Rainbooms of Thunder
Prelude to fear
The party ended about twenty minutes ago, and all who is left is Twilight, Pinkie, Rarity, Spike, and surprisingly, Fluttershy. Applejack didn't even show up to the party, but she probably had work to do on the farm or something… Rarity and I are in the back room searching for a tent and sleeping bags because Pinkie said we should have an slumber-after-party-party. I think it could be fun… assuming we all ignore the manticore in the room with me being an android-robot-thing… yeah, this won't end well.
Rarity turns to me, "So Rainbow darling, how are you feeling?" and so it starts.
"Ehh, at least I don't need to worry about being twenty percent cooler anymore."
"So that's it then, you are perfectly fine with waking up and realizing that you are a robot?"
Way to cut right to the core Rares, "Sure, lets go with that. I mean it's not like I am trying to bottle things up and ignore it right? hehe."
"Oh but don't be silly, it's okay to feel a little down every once in a while."
"Rarity, I'm gonna level; how would you feel if you found out that you were actually Blueblood's long lost sister or something, and just found out?"
"Well, I for one would be shocked to be related to such an ignoble buffoon. But I would stay calm, a lady should never lose her composure."
"Come on, you are the queen of fashion and drama, you would either be wallowing in pity or living it up with the Canterlot nobles."
"And what would you do if you were Blueblood's long lost sister?"
"Same thing I always did, keep training, and become a Wonderbolt…" wait a second, would the Wonderbolts even let a robot in as a flier? Has all that training and conditioning gone to waste?! Is there any chance of me even being able to-
"Rainbow! You started panicking there for a second. Whatever it is, your friends will help you through it, no matter what."
"Thanks Rares, I probably would be extra panicky if you weren't here to stop me."
"Anytime darling. Aha! There's the last sleeping bag, let's get back to the rest of the girls, and we'll talk more later."
"Gotcha Rares."
While Rarity and Rainbow Dash are in the back, Twilight, Pinkie, Spike, and Fluttershy are in the front preparing snacks.
Twilight asks out, "So Girls - and Spike - what do you think about Rainbow? How do you think she is handling this?"
"Well I think it is great that she discovered something so cool about herself, she is even cooler than the Wonderbolts now!" Pinkie interjects.
"Umm… girls? Would she even be allowed in the Wonderbolts?"
"That's a good question Fluttershy. There isn't really any rules against it, but at the same time, it could be seen poorly if she were to compete in any events because of what she is."
"Aww, but that would make Rainbow all saddy-waddy. How are we going to tell her she can't accomplish her dream anymore because of what she is and that she will probably end up spiraling into an unending depression over the fact that she can never accomplish her life's purpose? That is the exact opposite of what she needs to hear!"
"Well… we could try to break it to her gently…"
"Or we could just come out with it, you know, remove the bandage fast and all of that." Spike adds.
"SPIKE! That is the last thing Rainbow needs. We need to write a checklist."
"Come on! My idea would be the best. How do you think she would feel if-"
"Gotcha Rares."
"They're coming back! Everypony act busy."
The door opens and in comes Rarity and Rainbow. "Umm, guys, did we miss something?"
"Nope. Didn't miss anything here."
"Okaaaaaay, well, we got the sleeping bags."
About an hour later, in the Sweet Apple Acres orchard, Applejack is bucking away at her trees.
CRACK!
CRACK!
"C'mon sis, it's time ta hit the hay"
"Ah'm not tired Mac, got some thinkin' to do 'bout somethin'."
"It wouldn' hap'n to have somthin' ta do with yer friend Rainbow would it?"
"Am ah that easy fer ya to read big bro?"
"Eyup."
"It's jus'… well… Ah'm just not sure if ah can trust her anymore, if shes even a she, ya know?"
"Ah getcha, but even if she was a changelin' the entire time, wouldn't ya still feel bad 'bout ditchin' her like this?"
