It was a beautiful morning in Equestria, the birds were singing, tha bunnies were runing and huming, squirrels were gathering food, everything looked so normal, well, not counting the fact that a never seen before creature was sleeping very happy under the giant oak tree in the EverFree Forest, this special place, luckily for Alex, was somehow one of the safest places there, many creatures gathered around the extrange creature and were just watching him with wonder eyes, they just stared for many minutes when they noticed he was starting to wake up, he let it out a big yawn and started to scratch the top of his “mane”. at least the animals thought it was a mane
“Oh boy I cant believe I really fell sleep in the park, really? if I got mugged I will really gonna lose my head here, just to think how many hours I will have to spend downloading all my movies and games in a new Vita and Laptop will be a pain in the ass, not to mention having to wait weeks again for that crazy electrician to make me new solar chargers”
When he finally opened his eyes to look for his stuff, he found them next to him, untouched, like he left them last night
“well, I'll be damn, maybe this part of the park is not very known by people, lucky me I guess”
Just to be sure, he started to register every inch of his backpack and suit case, everything was there, his devices, assasin outfit, his gadgets, some spare clothes and snickers he saved just in case he would crash in a friend's house after the convention.
“ok, it looks like everything is here, ok, lets go home and have some breakfast”
He graved his backpack and suit case, keeping talking to himself, he turned around to start walking
“And then I can call Steven to see if he wants his ass to be kicked again in Call of……”
At that moment Alex finally noticed he wasn't alone, he just stayed there, not believing what he was watching, there in front of him, little creatures like bunnies, squirels, many kind of birds, even a monkie, but something was odd, out of place… he could almost swear they look almost like cartoonish and boy…. freeking adorable, (he already thought little animals were adorable but the ones he knew and was used to see, looked like abominations compared to this ones)
One squirell even got near and offered him a peanut and he can swear it smiled to him, so did the other creatures, Alex could not believe it, this were creatures he already saw before, but they acted like they have some kind of mild inteligence, he was shocked, it actually could take a life to make an squirrel or any other animal do what he was just watching now.
But what really took his attention is the fact that the creatures and enviroment looked…. Familiar, like a dejavu, he grabed the peanut, smiled and nod to the squirrel that nod in return and returned to its friend, all the animals quickly lost the interest and started again doing what they were doing (wow!!! Its all what Alex could think at the moment), now he just started to look at his surroundings, he finally noticed he was no longer in the park, this looks like somekind of forest.
“Did someone or someones (he thought his friends maybe) found me sleeping in the park and brought me here as some kind of prank?”
he laughted a little, of course It had to be a prank, all his stuff were intact and with him, but he was in a different place, a robber would only take the stuff and who knows, maybe hurt him in some way, he would never take the chance to try to move him if he wanted to steal his stuff . . . yep! definetily a prank. (a little heavy, but a good prank in the end)
“Hahaha very funny whoever you are, cmon, you can come out, I'm not angry, in fact, I have to congratulate you for this prank, it had to be really hard to bring me here, I know you are not a mugger, you could just steal all my stuff and go, cmon don't be shy, Steven if it's you, I swear if you dont come out, I will go for you, and you know I will find you”
The answer never came, “Well maybe they just left me here and leave” It had sense after all, if you were gonna do this kind of prank, you will not wait for the person to wake up and try to beat you to a pulp, he sigh and did what any scout would do to find his way out of this forest, he climbed the tallest tree he could find, when he reached to top, he could not believe it, he was in the middle of and incredible huge forest, it had at least around 6km of diameter side by side, but what really took his attention, was that not much far away maybe 2 or 3 kms, at least, he could identify a figure that looked like an abandoned castle.
"Where the hell did that or those prankster brought me to? Steven if I found out it was you, you have a lot to explain man"
Alex kept looking for his surrondings but he still was wondering, Am I crazy?, everything really look like a cartoon, it almost feel natural but he couldn't shake off the feeling, he saw his hands, his clothes, his body…. Cartoonish? No way, he needed a mirror to know he was just imagining things, for his bad luck he wasn’t a narcisit so he didn’t have a mirror to always see his reflection, so before going to this castle to find some people, (its a castle, there have to be some tourists taking pictures or something) he thought and went first to the other point that took his attention, a wild river maybe 1 or 2 kms away, he needed some wáter anyway, so he came down from the tree, graved his stuff and started walking.
