Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

What Does the Fox Say?

So here I am, doing my foxy thing, sneaking around.

Because you have to be sneaky around Yellow Pony's cottage. No buts about it. That big Yellow Pony's as nice as can be to every critter around her, sure, but she doesn't quite take to predation as such. So, when a foxy guy such as myself feels a bit snackish, little chipmunks, squirrels, and bunnies tend to 'go on vacation' or 'move to Fillydelphia'. We clean up the mess, move on, and the happy yellow pony stays happy.

So, I slink behind the bushes, and I creep up to the door. Lucky me, it's open. I don't have to use the window or the chimney. That's good, because when I use the window, I always end up tracking potting soil inside, which makes the yellow pony ask awkward questions about what I was doing inside, and where mister brown bunny went. I don't like taking the chimney, either. Doing that makes me change from red fox to black fox, and personally, I find the vixen ladies much prefer red fox.

I wait for a good few minutes, and I watch that door. Nothing goes in, nothing goes out. Looks pretty quiet. Time to dart in for a snack. Turns out, I picked a less than ideal moment for my darting.

Just as I'm jumping in, Yellow Pony is going out. My head gets pretty well acquainted with Yellow Pony's head.

We both bounce back, and we both shake our heads and stare at each other. After a few blinks to clear away some weird little stars circling my head, everything looks normal.

“Oh, I'm terribly sorry,” Yellow Pony says.

Now, it's weird that Yellow Pony can speak fox... and squirrel, and bunny, and bird, and every critter there ever was. Unnatural. Each critter is supposed to speak one thing, and that's how the world works, except for Yellow Pony.

“No biggie,” I say back. By now, there's no point in shouting at her for totally ruining my sneaky entrance.

“Here, um, I was just leaving, go on in. I left plenty of fresh carrots out for all the critters to share.” Yellow Pony glanced back inside. “Hm, that's weird... they all left for some reason. Usually they love fresh carrots.”

My head slumps and my belly growls. All the tasty little critters inside would be hiding now that my entrance was ruined. “Nah, I think I'll go for a walk,” I say.

Yellow Pony blinks at me. “Well, um, okay. Whatever you want.” She gets up and trots away, singing a happy little song. She's singing in fox, which is pretty strange, especially since it's not even a fox song, but I shrug it off.

I get up, too. Yellow Pony's house isn't the only place to find a good meal. A lot of times, it's not even the easiest. I start off toward Orange Apple Pony's place with a nice rolling lope that eats up the ground quick. Orange Apple Pony doesn't like it when bunnies eat her carrots, so she doesn't mind it when an enterprising fox walks off with one. Bunnies at Apple Place aren't as easy to catch, but it's a lot more straightforward.

Before long, I see lots of apple trees. I'm a quick fox, and it's not far. Just past that, there's the carrot and cabbage fields, and I can already smell tasty bunnies. I lope almost all the way up to the fence before crouching down and sneaking up to it. Gotta be sneaky here too. A fox's gotta be sneaky pretty much anytime he wants dinner, after all.

“Well howdy, there, little critter!”

I almost jump up, almost. I know better than to break cover. What freaks me out though, isn't that Orange Apple Pony is there, but that I could understand her, even though she was clearly speaking pony!

“You gonna help me thin out the bunny population here? I gotta say, I'd be much obliged.” She tips her hat toward me.

“What?” I say. “How did you do that? How do I understand you?”

The Apple Pony's eyes go wide. She was leaning on the fence, but now she nearly fell off. “What the hay! Who taught you to speak Equestrian? It was Fluttershy, wasn't it? An' how'd you get her cutie mark?”

“I... uh... wow.” I blink. This is really strange.

“Consarn it!” Orange Apple Pony stomped off. “I'm gonna have a talk with that pegasus. This just ain't natural.”

I sit by the fence and watch her storm off. A glance down at my butt confirms it: I do have three pink butterflies there, though they're harder to see against my red fur. A glance back out in the field confirms something else: all the bunnies have run off after the Apple Pony's outburst.

My belly growls again, and I'm inclined to join it. I growl, but it comes out as more of a groan. I think I don't like this pony voice already.

But, if I've got a pony voice, maybe I can get pony food. That could work. And I know where the pony food is. It's in Pony Town.

My mind set, I head away from Apple Place. I've got a whole new world of pony talking to try out.

⁂

Lots of ponies give me weird looks as I foxtrot into Pony Town. Foxes don't usually go here, not in the daytime at least.

I give them weird looks right back. Pony town is strange. There's big pony dens all around, built above the ground with windows and roofs and things, and there's big ponies walking everywhere and almost stepping on me, and I spot Yellow Pony running around and yelling. Now, that's not normal for Yellow Pony. Usually she's quiet. The weird thing is, she's yelling in fox. I can't quite make out the words, but it's definitely fox. Ponies are giving her weird looks, too.