"Ah just couldn't do it Mac, Ah just need time to sort things out. It makes no sense, how could nopony see tha' she was a durn'd machine? She even had Twilight fooled."
"She also had herself fooled sis, ya think she would've kept quiet if she knew she were a fancy robot. Ah reckon she would have shouted it from the top o' the barn ta everypony who would listen."
"Ah reckon yer probably right Mac, she would'a been all `check out how awesome ah am, with my fancy robot wings an' stuff`, hahaha. yer right big brother, Ah should march on down ta Sugarcube Corner and catch her 'fore she goes flying off somewhere."
"…Eyup."
"That was a great story Pinkie, but now it's my turn! I got a great one that Gilda told me back when we were speedsters."
"Ages ago, back before the tribes united, there was once a unicorn wizard named Crimson Shade who played with dark powers. Ponies would tremble at a mere whisper of his name. Griffons would name warlords after him. The Minotaurs worshipped him as a god among mortals.
Legend tells that he once made a dark deal with Grogar the Terrible for the power to raise the dead, and he commanded entire legions of zombies to fulfil his nefarious purpose. At the peak of his power he commanded armies over the very lands of Equestria, dining on the meat of his victims. He was finally defeated when he tried to take the Canterhorn from the Pegasi legions, fell by his own hubris.
They say that every night, when the moon is full, you can hear the whispers of battle from miles around, and if you listen really closely… over the sound of clashing blades… you will hear… RAAAAAH!!!!"
"AAAAAHHH!!"
BANG!
"GIT AWAY FROM MAH FRIENDS YA DURNED MONSTER!"
THUNK!
"APPLEJACK! WHAT DID YOU DO!"
...Wow, action scene of the year.
In all seriousness you really should expand that quite a bit. Right now it could be anything from 'knocked out' to 'oh my god, what is her lungs doing on the lamp post?!'
The rest is fine (if minimalistic) but.... really? Just 'thunk?' Surely you can do better than that?
5690690 I'm kinda not great at writing in anything other than the past tense... And 'not great' is a euphemism for 'horrible'.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Poor Dashie ,but what happened there? well now that RD is a Militar grade robot she could sourvive anything that AJ throw at her....right
RD is so screwed isn't?
Please continue
This story has a lot of potential, but it's suffering from a serious case of Talking Head Syndrome. It becomes back and forth dialogue, and most of the time you drop the reference to who is speaking. This is a story about Rainbow Dash being a ROBOT, and that should be totally awesome, but 90% of the story seems to be dialogue! I'm not calling for nonstop action, but it'd be nice if something actually happened once in a while.
I really don't know what's going on in that ending section. BANG! and THUNK! really don't describe much. It's like listening to a scene over the phone or radio instead of actually being there. Please give us more descriptions! What are the characters doing while they're talking? People rarely just stand in one place and talk back and forth. Okay, sometimes they do, but in a story that gets dull pretty fast. When they do talk, identify your speakers!
I know you can do better than this. Perhaps you could take a look at the writing guide? I haven't given up on this story yet, and I look forward to seeing what's next.
5691360 If you read my previous comments in response to others, you would know that I am trying. I am not very good at writing in anything other than past tense (journal style), and I am still trying to learn while at the same time writing something that people have begged me to continue.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
I am willing to lend a hand with this. This story has potential.
5691428 PM me if you want to help. I need to know what you want to help with and if I could work you into my attempts to make this work.
Ahh cliffhangers we meet again *squints eyes*
5691565 I couldn't resist.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
This amuses me. I suppose if the rest of her life was anything to go by, she'd still follow the rules of having an organic body, thereby getting knocked out.
5691673 Something along those lines, but a bit more worrying.
5691683 Oh noez!
5691732 Her head is going to be knocked crooked where her neck needs to be fixed, and pinkie will be the one to fix it. There is a reason why, her of all ponies is going to, but that would be telling.
5691795 Can't wait to read about it.
Applejack killed rainbowdash!
