the super agent said with a bow. Might as well show proper respect now that he knew he was talking to royalty.
“Well, Mr. Steele, it’s a pleasure to meet a member of a newly discovered race,” Celestia said warmly. “Now, if you’d follow me, I’d like to ask you some questions about how you got here.”
Back on the island, Alexis was preparing to launch the new satellite. She had one hand hovering over the launch button while she waited for her minions to clear the silo.
“All the minions have left the silo, and the control room is fully staffed,” Lord Kane told Alexis after surveying the crater. “We can launch at any time.”
“Perfect,” Alexis purred. “Let’s get this show on the road!”
With that, she slammed her hand on the launch button, and a loudspeaker started to count down the seconds until launch.
“Commence final launch sequence. Opening outer doors." The mechanical doors at the top of the volcano slid open, letting sunlight stream into the silo. "Three… Two… One… Ignition. Liftoff.”
Alexis watched as the rocket left the silo and flew into space, dropping one stage after another into the ocean until the rocket flew too high to see anymore.
“Okay, time to get to the control room,” she announced to her henchmen and bodyguards. “Let’s see what this new world is like.”
Alexis led the procession of herself, her two bodyguards, her six henchmen (Eli Barracuda, Montezuma, Lord Kane, The Great Mesmero, Jubei, and Red Ivan) and The Matron, her lone henchwoman. The ten of them made their way through the base to the control room where all twelve control stations were being staffed. The minions in the room all gasped to see Alexis herself had arrived, and they quickly busied themselves with poring over their stations to try to be the first one to get information from the satellite so as to please their entrancing employer.
After a few minutes of silence save for the beeping of the control stations, a lowly construction worker minion turned to look at Alexis and said, “Ma’am, I’ve got a connection!”
“Good work,” Alexis said with a tiny smile and a nod. “Put the information on the big screen.”
The worker started typing like mad to please her, and within seconds, the big screen at the front of the room lit up with a surveillance map of the new planet.
“Just like I thought,” Alexis announced. “A whole new planet. Well, since Steele wouldn’t let me get my adoration from Earth, we’ll just conquer this world, instead! I will have the fame and glamor I desire! This whole world will love me!”
She let out an evil laugh, and her bodyguards started cheering and clapping. They did that whenever she laughed. It was so predictable.
“Forgive me for speaking up, Ma’am,” a technician minion said, “but how are we going to take over this world? With nothing to hack, how are we going to get the necessary information to know what we’re up against?”
“Actually, that’s a really good question,” Alexis replied, rubbing her chin in thought. “But I already have an answer to it: we keep staffing the two hotels we built as a cover operation, and get word out that there’s a jungle island paradise in this location. The natives will most likely show up in spades to this ‘recently discovered’ island, and we’ll just abduct anyone who looks knowledgeable about this world. Who knows? Maybe they have a different infrastructure we could hack if we just knew more about their technology!”
The whole room burst into applause, and Alexis soaked in the adoration. It was something she craved. No. It was something she needed! And here was a new world, entirely unaware of her existence, just perfect for getting her required adoration from!
Look out, new world, the New World Order is coming, and I’ll be at its head! Alexis thought with a sinister grin.
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except turn all of her technology into chocolate............. also the regal sisters have super magic laser cannons.
Ooooo, this should be good. I only played as Shen, but this should still be very good.
4762570
Man, Maximillian was the bomb though. Nothing quite like a short german with a temper.
4762785 But his special talent was pointless.
It was a very fun game, though
4762832 He does start with Jubei, though. There's always that.
4763022 True...
Okay, here's a hint for the chapter 1 challenge: the pony is from Ponyville.
One hint will be provided per day until the challenge is solved.
I would say she reminds me either of Rarity or Blueblood....
4766528 Blueblood is a good guess, but I'm thinking of somepony else. Remember, I said Ponyville. Also, it's not Rarity. Rarity's not even close to mean enough or spoiled enough.
Wat
Evil genius crossover
...
Just...
Wat