I find my way to the market the same way I find my way anywhere. I follow my nose. It's even busier here, and I have to step quick to avoid being stomped on, because a lot of the big dumb ponies don't even notice little old me.

Looking around, I spot a likely prospect: a pony stepped up to a stall, and walked away shoving something into her mouth. Food!

As fast as I run up, a couple ponies get in my way. But I've seen enough of how this works. I step into line behind them. As soon as they leave, it'll be my turn.

One pony leaves in the front of the line, and another one steps up behind me. “Are you lost, little critter?” he says.

I turn to look at him. He's big and brown, and I haven't seen this pony before. “I know exactly where I am.”

He blinks at me. Then he doesn't blink for a while. Then he blinks again. The pony in front of me leaves, and I step up to the counter, but still he doesn't move.

I don't care. I can finally get what I came for. I hop up, hanging my front paws on the counter so I can poke my head up over it. “A food please!”

The shopkeeper is an even bigger and browner pony, but he only raises an eyebrow at seeing a fox talking pony language.

“Um, sure, what'll it be? We've got hay cakes and grassy burgers, with any toppings you want. You won't find better in this whole market!”

I give a little foxy frown at the options so far. “How about mouses?”

The pony laughs. “We don't have any mice in here, no sir! This here's a grade-A clean and healthy food stand.”

“Chicken?” I ask. I could go for a nice fat hen right now.

“Oh no. The antique chicken stall's just across the way there.” The pony points to a blue tent on the other side of the market. “Just hay cakes and grassy burgers here.”

I grimace at the options, but this is pony food. Ponies seem to like it. Maybe it's actually good? I can always just throw it away if it's as nasty as it sounds. “Um... okay. Grassy burger, please.”

The pony smiled. “Good, good. That'll be three bits, and all the toppings for it are just to your left there.”

“Bits?” What's he talking about now?

“Yes,” the pony says slowly, “you need money to trade for food here.”

I let my feet slip off of the counter and slink away. Where am I going to get money? Maybe the chicken stall wouldn't be as difficult, and at least they would have tasty chicken, not nasty grass and hay.

Dodging pony hooves all the way across, I go over to the chicken stall. There's no ponies in line here. I can hop right up to the counter.

“Chicken please!” I call out as soon as my head pops up above the counter.

“It's a chicken you're after? Well, you've come to the right place!” This pony doesn't even bat an eye at a talking fox. “We've got your bantams, leghorns, buckeyes, redcaps, and even appenzellers. Cocks and hens of each! What'll it be?”

Now that is mouthwatering... but all the chickens on display are a little too grey and a lot too motionless. “What's wrong with them all? Why don't they move?”

“Move?” The pony laughs. “They wouldn't be antique chickens if they moved!”

I sniff at one of them. It just smells like stone, not like chicken. I fall back down to the ground again. Pony Town is confusing, and as I'm finding out, pretty useless as a place to find food. My belly growls again.

“Come back again soon,” the pony calls out to me as I leave.

Not likely. Not unless he gets real chickens.

I wander aimlessly among the pony hooves, slowly making my way out of town. Maybe I could try Yellow Pony's cottage again.

Lots of ponies around me are looking at me, but a lot of them don't seem to care. They keep talking anyway. I still can't get used to hearing pony language.

“I am so glad we went to the spa, Daisy,” one of them says. “It just melts all your troubles away and makes everything better.”

Now that sounds like something I could use! I seem to have a lot more troubles that need melting today than I had yesterday. But, before I can ask the pony about it, she's gone, disappeared into the crowd. Now how am I going to find this place?

I jump in front of another pony. This one's grey and yellow. I hadn't seen this pony much before, but I knew enough to keep out of her way when she was flying. Luckily, she was walking, and politely stopped before trampling me.

“Hey, pony, where's the spa?” I ask.

Her eyes go even more cross-eyed when she hears me talk, but she looks around anyway. Eventually, she points straight up.

I look up. There's no 'spa' there. Just a couple wispy clouds.

Her brows furrow, and her eyes cross even more. She shakes her head and moves her hoof to point at a nearby building.

Still unsure about following this pony's directions, I head inside. The door is heavy, and I can barely push it open, but I do. As soon as I'm inside, a little bell rings, and two ponies pop out into the room. One's blue and pink, and the other's pink and blue. It makes me blink my eyes a little, but after I do, there's still two of them.

“Vhat a beautiful little fox!” one says.

“Ve don't get many foxes here!” the other adds.

I squint at them. “Is this 'the spa'? Can I get some troubles melted?”

They both prance happily. “Indeed it is!” one says.

“I've never seen a talking fox,” the other one adds.

I back away just a step. “But you want 'money', right?”

“Oh no, not at all!” the pink and blue one says.

“The first visit's alvays free!” the blue and pink one adds.

I smile a foxy little smile. Finally, something seems to be going right. “Okay, let's go.”

They lead me into a back room and gesture toward a bubbling tub. “Ve don't usually get to vork with foxes,” one says.