5692256 Just wait and see...
5691988 Well, I will try to get it out as soon as I can.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5692677 Yays
5691360 have to agree, and honestly i think Rainbow is taking too well. Yeah at frist she be like cool I'm a robot but now we have to consider these things. What about her parents, who actually built her, how is she the Element of Loyal, and how will the Princesses respond.
5693461 Did you notice that she is actively trying to avoid thinking about it?
5693467 just keep what i and some others have said in mine. This is a great concept.
5693499 I am keeping it in mind. I take feedback seriously, and I consider every bit of it to see how I could work it in if it deems worthy of being worked in.
5693513 i can promise any feedback i give is to make the story better in my mind.
5693528 Isn't that the purpose of feedback?
Well, either way, I write what I write, and I try to make it good. Feedback helps, but only if it can be worked in well. The way I see it, whatever happens, this fic is still kinda terrible.
5693547 some people are jerks, sad to say.
what I feel can improve this story is this. One get rid of the tool tip Ai part, that's a bit to conveniat that has something like that. It be better if she discover what she can do, with Twilight likely helping out. And show more signs that she is trying to avoid the fact about her parents and etc. We are still early in the story so there isn't much yet but these changes can help this story.
There appears to be a missing line of text here.
The story has a lot of promise and the concept is very interesting, but...Something about the way it's written feels...off.
5694116 Thanks for pointing out that error. GDocs importing is finicky at times... As for the writing feeling off, that is just due to my inexperience.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5694831 Well, keep at it. I'm sure you'll get better. I know I did.
the fic's well done.
plz continue
5693547 terrible??? I think its pretty darn good. so please continue.
5892497 i.imgur.com/ZXdveFz.png
Also, this fic is pretty terrible. The writing is meh, the plot, while somewhat unique, is bland, and the characterization is kinda sloppy.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
HUUUUUURRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait forever!!!! also, good story.
5899050 That awkward moment when you realize that the author hasn't worked on the next chapter at all yet. fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/013/d/d/confusedlee_by_comeha-d72141b.png
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Then WORK ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, Toshe' on the fuck mondays thing
Interesting idea - looking forward to what happen next.
TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC, You are taking forever! I need MOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRR ,Also I want To Give you a REWARD for reasons I will speak of later, See you on my channel.
At that ending I imagined robodash confusedly looking around with aj's legs stuck in her head... xD
5901562 *touché
and while I do realise that this whole touché thing is a bit touché, I cant help but think "damn, that's touché";)
6230849 Dido! also HURRY THE F**K UP GOD DAMMNIT!
6610687 again have to fix it for you...
Ditto* ; a saying that shows duplicating feelings or opinion with the next person, originating from a pokémon called Ditto, whose ability is replicating the opponent.
Hope you enjoyed this random bit of trivia, damn that was a fast response, hope you don't butcher any more grammar, and enjoy your day!
6615098 Hey! I am only 12! Give me a break!
6617298 When I was 12, I was correcting adults on improper spelling and grammar. So your argument is invalid.
I am trying to find the time to work on this more, even though I hate it because it is terrible.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
12:36_9/11/2015
6617303 I first heard about ditto in drama class. and that was a vege( Sorry if I spelled that wrong) line froma play so Excuse me for not knowing the true definition or spelling!
6617307 I was simply stating that age has nothing to do with spelling and grammar, to an extent.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
12:47_9/11/2015
6617323 O.K. Sorry about my outburst, I just have anger issues
6617343 So do I. I just have learned to control the burning pyre.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
13:4_9/11/2015
6617349
6617349
6617343
Now, now ladies. No need to bother yourselves with the intricacies of written language on the internet. There are too many things to remember;)
Also static, i happen to think this story has been rather good so far. I sure do hope you continue it, but, should you decide not to, eh. C'est la vie.
6617458 1. I am not a lady
2. Are you french?
6617469 1. I do not care
2. Nope, but i might be.
I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!