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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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>40,000 words total
how
I don't really mind not having the level-up perks, it's actually sort of refreshing.
I absolutely love this story so far.
I loved how the chapter begun, a quiet, contemplative, sort of faded-out scene is pretty much the perfect follow up to the ending of the previous chapter. The way you've described how Snap felt looking back on what they did and the decision she made was very effective as well, and I liked that it expanded further on their relationships.
"Warm and smokey building must be uninhabited," hurray for hypothermia!
So at this point in the story I see you're going for a bit more journal-like way of describing the events, which leads to the occasional peculiar description where something is presented rather densely or passively compared to the rest of the text. Did I notice that right?
I know a lot of people who at this point would criticize you for your depiction of the raiders as unnecessarily, incredibly cruel ponies. While it's more or less faithful to the original FoE... Well, /foe/ thread usually says that they are still ponies and should act logically, favoring their good over others' without being psychos.
Of course, this doesn't entirely rule out the barbarous behaviour you bestowed upon them given that they are individuals and not necessarily the average raider.
Ultimately, it depends on whether you consider raiders all psychotic individuals, or do you consider them regular ponies living the life of a plunderer? And secondarily, if they serve a story purpose or not.
Sidenote, I wonder just what is there in the north for a raider to live from, or why ponies don't move south.
Also let me ask you this, have you read Project Horizons? Because, somewhat early Project Horizons spoiler, This "I couldn't save them" motif is the main struggle of its lead protagonist, Blackjack.
As far as emotional development, I'm still curious where Snap, or indeed Tail will go. What we got so far makes sense, although it felt a bit elongated, as if we went through the same points twice by coincidence, once in the first half of the chapter and once in the second. If I read the chapter again I'll try to clarify this.
>“Go, go go Bernard, fast as you can!”
"John Freeman run out of here as fast as you can!"
Then there's DJ-Pon3. Did she really learn about Snap in roughly a day? I'm sensing some secretive connection between the folks Snap's with and Tenpony Tower, then, unless it's just meant to go unexplained, as a reference. And on the side of believability, did Snap really turn on the radio at the exact time to hear it? I know yet again this is kind of a trend in the original FoE, but it's something to think about.
I remember some of /foe/ voicing their displeasure over protagonists who are elevated above others by being talked about - however I do realize this is different in that Snap wasn't the subject of the announcement. Hopefully they'll say what they think about this as well.
In the fight against the big raider, couldn't Snap just hover above him, given that his weapons were on a saddle? Do you think saddles can fire straight up, or maybe it's that the weather wasn't appropriate for hovering?
For the POSSIBLY SPOILERY OMG DONUT READ guess of a future event of the day, the snow of the road was melting because there was a Stable under it, or it's a heated runway because of your Top Gun fetish.
Finally, some typos:
>“Allright, we’ll need cover, [double l]
>and taking aim [double space]
>branching off into what [double space]
>I cut the air my left wing and pushed hard with the right [missing adjective?]
>and I cought on [caught]
4783878
"Allright" (pronounced "arright" if I recall correctly) is actually intentional. Part of the character's unique speech (for lack of a better term) transfered to the journal.
It does, however, appear that a cntrl+f for double spaces in something that'd be a good idea, as for a final read through before uploading.
4783878
A'ight, bit of a wait, was rather busy the last couple days with my girlfriend's birthday. Lets do this.
Firstly, I have hotfixed the technical points, except for "Allright", to which 4784220 is correct, and I would like to expand and tie in to things. For one, and I had to look it up to be honest, apparently "Allright" and "All right" are both correct. I went with the one that was closer to how I imagine her actually saying it.
...Which touches on the next point, the journal-like way of describing events. It is, very much a journal. That is to say, just as FOE is an autobiography, essentially; also, just as Murky is what appears to be an interview, Frozen Skies is written as a running journal. I think it is within reason to point out that Frozen Skies as a whole will certainly take over the week of timeline alluded to in chapter one, so each "book" is essentially a snap-shot (hue) of her emotional state by the time it is written, and I try to point out the instances in which that doesn't necessarily jive with where she is at that point in the story, if that makes sense. In addition to just having the whole thing be as close to as if it were described by the pony herself as I can. Often, that takes the form of the varying degrees of description and sometimes unusual deductions. Granted, some are legitimately derps on my behalf, the smokey, warm building being potentially unnocupied probably was an oversight on my part, but on the whole yes, many of those instances are deliberate. A better example would probably be when Snap originally sees the... captive mare in the underground, and doesn't connect the "thing on her foreleg" to being a pipbuck for a while. Also, the fact that she didn't know what a "wolf" was until it was all but spelled out for her.
