We take a look at the various antics of both Dusk shine and Rainbow Blitz during Hearth's Warming Eve holiday season.
This is my first time writing stories so some helpful or harsh criticism would be appreciated.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 18th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen February 27th
Yurah
The quality of my writings fluctuates wildly or are just plain wierd...
Yurah
Joined 18th Jan, 2014 ·
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That's...not normally how shipfics get started. This is certainly a unique take, with one partner being so blatantly forward
I'd like to see where this goes. Also, eeee Duskblitz!!
I like it
Interesting, I'll say I did enjoy this but I'd say go over it again I noticed not so much misspelled words as misplaced words such as tone instead of tome. Still other than that little issue, I liked your take on things and will be looking forward to seeing this continue. Good job for your first posted story keep working at it.
Yeah I made changes the first chapter tell me what you think
4541836
If I'm right, you made the kiss more descriptive and made Blitz's proposal sound more trickster-y, yes? If so, the change is ok by me
That's exactly what I did
I... uh.... umm.... wat. No really. Wat. This just... none of it makes any sense anymore.
Юра? Ты педик, Юра.
Wow. What happened to AppleJack. Good job including 911 in this story.
next chapter you'll find out
It appears this story has lost any semblance of a descent plot thread. I mean just... it doesn't make any sense whatsoever anymore. Presto comes in for what I can only assume is another love triangle, what with Applejack and that not-so-subtle hint you dropped with the paramedics. Not to mention Dusk would have known that anyone is at risk of stroke depending on their life style, no matter the age. Elusive should not, under any circumstances, have told Presto anything about it, as it is a personal issue and this is someone they are just now getting to know.
So at this point it's all just a bit pointless. Not to mention Blitz really should have gone to check up on Dusk an apologize, because you made it clear he realized his actions were wrong.
Pointless chapter is pointless, overly convoluted plot threads are equally pointless.
You lack any description at all, as I don't know if it's winter or summer outside, nor do I know if there's snow or now. It's supposed to be close to hearth's warming so you may want to add the fact that it's cold out.
You are right about that
I'll see what I can do
4565619
Is the story about to go through a major rewrite?
Quite possibly yes but, I still don't have any idea what to do with it. Give me sometime since I haven't really written in the past couple days.
No. No no no no no no. There is so much wrong with this. Ignoring the mechanical side for a bit...
I'm pretty sure just a couple chapters ago Dusk was fairly positive he was straight. That's quite the jarring change between this chapter and the last one. Blitz is far too forceful in every sense of the word. What kind of store sells ready-made picnic baskets? A picnic in the middle of the night in the middle of winter? Really? Before you implied that the snow was quite deep (When Dusk was running out of his house in the previous chapter) but now it's just a light covering? It's the middle of winter. I have no idea if the play was inside, outside, where the seats were, why they were so bad, or anything about that general area. The idea that Dusk agreed to go on a date with somepony who literally molested him when - let me repeat this - he was fairly certain he wasn't gay, is ludicrous. In two chapters Dusk goes from straight to being in love with another stallion? Umm, alright then. It's fine to take the approach of questioning one's sexuality but the process takes time, not... what, two days and he's just fine with it? So comfortable he's willing to give public displays of affection towards a gender who, just a few days ago, he had no romantic interest in? As far as I'm aware he never even wanted to go on this date, but he seems pretty chipper straight from the get-go. He never once questions himself, which is odd considering, again, HE THOUGHT HE WAS STRAIGHT.
Previous (edited) chapter;
Dusk says this, and then doesn't tell Blitz... anything as important as this line would imply.
Your entire first two chapters set this up for an interesting story with Dusk questioning his sexuality, and then it devolved into "Whelp, they've been shipped, let's move on" without so much as a glance back at the original plot.
It's just a bit confusing as you never really go into detail on Dusk's feelings about any of this. All I know is that YOU SHOULD NOT GO ON A DATE WITH THE PERSON WHO MOLESTED YOU THE DAY AFTER THEY MOLESTED YOU. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS A TRAUMATIZING EVENT, NO MATTER WHO DOES IT, NO MATTER IF YOU'RE QUESTIONING YOUR SEXUALITY OR NOT. IT IS NEVER OKAY, AND SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. It's the kind of thing where you never want to see the person who did it to you ever again, no matter what your previous relationship was.
Has my point been delivered yet? I know I'm repeating myself, but how casually you tossed aside that entire scene... it's just... it's... I don't even know, but it's bad. To take such a serious issue and brush it under the rug like you did, make everything go away so you could write a nice date scene where they get shipped, it's despicable. If you want to tell a mindless shipping story, fine, but don't bring bit plot elements like questioning one's sexuality or molestation into it unless you plan on fully exploring them. You had your self set up so high for a story, but instead of using your height you plummeted all the way down. I'm not even going to touch on the technical side of writing beyond saying it was all rushed to hell and it lacked descriptions and transitions.
Thanks for the criticism but, I'm done. Quiting till I learn how to write properly.
4582778
Two things.
Number one; Trust me on this, the only way you're going to learn how to write is by writing. Classes can help you improve, but nothing will help you more than just reading and writing, and getting people to tell you what they think and where they think you went wrong.
Number two; Fimfiction comments have a reply feature that allows the person who you're replying to to be notified when you post your reply. It's the little double arrow in the upper right corner of the comment. You press that button on the comment you want to reply to, and when you post your reply the comment's writer will be notified. I only found this comment because I came back to check on this story because I noticed you weren't using the reply feature. See how your name is in green at the top of this comment? That's how you know you replied to someone Hovering over the name in green will show the specific comment I clicked on to reply to. I advise you use it, as unless people specifically come back and check the story they won't know that you've replied to them.
4583137 Yeah ok I see where you're getting at, but I really do think I need a break.
Yeah they're totally getting together good story
I really like this story
I love this story
You did a nice job but as said practice equals a stronger talent. You did an Amazing story, sure there are bits and pieces that are not great but on the end this is still a memorable story, just don't let others negativity drag you down, instead learn from it and improve. You are AWESOME ;)
4584168 well, this is a great story, but the storyline was too short for such romance, a sequel will do
adorável simplesmente adorável puuuuurfecto e miawravilhoso.