- Member Since 23rd Feb, 2012
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hunterz263
Registered on: February 23, 2012
hunterz263
Joined 23rd Feb, 2012 ·
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It was cute, not exactly my favorite pairing, but what the hay. Did notice a few grammar mistakes, but nothing that distracts the readers attention. (I find it odd that every story I've read tonight has involved alcohol. I kinda want some rum or tequila myself.) Good job to you.
4606019
Favorite pairing? The mare is a mystery...
Yeah, grammar mistakes are going to be in everything. There is no point in denying that. I, and my editor, are only human. Anyway, I am glad you enjoyed the story.
Aw Flutters don't cry, nopony knows about it but you...
Yet...
Fluttershy, you just can't stop being cute, can ya?
4607396
Hehehe... cute?
4607451 You get what I mean, mind outta the gutter hunterz.
I think the biggest problem here is not exactly related to grammar as some of the others here are saying, but it's more of a sentence structure issue. The only grammatical errors I noticed were missing or misused words, which is a very common mistake in something that hasn't been looked over thoroughly. Anyway though, your use of grammar is fine, but the way sentences are written is a bit of a problem. There isn't much variety in terms of sentence structure, and, unfortunately, most of the sentences were confusing to read. Another thing in this story that could use a bit of work is the imaginary actions and what's actually going on in the story. I know that it's more of a stylistic choice, but I think you would have done well to differentiate between the worlds of reality and imagination.
Anyway, I thought it was pretty solid overall. That ending does hit pretty hard though. "Don't worry so much, it's just natural Flutters!"
4625086
The sentences were hard to understand? Hmm. I never considered that aspect, but I thought (along with my editor) most of the words could be understood by generally anyone. Sentence structure I am going to have to agree with. I was a little rushed with this story, so maybe I should taken time to throughly go over the sentences again. Though, I have to ask the simple question: Was it arousing?
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique the story as well. Your feedback is highly appreciated.
4625108
It's not so much that they're hard to understand, they're just worded awkwardly. I knew what was happening, it just could have been said better. Think of the childre- I mean, the readers! Most of what I was talking about was more of polish than general errors, but the easier something is to read, the more a person is going to enjoy reading it.
*shifts eyes* Who's asking anyway! (the answer is yes on that question.)
4625200
So a more simplistic approach then? I will consider it and try to make the sentences more varied.
Hey. You'll need these.
They'll make you extra warm when you wake up.
4625208
That's not necessarily what I'm saying though. When you're writing, it's important to think about how to make it more palatable to readers, but don't dumb down your writing. Say what you mean to say, but try not to say too much in one sentence because that's where you run into problems. (example) And that's where most of the problems with sentence structure lied in this story. You said too much at a time, and you said it in a way that was hard to read in the first go. Think about it like this. If you read a sentence like this one, then read more of it, and find what the meaning was by the end, then it's too much. It's more about being able to read a sentence start to finish and not have to question anything in that sentence. When you're second guessing yourself, reading goes by slower and it feels worse to read it this way. (look at that last sentence, beautiful example of what I was talking about.) One way to try to counteract this is to use less helping verbs in the sentence. And that's what I was trying to say with awkwardly worded. It's not so much the words you used, but how they were used that was confusing here. And it wasn't that the sentences were hard to understand, they just didn't flow well. And flow is something that can't be overlooked in writing.
Man, look how long that was. Probably mostly rambling, but hopefully you can get something helpful out of it.
4625297
I will show this to my editor and hopefully apply the advice. Thank you so much for all of it, especially the examples on what I was doing wrong. I am not sure what a helping verb is anymore, but the magic of the Internet shall prevail!
4625330
No problem man, I like doing this kind of thing. And if I helped you out, then I've fulfilled my wish. Good luck with your future writing man, it was fun talking to you.
4625330 That was a good story I think you are a truly gifted writer
I thought this was a very sexy story, with one of the best cover images I've seen. I do agree, however, that it was a bit difficult to distinguish what was actually happening, and what Fluttershy was imagining.
6021478
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you found it sexy. I got inspired from BigMacDavis's story...uhm...it was...something. I can hardly remember. Anyway, maybe I should have made it more clear what was happening, but it's all part of the learning experience.