On the topic of the raiders, I don't feel the need to justify my stance on them. I saw the argument it sparked on the /foe/ thread, and most of the points I would have brought up were presented there, more or less ending in a zero-sum argument between those two. I feel I presented them in what I find to be a believable role. >Why ponies don't move South(?) Well, those bodies in the corners all got there from somewhere. The raider chief mentions that a lot of the ponies down there had to brave the storms just to survive, and I don't think Chess actually said it, but what is currently occurring is one of the first storms of Winter. A lot of ponies have been doing exactly that lately, heading south.
And on that topic, as for story purpose, I needed to confirm for Snap that some of the stories they hear of the surface definitely have basis in fact. I needed the juxtaposition of the raiders with the generosity of Chess and the ponies around him to make her realize that on the whole things are much more complicated than she expected.
Yeah, I've read PH. Not to poke at it too much, but I believe you're looking a tad far into the "I couldn't save her" thing. The situation bears thematic similarities to the situation surrounding Nosedive's death, and she ended up making, to her eyes, a similar decision - regardless of the fact that it wasn't really a decision that she had the power to change.
On the Pon-3 note... That was largely harkening back to FO3's penchant for the same type of thing. Although... Homage uses the MASEBS towers, largely, to get her info. The fact that she saw what happened, yet Snap cannot get in contact with the same system...IMPLICATIONS. dun dun dun.
The fight against the raider: Snap was well aware of the state of her ammo, and that if she actually did run out (and Bernard wasn't exactly overburdened with ammo either - he was only carrying 15 rounds for the rifle, and two mags for the pistol) while trying to punch through armour instead of going for weak points, she would have ended up actually having to fight him on the ground, and he would have torn her apart. So it wasn't so much that she was threatened in the sky, it was that she could pretty much not do any damage from above.
Ok, the snow not accumulating thing is kinda funny to me, because in short, it is literally just magic.
I mean, it used to be a railway from pre-war times, right. This far in the north, it's just about always snowing to some extent. As they laid it down, it would be relatively easy to have a unicorn or two to place down long-term snow dissipation spells as they laid down the tracks. The tracks themselves were dismantled in the time since, but there wasn't really any reason to dispel the magic.
I appreciate these reviews so much, as well as the artwork. Thanks again, Plain!
4792151
Cool.
I didn't realize the "allright" was intentional because this was the first odd spelling (I noticed) to accentuate her speech. As a side note, I usually use http://en.wiktionary.org to quickcheck words, but words like this are a gray area even without considering artistic freedom.
I was originally going to mention the nitpick that Snap instantly recognizing the wolf skull-helmet the raider was wearing is odd because if she didn't recognize a wolf from how it looks (at least not during the first few mentions), then its skull would be even harder to identify to her, or even unrecognizable unless she just assumes it belongs to a wolf.
Journal. I'm not sure I'm clear on this concept of "books," can you explain? Or did you mean that the initial quote of a chapter is written to be retrospective from the present moment when the journal is being written about the given chapter's events, and the rest of the chapter is written more like if it was happening in real time, but still somewhat like a journal?
The latter I definitely understand, you can't always keep it a plain account of the past because that couldn't be as exciting as a more active description, it wouldn't be as involving for the reader and it might even spoil things. As far as I can tell the original FoE did this too - it is set up to be an autobiography like you said, but it's still written in a way that you practically forget that it is.
With FoE stories usually being as long as they usually are, I was thinking that it could also just represent a major shift in the story. But this is a more elegant reason for it.
It feels a bit like a twist on the original FoE's introduction.
Yeah, it got a little ugly.
I definitely belong in camp "raiders-are-people." You could say I support rap culture. We could try to reconcile it or not, it's really up to you.
