A loud yawn rose from a certain ninja’s bedroom in Konoha, also known as ‘The Village Hidden in the Leaves’. That ninja’s name was Naruto Uzumaki, a sixteen year old, and a genin. The lowest rank of ninja which, as he sometimes thought to himself, doesn’t do him justice.
The sheets and covers wrinkled as their occupant turned restlessly in his bed, trying to get a few more minutes of sleep.
After a few unsuccessful tries, Naruto gave up, and stretched his hands upwards, letting out a sigh. He kicked the covers away from himself, revealing messy blonde hair. He rubbed his eyes, getting the sleep out of them, and finally opening them to reveal their deep azure color. Removing his hands, three whisker marks were apparent on each of his cheeks.
He turned around in bed and put his legs on the floor, slowly getting up. The first thing he grabbed was a headband next to his bead. It comprised of a long, black cloth band, and attached to its middle was a metal plate, proudly bearing the mark of Konoha.
He attached this prized headband blindly, still barely opening his eyes, but nonetheless quickly and proficiently. Doing this for over three years on a daily basis will do that to you. Afterwards, he changed out of his pajamas, which were white with fine stripes of blue, into an orange and black jumpsuit. This time he had no choice but open his eyes, as he nearly tripped into the bottom part when changing.
After putting on the suit and wearing his black shoes, he walked out of the room and into the bathroom. Quickly brushing his teeth and splashing some much needed cool water onto his face, he finally smiled at the mirror. “Another great day starting with a gorgeous face,” he said to himself with a slightly smug grin. He then walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen of his small apartment, and grabbed for himself a highly nutritious breakfast—instant ramen and milk.
After heating some water, he added them to the ramen cup and began the most excruciating wait of the day—the three minutes until the ramen was done. Taking out the milk from the fridge, he opened it up and brought it to his mouth to have a sip, when a rather forceful knock suddenly came from the front door.
“Coming,” Naruto called out, taking a large gulp of milk. “Who knocks this early in the morning? Kakashi? Nah… He’d never be this early. Sakura? Welp, that would be the day…” he thought to himself semi-humorously as he walked to the door and opened it.
“Hello, Naruto Uzumaki,” said in a female voice what seemed to be a white horse with a long horn and a huge pair of wings. She had purple eyes, and her fluttering mane was sparkling, and had red, green and blue stripes. She also seemed to wear a crown and a golden necklace, embroided with a large purple gem. All Naruto could do was merely stand there and gaze at her dumbfoundedly, his mouth agape and milk dripping out of it onto the floor. His brain was slowlying trying to come to terms with what his eyes were transmitting to it.
“I’m sorry, but…” was all the winged Unicorn said before bright light arose from her long horn. Soon the light became bright enough to turn the whole world around Naruto white, effectively blinding him.
“Hey! What the—” was all Naruto could yell, trying to shield his eyes from the penetrating rays, before his conciousness completely left him.
*****
“Naruto…” a voice called. Naruto groaned, his body feeling as heavy as if it was made of lead. “Wake up you brat!” the voice repeated, his volume increasing five-fold. Naruto’s eyes shot open as he recognized the voice.
Finally, he mustered the strength and pushed himself up, only then noticing the hard floor was covered in water. A pair of huge, red eyes with narrow pupils gazed at him from behind a humongous red cage. All around them was darkness, and the echoing sound of dripping water.
“Oh look, it’s Mr. Grumpy Fox. For what do I have the honor of meeting you today?” Naruto asked with sarcasm dripping from every word.
“This is no time for jokes, brat!” the creature behind the cage growled. Naruto paced closer, and could see the all-too-familiar shape of an orange, nine-tailed demon fox, which was simply called ‘The Kyuubi’. “You let someone get the jump on you, and now we’re probably in the stickiest situation we’ve ever been in. I can’t even tell how far we are from Konoha,” he said, looking down at the ninja angrily.
“Did we somehow get kidnapped by the Akatsuki?” Naruto inquired, stunned over being kidnapped out of his own home.
