Twilight and Rainbow Dash walk past Fluttershy one bright summer afternoon, and Fluttershy notices Twilight has her wing around Rainbow Dash. Why is she doing that? Is there something between the two mares that Fluttershy doesn't know about?
Edited By Quick Wit.
This is my first fic, and constructive criticism is appreciated.
Thanks!
~TSU
Page generated in 0.11 seconds
Total duration
633 users online
938,857 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
4631748 4631775
.
First, Thanks for the feedback.
Second, this is my first fic.
Third, this is an AU story so some of the characters are meant to be OOC.
Fourth, I just wrote this story this morning and I haven't had time to put in Twilight's story.
Fifth,
Thanks for the feedback.
This is all around... not bad.
Chapters should have been 1000 words at least. Describe what you're trying to explain, don't just say it. For example, when Angel went to get everypony else, yoiligu could have described his feelings, added extra dialogue, throw in some thoughts, etc . And the characters were a bit OOC, I wouldn't have seen Twiliht or Rainbow Dash doing any of those things.
You could have changed the two weeks to two months, thus making it less awkward, and gives Fluttershy more of a reason to be angry, or you could have added another 5 chapters to make a sub plot for the fact that Twilight and Rainbow were going to get married in two weeks.
I could have seen this being a good 10 thousand words at least.
Overall you should rewrite this completely, describing more things, editing some of the plot to make it seem natural, perhaps watch a few episodes to get a real good idea on some of the characters. I'd even be willing to talk to you on it too ^^ And again, not a bad story or idea, just not very well executed.
Faces?
4631983
yoiligu?
you mean, you?
4631985
I'm sorry ... I have no idea why I am typing like a bum today.... Maybe it's because it's like 100 degrees haha 
4631994
yea it's 105 here so I'm getting annoyed too 
4631930 I'd say that if the AU tag means that the characters are acting different it should be explained WHY somehow, otherwise it simply feels like an easy excuse. Besides, such an explanation generally adds more depth to the world and characters overall. Still though, not bad for a first fic written just in a morning.
4632130
thx for the feedback tho! 
Yea, thx I'm rewriting it tomorrow and working on Twi's story right now so it'll be improved my tomorrow mornin'
You know this is marked as incomplete, right?
4632289
Yes, we're working on Twi's story right now so it's not finished.
4632373 Ooohhh, that makes sense!
Okay, so given that this is your first story I'm going to try and give you as much feedback as I can.
First off, the wordcount. Now, I'm not saying spew as many words as possible out onto the page that aren't relevant, but try to expand on everything that's happening. The way the story is now, with no chapter over 500 words, everything comes and goes in a flash. There's no time for readers to get immersed in the story if there's not much of a story to get immersed in.
That being said, there isn't much to the story itself. Fluttershy sees Twi and Dash walking close together, accomplishes nothing at Twi's place, sees them making out later, and then Twi and Dash are getting married. There isn't much to get invested in, and with it being so short it gives the impression that nothing really happened. Everything seems to happen so quickly and without any sense of how it impacts the characters that it feels... empty, for lack of a better word.
As for some of the previous comments that say characters are OOC... I would argue that there isn't much characterization happening here in the first place. I get that the story is focused on Fluttershy (and her character should be expanded on much more than in is), but Twilight and Rainbow are cardboard cutouts. At this point you could replace "Twilight Sparkle" and "Rainbow Dash" with any other character name and it wouldn't change much. The point here is to delve into the characters, make them feel like Twilight and Rainbow and Fluttershy.
Lastly, in regard to your statement on AU characters being OOC, I'm afraid I'll have to disagree. Having an AU is fine, and technically speaking, every fanfic is an alternate universe and characters can change into something different from the show. But, there has to be good reason for that. You can't just plunge them into a fic and have them be different without explanation. And anyways, they're still fundamentally the same characters, so what makes them who they are should still be present in the way the act and speak.
I hope none of this was taken offensively, as it wasn't intended to be. I also see that you're working on rewriting this, so I may have to come back when the revised version is posted. Happy writing
4632458
Yea, and as said before, We're re-writing it tomorrow and it will be in more detail, and make much more sense when the story that Twi tells is finished and implemented.
Thanks for the feedback!
~TSU
4632420
Was that sarcastic? Or was that actually making sense to you?
I like Fluttershy's reaction
But quite honestly I am tired of all these lesbian fics.
As for the story itself, it doesn't flow as well as it could, and there are some typos.
Commendable effort however. keep at it!
4633060
Thanks! I will try and squish the typo bugs.
4632613 No, it actually made sense as from the final chapter, it looked like you were signing off, and I thought is was finished, but the tag is still incomplete, so I got confused
4635347
As said before, I am rewriting it today (July 3rd) and I am trying to make each chapter close to or over 1000 words.
4635603
I just hate when ponies are sarcastic like that. 
so I'm glad that u were telling the truth and that the story is improving! 
Ok, good
At the end, a lot of it goes into italics and there are a few grammatical/spelling (but they are very minor) mistakes, but otherwise a great improvement!! Loving the story!
4636918
Fixed now. 
I'm thinking I'm going to even that out. 
I'll try and smoooooooosh this spelling bugs, too. 
Thanks! I forgot to put in the end of the italics, for I wrote this in Google Docs.
The only thing I didnt't like was the ending, because it meant the story is over. But seriously now, the ending feels more like a cliffhanger. Is there a sequel in the working, because it just doesn't feel finished.
4641166
Yes! There is a sequel in the working, please check my blog for updates on it.
It's good but could use a little more work. It feels a little awkward with transitioning and in dialogue. It's a first try but practice takes time.
4649688
Thanks! 
Agreed, and I am still trying to even it out a little bit.
short but good
great story
4674256
And check my blog posts for updates on the sequel! 
4674180
Thanks!
I smell a HUGE sequel coming on. Do you?
4675096
Uh, if this is a sequel to The Wedding, and The Wedding is a sequel to this, how does this work?
Which one do I read first?
I'm confused...
4749532
The Wedding Is a sequel to This. FimFiction is confusing you because The Wedding isn't published yet.
4749619
Ohh.
Well I read it, and its pretty interesting.
Ill stay on board and wait for the sequel.
-Hardc0r3Br0n3
4749629
Okey-Dokey-Lokey!
4633060 If you don't like the lesbo fics than don't read them
it was good but everything happened much to fast
Are you writing the sequel still? Because it's been over a year.
6438532
don't think so, it's been more than a year now to.