I don't know what's gonna happen so I have a harder time judging how integral this theme's going to be, it just strongly reminded me of it so I mentioned it. I'm sure it'll unfold differently.
The weak point explanation makes a lot of sense, yeah. She couldn't get to it from directly above, the best she could have done from that position was delay and waste ammo.
I'd do something more large scale as far as drawing because the characters and setting are both pretty cool but I'm not that good yet, so I just do fun doodles meanwhile. But I do want to see Pencil draw what he said he'd draw.
4793039
The wolf helmet: The one Redeye mare did mention them, "Dove, she's... the wolves... Oh noooooo" (paraphrased). I figured that was enough for Snap to piece things together on that front, and there would have been a bit more conversation with Chess in the morning, so he could have just given a little context to that. I figured going into more detail would have been a little unnecessary. Could I have built in in better? Yeah, probably.
The "Books", so to speak: I hadn't really expanded on what I mean by that, so I probably should. In this context, I am referring to a point at which somepony sat down and actually wrote the entries you, the reader, are reading from the journal, with each "Book" being longer or shorter depending on the time in between entries, and the amount of things that happen in between. The first "Book", as such, comprises the time period of a little over a week from the beginning of the story.
And yes, the rest of your summary of the journal quotes at the beginning is correct, and more detailed than I've actually written it up previously.
I think a treatise on raiders is a bit beyond me at the moment, perhaps later. That one would probably be more appropriate for PM's.
On that last point. Dude, just seeing art of these characters is kinda surreal. Oh, and I'm SURE I'll give pencil something to draw with the next chapter... oh yes.
This is interesting... took me a while to read this chapter because I kept putting it off, but I got to say that I wasn't disappointed.
4808849
Glad you liked it!
4783580
That was a happy accident, actually. And then I went and hotfixed spelling mistakes, and it recalculated. Damn.
4817335
Okay, the battle simulation in the Everfree Forest, while possessing good action, might not have put the right impression on first viewers giving the sudden shift in the setting the next chapter. That being said, the prologue may serve brilliantly if it all comes down full circle and the protagonist finds herself wounded and beaten in the Everfree Forest staring down the barrels of her enemy, the only difference is that this enemy doesn't have stripes.
This story puts a fresh spin on pegasus protagonists in the wasteland, particularly going twisting the normal formula of Enclave Pegasus protagonists. Most times the pegasus witnesses something below the clouds and that necessitates renouncing 18+ years of upbringing and defy orders, by chapter 1 I emphasize. Or on the second path, a colleague or superior back-stabs them during a scouting mission because the protagonist or a relative of theirs was a dissenter. And then for most of the following chapters, the protagonists would occasionally lapse in "Oh noes, the Enclave has betrayed me!" "Wow, the Enclave were jerks the whole time! I'm glad to be rid of them!" So, points for you not sliding into either of these opening expositions. Although it's almost inevitable, it's nice to see Snap regard the Enclave in a positive light.
Even by the end of this chapter, Snap Roll retains a loyal conviction towards The Grand Pegasus Enclave and held close bonds with essentially all her colleagues before the crash scene. One does not simply pull a Calamity and throw away their lives from the Enclave. But you also present Snap Roll not as the maverick willing to disintegrate fillies who run out of their hiding places. But she is merely, for all intents and purposes a foot soldiers who loves her 'country', and there's nothing really malicious about that. Introducing her friends Tailwind and Nosedive was fluid enough, painting them charismatic enough to be Snap's companions throughout the rest of the-(remembers the conclusion of Chapter 2). ...Huh, okay, you do not pull punches. You sure did fool me with that teasy lapdance fanart I caught wind of. Now I just have to write them off as tragic memories in hindsight.
But you handled well with Snap Shot struggling with leaving her friend, to knowingly make the call to sacrifice him (thankfully which he did willingly which may ease some of her conscience) and the regrets she felt afterwards, particularly never having reciprocated Nosedive's advances back when they had numerous chances.
Thankfully the other ponies who took residence in that building were more-or-less Samaritans (as far as a former Wasteland Vigilante, Nemo and a shell-shocked cynic named Bernard could count as Samaritans compared to the other fauna of the frozen north), and giving us a good scene with Tailwind being frisky being near death from torture and hypothermia.
