It's the Wonderbolts Equestria Tour! There's not one city in Equestria these acrobatic Pegasi won't be visiting! They won't even skip the small town, like Dodge Junction or Ponyville! And now, their tour has brought them to Appleoosa, where they plan to reveal a new stunt to blow the natives' minds! But, of course, things go wrong. Soarin is knocked out of the sky and crashes into the house of one of the only ponies that refused to go to the show. And the two are trapped and suffering horrific injuries. What else can go wrong? Oh yeah...
Soarin just happens to be trapped with Equestria's most annoying pony ever.
SoarBurn or M/M Shipping or whatever.
Chapters (2)
May I add this to the male on male group?
4639215
Of course!
4639254 You know,. while not my cup of tea, this pairing is surprisingly common, if you want to find more stories like this I recommend you join our group,where you can get tips and all that.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/51/mm-shipping
Why does everyone think I'm homosexual? I have had many more Marefriends than you think. I do have a personal life you know.
4639271 Well, over 500 other ponies think you'd go great with soarin, maybe it's the larger than life attittude, your excited voices, or your "Everyone's welcome" comment. As for you, maybe if you didn't wear bright colors, and walked around with that much style, no one would think that (as awful as it sounds).
Though I don't care what other ponies do with their private lifes, what's the name of those special mares? Just curious.
The story? Well, I don't know what to think of it, I have to read it when it's not past four am and I'm sleepy
4639271 Hehe, sorry 'bout that. I ship you with Braeburn, but I also ship you with Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Spitfire, Fleetfoot and Trixie. Don't ask about some of them. SoarBurn is one of the only 3 gay ships i ship.
It was decent, also:
i61.tinypic.com/969oxd.gif
4639294 Hey my jump suit gets all the mares. And with that the mares names are not important (not to mention I was either drunk or high) to even remember. Anyways if its one thing I hate more than a one night stand, its a relationship. Duh. Can't tie this stallion down.
4639415
Suuuuuure they bring, that's almost as much of a truth as the fact that It's a bright idea of my part to annoy a wonderbolt
4639304 What are the other two?
4639314 i love this so much its not even funny
Okay, now that I don't have a baby in my arms screaming for food, I can comment on this.
When swapping between first person and third person, it is a good idea to have a divider: the Meanwhile Below isn't really a great divider. You use one when you swap from Salmon Hide back to Soarin's POV, but not when you first move from Soarin's POV.
On the divider, I suggest using something like [center]SOMECHARACTER[/center]; for example, in my stories I use the cyrillic character zhe (Ж), mostly cause I like it asthetically. It doesn't have to be that exactly, heck, you can even use a [hr] if you want. Using a bunch of hyphens though, well, the problem with that is while it might look right on your screen, if someone has the font size up larger (an old fart like myself has to, if I want to read) you get the divider spilling over onto a second line. As seen here:
i.imgur.com/2zICUgD.png?1
I would also suggest seeing if you can find a pre-reader. There are no real glaring issues I can see here, you're a fair bit better than a lot of authors on here, but you will get grammar crazies who will moan that you use three periods (...) rather than an elipses (…), and so on.
Will be keeping an eye on this because I
SoarBurn so much.
Okay, yeah, finished the second chapter (or the first chapter, I guess, as the last was a prologue.)
Definitely could do with a proofreader, there are a few points in there where you probably should have used an em-dash instead of the ellipses, and there are a few points where you switch from first person perspective to third then back, for no reason. An example:
The red parts are where you have switched from first person to third. As the story, and this chapter, is told through Soarin's viewpoint, it is not likely he would think "the other stallion" because he would not likely reference himself.
The second red part, "Soarin noticed he was starting to cry too"… well, unless he is the Great and Powerful Trixie, he'd likely not reference himself as Soarin. The correct way would be "I noticed the stallion was starting to cry too", as that is still in the correct perspective.
Now, comments on the story itself: Soarin would just leave a civvy and save his own bacon? Wow, for somepony who is a military man, that is pretty cold. Lol. But that is really a minor nitpick.
Interested to see where you take this story, whether it will be a short story of love blooming in a dire situation (perhaps ending with tragedy) or if they will escape and it develops after.
Keep it up, I look forward to reading more.
4649993
Day 425, Still waiting for my fellow Perth Auzzie to finish that damn boy highschool story...
4661546
Somepony missed that bit about screaming baby in someone arms
But I really do need to finish my older stuff, don't I?
The words in this chapter just don't meet the emotion they want to convay.
Also that must've been a really weak building for it to colaspe like it is, from just something the equivelent of a airway car crash (presuming Soarin's momentum and the downward forces of gravity cause him to remain at the speed he originally traveling, or close to).
Ball to the face... Ow... I know all too well how that feels....