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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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*squee*
I love this story... almost too much :P
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Man, that was fast. Like... that was up for less than an hour. Glad you're enjoying it!
5510644 Like I've told Interloper, I'm a pretty fast reader :P
How'd you get John LeClair, Eric Lindros, and Mikael Renberg to proofread for you? They were known as the Legion of Doom.
While Snap may be unable to have kids, and Nosedive is dead; I wonder if there's any chance Tailwind may be pregnant with Nosedive's foal. I know she was badly injured, but I'd put money on said fetus being real hard to kill.
Someone needs to introduce Fade to Frosty, they can start up the mental case club.
Now that I've read up to the current chapter and taken it in since I found this story...I have to say this at least once. Positively brilliant. Favorited.
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Glad you're liking it!
Both of those points are definitely things I've thought of. The dialogue in particular, I need to work on... the flow, I suppose. Too much happening at once. No excuse there, fixing that is definitely something that I need to commit some brain time to while I'm writing.
On the topic of the military terms... This one's a bit more of a balancing act for me, to be honest. I want it to stay true to the character I've created (she uses a lot of shorthand without even realizing she's using it. As such, stopping to explain things would mean she was aware she was doing it in the first place - that kind of problem), and stopping to explain terms slows things down more than I'd like, especially when I'd look at the sheer word count some of them would add. To that effect, I've attempted (it's up to you guys, the readers, to judge that ultimately - I'm waaaaaay too close to this to give an objective opinion here) three solutions: first, that terms have the potential to be... flavour. Icing on the cake, that type of thing - something that it's okay for the reader to be left questioning, as it doesn't necessarily impact the flow of the narrative on the whole (IE, the term is not key to an understanding of something). Two: context clues, and this one I'm particularly unsure about, because I know what I'm trying to explain, and I can't quite tell if I've given enough clues to piece together what the term is referring to (I believe "FOB" falls into this category, as an example - [the reader] has been told by this point what the group's mission was (at least, the brief they were given), so when Snap says they were "Looking for a griffon FOB", while you might not know exactly what I mean, at least the essence gets across. Or so I hope, anyways). And three, when terms really are key to the narrative: Crafter Odds. He really is a wonderful tool, and I use the term lovingly. His completely warranted confusion leads to the audience's understanding, when things really need an in-depth explanation (IE, when he gets EFS explained to him - to the pegasi, it's just a tool, nothing of particular note - so I have to explain that using other characters).
And in regards to the food... well, as I understand (and, granted, this is a layman's explanation - I'm by no means an expert here) horses are physically equipped to eat meat as well as vegetables (ditto for properly digesting alcohol, incidentally)... We'll see. Even... nah, I'll go with especially with modern day militaries, adjusting to the local food typically has a certain day that it hits pretty much everybody that's new to it - sickness, diarrhea, the whole shebang. I'm not gonna promise that that'll make it in, but... you are definitely correct, that period of adaptation is most certainly a thing. Problem is... I ran through that a bit in my mind, and I couldn't get the thought of some readers mistaking it for morning sickness, which it most definitely wouldn't be, but I'd rather avoid having to explain that out-of-character. That, and it adds quite a bit of word count. So... we'll see. At the point we're at, it's only been a day since they really ate "local" food, so I haven't missed the window of opportunity there. Chess doesn't count. Different... standards of living.
I actually read ch 7 within days of it going live, and I've procrastinated on commenting (for which I am very sorry!), but I have to say this was a very good chapter. I admit, I was a little wary about the idea of a doctor dealing in "pictures" of Snap and Tailwind, but I'm glad to see that you played that against my expectations (and Snap's for that matter).
I'm going to jump ahead a bit and say that the emotional gut-punch of this chapter is very well-written, severing a major tie to her old life as she knew it. A female character becoming sterile isn't something I see often, and maybe Snap might have taken it better if she were a Wastelander, born and raised, but as an Enclave pegasus it's completely appropriate. Snap still has Tailwind, at least, but I wonder what'll happen if they encounter any fellow pegasi.
The beginning of the chapter has Snap very clearly moving away from the Enclave, though I admit I might be jumping the gun on that view, going off of her journal rather than her thoughts in the chapter. That said between her epiphany that their mission was to die and the line, "Nothing good could come from the Enclave taking an interest in all of this," it seems to me that she's rapidly becoming cynical of Enclave command. And for that matter, why were they sent down to die? Snap has a reasonable theory, but I don't fully buy it. What's the Enclave brass up to?
Sorry I don't have much to say on this one! In my defense, it's named as a "part one" chapter, and furthermore it serves as something of a conclusion to an arc. I'm curious where we'll go from here, and what we'll find at the Serpent's base of operations. As a last note, I don't think I've mentioned this before but I do enjoy Snap's "military" way of speaking. Her neutral and professional explanation of the situation to the Ranger scribe was spot on. Looking forward to more!
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So I typed out a response on my phone, then as I was scrolling to hit post, I accidentally hit somebody's name link button, and it left the page. Bleck.
Man, I am the last person to get on anyone for late comments/replies. I've been meaning to comment on your chapter 7 for a long ass time now...
Anyways, your comment is very validating - that is to say, a lot of the things I was trying to convey managed to get across successfully. Those are definitely some of the questions I want the reader to be asking at this point.
Seeing your response to her... injury is also good. I was kinda worried it would come off as... I dunno, cliche, contrived... it worried me for a while, despite the reasons I have for doing it. I can't say "liked" is the right term, it certainly doesn't feel particularly good to write that, but I'm glad it was an effective part of the chapter.
In regards to Snap's view of the Enclave, you did touch on something very key to her feelings on the matter. You separated "The Enclave" from "Enclave Command," something I feel is a rather pertinent distinction.
And finally, I'm glad the "military tone" comes off as such. I know what I'm getting at in my head - hell, I've used the specific tone enough times - and I think it gets across pretty well written down, but hearing that makes it feel worth the effort. And yeah, it is a half-chapter, of a sort. The whole thing would have had a really weird pacing curve if I didn't do it this way, not to mention being really damn long.
Thanks! I always appreciate these.
I love this story. But this chapter poor snap
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Thanks for the comment, glad you like!
And, um... yeah, that's a thing I did. There are reasons, but... it's still a little painful that I did it.
This wait between chapters is killing me :P
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And you were one of the very first to read the previous chapter too...
Current chapter is definitely longer - and it's in editing now. Shouldn't be too much more of a wait. I've given a couple hopeful estimates, but I think it's a very doable goal to have it done for the weekend of the 9th.
5917147 Sounds great. I can't wait! Thanks for the reply! :3
I'm not sure how a womb can get damaged beyond surgery by a shot like that, even if it heals incorrectly...or how she could function with it half-healed for so long without passing out from blood loss. If you could make your plot devices more believable, it could improve your story quite a bit. (Infection or insufficient blood flow?) Good job by the way, I'm addicted. I'll be watching FOREVER!
why the hell does everySINGLE STEEL RANGER have to have nick names related to food! Why food of all things why not paladin cogs
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Its very likely traditional, and can help identify what chapter they were born into, as food preferences vary from region to region, and this would skew the names chosen.