Lyra is turned into a plushie and Bon Bon sets out to turn her back to normal
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 13th May, 2013
- offline last seen May 3rd, 2021
Yoshi1990
Just a guy who loves the Nintendo character, Yoshi. (and ponies)
Yoshi1990
Joined 13th May, 2013 ·
Offline
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I've seen better story development in a Jason Voorhees movie
4633971 If I was paid to make stuff, I would make it better. Even if it still sucked.
(I don't even know who Jason Voorhees is)
4634747 He's the undead serial killer in the Friday the 13th movies.
4635048 Ah, that explain it.
I've never seen those movies. They are not my type of movie. I find that genre boring.
4635065 Yeah I used to watch those kinds of movies, but not any more. They get boring really quickly.
4634747 Jason is the killer in the Friday the 13tg movie series
4634747
Since everyone's doing it, I'd like to point out once again, that Jason is the killer in the Friday the Thirteenth series.
Am I cool yet?
4635065 Basically the Hockey Mask killer dude with the machete.
4635707
4635353
4635169
4635081
If I didn't know Jason Voorhees, I know him now.
still wont watch any of those movies.
Dat Ending I am both confused and pretty sure I'm suffering whiplash to my mind.
4775883
Dat ending can be a bit confusing. Re-reading the beginning of the 1st chapter might help with a little bit with the confusion.
4777207 The confusion comes from the fact that it felt so damned rushed though, like it went from hither to yon with no discernible tells and honestly, it felt like it was a bunch of wooden cutouts acting at that point.
4777514
I'm pretty new to writing, so my skills are not great, far from it. I actually re-wrote chapter 5 a few times, making it a little better. I really could not make it better by myself. I'm a better writer than I use to be and that's the important thing.
Some time next month, I plan on having an editor go through the story.
You want to see bad writing? Go read my other Lyra story. I'm amazed that thing even got any likes. Also a bit shocked it stopped getting dislikes after 200 views. I guess readers just go in knowing it will not be good.
I'm getting an editor after bronycon for that one just to make it suck less.
4778825 Not saying it sucks, but it feels like chapter five could have been flushed out over another chapter or two at least... it was basically like 'hey we're gonna dump EVERYTHING ON YOU AT ONCE so you can't tell how to feel.'
4778894
The truth is no one can please everyone. There will always be someone unhappy with how things turn out. Before the story was on Fimfiction, I had 2 people who said they loved the end. But everything can always be improved.
Your opinions have been noted, but honestly, I don't write for the readers, I write for myself. Its nice that others spend there time to read, so I do try my best when writing.
4778970 In address to your last bit there, allow me to state something. I never asked you to write for the readers, I understand where you're coming from on that end all too well.
But, I know how it feels when you KNOW that you could do better, and that is why I talked about the ending. I know from experience that there's likely that little nagging voice in the back of your mind saying, yeah I could have made that ending better.
4779136
I know you never asked, I just felt I had to say it. Some readers out there expect the author to do whatever they demand . Self centered sociopaths.
Added to the clopfics folder.
Okay.
5206683 That was an accident, thus I have removed it.
5206687
I was getting worried for a minute.
Worried and confused.
And laughing a little.
5206712 I was worried too. I have never added a story into the wrong group folder.
I knew it would happen one day.
5206728
Ya done goofed, son.
5206771 Its not my fault that my touch pad is over sensitive.
Dear Princess Celestia,
today I learned that I should never use a touch pad while adding stories to a group folder. Touch pads can be too sensitive and register stories into the wrong group folders.
5206798
With a story called "Lyra's Plush Adventure" being added to a clop folder, you can see how an eyebrow was raised.
5206805 My heart is still beating faster than normal due to the stress I caused myself.
I was confused to begin with but that was awsome i loved it
5479705
I'm glad you loved it.
I gave this story just over 7,500 words to pull me in, but all it's done is delivered dull prose and stilted dialogue. The whole thing seemed like a documentary with a boring script read by a yawning narrator. While I can follow the plot, it's far less interesting than it is weird — and not even the good kind of weird that you want to read the end but the kind that leaves you wondering what the point even is. What's more, obvious deus ex machina driving the story forward while still in chapter two? Really? Worst, you're being far too tell-y in some places, far too show-y in others, and using emotional exposition everywhere, and that absolutely hamstrings your story. Since it sucks to have anyone say that without substantiating their claim, I'll provide an example.
A better way to approach this passage would be…
They made their way to the kitchen, where Bon Bon prepared breakfast. She smiled as she brought Twilight a plate carrying two slices of honey-coated toast. “Breakfast is served,” she said, setting it on the table.
Twilight dove straight into her breakfast. Crumbs flew as she chewed with her mouth open, some of them landing on Bon Bon's coat.
Her face twisted as she brushed them off, wishing she had magic so she didn't need to touch the spit-covered sticky detritus. She regarded Twilight for a moment, her brow furrowing. “I expected better etiquette from a princess.”
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I know my writing is sub-par at best. I've never been good at putting my thoughts into other forms that are well written. Thanks for your insight, but it won't make a big difference. I just don't have the motivation to be a good writer. Writing is just something I do if I'm bored. I do try to do a decent job, and I have improved vastly compared to how I was two years ago.
I know there are editors out there, and I've tried to get many to help me. For six months I tried to get an editor for my first story, five moths for my second story, and 2 two months for this story and my newest story. As you can see, 75% my stories don't have editors. It's just too much work with no reward.