“Instead of expecting me to give you some answers, why don’t you just open your damn eyes?!” the fox roared. In an instant, Naruto’s physical eyes opened.
He found himself lying on the ground. He was unbound, still intact, and with everything he had on him. Letting out a sigh of relief, he stood up and looked around him. Shadowed by trees, he looked back to see an unusually dark and dense forest behind him. Up ahead, he saw slightly cloudy blue skies. The fields under them were green and slightly hilly. A small creek passed through it not far ahead, and had a bridge built over it. A trail, which the bridge was a part of, extended past the creek into a small town about half a mile away.
“Hmm…” Naruto crossed his hands, trying to remember what just happened. “One moment I was home… And the next I was here…” he muttered to himself, attempting to connect the two pieces of information. “Agh! I can’t remember!” he called in frustration, giving up after only drawing a blank.
“Oh well, at least if I was kidnapped, those kidnappers didn’t do a very good job if they’re leaving me out in the open like that…” Naruto said with a smug grin, which disappeared a moment later. “Wait… What if it’s a genjutsu?! Hmm… Aha!” Thinking it is a genjutsu, he started pinching his cheeks and jabbing himself with chakra-charged fingers.
Five minutes of that later, and he heard a somewhat malicious chuckle. “As much as I enjoyed this little show, I have to tell you this isn’t a genjutsu,” rang out the fox’s voice in his mind.
“Great, so what am I supposed to do now?” Naruto grumbled.
“How should I know?! Just go over to that town and gather some info!” the Kyuubi replied, his tone indicating that the conversation was over.
“Yeah, I probably won’t get anywhere if I just wander around,” Naruto figured, and did as the fox suggested.
As he walked over the bridge, a mountain which was hidden behind the trees came into view, revealing a city built into a mountain. Naruto rubbed his eyes in disbelief, and took in some of its details—it was white and beautiful, a large castle standing in its middle. The roofs of the buildings were completely covered in gold. “Well… This looks… Strange…” he muttered, having never seen anything built quite like that. It was as if a completely different culture had built it.
*****
Approaching the town, he started hearing a lot of noise coming from it.
“When’s the shipment coming?!” a male voice demanded.
“Bring the flags to the town hall!” a female voice called.
As he strode even closer, something caught his eyes. A rainbow suddenly flashed in the sky in front of him. “Odd, it’s not raining and that rainbow is completely straight,” he thought to himself.
Then, from between the building he caught a glimpse of two of the smallest horses he’d ever seen. But that was hardly their striking characteristic- one was white with purple, long swirly mane and tail, and the other was pink, with a puffy and darker pink-colored mane and tail.
“The hell? Those are some weird looking horses if I ever saw ones,” he muttered to himself, raising a brow.
“I’m really, really sorry, darling,” a very feminine voice rang out from the white and pink horses’ direction. “But this time I just don’t think I will need your help. While I do appreciate your parties and your abilities as a party planner, a more refined taste is required when none other than Princess Celestia herself will be coming over to visit!”
Watching the entirety of this being spoken, and the white miniature horse’s mouth moving in perfect synchronization, Naruto slowly but surely came to a shocking conclusion—“T-T-T-Talking Horsessssssssssss!” he screamed, hiding behind one of the buildings.
“Wait a second...” he muttered to himself. “There has to be a logical explanation here." He took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. "It's not a genjutsu. Is it a transformation jutsu?" However, the sheer ridiculousness and colorfulness of their appearances made him realize that probably wasn't it. "I got it! They must be summons! Weird, small, colorful summons…” he realized. “Hmm… I wonder what kind of jutsus they use?”
Naruto took another peek at the horses, only to see the white one heading away, and the pink one nowhere in sight. He let out a sigh of relief. "Best not be spotted by them. They could be aligned with enemy ninjas…” he muttered worriedly. “If that’s the case, this whole place could be an enemy pony territory as far as I'm concerned." Quickly realizing just how ridiculous that sounded, he dearly hoped no one would ever hear that.
“That was the weirdest thing I heard this past hour. By the way, who's 'them'? They sound like a bunch of meanies.”
