Eclair the Pegasus
Joined 14th Jun, 2014 ·
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Great So Far
Really good! Though spacing out your paragraphs would make the text easier to read. Also I noticed a few minor errors, most of them just capitalization's and basic spelling errors, which is something that most of us do constantly.
Dash's name would be capitalized, because it is a nick name.
*Hoof steps is apparently two words
**It's spelled neighborhood, but it's not that big of a deal
I typically start a new paragraph whenever one character starts to speak, and then start another with the next actions to make it more clear when a character starts speaking. An example would be this:
Though this isn't necessary, I find that It makes the text a bit easier to read.
Lastly, remember that true critiques are just there to tell you what is wrong with a story, and even a way to fix it if their nice. I get that can kind of come off as a bit mean, but they're doing because they find the story good enough that they are willing to try and help you correct it.
All that aside, this story is good, and I find your writing style amusing and even fun to read, but like I said before it was a bit bunched up and spacing it out with paragraphs and indents would be helpful to the eye. I read about your tablet problem, and I realize that a lot of the corrections I put up there probably wouldn't be there if you were using a computer. I can relate to how hard it is to write with out a proper keyboard.
Best of luck with the story, in my opinion it was like worthy.
Much easier to read, and I see that you expanded on the story as well, and I have to say that I'm quite intrigued by where this is going.
Although, from what I can tell, all of the content is good in spelling in grammar, the story's revelations are a bit sudden, which is completely fine by the way. I just thought I'd mention it.
Also, that mirror picture at the bottom cuts the text in half. ( as in some of the sentence is above the picture and the rest of the sentence is below the picture)
This pretty much sums my "critique" up; I couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors and I think the story looks just fine. Some things could use a bit more 'expand and explain' (like maybe her house, her room, or even some of Ponyville) but it's nothing too serious.
Keep up the good work!
4615443 you just had to choose the song I love didn't you
4613400 dunno how the reply system works on iPod, it'll just show numbers
Anyway, this is to Sapphic in their first post: neighbourhood is a valid spelling and the original spelling.
4615706 I've only seen two. I would love to read more though, maybe get some inspiration. Know of any good ones?
4615706 cause I've looked around for a while but can't find anything
4615736 there will be some definite "pussy grinding" in this story, I will assure you.
4615770 sorry, my gf wanted her OC so I put it as the protagonist. Plus I couldn't think of any good 'Victorian age' pony names seeing as Elizabeth is two thousand years old.
4615787 can't blame me for tryin'
4615722 Actually I don't know any good one. I've read some of these stories, but they all fall flat on their face in the end.
There is one story that a lot of people like that use this type of set-up.
This story. Maybe you will get some ideas from it.
4615787 grow up. everyone is entitled to write a story how they want.
4615998 thank you honey bunny
anyone who is just posting hate reviews, buck off. time for constructive criticism.
you use I more or less at the beginning of every sentence, and the story is a tiny bit confusing, but other than that, I Like It
if You want, i could help with the proof reading 
I think the reason people are bitching and whinging, is because its got an alicorn in. just for the record all you trolls out there, its my OC. hate on anyone, hate on ME. I dont care, I'll take You All. One at a time, or All at once, its all the same to Me.
4616014 you're to sweet
4616014 but you might want to see the two groups following the story before anything else
wow, who down voted my first comment?
4616018 I'll stand up for You against all of them sweety, and some people are just talking out of their asses, so Ignore them. they aren't worth listening to.
4616032 and the one hour YouTube video describing how bad it is?
4616035 Ignore It
its really bums trolls when their bitch-fest fails to get a reaction 
4616052 I cant stop laughing
You really think I CARE what you think? I love reading troll comments, I feel so much smarter 
but right now, reading yours, I can feel my IQ dropping 
grow a pair of balls, then I might take you seriously.
#NextPastSins
4616403 not at all
4616520 Then why are you calling people that post these "hate reviews" trolls then?
4616548 Because I want to?
4615998
I disagree.
4617184 everyone is allowed to disagree, Im not stopping anyone. just stop hating people for writing a story you dont like. this is aimed at everyone.
4617211
I'm not hating anyone. All I said was "I disagree". I haven't even explained my opinion yet.
4617215 I know, that bit was for everyone else. I dont have time unfortunately to hear right now, i got a commandant's inspection to prepare for, but if you wanna explain, You could pm me and I'll check later
and for everyone else, Eclair has quit the story, so dont need to comment anymore.
Jesus, Eclair. This comments section is a battleground. And you know the worst part? You seemed to be handling things relatively well and civil until your lady friend stepped in and you both flew off the handle.
Anyways, gonna take a look at this a little later. Going to need some tea first. Be back in an hour. Peace.
4617600 my comment was aimed at everyone
read before you talk out of your ass. night night, its midnight here, so dont expect a reply to any of your comments.
4617250 my apologies
4617620 img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130902231417/tmnt/images/thumb/a/a8/Well-excuse-me-princess.jpg/500px-Well-excuse-me-princess.jpg
4617211
Well, insults don't defeat insults. That goes for everyone involved in this entire discussion.
I didn't hate anything, until I started reading this comments section. Why should I offer my help if you're going to automatically assume that I hate the story?
P.S. I will add that Elizabeth could so easily become Eclair and instantly be a pony name. All problems solved on that front. Really, it's not hard to find solutions to the issues that were mentioned.
4617622
Accepted.
4617672 Im sorry, for flipping off the handle at everyone. I really am. I apologise to everyone I have insulted and I wish I could make amends for all the insults I've thrown.