The scenary wasn’t all bad, it was beautiful and relaxing, but he could swear something or somethings were watching him, he thought it could be the pranksters, but it was… diferent, one almost could feel the thirst of blood in the air. When he finally reached the river, before any sip of wáter he had to do something first, for one reason he needed it, he had to see his reflection, he saw the wáter of this wild river and could not give credit of what he was watching, it was… HIMSELF but different, he could swear his eyes were at lest 4 or 5 times bigger, all his features looked like a cartoon, even his hair look all pointed like an anime character, even looking like a cartoon with big eyes, he knew what was in the reflection. . . was him, Was he kidnaped by some weird scientist that was experimenting a new hallucinogenic drug on him, did he eat something really spoiled yesterday, had he simply gone nuts, the worst part was that the fact that the cartoon looking was not shocking enough for him, but the fact he almost looked like something he knew he saw before, but he could not remember what it was, maybe anime, no it wasn’t, an animated movie, no it wasnt, think Alex think he thought.
Who would say his answer would come in the most unexpected way posible, in the distance he could hear a scream, he was about to run to its source but he noticed the sound was coming in his direction, Alex tried to identify the sound, it was definitely a little girl, not older than 9 or 10 years old, he took his binoculars from his backpack and started looking for the source, what he saw almost made him faint and started to think of the posibility of indeed he had gone nuts, what he saw, was a FILLY, but not just any fillie, it was someon….. somepony he knew very well, there she was, screaming and trying with all her strengh to keep floating, dragged by the wild river, she was, she was SWEETIE BELL!!!!! What the Fu….. for some reason he didnt find the strengh in his heart to finish that word.
So, normally I review things like this by picking through the story, but you know what? The front page has enough problems that I'm going to start
Jesus Christ! Why are you shouting your title at me? The caps lock is annoying as fuck and totally wrong. Instead think more along the lines of:
Also, what the hell does that title even mean? How does the theme "Keep living for friendship" show in this story? Moving on.
Oh, good lord. Let's take this whole thing from the top.
No. No no no. No. Don't ever write an HiE main character as a brony. It kills any hope the story has of remaining focused and having a dynamic plot line. You see, the problem with brony protagonists is twofold. First, there's a sheer lack of dramatic tension due to the fact that literally all tension in an HiE comes from the main character having to learn about, cope with, and adapt to the fact that he is now in a new world with ponies. Because the main character is a brony, he automatically knows everything about Equestria with little to no challenge.
Secondly, it looses focus. Instead of the main character going on a journey of the story's plot or even dedicating his screen time to a personal character arc, he just activates tourist mode and wants to see all of the stuff he's a fan of, which if you couldn't tell, isn't engaging for your audience. They don't want to see someone just faffing about in Ponyville on a wish fulfillment quest. So, in short, making him a brony kills the pacing and drama of an already flimsy plot.
Also, while I can't fault you for making a crossover with Assassin's Creed, you better know what you're doing. Crossovers in the hands of a new writer can severely hinder a story.
Damn, that is a lot of very messed up errors in one sentence. From the top.
First, the thundering fuckballs is an "adventure sense"? It sounds like a euphemism for a pirate getting horny. I swear, if this is the same thing as the eagle sense, I'm going to hidden blade a bitch.
Speaking of which, what do you mean he trained to become like the assassins? You realize half of what they do is physically impossible, right? Not to mention the other half requires intense training many professional military blokes wouldn't even handle. And you're telling me this fucking kid becomes an assassin? Copious amounts of bullshit.
Finally we have the bit about his family. I can't fault you too terribly hard given a lot of stories use family deaths to create drama, my own included, but ask yourself: what does it add to his character? If it's nothing but making him edgier, darker, or cooler, then cut the family killing. It'll just clog up the story.
Then we get this bunk.
Look, are you even trying to make an MLP fan fiction? Are you really? Because it looks like you just want to make a badass "edgy" OC story and Equestria is a small afterthought at the end of the paragraph so that you can call this an MLP fanfic. And in case you had not realized, if you're writing a story on this site and Equestria is a tacked on minor detail, then there's something very wrong.