Turning his head to the left side and way below his eye level, he was met with a pair of light blue eyes, belonging to the pink horse he saw earlier next to the white one.
“Woah!” Naruto shouted, surprised. Stunned by her sudden appearance, silent and undetectable even to his ninja senses, he stumbled back and fell on his rump.
“’Woah!’ yourself,” replied the small pink horse back at him, smiling brightly. “Ooh, you’re tall! And you have a nice mane up there. Oh, I know! You’re a Minotaur! You kinda look like one! That’s so cool! No, wait, you don’t have horns. But then it’s really cool how you’re standing on two legs like that! How are you doing that?!” She said all that really quickly. “Oh right, so what’s your name? Mine’s Pinkie Pie!”
“H-How did you do that?! Are you a ninja?!” he called in shock. “She must be at least a jonin!” he thought as he was about to reach out for a kunai.
“No, silly! I just said I'm Pinkie Pie! Ponyville's best party thrower! Who are you?”
“Umm… Naruto Uzumaki,” he answered hesitantly as he got up, his hand still readied at a moment's notice for an attack. He wasn't quite sure how to react to the creature's hyperactivity.
“Ah! Since I don’t know you it means you’re new here, ‘cuz I know everypony, and I mean EVERYPONY here in Ponyville!” she said, again very quickly. “So… Welcome to Ponyville, Naruto! Now let’s see here… No horn… No wings… I’ve got it! You’re an Earth pony like me! We’re Earth-pony-extra-special-friends!” she shouted out, her eyes practically beaming out with joy.
“Earth… Pony…? I’m a human…” he muttered. Her constant over-the-top shouts made him drop his both his guard and the whole ‘talking horse’ issue.
“What’s a human? Sounds like a name of a bad brand of candies if you ask me”, she chuckled at her own joke.
“Wait a second… Where are we? How far is this place from Konoha?” he inquired quickly before she could continue blabbering on.
“Ko… No… What?”
“You know, the Village Hidden in the Leaves?”
“How can leaves hide an entire village? Is the village really small? Or maybe the leaves are really big? Come to think of it, the other day I saw nearby the Everfree Forest—”
“The Land of Fire?” he quickly interrupted.
“That just sounds dangerous. A whole country that’s burning? Oh, maybe that’s where all the dragons live…”
“Are you really that dense? I can’t take her rumblings any longer…” spoke the fox in his mind. “We’re in another dimension now. No amount of walking can get you back to Konoha.”
“An… An… ANOTHER DIMENSION?!” Naruto yelled aloud.
“Yep! Welcome to this dimension!” Pinkie answered cheerfully. “You can call it whatever you want, it doesn’t really have a name. Oh! You can make up a name for it! How about dimension-discovered-by-Naruto-who-came-from—”
“Pinkie,” Naruto cut her off. He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly before speaking. “Pinkie… Is there anything around here that looks like me, like a human?” He couldn't just take the fox's words at face value and had to hear it for himself, no matter how bad her answer would be.
“So… You’re not an Earth pony?” she confirmed.
Naruto glared at her angrily, starting to lose his patience.
“Nopey-dopey. Only Earth ponies, Unicorns and Pegasi. Oh! We do have some bunnies, bears, griffons, dragons, donkeys…”
“If she doesn’t know humans then it means they’re not summons… Wait, what was that?” he asked, catching some bizarre ones in that list.
“Bunnies. You’re not afraid of them, are you?” she asked with a teasing grin.
“No, no. After that.”
“Donkeys?”
“Before that.”
“Dragons?”
“Dragons are only myths, aren’t they?” he arched a brow skeptically.
“Well, we don’t see them much, but they’re definitely real! Ooh, if one comes and lives here, wouldn’t it just be both awesome and terrifying?! It would be just awerrifying!”
“Come to think of it, aren’t Unicorns and Pegasi also myths?”
