A Strange New World

After a night of strange dreams, Dan wakes up to begin his morning the same as always, only to discover that he and his entire house have been transported to a strange cartoon world. Will he ever figure out what's going on and find a way back to where he belongs? More importantly, will he be able to make the most important decision of his life?

Chapters (2)

Beginnings of a new day · 21st May 2014 · 2,013 words
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"What ARE you?" · 24th May 2014 · 5,544 words
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Comments ( 8 )

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Mooncalf

Mooncalf #1 · May 24th, 2014 · 2 · · "What ARE you?" ·

Well, you asked for comments, so I will give comments.

First off, this is a self-insert story, and surprisingly boilerplate to boot. SI character drops into world, meets natives, brings fancy toys to impress with (please, please, please promise me Dan won't start swinging guns or swords around), even shows them how they're fictional where he comes from. It's a formula that's been used for decades. It's been done well and it's been done poorly. The reason so many dislike it is because it's been done so many times, and the poor examples stand out more than the good, predictably.

Thus far, Dan seems like a likeable guy, though with no particular notable traits shown so far other than a love of cars. (It'll be fun to see how he deals with the lack of a gasoline supply...) Hopefully you'll be able to develop his (well, your) character to make him (you) memorable, preferably without being overbearing and Mary Sue-ish.

The writing is not bad, but could do with some improvements. For one thing, you should not have multiple speakers in the same paragraph. It's confusing and distracting. Break them up a bit. For another, there's a lot of comma splices; that is, two not directly related sentences joined with a comma. They can be fixed with a conjunction or just broken into two sentences with a period. Finally, there's a lot of bad punctuation sprinkled throughout; mainly missing commas and periods. Not enough to fully distract from the story, but it does make it look less than perfect.

And finally there's a deplorable lack of Trixie, whom I read this story for. I expect this oversight to be corrected eventually.

That is all. I hope these comments help.

danabler42

danabler42 #2 · May 24th, 2014 · 1 · · "What ARE you?" ·

4439842 THANK YOU, this is the kind of thing I asked for, actual feedback. I will respond to your comments in random order now. As for the lack of Trixie, I apologize, I made a mistake in adding her character tag this early in the story, but I can extend chapter 3 a bit to include her arrival in the story. Now, I realize that it's a SI story, I realize that there are a lot of horrible ones. Trust me, I have read them, and my older stories aren't much better. Also, I tried not to have all the "fancy toys" be there JUST to impress, rather to have just come along with him and he's making the best of the situation. I mean, yes, he did use the car to impress, but that was mostly because he figured Dash would love the ride and forget about the (forgive my language) mind-fuck. Now, since this is a SI story, the character is the easiest to write for, since he is me, just set several years in the future. As for guns and swords, even if he did have them, it's not like we need a strange creature flashing weapons around, now do we? That's just a biiiit too Marty-Stu for me. So no, that will not happen. Now, as far as showing them they're fictional, you'll notice he mentioned that he's speculating heavily on the accuracy of the show versus this world. There will be some heavy differences, and people may or may not like those differences, but I can almost guarantee none of the existing stories have done this. As for a gasoline supply, you will see . And I will work on my formatting some more, I'm still figuring it out, so it's gonna take me a while to get it right. But thank you for taking the time to respond to this story