Party Time

~Warning!May contain some bad 'trollfic' jokes,so if you are not a fan of bad puns,((or bad jokes))consider yourself warned!~
*Written in Equestria Girls Universe*

When Silver Star attends what is supposed to be a perfectly controlled party by Sweetie Belle at Applejack's place,things goes awry when the kids discover a stash of alcoholic drinks.

Chapters (2)

What could possibly go wrong? · 11th Jun 2014 · 1,915 words
1,915
Download .txt
Download .html
Everything goes wrong · 12th Jun 2014 · 331 words
331
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 4 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 4
- Newest First
- Oldest First

kiersten12

kiersten12 #1 · Jun 11th, 2014 · · · What could possibly go wrong? ·

I think you should continue on how aj reacts to the girls! :-)

Tailgate

Tailgate #2 · Jun 12th, 2014 · · · What could possibly go wrong? ·

Oh,who am I?My name is Silver Star,a not so proud sister of Silver Spoon. Silver Spoon can be a real pain but sometimes,she could be really nice. I had already gotten my special talent in Astronomy. Call me a nerd,but I discovered it while reading a book. Up till today,I haven't heard the end of how lame my "Special Talent" story was.

I would suggest putting a single space after each comma, it is good formatting.

Also, with a quick scroll I realized about half the story is written with the text centered. I would heavily suggest fixing that. It really breaks immersion and I see no purpose to do it otherwise in this situation. Secondly, one tab is fine for starting off paragraphs.

From annoying our sisters to slumber parties to even mysteriously burning a swimming pool that was full of water.

I like this! However I would suggest changing your words from

"mysteriously buring a swimming pool that was full of water."

"catching our swimming pool on fire."

It is simpler and is easier to understand. You don't really need mysteriously as we could tell from the comment itself, that sort of thing should not be possible.

Present Time

I would suggest just using a line to go over the perspective change rather than stating it in the story. However, if you have problems establishing that the time has changed, this is fine.

"It's over here."Apple said in her country accent

Rather than stating she said it in her accent, I would fit what she says to her accent. Such as changing I'm to Ah'm. How you want her accent to sound changes how her words sound, so I would take advantage of that. Just don't go overboard with it.

"Mmm,tastes funny,but still apple cider."Scootaloo confirmed before taking out a small vial and filling it.

In sentences with quotation marks directly followed by another sentence, you would not use a period, rather you would use a comma.

"Mmm, tastes funny,but still apple cider," Scootaloo confirmed before taking out a small vial and filling it.

Tailgate

Tailgate #3 · Jun 12th, 2014 · · · Everything goes wrong ·

Without my approval?

Like she would give her approval anyways!

"Sure! Come try some of this, it's 40% pure alcohol!"

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND NEVER RETURN!GO AWAY!TAKE YOUR STUPID GROUP AWAY AND DON'T EVER COME BACK TO THIS PLACE!"Rarity shrieked,picking up a broom and shooing us away,"YOU DRINK MY VODKA,YOU WILL PAY FOR IT WITH BLOOD!!

Using all capitals and bold letters is completely unneeded in any story, regardless of how much you are trying to emphasize your character's feelings or words. Rather, only one exclamation mark and normal capitalization will do. Don't use more then one like you did in the last sentence she spoke, and I would also suggest not using bold, rather use italics to emphasize a single world or phrase.

"Get out of my sight and never return! Go away! Take your stupid group away and don't ever come back to this place!" Rarity shrieked, picking up a broom and shooing us away. "You drink my vodka; you will pay for it in blood!

Cytotoxin