“What are you talking about?! It’s as if you’ve never seen a pony in your life!” she started pushing him into town. “Oh right, you didn’t,” she giggled. “Okay, just come and meet some. And afterwards I’ll throw you an awesome par—”
“Wait, Pinkie! Listen, I can't stay here. I have to get back home.”
“Aw, come on! It'll be as quick as pie! Besides, I still have to throw you a party! I mean, I have to throw a party for every new pony in Ponyville!”
Naruto pondered this. “Well… I do need some help getting home, and I do have the day off… Maybe I could get one of the ponies to cast a reverse summoning jutsu to send me back to Konoha? But… They don't know what humans are...”
“Okay, Pinkie. I’ll come,” he decided eventually. “But I can't just walk around like this,” he said. “Everyone will probably panic when they see me!”
“Oh don’t worry, Rarity will fix your hair in a jiffy!” Pinkie smiled.
“Hey! What’s wrong with my hair?!” he cried in protest. “Wait… That’s not what I meant!”
“Transformation Jutsu!” Naruto called, performing a certain shape with his hands, which looked odd to Pinkie, and causing a cloud of smoke to appear around him.
When the smoke cleared, instead of Naruto the human stood an Earth pony, deep orange in color, with bright yellow mane and bushy, fox-like tail which was white at its tip. He had blue eyes, and adorning his forehead was the Konoha headband. His whisker marks slightly thickened in comparison to his human self, but not as much as when the Kyuubi took over him. Only the top part of his jumpsuit remained in place, along with his tool bag, on the side of his belly.
“That… Was… AWESOME!” Pinkie cried. “How did you do that?! Are you really a Unicorn and you just hid your horn!?”
“No… That was just a transformation jutsu.”
“Ju-su?” she inquired, having trouble pronouncing it.
Naruto let out a sigh. “Never mind, don’t fret about it. Anyway, Pinkie,” he stared her square in the eyes “Don’t tell anybody—“
“Anypony.”
“Er… Alright. AnyPONY about this. As far as you know, I’m just a regular pony. Got it?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye!” she immediately proclaimed.
Naruto stared at her for a few seconds after that weird outcry. “Umm… Alright, I suppose it’s okay then.”
Naruto couldn’t take even one step before falling over. “Dammit, how do you even walk on four legs?! That’s like two too many!”
So far this is a good cross over.
Constructive criticism: Your premise terrible and pulled off without any really interest. The description is godawful, you use the number '2' instead of 'two', and your short description is a better description than your long description.
What I want to say: I like to shove broken glass up my ass.
Interesting, however I've noticed the font is rather large, especially for the "small" text size that I use. You really should lower that. Also, it feels like the chapter's a bit rushed, especially the part where Naruto meets Pinkie. It feels a good bit too fast, as if he immediately trusts her. That's pretty weird considering his nature in the anime and just how weird it would be to trust a foreign creature you never saw or heard of before immediately. Let's not forget the timing. When was Naruto transported? It had to be before Naruto fought Madara or heard of him. Perhaps not the latter. But it's gotta be in Shippuuden considering he's 16. You might want to add that in there, as well as use the words for numbers instead of the numbers themselves. More pleasing to the eye - in my case at least - and seems to give a more "refined" look to your story.
Look and improve on whatever you feel you can, and you'll be making a good crossover. Good luck, and I enjoyed reading this for the most part!
4499100
I'll admit it's not exactly perfect, but I think you're going a bit far there, dude.
Alright, criticism time...
The Good: Pinkie's reactions is kinda spot on, for her at least. Something some crossovers take a bit too far is the odd reactions of ponies to new species, and while it's true some characters like Zecora didn't exactly get the warmest welcome, that's a smaller set of cases whereas Gilda (A merging of two predatory species) and Spike (A flippin' dragon) get a rather warm, friendly welcome even if the former squandered it. Zecora could have just been a bit of an uncanny valley situation, close enough to a pony to be familiar but different enough to not be, the combination making things rather uncomfortable and fearful.
Naruto, while a wholly unprecedented species, is friendly and probably would be somewhat easily accepted, especially given the similarities to the Minotaurs (Although humans might fall into a similar situation with Minotaurs that Zecora did with the Ponies), but this is all just me over-analyzing.
