Neat, new chapter

Let me guess, it is up to Spike, Celestia and Fleur Di Lis to save the day?

Spike and Celly are so amazingly screwed.

The rich openly masturbated in the streets, reaching many orgasms while toddling around in their diapers. A random unicorn could be seen humping an oversized diaper as big as a mattress, openly soiling it as he rubbed against it.
"I...Don't understand," Twilight said as she looked around the city streets. "The town seems fine to me..."

i.imgur.com/znIFXlv.gif

I originally favorited this story because I was curious about the premise and wanted to see where you would take it. This new chapter finally brought me out of the woodwork and gave me some things to say, but I wanted to reread it all before I said anything, so I could address the bigger picture, so these comments are going to address all four chapters as a whole.

The first thing I noticed upon rereading was that the intro scene is long. It's detailed, and the details are well-done, but they're unnecessary to the story at hand. Is it really important to the story that Twilight was cross-referencing potions books, or creating "a red potion that might unlock the possibility of earthen energies"? Those are fascinating details, but they're details for another story. Say, a story about potion brewing. But this story isn't about potion brewing, it's about diapers. And the first nine paragraphs have little to do with diapers.

The cardinal rule of writing is that the reader should never, not even for a single moment at any point in time, feel like their time is being wasted. This makes beginnings perhaps the hardest part to write, because right from the bat you need to be feeding the reader like a spoiled child.

Sure, the events leading up to the magical event are important, but those events can be revealed by Twilight a bit later, and this revelation can be leveraged as a plot device.

The biggest question I'm looking to answer during this reread is, "What exactly did this spell do? What is the state of mind of the effected ponies?" Clearly, it makes them horny and makes them like diapers, But in particular, how do they treat their diapers? Is it a new fetish, or a new lifestyle?

Rarity and Hoity Toity's scene in the first chapter seems to strongly suggest that's it's a fetish. (Rarity calls Hoity Toity a "naughty baby", Hoity Toity calls Rarity "my little diapered pony," suggesting that the diaper is distinctive.) It's still understandable that they might wear diapers full time, even if it's just a fetish, because they are not constantly sexual.

A recurring trend in these scenes is that the affected ponies have lost their reason. Big Mac doesn't think to undo his harness properly. The pegasi don't think that their urine will have to leave the clouds eventually. Rainbow doesn't question where all the extra diapers come from. (And one not explicitly stated: No one worries about the massive buildup of diapers and excrement that this is surely going to cause.) Is this value of immediate sensual gratification over a reason a product of their sex-craze, or a symptom of regression? I'm not sure yet.

The second chapter gives us the first definite evidence that some regression is occurring: the narrative directly states that the kids are acting like "whiny toddlers". But it's only the younger characters who noticeably regress, and even then not by much, perhaps because the regression is minor. The events in the schoolhouse are also not perceived as fetishy by the characters, probably due to the age of the characters involved.

With the cakes, we see how businesses have adapted to the new world. This is actually a very important scene, because it establishes that the world is still spinning on, and these ponies are still capable of running a business. Their economy and society has not fallen apart, merely adapted.
What's especially interesting in this scene is the naked stallion who comes into the shop in desperate need of a diaper. Other options, such as toilets or going in the bushes, don't even occur to him. These appear to have been eliminated as options.

Carrot Cake's frustration with his wife serves to remind us that these characters are sill people with their own lives and personalities. Later on in this review I'm going to comment about how a lot of the vignettes seemed unnecessary and I feel you should cut down on them for the sake of the story, but everything with the Cakes is important.

The fact that Cup Cake isn't as aroused and is being very pragmatic about this new world hints that other than an interest in diapers and a lack of inhibitions, these characters haven't changed. Cup Cake wasn't physically attracted to her husband before, and this hasn't changed that. It's the same reason Soarin isn't aroused until he approached Spitfire: Their personalities haven't been altered, but previously hidden facets are being drawn up to the surface. The ponies engaging in orgies are ponies who would have done so before, had such activity not been previously frowned upon, and had they not been inhibited.

Spike's scene is good background building too, except it's a little ambiguous whether he knows about sex or not. His reactions and inner thoughts seem to imply he knows what the sexual ponies are doing, but then he's confused when he sees Hoity Toity with Rarity, and he doesn't connect it back to all the other sex he's witnessed today.

