Don't Stop For Anything

Many years have passed, the mane 6, except Twilight, have grown to be elders, and the CMC have acquired their cutie marks. Except Scootaloo. She's learned to fly, but has yet to got any sort of mark on her flank, except a few bruises here and there.

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1 · 16th Jul 2014 · 356 words
356
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 2 · 16th Jul 2014 · 346 words
346
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 3 · 16th Jul 2014 · 377 words
377
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 8 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 8
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Defender9to5

Defender9to5 #1 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Why did the make such short chapters, it would be easier to just put it in one chapter

Kaptein

Kaptein #2 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

I'm going to put my comments on the story as a whole into one comment here, instead of keeping them on each chapter:

In general, your writing is very tight and tidy - but there are some areas that stumble. The tense in the third chapter seems wrong (to me). I would have used 'had' instead of 'has' to put it into a proper past tense.

There was a light knock on the front door. Scoot's ears perked up and got up then headed to the door. She slowly opened the door, only to see Apple Bloom. "Scoot's, why are you up here, in our old tree house?" Apple Bloom said to Scootaloo, confused.

I'm just using this as an example. You're being repetitive. We already know there's a front door - so you don't need to mention it each time.

I would word it like so:

There was a light knock on the front door. Scoot's ears perked up as she (re-worded for better sentence flow) got up, heading to it (Door has been replaced by 'it'. It's shorter, reads quicker and promotes better flow). Slowly opening it, she saw Applebloom. (Cutting away excess information - Scoots and interacting with the door, thus implying AB is behind it). "Scoot's, why are you up here, in our old tree house?" Apple Bloom asked (There is only one pony AB can speak to - that's Scootaloo), confused.

Another example in Chapter 2:

Scootaloo walked through the doors of the Ponyville retirement home, ~~She walked~~ walking (joined the two sentences together - better flow) over to one of the mares that worked there, who was cleaning. (This can be on its own line)Scoot's caught her attention ~~by saying~~ (The quotation marks already show that she's talking) "Um, miss?"

These are just a few examples - but keep it up! We all started at some point and what you have here is far better than what I was doing when I first started writing.

The story...I'm not really a fan of the ending. Have Scootaloo earn her happy ending. maybe if she was hospitalized or something? I dunno - not my story xD

shipper me timbers

shipper me timbers #3 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

4703251 Hi! Thanks for the tips, the reason some parts of it weren't that well was because it was 2 in the morning XD But thanks for the compliments also! I'll make sure to remember these tips :)

shipper me timbers

shipper me timbers #4 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

4702520 I don't know honestly :/

shipper me timbers

shipper me timbers #5 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · · Chapter 3 ·

4703251 Oh! And one more thing, if you want me too, like I put in the authors note in the last chapter.... I think anyways. BUT, if you want me too, I can write an alternate ending that's a happy ending. I meant for it to not be a happy ending, you know, kinda like my little dashie. Your choice bro :)

Kaptein