• Published 5th Jun 2014
  • 2,437 Views, 64 Comments

To end the pain. - NeonShadow



Why do they pick on me? Why are my stupid wings so weak? Why can't I live anymore?

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I'm sorry......I just can't.

"Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Fluttershy can hardly fly!"

My name is Fluttershy, or as most ponies call me, Klutzershy. I am a young Pegasus filly that is attending flight camp. I hate it here. My parents sent me here so I could make friends. I haven't made any. I only get teased by bullies because my wings are weak. Only one pony really notices me, and her name is Rainbow Dash. She stands up for me sometimes, but not all the time. Today we had a race, and I couldn't do it. I got teased for hours, ponies saying I shouldn't even be here. I don't want to be here. I want to go home and never see any of these ponies again. But I can't. I have to stay here. We get our own rooms, and that's about as much privacy I get. I usually cry myself to sleep, wanting any life but mine. I know that will never happen. Before I came here, I was homeschooled. My parents thought that I didn't have enough friends. I didn't want friends. I had my animals. I had overheard them talking one night.

"Fluttershy doesn't have enough friends." my dad had said.

"Honey, she doesn't have any friends besides animals."

"Well, maybe we can put her in flight camp."

"But she is very shy. I don't think she would make any friends."

"We don't have a choice."

"You're right. We'll tell her tomorrow, then send her next week."

I ran into my room and cried. I cried and cried and cried until all my tears were gone. I was so mad at my parents. They didn't even ask if I wanted to go. The only time I came out of my room was to eat. If they tried to come into my room I would climb out my window and run into the forest. At flight camp I don't have a forest or my animal friends. I'm alone. Nopony wants to befriend me. I don’t want to befriend them, either.

Am I just supposed to be teased and alone my whole life? Will my wings always be weak? I don't know if I can go on. The thoughts of suicide keep running through my head. But I don't wanna die. I want them to die. Make them pay for the suffering I deal with all day, everyday. I'm breaking. I'm depressed. I'm mad. I want this nightmare ponies call life, to end. Why can't it? I mean, nopony is holding me back. It would be quick. I need to sleep but I can't. I just cry till the sun rises and a whole new day in Hell begins.




Oh, yay. I'm now awake to get teased again. Today is the one of the many tests we have throughout flight camp. I don't want to go, but if I don't, I'll just get picked on the next day for not showing up. I remember the first day I was there. The first day I got bullied by the two who started my life in Hell.

It all started when I had to do a test to see where I am at in my flight progress. All the fillies and colts were watching. My heart was skipping beats and I was sweating profusely. I went to the first obstacle. It was a ring of cloud about five feet in the air. I had to fly up and through the ring. My wings have always been weak. I hate my wings. They're are the cause of all this. I wish I wasn't a pegasus, I wouldn't be so sad. I wouldn't want to be dead right now. Anyways, I couldn't make it over the ring and two fillies, I'm guessing they were best friends, started to sing a horrible tease.

"Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Fluttershy can hardly fly! Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Fluttershy can hardly fly!" they chanted, over and over. Other fillies started to join. One after one joining in on the horrible tease, until every pony was singing it. I couldn't take it and ran. I ran so far but I could still hear the chanting in my mind. I cried and cried begging for it to stop. It teased me for what seemed like days. It's still stuck in my head. It comes back to my head every time I have to a test. I just want it to stop. I am one of the few blank flanks there. I get teased about that too. Oh look, here come my two tormentors.

"Hey, Klutzershy! What are you gonna fail at today?" said the leader of the two.

I didn't answer. I tried to ignore them, but they kept on poking me and blocking my path. So, I finally said,"P-please move..... I'm not looking for trouble...."

"Yeah? Well we are." said the leader, poking me in the chest. They backed me into a corner. I tried to leave but they blocked my path.

"If you don't want be around us, just fly away. Oh wait, you can't!" They both fell on the ground roaring with laughter. I had started to cry, but luckily, my mane was long enough to cover most of my face. The second colt got up and and asked me a question.

“You know, why are you here? Your flank is blank which means you don't have a special talent. You're stupid, ugly, and useless! You don't belong here!" That was the last straw. I finally snapped. I ran away as fast as I could. I jumped onto a cloud and carried it high into the sky. Past other clouds, as far as I could go. I can't deal with this anymore. Nopony would even miss me. It'll be quick. I reached down, grabbed a mouthful of feathers, and pulled. I didn't even feel the pain. All I felt was.....nothing. I felt empty, dead, and as high as I was, I wasn't cold.