Chapter Three, "Rallying the Troops", was unmemorable, to be honest. I got to the end of the chapter two in the reread, wracking my brain for what could have possibly happened between then and chapter four, given that Spike already had the letter. We got to see how Twilight had adapted to this new world, but other than that, very little of the chapter was important to the plot. Rarity and Fluttershy's reactions were spot-on in-character and well-written, but that's not a reason to include it in the story. Harsh as it sounds, whole swaths of this chapter could be cut in order to help advance the story faster.

Then we get to chapter four. This chapter confused me, which is the main reason I reread the story and made all these comments. Up until this point, the effects of the magic have been fairly consistent: A change in values, a loosening of inhibitions, slight regression, and interest in diapers and foalplay.

And then we get Fancy Pants, who has been completely regressed, and Fleur, who immediately steps into a mother role. This goes against everything that the last three chapters have established, and left me questioning everything I had previously taken away from the story.

Most of the rest of the chapter was back to how things had previously been established, but I was already confused and shaken. You have one line that I particularly love, because it sums up how this new world works:

"You'll really like the place I'm takin' you to eat," Vinyl said as she helped the other pony up to her feet, "they got like ball pit and everything!"

They're still adults, but the baby-play has invaded every aspect of their lives. This line demonstrates that perfectly, and I can easily imagine Vinyl saying that.

Celestia's guard asks her if she has to use the potty, which marks the first time a toilet of any sort has been mentioned in this story. This isn't an inconsistency, since at this point what the ponies know about toilets and think about toilets is still an open question. I hope it's a question that gets explored in future chapters. Would Twilight recognize a toilet if Celestia showed her one? How would she react if she was told to use it?

Notice I had nothing to say about a number of vignettes, include Lyra and Bon Bon's, the Wonderbolt's, Vynil's, and Octavia's. While some of these scenes were interesting, they didn't do very much for building the new world, and they mostly retrod the path of "These ponies do diapers and diaper-related things now", a path that was already trod much better in the Cake scene. It starts to get repetitive, and the repetition wore me down. None of these four scenes helped the story, and I feel the story might be a better read if they were condensed, or even cut.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about what I really liked from this story, the reasons I favorited it and am continuing to favorite it. You've created an interesting world and explored how the characters in this world would behave, and outside of the Fancy Pants scene, you've done this consistently. Supporting characters like Luna, Carrot and Cup Cake, and the guard Celestia speaks to help the world to come alive and add new dynamics to how it behaves. You make the readers ask questions, and you explore those questions. At times, the story progression takes a back seat to exploring different characters and their environments, but that doesn't stop this from being an interesting story that still has my attention.

I really hope you read all of this. Shoot me a message if you want to make a dialogue out of this monologue. I'd love to get a chance to talk to you. If not, I can't wait for chapter five.

4930105 Wow that's a long post!

Thank you for taking the time to write such a review. And thank you double for not spamming my comment section with cap locks and image links to illustrate your thoughts. The review was a tad on the critical side, however you made some good points and I'll definitely take them into consideration.

A lot of this story started out with following the "These ponies do diapers and diaper-related things now" concept that you mention. It was never intended to even have a story, but writing can take a life of it's own sometimes. In the beginning this story started out as an over-the-top medium where I simply asked "if this character was in a diaper, what would they do?" and used the magical event as a singularity to tie it all together. It was a way for me to go all out and not worry about believability or proper structure. The bridge I built with this story was built in sections and could accurately be compared to theater improv by how I approached it.

Now with that in mind, I'm sure if I took my time, turned the fetish dial down a few clicks and organized my supplies before I built the bridge, it'd have better, more 'believable' world building, and a consistent structure, I'm sure.

Thank you again for the feedback and feel free to send a message if you are interested in talking.

4930384

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Looking at my post, I realize it was pretty critical. I tried to mitigate it by concluding with how much I enjoyed the story, even with the criticisms, and I did enjoy the story immensely. I wouldn't have written such a long comment if I didn't care about the story. But I was still harsh. I won't apologize for it, because I stand by the criticisms I said, but I also recognize that it's your story.

I also didn't mean to tell you that you should make broad sweeping changes in accordance with my vision instead of yours. I get that it's a fetish fic, and if your inclination was to be more "porn with plot" than "plot with porn", that's your decision, and I'll definitely continue to read it.

It's rare that I find a fic that enamors me so much. I do love good worldbuilding, and I may have let this story's potential for worldbuilding color my comments.

I'll definitely send you a message sometime.

I wonder; was Luna already asleep before the spell hit? After all she's a powerful alicorn as well and I would think she would be able to resist it too.

5701515 maybe it's hit her harder because she was asleep