In addition your description of the character in that excerpt is so one dimensional that he makes the protagonist of COD:Ghosts look like Oscar level writing,
So, yeah. Not even gotten into the story and this is so obviously shite that I am utterly convinced to look no deeper" I'd say this should be sent to either the scrap yard or back to the drawing board.
4596360 cause insulting your audience is totally a good idea.
4596360
Well, as a user who you can't attack based on the number of fics...
Cool story bro, it gave me cancer, but your comment then took that cancer and upgraded it with genital warts.
Thanks for that.
4597864 thanks man, i really apreciate the critic, and trustme it thought about it many times, making him a brony or not, trustme this will not be a story of a brony goofing around in equestria fullfilling any brony dreams, i know my writing is poor, as i said, English is not my native lenguate, and trustme, i hope to finish this story, then i will start a new one, one must fail sometimes to win later right. just wait to see the remaining chapters, i hope to change your mind.
4597885
It's what I do.
4597881
Dropbear, you devilish bastard. When the fuck did you get here?
4597889 and by the titlle i was thinking of changing it, but it would only shows how poor my will is, trust me i have plans to give more sense to the tittle, maybe in the climax of the story.......UH, spoilers.
4597895
My Dropbear-sense tingled, so I left the gumtree to have a gander at this here shitstorm in the making. .
In all seriousness though, when I saw the DABC notification. It's a slow night, and night is when I do my lurking. Plus with a comment like that, I couldn't help but wade in and stir the pot a little.
Now I must go, and eat a snickers.
4597907
It doesn't show weak will to make improvements based on new ideas in the face of criticism, man. It doesn't show that you, as you have said, "have no balls."
As for the climax, I feel like I see it coming a mile away, but if you say so.
4597911 you do that, you half Cuban half changeling shmexy monstrosity.
Okay, so I have no idea what is going on in here. I just randomly appeared in the rustling grass.
Anyway, please don't leave caps lock on when you type up your titles. All caps is hard to read and it stands out like a sore thumb. As for your description, I can't stop wanting to edit it, so here you are. Free of charge.
Feel free to tweak it as necessary. Also, contrast and compare the two. What do you think makes this version work better? Or does it? Did I miss the point?
Question anything and everything at least once.
4598104 ..........OK, its way better, ill use it thank you. i mean it thank you
4598172
You're welcome. I don't know what everyone else has said, but getting a proof-reader and/or an editor would probably help this story and any others that you write in the future.
Review. It's not the worst I've seen, but a small part of me is hoping that you can turn this around. I only reviewed the prologue so far, and I didn't like what I see, hopefully you will attempt to make this better or not. I really don't care, just leaving the review here so you, the author, can acknowledge that.
4596360
Commander had three stories before, they were just of such quality, the mods took them down because people were getting their feelings hurt by the fics.
But you want someone to comment on your story that has nine published stories?
I have a few things to say.
The biggest thing? Your MC is a Gary Stu.
This image sums it up.
i.imgur.com/LGsCe5o.png
The second biggest thing? Use some bloody periods.
4601633 ok, thanks for the comment, you are right, i didnt have any right to tell that to THE COMMANDER, and trust me i really will try to not make a Gary stu of my CO, but its a little hard, i hope SPIKE and the Crusaders help me with that. and im really sorry about the periods, i dont have an editor and english is not my native lenguage. any way thanks.
4601633 and trust me, when i made the prologue, i just wanted to prove a character can be cool and skilled to survive in equestria by his own trained abilities, trust me i dont plan him to take down an entire changeling army or a dragon all by himself, he is not a superman, as i said, mayyyyybe i will consider giving him extra abilities through magic, but as u says i could make him too powerfull and a gary stu. sometimes dealing with OC is dificult, i can see that now.
You bad grammar, much have.
4909427 also fair enough, i haven't edited chapter 4 yet, thanks.
Good so far but needs a bit of grammar a spelling issues worked out. Get a good editor and proofreader and you got an amazing fic.
You spelled Assassin wrong. It's spelled "Assassin."
8788568
You spelled it exactly the same