I reached down again and grabbed another mouthful of feathers, ripping them from my stupid wings. I hate my wings. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be teased or picked on. My wings started to bleed profusely, but I didn't care. The blood leaked down my side and down my legs, coating the cloud in a dark crimson. I kept ripping my wings until only bone remained. My mouth and side and legs were all bloody, but I didn't care. Soon it would all be over. There were feathers all over the place. I was about to jump when I stopped. I let the breeze make my hair dance one more time. A single tear slid down my cheek and fell onto the cloud. I looked straight ahead, then I leaned forward, making myself fall. I closed my eyes as I waited for the ground to end my life. One last thought came to my mind before I hit the ground.

I'm......so so...sorry.

Author's Note:

This was just a thought that came to my mind while I was on and so I decided to write it. Hope you like it. It is my first shot at a sad story. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Comments ( 64 )

IF I CRY I BLAME U *sniff*

......WOW.:fluttercry:
Damn. Damn you're good. Hmmmm.....
itcantjustbeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/13.png
(literally)

4501606
Well, I'm glad you liked it. It was my first attempt at a sad fic.

Very well written and a moving story... However, you might want to rechanger the tags. SSad stories have a hay ending, got to FAQ, it'll tell you. Tradgey's have a bad end and can or can noit be sad the entire time.

4501625
So, do you think it should be sad or tragic?

4501632 probably tragic sense flutter took her life

4501636
Ok, I'll change it. Thanks for the advise!:pinkiehappy:

4501640 WWait! Im really really sorry, and tragedy might work, but I just found out that sad can have both a happy and sad ending:fluttercry: I derped it, I'm so sorry

Someone actually wrote a suicide story where the character actually died.
it was actually pretty good.

4501640 Thx for the follow by the way

4501649
That's fine.:pinkiesad2: I'll just change it back.

4501655 Thx for understanding my derp moment:derpyderp2:

4501636 :flutterrage: nice going you ruined the story for me you could of said SPOILER ALERT 1st, Ahem my rage quit is done

4501663 sorry princess derpy:fluttercry:but I think it's pretty obvious, I mean look at the picture and description

4501664 :facehoof:i was just hopeing for a happy ending were scootaloo stops her since there both sort of a like and i forgive ya :pinkiehappy::heart:

4501683 can I have a muffin now:derpytongue2:?

4501693 Yay:yay: wait wrong one... Ahem, I don't know what went wrong:derpyderp1:

dang it this story gave me an idea kinda like this were fluttershy ends her life but with a more happy ending with scoots in it :scootangel::yay:

The story itself wasn't bad, you could still work on your writing though. Here are a couple of things I noticed you could do better:

You tend to repeat yourself, maybe because your vocab is not large enough, maybe it is because of something else, I don't know. If your problem is vocab, then you could try looking up synonyms for common expressions, for example "doubt" instead of "don't think".

Additionally you should take some more time to describe your story. In fact, every sentence oft the first larger paragraph could have been a paragraph oft its own, made up by about 3-4 sentences which could give further information and overall improve the readability of your story, <2500 words is usually too little for a non-troll story.
Summary:
- work with synonyms
- do not shorten your story too mich

Hope I could help, hope your next story will be even better.

Cubidyow

4501726
Oh that would be nice. You should totally do it!

4501734
Well this was just a quick thought that came to mind. But I will use your advise. Thanks.

4501755
You're quite welcome

Damn... I would say that I spotted several major errors, but this is still a great story.

Five mustaches!
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

4501821
Um... you did? Would you mind pointing them out?

:fluttercry: Sad! It was a good story! Good work Neon! My only complaints would be that it is a bit repetitive, and that you could have used a bit more detail. Basically what 4501734 said! :pinkiehappy: Keep it up!

I would rate this :derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:/:derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:

Hi 4501625, my fellow Derpy! :derpytongue2:

4502026
Yeah, I need to work more on, details.

Pretty good for your first story. Grammar does need work on, but doesn't everyone on their first story? Good story. Poor Fluttershy. Earned a like.

4501918 For one, Fluttershy never lived on the ground until after she fell from the clouds in that one episode. So there would be no forest or animal friends when she a filly. Remember her song in that episode was about how new and amazing the ground was, indicating she had never been down there before.

Another problem is why do her parents have no choice? From what I saw, it was
"We should send her to camp."
"She's shy."
"We choice."
You could elaborate more and tell us why they had no choice, or maybe hint they have been discussing this for a long time.

If Fluttershy can't fly, then how did she get the cloud into the sky? I guess you could say with the cloud keeping her aloft, she could make slow progress, but you could have elaborated a bit more.

But overall, good story idea.