A good opening three chapters (minus the prologue). And any other nitpicks I may have, Plain has already spelled it out; How DJ-PON3 was notified so fast and found the event worth talking about; and there being a necessity to present the raiders with more variety aside from the truck-tired armored maniacs. Monsters of the wasteland come in many forms, as they say.
Sidenote: I do deduce that given the crucified mare Snap euthanized had Stable barding, chances are Snap and Tailwind will be coming across where she had came from...or the remains of the Stable, given there's no other reason a Stable Dweller would embark to the cold.
4846888
Sorry I took so long to respond. I've been busy lately and I'm posting from my phone. And near the end it isn't letting me select any text... let it be known I hate fimfiction's mobile side for all but reading.
That's a lot of praise, very much appreciated. Not too much I can comment on there while avoiding potential spoilers (I have recently been chastened by some of my editors after being... ahem, a tad liberal with the comments), so there's a lot that I can just say: "Wait and see, it'll come up eventually." But one thing I can say is that the "traditional" view of the Enclave protagonist is one that I never could sympathize with. Calamity's reasons for leaving were mixed very much with internal issues - the Enclave itself was a hostile place to him in many ways, and when stories try to duplicate his decision, it often comes off as too much too fast.
4792151
Last I checked "alright" was the correct spelling for joining the words. Although, with regard to the english language there are sometimes established conventions that run contrary to what you'd expect.
With regard to raiders, I think that you ought to take those other thoughts into consideration. As far as I am concerned there is required justification for raiders being all "carving ponies up and stringing them round" and whatnot. There's only so much room for that kind of crazy in any world and making all raiders like that just doesn't make any sense. Doing whatever is necessary to survive, such as killing "senselessly" to avoid risking death and true cannibalism is different. Neither requires deliberate desecration of bodies (in the sense of mangling them to show off that you can or that you like the decoration) , just a general disregard for the lives/safety of anyone but yourself. The same goes for forcibly healing someone around a chunk of rebar. That's intentional torture and wasting resources to boot. -- I can understand the cliche being used in certain circumstances to illustrate things, but claiming it's an illustration more than a few times round will come off an as excuse to perpetuate the stereotype without talking about the complexities of ponies.
I also have a hard time buying the "long-term" snow dissipation spells. That doesn't really make sense, they should have faded by now (i.e. required renewal) and all magic requires an energy source. If it's the same DJ-Pony as other FoE then it's been ~200 years plus/minus a couple. No spell, even cast by a decent unicorn should last a tenth that long. I'm also not sure it makes sense to imply that you can somehow enchant the ground itself. If the spell was still around, even as a flicker I would expect it to be tied to some kind of physical pony-made object or mineral that could hold a spell pattern/framework/shape/? It would make a lot more sense if there gems buried below the tracks or the sub layer of the tracks was mixed with gem powder that held the spells and the spell somehow drew heat out of the ground and concentrated it. Even in that case, I'd expect the effect to be patchy at best, leading to snowy spots or at least temporary accumulation.
5137841
Artistic License I suppose.
So I was enjoying this chapter at first. I loved how Chess quickly figured out that Snap and Tailwind were pegasi, and I really loved the interaction Snap was having with Bernard (so far, my favorite character).
And then... the graphic rape scene happened. And it honestly disgusted me due to the amount of detail put into it, as well as how the rape victim feels less like a person and more of a plot device to make Snap (and the readers) feel sad... it feel cheap and exploitative. It made reading the rest of the chapter super difficult, and I honestly didn't get a firm grasp of what the fight Snap and Bernard had with the raiders (it didn't help that one of them went full narm and tried to go 'I'm just a victim of my environment', and I kept thinking 'Why hasn't Bernard killed this bastard yet? This raider has no right to go on about how wronged he was.' Though I've probably missed important details.)
The last scene was alright. But that rape scene was just uncomfortable, enough that I had to ask a friend if that shit happened regularly. And even still, I was almost considering to stop my read of Frozen Skies because of this. I know that this might make me a 'snowflake', but if you or someone else were to go back and edit this chapter: could you tone down that scene? Maybe make the mare be beat up instead of raped?