“But ve think it's going to be fun!” the other adds. “Let's start off with a nice, relaxing soak to soften up the hair and relax the muscles. Aloe, you can get the massage table ready for a smaller guest, please?”

As the other pony leaves, I decide to go with it, and I hop into the big tub of bubbly water. It feels surprisingly nice, actually. I'd never swam in water so warm before. Thanks to the steps in the side, I could even just sit there in the water, not even needing to swim.

“Good, good,” the remaining pony says. “You relax for a vhile, and soon, the massage. Yell out if you are needing anything!” She turns and trots out the same door the other pony had.

I let the nice smells and bubbly water relax me. That pony in the town was right: all my troubles are melting away. I even feel less hungry.

⁂

Spas take a lot more time than I expected, but when I leave, I feel nice and clean... even sparkly, and that's something I never expected to be, as a fox.

Outside, the sun is shining bright, ponies are walking around and smiling at me, and birds are singing jubilantly... tasty, tasty birds.

My belly growls again.

It's time to get out of this crazy town and find somewhere I can get real food. No fox wants stone chickens and grass on a bun. So I trot off, but as soon as I do, I hear voices from a nearby bush.

“Look, there he is!”

“Ssh!”

“Do you really think this is going to work?”

“I'm pretty sure she's in place, and it's the right time of year for fox mating, so they should... um... get along pretty well.”

I flick an ear at the bush, but I keep walking. There's no point in getting mixed up in crazy pony conspiracies when I'm long overdue for a meal.

From around a corner, though, comes a vision of loveliness. Her fur is silky and shining, her bushy tail is held high, and she has the cutest black marks on her ears. She winks at me and says, “Yiff?”

I freeze in my tracks. Even in my food deprived state, such a vixen is enough to distract me completely. I try to say 'Yiff!' back to her, but it comes out as “Hi, babe, how are you doin'?” I blink. Why am I speaking pony language?

She cocks her head over to the side cutely and blinks at me. “Brrak yiff yiff?”

“Um, I'm sorry, what?” I shake my head. Why can't I speak fox? “Hey, let's go to the–”

“Brrak!” She backs up a little, staring at me strangely.

“It's okay, really. I just...”

She jumps up and runs away at full speed. I start to run after her, but a bunch of ponies jump out of the bushes in my way. I'm about to dart around them fox-like, but then I notice that Yellow Pony is one of them.

I run up to her. “Make it stop! Make be able to speak fox again!”

The Orange Apple Pony slaps a not-yellow winged pony on the shoulder. “Heh he! I told y'all it would work! He's as eager as can be to fix it now!”

Another steps forward. I know this one; I saw her a couple times before, though she didn't have wings back then. She's Purple Smart Pony. “Okay,” she says, “now, we just need to reverse the process that caused this in the first place. From the drawings Fluttershy gave us, I think we need the two of you to headbutt each other.”

My eyes instantly lock on to Yellow Pony. She cringes back, but I'm already running at her.

She wilts down, almost crying, but just before I hit her, she seems to make up her mind. She jumps toward me.

The next few moments are a blur. I'm lying on my back in the grass, and there are voices all around me, pony voices. Sadly, I can still understand them.

“Do you think it worked?”

“Fluttershy, dear, are you feeling all right?”

“Whoo-wee, that sure did a number on the fox!”

“Fluttershy, say something!”

A low, foxish growl comes from Yellow Pony, then a surprised bark. I can't understand that.

I roll over, righting myself on the grass, but I'm still too dizzy to stand all the way up. “I don't think it worked,” I say.

A lot of faces around me get all frowny. They look at each other a lot, but they don't talk.

“Okay, girls, time for plan 'B',” Purple Smart says. “He somehow got Fluttershy's cutie mark, and this isn't the first time I've dealt with mismatched cutie marks.” She takes a deep breath. “Here it goes... From all of us together, together we're friends. With the marks of our destinies made one, there is magic without end! ”

There's a really bright flash, and I do feel something different. “Yes! It worked!” I blink. No, no it didn't. I said that in pony talk.

All the ponies around me gasp. They're staring at me.

Oh no. What did that bad pony magic to do me now? I look down at my paws. They're still fine, black tipped and handsomely normal foxy paws. I look at my back, and my jaw drops. I have wings! I cover my face with my paws, only to find another discovery: I have a horn! I cringe down to the ground. What kind of awful fox-mutant am I now?

The not-yellow wingpony is the first to say something. “Oh my gosh, Twilight! You created a foxicorn!”

Purple Smart Pony looks down at me and frowns. “Oh.” She purses her lips. “Rainbow Dash, go to the new library and get Spike to send a letter. We need Princess Celestia here. And tell her to get Princess Luna, too. She's better at transformation magic.” As the not-yellow pony soars off, Purple Smart pats my head. “Well, welcome to the royal family, I guess.” She glances around and adds quietly, “This is awkward.”

The End

Author's Note: