I visited the castle's gymnasium to excersise my emotions out. It didn't work. I was very curious. You know what! I'm going to spy on Twilight and Flash together at cloudsdale in the cloudpark to see what that guy is up to with my girl! I ran to derpy's house since she was the only mare that had wings and was available.
"Ok Derpy! Lets go over the rules one more time!"
"Ok"
" Repeat all of the Rules i have given you!"
"Rule 1: Don't talk very loud that they can hear me
Rule 2: Don't do anything stupid that could harm me and you
Rule 3: Don't spoil away our plans
and Rule 5: Stay put and on your side until you give me further instructions" She smiled sheeplessly
"Alright i think you got it! Now lets spy on Flash and Twilight! Whooo!"
We Ran to the cloud park hiding on top of a cloud big enough for both of us to sit on and close enough for us to hear the conversation.
"What are they saying?" Derpy asked curiously.
I told Derpy to hush as i leaned my ear much more further that i could hear them clearly now.
"So about that talk about the Royal Guard thing....Are you sure you want to be my personal one?"
"Of Course! Twi.. There is something i need to tell you.."
"Yes Flash?"
"The only reason i got the job was to be close to you because i have feelings for you"
"I Knew that Flash"
Derpy accidentally pushed me trying to put her ear next to mine for hear what they were saying so i landed in between them feeling my cheek grow warm. It looks like they were about to kiss! Luckily Derpy pushed me. I owe that mare a lot.
"RAINBOW!" Twilight sounded embarrassed and angry at the same time
"I'm sorry who is this guy again?"
"IM A MARE YOU DUMB DONKEY!!"
"Excuse me?"
"Guys--"
"YEAH I WENT THERE! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
"Well i think i am going to beat you up!"
Flash and I threw punches at each other and Twilight ended up getting to stop the fight by freezing us with her magic. Then as soon as we were calm she released us and cleaned our blood and bruises up.
"I'm so sorry Flash she is normally not like this."
"It's ok i'll go home" Flash seemed upset and took off.
Twilight started to look at me with her eyes widened.
OH BUCK WHAT HAVE I DONE!
"Rainbow what was that all about!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well.... As soon as we were about to kiss you randomly showed up and started a fight with Fla---- Wait. I think i know whats going on here!"
"Y-You D-Do?" I looked nervous and felt my heart hit my chest with pain.
"You don't like FLASH!"
I Sighed with relieve. "Yeah i don't like him"
"Thanks for worrying as a friend but i can make my own decisions"
Just as twilight was about to take off i started to think of something. Come on Dash Think! I got an idea and stopped as soon as she left to her castle.
"Twi Wait!"
"Yes?"
"We should have a whole day just to ourselves"
"You mean you and me hanging out all day?"
"Yeah! i-i m-mean if you want to. that is"
"I'd love to" Twilight took off.
"Best.Day.EVER!"
To short
hello i am spanish brony and like the story very muchs, plese right more chapters fast plese. i want more rainbow dash x twilight sparkle. twilight its a good pony and rainbow too. this is the face of me
4452971 To short whom? The reader, yes, but perhaps the author has also shorted themselves. If only they'd had a proofreader, they would be saving themselves from a negative reception.
4453061 never took that into mind thanks
4453585 I'm not the author, I was stating that not all of the dialogue is colored, even though the author colored most of it
4453585 The dialog being colored is better than repeating twilight said and rainbow said. It is a waste of words and also you would know who is speaking when it is colored instead of reading those "twilight said" It just keeps repeating which i don't think is good for me. I am finding a proofreader as this story is still incomplete. But, thank you for pointing out the problem. Next time there will be less coloring.
4452971 It is not done yet, unless you mean the chapters are too short. I mean the next chapters will be long enough for your satisfaction :D
4455141 No, it's laziness.
Read this.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
To begin as I often do: don't write sub-1,000 word chapters. It's taboo and will often bring in insta-hate. Aim for a minimum of 1,200.
Anyways, nothing else blatantly wrong pre-story, so onto the story!
When I see something like this it makes me think that zero editing went into the making of this. That isn't good.
Don't change tense randomly like this. Previously you'd been using past tense (started, finished, looked) so stick with it. As well, who the hell is this she? I can assume that it is Twilight, but I shouldn't have to assume, I should be able to know for sure.
Again: I'm only working on assumption and color that this is Spike that we're talking about. This isn't good. In addition, what castle pieces? What is going on here? Where is here? Thus far there has been little to nothing in the lines of scene setting. We know that cyan text pony (presumably Rainbow) is kicking clouds in the sky over what we can assume is Twilight's castle, but that's all it is: an assumption. There's nothing actually grounded here, and that makes for a very poor mental picture. Instead add in more description. You're already WAY below the minimum accepted word count per chapter, so add some meat to those bones. Gives us descriptions of sights, smells, and sensations. All that good stuff to give the reader a good mental picture of what the flying bat tits is going on.
Ignoring the punctuation and capitalization errors, if your whole idea behind coloring the text is because writing: "he/she/it/bob said" is a waste of words, then what of this? Where previously you'd had six words after the quote, only three are needed if you do it my way. Your argument has been nullified.
Even then, not all of the text is even color coded. Everything in the story should be uniform because uniform looks nice. Therefore if your story doesn't look nice then it makes it even worse than if everything was color coded. This isn't to say that you should color code it, you shouldn't because that makes it look ugly and gives you fewer words (something that, as I mentioned before, you need more of). In addition, using: "he/she/it/bob said" allows for a more fluid transition into character actions (i.e. he said as he swung the axe//she said, soothingly petting his matted mane) which are very important for creating a mental image of a scene.
Ignoring the grammar again, this really doesn't seem in character to me. What Spike is saying is basically that he's only stopping right now because he's full today, implying that he's not sorry and would do it again. Top top it off, Twilight's perfectly fine with this. That makes both of these characters OOC. At this point in time, I'll suggest you get an editor and proofreader. In addition, I just realized that you were using spaces in lieu of actual indents. There's a button at the top of the editing page that automatically indents every line for you so you don't have to hit the spacebar eleven times.
Again: editor. As well, all numbers less than 1,000 need to be written out. Otherwise it just looks lazy and unprofessional. Also, why the heck is Derpy even needed here? If the answer is to dun goof for the LOLs then that's not a decent answer.
Yeah, not a decent excuse for having Derpy there. The tired old cliche of the jealous "spy" getting screwed over and discovered like this isn't funny and has serves no decent point. In this situation it comes off very forced and that utterly prevents it from having any redemption value.
So yeah.
I never got a decent mental image of what was going on, the characters weren't very in character, the lack of editing made for a grueling read, and the on-off color coding was pointless and ugly. Get an editor or proofreader next time (I already gave you the links above) and don't use color coding.
I'd scrap this and try again, maybe in a one-shot format between two background characters. TwiDash has been done a million times before and working with those who have no set personality (like background characters) opens up a lot of leeway for what you can get away with them doing. As well, do be sure to read, read, READ as much good fiction as possible as it'll teach you how to write better.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)
4455947 is there a way i can give you access to the story to correct me and edit my story?
4456626 My apologies, but I don't do editing. Just reviews.
However, you can put a story on password view only. This makes it so that only those with the password are able to view the story.
I gave you links to two different editing groups in the review, however. If neither of those turn up something then you can try these as well.
4455141 Oh, coloring. A topic hated on so much.
I personally only use it when emphasising an extreme irregularity with the voice (Changeling voices, Royal Canterlot Voice, ect.)
It may seem overused, but having 'Twilight said' would still be better. You could also use words besides said (ex. Exclaimed, commanded, stated)
4455153 yay!