Winters First Love

by Wise Owl

Being Honest

It was almost 2a.m. A sky blue pegasus just couldn't get to sleep.
"Agh!" she groaned she just could not get a special purple alicorn mare out of her head, over time she started developing strong feelings for Twilight Sparkle.

She finally admitted to herself how much she actually loved her.
"I need to tell her how I feel! But how?" She thought hard for a few minutes.
"Maybe I can tell one of my friends! But Rarity is in Canterlot for her dress making business, Fluttershy would be to shy to even talk about it and Pinkie Pie..... well she would go postal!"

"But maybe I could ask Apple Jack for some advice on how to tell twilight how I feel."
When she conveniences herself to go to AJ for help she finally goes to sleep from exhaustion.

After a day of getting ready for the first snow storm of winter, she finally finishes and flies down to Sweet Apple Acres were Apple Jack lives. As she walks throw the orchard towards the farm (which was a good 30 min walk), she stops.

"Why is it so hard to admit it."
"What is so hard to admit, Rainbow?"
I turn around in surprise and let out a sigh of relief; it was just AJ.
I forced the words out. "I was actually looking for you."

"What for sugarcube. Is something wrong? "
I bit my lip not wanting to say more but I continue.
"No nothing is wrong. I just came to ask you for some advice........ in private."
"Okay sugarcube, come now sit down next to me." She still had some concern in her voice but also with a hint curiosity.

We sat down under a big tree over looking the fields. Both of us didn't talk for a while, finally Apple Jack broke the silence. "So what did ya want to talk about?"

"I need some advice on how to tell......" I trailed off not wanting to say more.
"How to tell...." she beckons me to continue.
I continued to hesitate to say more "a special somepony that I l-love....."

I stop not wanting to say that I'm in love with a mare not a stallion.
Apple Jack smiles "Oohh advise about that!"
"So who's the lucky stallion? Tell me so I can help ya."
"You promise not to laugh or be grossed out or tell." she looked at me strange.

"Why would I be grossed out?"
"Do you promise our not."
"I promise, cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
I took a deep breath "I'm I in l-l-l-ov......"
I just couldn't get it out. I had kept this feelings so tightly sealed in me that it was so hard to admit it.

I look around, the sights were awesome.
I make sure that no one is there and then I finally blurt it out.
"I'M IN LOVE WITH TWILIGHT!"
I slammed my hoof over my mouth and look down not wanting to see Apple Jack's look of disgust.But instead of a look of disgust she hugged me gently.
"There there sugar, it's okay."

"It's not okay. One thing is that I fell in love with a best friend but she's a mare and I am a mare that isn't right!"
"It's okay to fall in love with a mare and it's okay to fall in love with a friend, that just means y'all are closer."
"For example I kinda have a crush on Luna."

I look up I can see a blush on her face " Since when ."
"For a while now, but the point is love work's in mysterious ways you just have to follow your heart."
I look at her, my normal attitude coming back. I am determined to tell Twilight how I feel.
"How do I tell her that I l-love her?"
"In my opinion you should be 100% honest with her, but do it some where private to show your true feelings."
"But if she doesn't love me back. Not only would I make it awkward but I may loss her as a friend forever."
"Don't you worry your pretty little head sugar, y'all are very close you shouldn't let it ruin ya friendship. Now just trust me Rainbow."
"Okay, thanks for the advice AJ." I looked up. The snow should start falling by ten and it was almost nine
"We better get going AJ the first winter storm starts at ten tonight."
She nods. We say our good bye's and before I turn to leave I say "good luck with Luna, AJ! "

Before I turn away I see a blush spread across her face, I smile to myself.
I spread my wings and I fly towards my cloud home I thought how great would it be if Twilight loved me back.
"Tomorrow I will go to the library and tell her how I fell." She smiled the biggest grin while she walked into her cloud home and went straight for the kitchen "Man I just didn't know how hungry I was!" When she finished eating her lunch she looked out the window, the snow was swirling around. Then she thought. "What would my special mare be doing right now." she sighed then she perked up a little.
"AJ is right. I need to tell Twilight or I am going to drive myself insane... At least tomorrow I finally going to get this secret off my chest." She goes up to her room and as soon as her head hits the pillow, she is fast asleep.

Author's Note:

how hope you like the story I just cooked up
I am going to make a second part
please comment below I want to now how I did
because this is my very first story I have done
HOPE YOU ENJOY!!! ♡TWIDASH♡

Comments

[Kodeake]

Alright, I am too tired to be anything less than blunt and completely tactless with this, so.... sorry in advance.

This was... bad. Really bad.

Let's start with the easy stuff; pacing.

It's... so fast it's non-existent. I'm pretty sure light travels slower than this story did. There's no description at all, no real transitions, no time to allow the reader to soak up the information you've vomited all over them, and it's just too much information all at once. Since I mentioned it, let's turn to the presentation of said information.

Yeah, it's pretty much you just vomiting information onto a page It was too... direct, and disorganized. This links back to the pacing, but you need to control the information you give away, and how much of it you let go. This is a good amount of information for a single chapter, if said chapter was about three times as long as this one was. You're missing all the filler, which completely ruins a story. It's a constant stream of information that we don't have time to care about, and it's too messy for us to even want to care about it.

The spelling was pretty good, just the odd mistake that I saw. Then again, it's pretty late so I might have missed a bit. grammar is a different story, but I'm not going to go back and find examples. For that kind of thing. I'm gonna recommend getting an editor and a proofreader.

Let's see here, what else... Oh right, the most glaring thing by far. You switch from third to first person randomly, once at the beginning into first person and once at the end into third person. That's... disorienting and pointless. It's either a third person story or a first person story, don't try mixing them because it just ends up being a big mess.

Let's tackle the characterization which... honestly wasn't terrible. Sure it could sue work like everything else, but of all the things wrong with this it doesn't jump out to me as something that needs to be addressed quite yet. Get the mechanics down before you tackle that kind of stuff. The plot, while pretty unoriginal, is... well, it's Twidash, so it gets a bonus point in my book no matter what.

I'm not eve going to bother nitpicking about the little continuity errors, except this one; you said it was, like 9 PM. Most normal people don't each lunch at 9, they eat dinner that late. But anyway...

What else... Gah, I'm too tired. Hopefully someone else will fill you in on anything I missed. Good luck with this, and I hope to see your writing improve; Twidash always needs more writers.

[moviemaster8510]

how hope you like the story I just cooked up

[Pirate Jesus]

You've got some work to do cleaning up the window dressing of your fic. I haven't even dived into the the fic itself and I see major problems. Your summary has little to no flow or sense of direction and kind of meanders around the point of the story, in addition to being grammatically a mess. A more to the point summary would look like:

Purple. Of all of the colors that Rainbow Dash had seen in her namesake, purple was always the most beautiful to her.

Sometime not so long ago, that beauty had caught her eye in the form of her friend, Twilight Sparkle. She was such an amazing mare. Intelligent. Witty. Graceful.

Now, that color is beginning to fade as Rainbow's beautiful friend is in growing danger, and she must face the ultimatum: risk the spurning of her affections by her closest friend, or always be haunted by what could have been.

I know it seems like small changes, but presentation is everything in stories, especially on the front page.

Also it should be Winter's First Love.

Hope this helped.

Commander out.