The Bad: The text size is a bit uncomfortable large throughout the chapter, but nothing too bad. the chapter does seem a bit rushed and Naruto's lack of more freaking at the whole "Another dimension" thing seems underwhelming. Also, depending on the point in the Naruto storyline, he seems a bit too chummy with Kurama, but I suppose that tends to be an unfortunate given with Naruto fanfics.
Admittedly, some parts seem rather...stupid (A tipped over snail? Really?), but I'll reserve further judgement for the future.
4499834 Not particularly far enough.
Thank you all for reading and criticizing! I'll address each point one by one:
4499100
The premise (how he was transported to Equestria?) was quick for a reason. It will be addressed in due time...
The description... *cough* I have no excuse. I'll work on it. Same goes for that two. Maybe it's cause I wrote it at 11 pm.
Consider all number deleted.
4499400
The font... Well I thought it was too small, really. I'll fix that.
I think I will indeed edit that conversation with Pinkie. I've had troubles deciding on Naruto's reaction and went for the more excited one. I just have troubles picturing Naruto as a serious guy, especially talking to colorful ponies half his height.
Good eye for when I plucked Naruto out of Konoha, even though I didn't mention it explicitly. It was a few days after Pain's defeat.
As said above, numbers are gone.
4499834
Yep, I'll change the size.
As I said, I had some troubles deciding his reaction... I'll have to give that more thought.
Chumminess isn't what I was going for with Kurama... Kurama is helping him out of necessity. If Naruto dies so does he. Besides the few lines I gave him here, he won't be talking much in the near future (Depends on how far I go with Pinkie, haha.)
I think I heard the snail one in the abridged series? I'm not sure, but I couldn't help put it in.
4501522 Nice to see somebody actually listening. I'll forgive you for the terrible presence and stuff. Somewhat.
4501522 The one thing I have a problem with is the whole 'Naruto transforms into a pony' thing. Let's be honest here, Naruto's not one for tact and espionage. We all know that he probably wouldn't disguise himself unless he were trying to get away from an angry Twilight or something, it just doesn't fit his character.
4514559 I have to agree, this has become a trend with a lot of HiE stories lately, and it's always come off as contrived at best. At least the Equestrian Epona story had Link eventually go "nuts to this nonsense" and revert to human mid-story.
The story itself here is fine, and an interesting read which will be occupying me for the next few hours, though.
Technically, Naruto wears a track suit....jumpsuits are one piece.
So naruto dismissed the summons to fast remeber not all summons are used in battle like boss toads son originally was or his orange friend.
Also don't say plebe said all this quickly just put it all together with no spacing (likethisforexsample) like that.
oh god, this was honestly hard to read
he dismissed everything.
Kinda hard to read because at this point in time (I have seen every naruto episode)( we're my life gone...) naruto is WAY past this point in his life, and I see many mistakes... But I will still read on.
I thought naruto was a higher ranked ninja when he was 16? Because in the episodes 630+ he is like early 20s
And when he was telling pinkie his name, you spelt his name wrong...
4501522 What da buck did I just read?
...
Bucking hell! Screw it! You've got me intrigued! Though how exactly did he go fro wide awake to passed out and in Equestria? That needs a little explaining or at least a *BONK!* to explain how he was out to sleep.
Two legs bad.
Four legs gooooood
5068908
Animal farm
Orly
LOLZ! Perhaps in order to walk on four legs, Naruto should speak to Kurama for lessons!
OBJECTION
*Bricked for nitpicking
Ah, undercover mission, uh?
I look forward to reading more. Looking over the comments I can see that you have addressed some of the small issues that were mentioned. Keep writing.
... The cover art kinda makes Naruto look like a mare.
...
...
So with the positioning is he using sexy-no-jutsu aimed at ponies?
Fixed
Hmph, how rude
5852475 fantastic
Quite a few readers would disagree.
4499834 I honestly think that while what Zecora is probably played a small part, it was mostly where she lived that caused the towns reaction.