4502064
Huh.. I guess I was trying to make it seem like after, she fell, she lived down there. And for the part with her parents, your right. It doesn't really make any sense. And for the part with the cloud, I was doing what you said, in your comment. But I should have elaborated more.


4501918 Okay, I'll point out the ones I saw (I know I'm not Broken Melodies, but I noticed several flaws as well.) First of all, she apparently headed out the window into the forest when her parents visited her. I say to you, OBJECTION!!! First off, if Fluttershy supposedly can't fly, then how'd she get to and from the forest when her house is in Cloudsdale? Second, in Cutie Mark Chronicles, it was revealed that Fluttershy had never been on the ground before she met Rainbow. Guess what though? The first time she met Rainbow, she ended up falling to the ground, and as such, discovered her cutie mark during Rainbow Dash's Sonic Rainboom. From this however, it's implied that she has known Rainbow for a while, which makes no sense considering if she had known Rainbow for a while, she would've had her cutie mark for it, which you said she didn't. Also, let's not forget that Fluttershy had no experience with animals prior to meeting Rainbow. In this, she clearly does. Third, why is it she suddenly is able to carry a cloud high above Cloudsdale only when she's preparing for suicide? Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that require quite a bit of flying? So, suddenly her problem is gone, yet she doesn't notice. Huh?:rainbowhuh: I guess you could make the argument that she had already snapped by that point, but even still, her not being able to fly is suddenly swaped for her being able to expertly fly. Personally, I think it would've made more sense if she'd have thrown herself off Cloudsdale, all while ripping her wings apart. So yeah, quite a few issues here and there. And you know what? I still really like this story! Granted, there are a bunch of logical contradictions, but the emotion was there in full force, and I actually shed a tear after I finished reading this (and considering the fact that it is almost impossible to make me cry at anything fictional, that's really impressive.) You handled this suicide story well, and it's getting a favorite out of me. (Just a tip, in case you're still reading this comment, add an alternate universe tag to this one. If you do that, then all of the plot holes are fixed, just like that.) 4 'staches: :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

4502115 and yes, I realize that Melodies already uploaded his/her problems before I uploaded mine. I didn't notice that until afterwards. Any parralles are pure coincidence.

4502092 After she fell, she stayed down there and never returned to Cloudsdale for a long time.

4502115
Thanks for pointing everything out to me. I just added the alternate universe. And I'm glad you liked it!:pinkiehappy:

Nice story! The concept is sad :fluttershbad: but very nice for a short story. Here are my ratings:

Flow: The story is well written, but I would add a bit more to increase the length; 4.5 Cacti out of 5
Concept: I enjoyed the concept of the story. Giving Flutters a point a view and how she coped with the torture. It is very sad and tragic. However, I would suggest adding more details to give the story more character and background; 4 Cacti out of 5
Grammar: Over all, grammar is correct; 5 Cacti out of 5

Over all rating, 4 Cacti out of 5 :derpytongue2:

Nice story! The concept is sad :fluttershbad: but very nice for a short story. Here are my ratings:

Flow: The story is well written, but I would add a bit more to increase the length; 4.5 Cacti out of 5
Concept: I enjoyed the concept of the story. Giving Flutters a point a view and how she coped with the torture. It is very sad and tragic. However, I would suggest adding more details to give the story more character and background; 4 Cacti out of 5
Grammar: Over all, grammar is correct; 5 Cacti out of 5

Over all rating, 4 Cacti out of 5 :derpytongue2:

Comment posted by ThatCactusPony deleted Jun 5th, 2014
Comment posted by ThatCactusPony deleted Jun 5th, 2014

Nice story! The concept is sad :fluttershbad: but very nice for a short story. Here are my ratings:

Flow: The story is well written, but I would add a bit more to increase the length; 4.5 Cacti out of 5
Concept: I enjoyed the concept of the story. Giving Flutters a point a view and how she coped with the torture. It is very sad and tragic. However, I would suggest adding more details to give the story more character and background; 4 Cacti out of 5
Grammar: Over all, grammar is correct; 5 Cacti out of 5

Over all rating, 4 Cacti out of 5 :derpytongue2:

Aww sad but I liked it! I like how you told the way she'd been treated and how she copes with it. The background was also good! I'm not much of a story rater but I say 9/10:pinkiehappy:
You have inspired me to think about writing a story like this!

4502660
Awesome! You totally should! Glad you liked it.

4502667
I'll add the thought to my 'Stories to think about' list:raritystarry:

4502874
Cool! I'm glad I inspired you!

4502953
Well it must be your lucky day because it's rare for me to be inspired by another story! Oh and by the way....*click* you my friend have deserved it for the great read and inspiration.

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